Well, in my case, it wasn’t forced upon me. It was a set of mental machinations that had me associating success and happiness with abandoning my father, or making him feel inferior. It was so internalized that I didn’t even know what was happening. He did nothing to make me feel that way, and I certainly hope he never reads that, because he would be appalled.
What DR has done for me is let me see it in the light of day. Once I did that, I could see how effing STUPID irrational and baseless the belief was. That seems to have actually gotten rid of it. Such idiocy can’t survive inspection.
You said that there are people who you would “disappoint” by succeeding. I’m not sure who that would be. If there are such people in your life, they have problems, not you. Theres a difference between that and someone thinking you can’t succeed. They’ll often be happy to be proven wrong.
DR is working, and like AM stories of old, right when it’s needed.
I listened to RM yesterday afternoon after taking a long walk. I got pieces of it, but on my mind then and all day long, I was aware my subc was trying to push me away from the change DR is requiring.
When RM finished, I let it be quiet for a short while. But something was pulling me back to DR, and it felt desirable. I turned on another loop of DR…but my head was feeling full, and after 30 minutes or so, I killed it. I wasn’t sure what I’d do when I woke up this morning, thinking “recon?..hmmm”
When I woke up this morning, I felt not hyped, but definitely not afraid, which is unusual for me. I even found myself doing routine stuff I normally do…without sabotaging my progress here and there. Little things like stalling for a minute here and a minute there, looking for and finding things to be afraid of–I wasn’t and am not doing this. Took my shower, and came and put on a loop of DR.
I’d like to share that when I woke up this morning, and ever since, I was feeling a pull back to DR. Like…“I want to listen. It’s good for me”. I’m used to going into a helpless mindset when under pressure, thinking “I’ve GOT to do this”. It’s often reinforced by thinking “He, she, they…would approve of this”, and that’d be my motivation. That’s a foundation of fear, and I’ve used it 1000’s of times in my life, accompanied by self-sabotage (me fighting back, actually), Needing other people’s approval wasn’t on my mind at all this morning.
I am moving forward. Thanks to @Fire and @SaintSovereign for creating this 
Yesterday morning I awoke, and DR was working directly on a root in me. It was obviously tied to why I say yes when I want something else. And I did not write intentionally since my motive would have covertly been “save me! Help me not change!”
But some part of me wanted this change. It’s still going on, and …I feel encouraged this morning. Yesterday, part of me was scared since I didn’t know what I’d choose if other people weren’t dictating or influencing my direction. Yet having had positive experiences with numerous subs here, I knew something would fill it in. I’m sensing that in me again this morning.
I’m feeling a gradual change in my mental maturity too. My main mental fallback has been to a mentality from around 7 ot 8, and I’d be frantic, looking for outside support. For the last 2 days, I’ve had moments where I felt mature and confident to handle situations. For example, one thing which showed up is me is taking ownership in daily work decisions. I’d caused some tire damage on my work trailer, and instead of avoiding it, I walked right into owning it and asking questions about what was causing it. These are gradual changes, but I’m seeing it.
This morning, I’m facing a choice to invest in something when I planned on investing it elsewhere. Last night, I reached out to someone. I was avoiding personal responsibility–that was my motive. I still feel a little afraid making this change myself–but DR is what’s making these changes. I’d have done the “same 'ol, same 'ol”. DR is making this uncomfortable, so that’s why I’m changing. Not done yet, but definitely in progress.
I think you just stepped up another level!
Remember to congratulate yourself, and I’ll drink a toast to your progress later today!
Thanks man. I’m considering running LD v.2–since I’m having some fears rise. I’ve been home an hour and just finished Love Bomb.
You are welcome.
How about trying LD v2 and posting the results?
Do you also have Sanguine?
I’m writing. I’m unsure what’s happening (what’s being challenged by DR), so I’m going to share it.
I felt defenseless to my work supervisor’s jabs at me. I drove my route today, but I was slightly slower, and his single statement (something like “gotta go balls to the walls!”) got under my skin. Our whole site is down a number of workers, and everybody in charge is stressing about it since we are not completing everything on a daily basis. Our contract is set, but my supervisor is our head boss’s mirror: “get shit done LIKE I WANT IT or I’ll threaten your job”. People have easily left recently since it’s a stress factory. They turn and burn workers constantly. And not surprizingly, almost noone wants their jobs now. You can only do that for so long until word gets around.
Something in me thinks I’m focusing on them instead of myself.
hmmm… I’ve taken responsibility for my site similar to how I did with my mom when young. Mom would be out of money, but alcohol, anger, and avoidance were used to cope. The lifestyle was “NEVER deal with what’s causing the problems. We BLAME others and ourselves for our problems, whine and cry, hoping something or someone will save us!”
Fuck. That was true. I’m triggered daily by this “avoid, avoid, avoid” mentality. Everyone and anyone can be a target for blame.
And I fucked up today, accidentally busting the back window of my work truck. I’ve been called a “black cat” with vehicles in the last few months since trucks go down often when I use them. Oil leaks, transmission failures, overheating engines, anything. And I’ve been blaming myself and feeling bad about it. I’ve wondered “is this some message to me?” I’ve been answering that spiritually today, like God’s gonna bring good from the ashes.
I’m feeling …helpless? Well, scared, angry, and …still waiting on some savior figure (a still-active fantasy of mine). I’m sitting with this. The Forge opened shit up today.
Connecting my childhood, I thought originally of texting my super to let him know I won’t be there tomorrow (no available truck), but…damn…I’ve considered going in to do some needed cleaning. I’m feeling like a kid trying to make Mom happy with me. And she was rarely happy. I’m thinking like this around my super–since he always dismisses core issues or makes fun of others who screw up. I’m his easy target (in my head). I have not even told him about the truck yet since he excels at shaming (me). Fuck, I’m owning a lot of shit.
This shit is pissing me off. Fantasized about (and feared) quitting–to not be treated like this. My fear wasn’t due to money, in fact. It was feeling guilty and ashamed for not saving them from their messed-up decision-making. (I think I stepped into my own family here).
And lastly, like my family, I am wanting to avoid this. I’m gonna put on LD v.2.
yes. One at a time. Already listened to LB an hour ago.
I understand. Also remember than the Ultima format itself can be fatiguing to some people.
I think I’d welcome that
@RVconsultant, I did crave Elixer today. Checked the upgrade thread on my phone when I got off… but not yet.
I used that last weekend, and stuff started piecing together in my thinking. I felt…less powerless over my emotional state.
Will wait. Listening to LDU v.2 now
Now go back and read some of your posts from 4 weeks ago. You will see you are a changed man!
I found some old posts when you wrote this. DR seems to reveal its direction initially. I’m liking the long-term view, even while I occasionally return to old ways, or try to.
I never fully return to them. There’s one thinking pattern (a manipulative, deceitful one), and my throat gets tight. Well, after my stomach tightens angrily. I did feel queasy some this morning, which isn’t my norm at all.
For me, I’m finding not knowing new patterns (like immediately, of course) the most stressful. To compare the 2, one is familiar but disgusting, while the other is unknown but both feared and sought after.
Makes a confused Subliminalguy, putting it lightly.
Regarding LDU v.2,
Very smooth.
Less stressful, and I was stressed already.
Felt and heard occasional very low frequency pops using my headphones. It had me checking my volume, as I normally don’t notice it. My volume was low already though. Nothing I’m concerned about.
I’ve found LDU will reveal more throughout my day. I’ll realize different thoughts, and this encourages me. LD does things very unlike my norm.
And I just saw this: My ideas of excitement and fun are linked with fear and worry. Like I grew up thinking “this good thing won’t happen”, so I pulled away from looking for them. And my mind has tried to hang on to not looking.
I say this since I’m feeling it now. I decided to give my miner/trader my stimulus money tonight so he can trade it and we’ll be able to withdraw my btc. Part of me says “it’s so much EASIER not hoping for breakthroughs. Disappointment absolutely sucks”. Maybe…LD is working on this…nah…but maybe.
But…oh yes. Those are obvious limiting beliefs.
I didn’t go in to work this morning. I texted my super last night, and even turned off my ringer. Thank God, since I checked it hours ago, and he’d called 2ce this morning.
I just released some tears after writing that. I hold in tension a LOT, and writing helps me release it. I think I was crying since I’m walking into my fears, and I’ve held back feeling it. Words aren’t clear all the time, but emotion is.
Note: I didn’t listen to DR yesterday, as I woke up and felt like stuff was still processing. I thought I might run it during the day, but another guy was with me in the truck, so it wasn’t possible. I only ran 2 Ultimas last night.
I’ve listened to Elixer Ultima this morning. Am going to rest from DR again today, but may run LB or LD later.
–and DR is actively processing. While writing that last sentence, I imagined going out and doing my normal weekend chores. What I envisioned was me going out with my social shields up…and I felt uncomfortable. Like “awww…not again (in uncomfortable resignation–plus anger)”. And releasing some tears the more I allow this. I’m grateful DR works when I want to avoid things.
Great insights mate! Another milestone!
Avoiding things for fear nothing good will happen. Resignation. Anger. Worry about disappointment.
I’ve found since running DR st4 for about 3 months now, all that just starts to disappear. I don’t know what’s replaced it, but it’s faded. What’s left seems to be more of a blank slate. I don’t know how else to say it.
This post was longer than I expected. I just kept writing.
I listened to DR this morning, and now I’m listening to Primal. Yesterday, I listened to Primal while shopping and doing laundry, and even while I did not seek most people’s attention (though I locked eyes with one woman), I found both men and women starting conversations with me. One guy asked me a question about a washer since he thought I worked there. No kidding. He even apologized profusely when I smiled and told him I didn’t. I was carrying myself much differently. I felt much more in control of myself.
Why Primal? Well, my other choice was playing helpless, dodging eyes, or even putting on a face. This is an old norm I didn’t want to repeat. I’ve been using subs here to open up my heart more, it’s been working, and I sought to take some action on it.
When leaving the plaza parking lot where I’d been, I felt this surge of internal conflict (reconciliation), and I swear I heard “what the f are you doing?” The voice sounded worn and tired. It made me think about my choices, but I purposefully made no firm decisions in that moment.
I thought of something I’d written just days ago where my family blamed everyone else for the problems they created, and chose to whine and cry over the consequences of their choices. I remembered (shamefully) me using others to pick up my mess after I’d made it myself, so I purposefully waited to say “this is what I’m going to do!” I’ve made emotional decisions before, I wasn’t in a good spot, so I waited. I’ve still not decided, for I’m not sure about it. It would involve a future custom.
On that note, I made a decision recently to allow myself to buy 2 Q modules a week for future builds. This allows for much less cost at build time. Last week I bought Deus and Potentiator. I’ve got Empath and Negativity Displacer in my cart now.
And I’ll air this now to see my own thinking. I wondered about putting the Primal module into a future build. And even while writing that, I became anxious. I still have old “commitment to Mom” strings attached to any ideas about freely enjoying sex with a woman. In my life so far, I’ve only had sex with 2 women, and both relationships were not really intimate. It was just sex, nothing more, one being my wife of 10 years. I bought Primal to challenge and change my beliefs, so hopefully one day I’d be able to open myself up and fully enjoy myself with a woman. I’ve found DR taking some mental restrictions off me regarding sex, and taking action was my motivation for getting Primal. Having sex is just one piece of the puzzle. Being able to be myself and being free to allow it and fully enjoy it are my aims presently. Primal is still running in my head. The loop ended 15 minutes ago.
It’s not time to make that decision yet, but it’s on my mind.
I can relate to that, which is why I’ve been trying other action subs myself (Emperor, RM, Primal). I’ve wondered “who am I now? What do I DO now?”
I can completely relate!