You keep saying very interesting things. Now that I think about it, I can identify with the concept that the things that I want to experience feeling foreign and therefore being at least leery of them. These subs are pushing us into unknown territory. That might be the entire reason that our minds push back at the notion of doing things that we intellectually know would be good for us.
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Surprisingly, it was your statement from years back I pondered on.
You’d been on a powerful sub (another forum) for many months, and you had grown a lot. You mentioned something one day that I had personally been afraid of (I’ve done it many times), and I understood the thinking. I was on the same sub, and it was emotional healing coupled with building a success mindset.
You aired that you were used to chaos and upheaval in your life, and having things go easy felt very unnatural for you. You shared you considered returning to that old place since you knew the rules there, and it wasn’t taken well by others who were using logic (supposedly) to make all their life decisions.
Sitting here now, I KNOW it makes little logical sense. BUT…logic has rarely made my life decisions for me…well, adult logic anyway. The scared kid in me has been in charge. I’ve let him roam and experiment freely, and I enjoy it when he shines.
I’m still reconciling thoughts of “is being childish ok sometimes?” with “moving ahead in life means squelching everything in me”. That latter thought overlooks a lot of logic…I’m wondering if the scared kid wore the responsible mask to survive.
Being honest here, I feel some shame since, reflecting on yesterday’s writing, I feel like a failure when I let him make my life decisions. He, too, fights hard to pull out (multiple areas) when facing possible failure.
I said a lot. Running LDU while writing, and something is touching my emotions now. I’m going to stop writing. I’m feeling sad.
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Making changes, and it’s good…but I am used to not making changes. I’m smiling now, for it defies my norm.
Two nights ago I wished to communicate with a woman I’ve done credit repair with in the past, but per her own words on her site, she’s been pretty inactive in it. I left a message on her site chat. I also emailed her. No reply on either. I then emailed another guy who I’d hired for credit repair years back, but…he was a d*** to me numerous times. He did good work, but he had a hair-trigger to fire off shaming insults, so nah. *in times past, I’d have gone with him out of a sense of desperation–plus I’d gotten used to that with some males in my life. Some of our histories suck. I am not for putting myself in emotional bondage again.
I allow emails from a couple of guys who have been making good money in the credit industry for many years, I’d read some recently, and I am choosing to buy into their credit broker program so I can fix my own and get broker rates for the same services, products, and tradelines. Much cheaper, much easier.
I’m mentioning this since…this is not my norm. Just considering this months back I would have had an instant “no” come up. Too much fear of success, not failure. I’m not in my way. I’m paying attention to my gut, and it feels like part of me is finally accepting some change in my life. I’m used to being under time pressure, like FOMO, so I’d jump in. And now, I’m seeing this as a bridge to my desired destination.
Going forward 
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I’d like to share 2 good things that happened yesterday, courtesy of the subs I’m using.
Yesterday morning was a regular go-to-work day. Got there, started prepping my truck, and the route manager was outside with some drivers. Being Friday, some drivers had called out, and he called me and the woman I was working with, so we quickly began walking over since I knew they wanted to move out ASAP.
Well, one of our lead drivers standing in the group was talking shit about me (he’s really obvious), and as I arrived I smiled and let them know I knew he was, and just laughed at it. I’ll normally feel insecure, like I’m less than them, but this was different. Much different, and not defensive. That’s Iron Frame in action! I wasn’t stressed and fearful
The second thing I’m not sure what to connect it to, but probably Limit Destroyer Ultima along with DR. I worked with a driver who’s been with us about 3 months, and I was wrestling with some of my own emotions for a few hours since …I was wondering if I could/should trust him. Surprisingly, I didn’t act like I normally do. I was able to handle that sense of desperation, and squelching it wasn’t my only option.
We began talking about money later (no, I began talking about money), and I ended up sharing some real thoughts I’ve had lately, such as knowing I have to handle and protect my wealth, how it can influence my daughter, and how I’m seeing having a lot of money (along with peace) is connected to me making decisions with integrity. I sound wordy here, but it was an easy conversation. I felt responsible and well-versed. It felt really relieving to let it out. I was believing and feeling I am human and not so separate.
He responded, and I felt I’d given him some hope as well. Little nuances and expressions say a lot, and I picked them up.
It was a good day.
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I must be going through some withdrawal this morning. When I thought of that minutes ago, I came here to write.
I’ve noticed this before numerous times on SC subs, but me ignoring it or not calling out the elephant in the room is laborious work on my part. I’ll get to it.
I had off yesterday, and I stayed home all day. I didn’t go out. I only posted here some realizations. And I moved forward with credit repair activities. That right there is partly why I changed my routine yesterday. (I’m feeling some fear rising as I write).
Moving steadily forward is not how I’ve lived. This has been a truth in my life. My mentality has been “I need to survive”. I’ve done this, year after year. It keeps me in the cycle of known and predictable activities and mindsets. “When I go here, I play this role. When I go there, I act differently.”
As I was going through my credit repair info yesterday, I mentally began putting pieces together for my next steps. (I’m repairing my credit so I can pull loans for business investments and my bitcoin withdrawal). The financial pieces seem to start fitting easily. This “ease” is not what I’m used to. But I’m seeing what I’ve fantasized about for years as a reality.
Just realized something (!!!)
I’m writing now since I faced that PITA fear when I began planning my day today of laundry and shopping. I’d sit home in fear if I did this, or at least greatly desire to. What clicked…uh…is that I’m taking great strides forward AND trying to hang on to old mentalities simultaneously. That’s why I’m writing. Why I’m feeling some fear and sadness (listening to Elixer Ultima while writing). And why this seems hard at times.
I’m trying to hang on to past ways, even though they don’t take me where I want to go. And taking big steps is raising the tension I carry. It can tire me out physically–which is largely why I did nothing yesterday. hmmm.
What am I afraid of? Leaving my norm feels scary. Opinions welcomed.
I had a self-awareness.
I’ve associated being afraid…with thinking and believing I’m helpless to change things. They always tied together, leaving me staying in one spot to avoid…disappointing others.
I even put “opinions welcomed” in my last post, an old mental route of mine to sideline my own responsibilities and play dependent on others. (And keep me thinking like I did when I was a child)
I’m not stuck in that reality. As best as I can convey, I’m not swimming in that pool presently. My toe is in the water, but not my being. That’s why I can write about it.
Attachment destroyer in action? Maybe. That’s truly amazing.
I’ve found Elixir to be very helpful with DR.
I like reading your journals mate. They always have insights in them.
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Lots of awarenesses popping up. New situations too.
I’m listening to some spiritual music, and 5 minutes ago, I fondly remembered church settings I was in almost 20 years ago. I’ve been listening to the words.
And suddenly I didn’t go to that “block everything else out” mentality. DR has kept my eyes open. I heard a verse of the music, and for a second I flashed back 10 years ago. I was married and playing roles mostly…and I’m leaning heavily towards being unwilling to do that anymore.
However, my whole church experience–during my married years mostly–was pretending and putting up fronts. Holding up the image was given top priority when around my wife, since I picked up she wanted that. I was her yes-man.
It suffocated my relationship with God. I was doing the “right thing”…and I was living a lie. I’ve not been back in church continuously since about 3 years back, when I used a sub from another producer. That sub tore down my bullshit quickly. I ended up deserting church and 12 step groups, as I lived off image there too. I was very aware of my bullshit when I went back, so that’s why I’ve stayed away.
What came to my mind this last half hour is I’ve lived out roles according to people’s expectations. I was doing the right thing, right?
What’s missing is my relationship required me to adjust myself to the perceived expectations. I never found out who these people really were, or even if they had expectations. I’ve done this very thing with God.
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These are definitely DR level insights.
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My bullshit.
Almost immediately after writing that last post, it was if my subc was pushing me to be honest–with myself.
It’s showing me that I still hide behind a lot of bullshit. I feel like I should write with some kind of fake smile on my face. You know, the “I’m great!!” face. Guilty.
This sub is changing everything I “think” I stand on. Feels scary now, but I have sense of immense joy and relief inside while imagining being free from those chains. Gotta stop living like a master con artist to myself. My survival gear wasn’t made for 24/7/365 use (thank you DR).
That’s my truth.
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Guilty as charged!
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@SubliminalUser. I knew I wasn’t alone, so thank you for speaking up. That’s one of those social norms many never speak about.
It’s a US thing, I believe. I was on the beachside last week feeling the tension amongst the rich silently competing with other rich people, and I realized I’ve played a yes man to many. My experience was thrown sideways later remembering seeing some foreigners in the area. They don’t smile and wave like we do, but it’s not common in most other countries as well. Via the media here, it’s modeled and taught to be a compliant kiss-ass. Almost every other country IMO sees it for the bs it is.
I desired to be less fake, and the foreigners’ presence was a relief to me.
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I bought Renassance Man, and am listening to it now. It’s my first loop. I bought it for multiple reasons, but self expression and motivation are 2 main ones.
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Ok @SubliminalUser, here goes.
I didn’t think I’d be listening to St1 today. I listened to RM this morning, it stimulated my mind incredibly…and then midday I found Saint’s post which Simon pulled up. Saint said the temptation to switch subs often comes just before a major breakthrough. I actually put on St1 an hour ago and finished it out of a desired habit, not fear truly. It made me soft (crying now).
I just got off @COWolfe’s thread, and his honesty got to me. I really connected with the “I can’t succeed, yet I can’t fail” mentality. Not sure where it comes from (I’ve kind of been afraid to really know) since…I felt terrified I’d feel helpless once again. “once again” is tied to memories of feeling truly helpless. (that brought up tears)
Stuck, feeling stuck, and fearing feeling stuck. I think that’s been my cycle. Run towards the finish line…but I’ll disappoint someone if I succeed…so I back down. Oh no!! Now I’m disappointing those over there! I NEVER win in this cycle. And failure seems easier…safer. I withdraw so I avoid both parties and the negative attention and shaming. Negative self-beliefs are strengthened, and I relive the same old habits.
Just checked when I began St1. Feb 16. It’s March 15 today, so 2 more months.
I’m truly facing this now. Not “fun”. No, not at all. But it IS attached to why I’m living like this.
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Thanks for this update. Very interesting that you’d succumb to switching-sub reconciliation by purchasing RM. Though I do get the appeal of RM, I’m holding off from any new titles until the end of ST4. I’m holding on.
I didn’t switch. Closer to the truth is I escaped for a couple of hours. 2 tops. It was a refreshing break. I’m not dropping DR. And it’s not because “I know this…and this”. No, I’m continuing because “I want this”. I truly do. It feeds something in me, which I want.
Who exactly would you disappoint by succeeding? Look at that question in as detached a manner as you can. Likely the answer is no one. If someone comes to mind, then, FUCK… THEM!!!
Why would you want to spare the feelings of someone who wanted to see you fail?
In my case, the impression that I’d be abandoning my father, or making him feel bad about himself by succeeding was entirely generated in my own mind. Dad wanted me to succeed.
Now that you’ve made me think about it, when I look back on times that I’ve broken out of that cycle and won at something, or at least gave it my all with no fear of failure, it’s been when I thought people wanted me to fail. In sports, martial arts, and actual fights, I’ve always done my best when the whole room was cheering for the other guy. In anything else, it’s been when someone said I couldn’t do something.
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@Subliminalguy I recommend you check out Bradley Yates’ Freedom to Succeed EFT challenge. It’s going on this week, maybe it can help you out.
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I used to do EFT heavily since lots of permanent change was promised. I did it about a year. Though it didn’t take stuff away permanently, I always found it to be instant stress relief for fears rising. The under the eye area was for fear reduction, and I used it daily.
Pointing back to my recent convo with @COWolfe, I imagined looking up the site you pointed to. I face that same internal stonewall he and I shared: don’t succeed, and don’t fail. St1 is staying on this for me (I’m listening now, and my gut’s locking up while writing)
And @COWolfe, I internalized this belief. You said to tell those who tell me I can’t succeed to eff off, but when it came up minutes ago, all the inner fighting seemed to come from me. I’m telling myself that. I think it was something I internalized when young, without even realizing it. I think it’s one of those beliefs “forced upon us”.
I’m glad I’m using DR.
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