I was still in a crib when it happened. I needed my mom, saw her, maybe yelled for her, but she walked right on by. I don’t know infant psychology, but that memory has stuck with me creating fears and painful reactions.
I found that memory about 10 years back while doing a healing protocol. I remember seeing my mom’s face. She was in emotional shock herself from my dad’s behavior to her.
Interesting. I’ve had many similar experiences growing up. I’ve long thought that you and I have some of the same base issues, but almost opposite (not saying either is better or worse than the other) long term reactions to them.
fuck, fuck fuck.
My mom had this “I’m helpless” mentality, and I took it on too, her being my main example. I hid since she hid. I’ve been walking in her shoes for eons, and I’m seeing it now.
And why I’ve hidden it from myself is I imagined abandonment if people knew I was making similar “I’m helpless” kind of choices. I have been. Sitting here, it’s the only bag of tools I’ve ever used. And subliminals were what brought this to my attention around 4 years back.
Mom thought she was helpless. I’ve thought I was helpless. Am I? (I’m asking myself)
And like Saint pointed out back when Kahn was released, saying goodbye to your old self is a process. There will be some struggle. And tears. Change is rarely uneventful.
I’m going to not run DR today. I left pre-Q Sanguine running on my phone all night, and I need downtime today.
Gotcha. Mine never did the helpless thing. She put on a front of being super capable (not entirely fake) that I didn’t see through until I was an adult. She also didn’t give a crap about me. I got really early that I was on my own so I adapted the way I did. Makes more sense now.
Almost 2 years back I began EOG since I’d been moving that way in my life already. I stopped after 3 months doing Stage 1 since, as I stated last week, I was looking for an emotional foundation in it. I knew I was searching for it, thinking if I dealt with this, everything would come much easier. I wasn’t finding my needed foundation, and I pulled off it.
No, I am not planning to slip in EOG quietly. I did some things lately which encourage me to keep moving forward.
I’ve been writing freely here of actual struggles I’ve had. Bringing in my EOG run here, @Simon encouraged me to write down every impediment to becoming wealthy that I could find. I ended up with over a dozen of these, and he encouraged me to examine them daily, noticing small changes in my thinking.
In a similar way, I’ve been sharing my emotional blocks here.
People might abandon me.
I’ll feel responsible for Mom wasting her life and end up trying to save everyone else to compensate for this guilt.
Mom wouldn’t allow people to love her. Am I loveable?
Noone will like or love me if I’m honest.
I am afraid of painful changes since I’ve feared feeling helpless to change it.
I’ve hidden from actually growing for many years (pre-subliminals)
And they keep coming.
@Simon said writing those blocks down gives the subliminal something to actually work on. People here have asked how I felt EOG worked on me, and I frequently did not respond. I felt like a little boy pretending to be a mature adult around others, and what I actually sought I didn’t find. I felt like a failure. I also didn’t share this, so secrecy = shame, and silence reigned.
I’ll keep writing here.
I also brought up EOG since I am having motivation to make some effective moves financially. It could be Emperor executing. But trading has not been very profitable lately with my miner (he’s one guy using very few strategies, one being (imo) mostly buy and hold (alt-coins).
I did credit repair years back on my credit record, and I’m seeing possibilities of cleaning it up, raising it more with primary tradelines, and applying for loans. I’ve left my credit file untouched for almost 2 years.
I think your head is starting to clear. You have some prizes to look upon and go for.
The most freeing thing I’ve ever realized was that my parents were royally effed up before I was born. Their mental crap had nothing to do with me, I was just born in the line of fire. It isn’t my responsibility to fix problems that I didn’t cause.
That statement is just as true of you. If your mother was unable to love you, it’s a problem with her, not you. You don’t need to carry that weight.
DR seems to be working on that. I haven’t listened to DR this morning, but I am feeling a sensation in my gut, like it’s pulling something off of me.
I’ve only done two loops of stage two, but I feel a sense of detaching.
I’ll stay tuned to hear how you’re doing.
Something happened the last 24 hours, and it’s cool. I’m trying to make sense of it though.
I have used mental hideouts for a long time. Music usually does that to me. Yesterday, I felt like something was shifting, and I’m still uncertain of what’s happening.
I was driving, I had the music on, and I couldn’t go where I usually go mentally. I had mixed feelings internally, like hope right alongside a whiny kid wanting his way.
But here’s what showed up. I tried to pressure myself to be more alert and productive…but I couldn’t go down the same fear route, the one most commonly used. However, I’m not wasting as much time as I normally do. I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening.
And this morning, I’ve not been in an Emperor-fueled busy mindset. No, I’ve been focused on keeping it real with myself, even to where I turned some music on–for 10 seconds–and I turned it off. I didn’t want to go to my “hide from life” place. I looked at the clock, and I had 1.5 hours until I even had to leave. Normally, I’m rushing last minute to be ready.
I’m not sure what’s happening, but I do like it. It’s also not hard. Mentally hiding has been such a norm for me, but this is subtly changing something.
Perhaps you have outgrown your previous ways of coping and are now headed towards strategies for thriving.
Possibly. My attention has not been on keeping time today, a fearful habit of mine. Proof of it showed up literally 3 minutes ago. The office manager texted me asking what time I left. I realized quickly I never clocked out.
That could promote more fear and worry…but I didn’t watch my time this morning, and I zipped through my stops without ever even thinking about it.
I also again practiced listening to that inner voice that came up when I had to pee suddenly. Yesterday, I was in a similar spot, and I prayed, uncertain of how soon I’d find a spot to use. I was driving and heard a faint “turn”, so I turned down a road I’ve never turned on. My turn had me looking straight at an available Port-O-Potty. I had to go suddenly today, and I had doubts this time. But I followed my gut and found some woods soon enough. Call it God or my subconscious, but the lesson for me is on trusting when solutions aren’t known.
Whoa! Wow! Now maybe you might start to rethink some of your ideas about reality. Maybe there is something or someone willing to point you in a positive direction… besides me of course… 
Last night I listened to LDU, and Love Bomb right behind it. Presently, I’m questioning myself heavily since I feel…incompetent. LB hits on core beliefs I have, and it’s causing some level of recon. I’m listening to DR now.
I’m wondering if a rest day or 2 right now might help you.
I’ve been following your posts of months. I’d describe you as competent. This seems to me to be harsh reconciliation.
I disagree, but I haven’t shared openly how Love Bomb is affecting me to convey my truth.
LB hasn’t been easy (I’m running it now) since it’s challenging major negative mental and emotional foundations I’ve used for decades. Regarding competency, I’ve always viewed true competency in relation to me caring for myself. In other words, I felt like I was failing this morning–in keeping my “norm” of avoiding loving myself. This morning I felt weak in being able to hide this from myself. I’d used LB before going to bed, and it worked in me all night. I woke up, listened to DR, and that root was exposed, so I admitted it in short form. I wanted to write more, to find some truth in me while writing, but I had to leave for work.
Today I didn’t feel incompetent at work. But I was very weepy the first hour or so while driving.
Note: I’ve realized I cry more when part of me is still fighting the change the sub is making, which has been common for me on DR. To be clear, happiness, joy, and peace seem foreign and potentially dangerous to me. Fear, sadness, and chaos have much deeper mental tracks due to experiences I created or welcomed myself. These known nemeses don’t frighten me as much, but they do keep my expressions to a minimum.
This morning I was reconciling the habit of avoiding love with an awareness that LB makes me feel like a giver vs. only a taker. I was very aware of this change in me.
To return to your statement, it could have been some recon. But to me, it’s feeling like dams are beginning to break. I am drawn to it.
Keep posting mate! I’m confident your insights are going to help others.