SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#469

I’m happy for your insights and progress! :trophy:

Keep your eyes on the prize mate.

I can say that since about 1 month of focusing on DR st4, I have much less conflict inside. If I want to do something, I notice an absence of self-doubt or fear. I mean simple things like wanting to go to a restaurant or get a beer. Things I think most people just do with pleasant anticipation, without trying to put themselves on a guilt trip. I now notice much less inner debate, and fewer feelings of needing to some how logically justify what I want. As if logic has anything to do with eating at a restaurant or drinking beer. :thinking:

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#470

Dude, don’t judge yourself, everyone hates her. :laughing:

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#471

I trusted my instincts yesterday and began rest days. No DR yesterday. Feeling more processing this morning though, mainly since it’s giving me time to think. Listening to a meditation track currently.

I’m noticing a growing awareness of my own stance to try to keep things predictable, ordered, and non-challenging of what’s in place. And I notice it since DR seems to be presenting itself as a better option. Looking back, I’ve been holding on to stuff for decades (I wanted to say centuries, as it seems like forever).

The illusion I carry is that people without so much fear have a much easier life, without major fears and failings.

DAMN. My mind’s fighting me wanting to say this (the thought disappeared for a moment), but a thought has been growing the last couple of days. I’m seeing I’ve been living in a fantasy, and DR is steadily challenging the actual worth of this belief system. I’ve seen and used other tools before to “wake me up”, but honestly, I just didn’t allow it to happen. I wanted and looked for a “predictable” trip from A to B. In contrast, DR is allowing the reality of everyday life’s ups and downs to incorporate with my previous understandings. That’s real life. And real life isn’t so scary since…I’ve been living in it for decades.

Meanwhile, while DR is pulling me from established patterns, my mind is trying to justify being “safe”. (It’s good I wrote that; it means stuff is processing)

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#472

Something in me felt frightened about writing this. I think it’s important.

I was taking a bathroom break, thinking about positive discussions I’ve had with my area supervisor lately. And I noticed also thoughts of the woman I see every day in my department. I’m admitting my fantasies I admitted in my previous post.

I’m realizing I live under one set of rules around one, and another set around the other. I think it ties to growing up thinking others were in control of me, like with my brothers (I was the youngest brother). They often were in charge, and things were good or bad depending on their confidence or belief in their decisions. Playing the follower worked best for me, and I’ve often used that in life.

2 things are important here.

One, I was left by my brother in my early teens, and it’s hung with me since then, as I’ve rarely made close friendships with males in my life. My supervisor had a fucked up upbringing himself, and copes with it…by drinking daily and sabotaging things in life (finances, 4 marriages, etc). So, I can say there’s some unspoken understanding between us. A fear is touched while writing that.

Secondly, I realize I turned to women as the leaders in my life. I always wanted my mom to do this, but she didn’t, or couldn’t. Enter my (now ex) wife, and she liked to lead everybody. Seeing as I wanted peace and continuity, I followed. However, I felt demasculated more and more, and my resentment and lack of attraction to her grew. I even lost a 10 year job since I acted some anger out around kids (I scared some kids while teaching in a public school). That was a wake-up call for me.

Looping this back to DR, I’ve looked for others to lead me my entire life. This was so I could remain a little boy in my head.

I’m gonna leave that. Part of me so wants to hide it–from me.

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#473

You’re going super deep dude! Hang on to your photons, it’s time for an overhaul!

PS I’m happy for you.

PPS I’m also a fan!

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#474

@RVconsultant, thank you.
@Tobyone, you encouraged me as I read your words.
@COWolfe, thank you for your consistent support. That’s valuable to me.

DR is working on me now, a rest day. I just watched a movie, and it spoke to me. It was about a guy in a new job, thinking the job was most important, but he was hurting his family. He was ignoring them a lot, thinking he was doing it for the “right reasons”.

I don’t know why, but it’s touching something in me. --I’m the one who, for various reasons, ignores others a lot. Wondering “why?”

I say I know the answer, but am I asking myself the needed questions?

I don’t think I do. That’s why having people around helps me. At the same time, this issue is loaded with emotion and memories from way back.

Gonna use @Malkuth’s idea, and say “fuck it” and go through it.

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#475

That’s deep man!

I wish I could say I’m going to watch a movie to inspire deep thought… one of the Friday the 13th movies is on the schedule for this weekend. I think number 8. It’s the series that just won’t end.

#476

Funny :). I didn’t watch it for deep thought.

But part of me says “bullshit!”

I watched it looking for some connection in my own life, and that story, a G-rated film, found its spot.

G-rated since it was about a man trying to be a pastor who worked for a charismatic, shallow leader. Well, the guy got fired and began at an inner-city church. He tried the charismatic guy’s style, but the inner-city church just wanted someone who cared. So did his family.

The message: skip all the bullshit and impressions. HEAR US!

It touched me because, in a sense, I see myself in both sides. Part of me needs to be heard…and the bigger part of me needs to listen.

–I’ve never had an appetite for scary movies. They stay in my head way too long!

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#477

DR will help me heal from them… :grin:

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#478

That was funny!

#479

Wondering about something. Might it be recon?

I just read through a bit of my posts here I made in December. I did 3 loops one day, 4 another…

There’s an old belief of mine which says “more is BETTER!!”, even though recon sucks. I may do 2 Monday morning, or a 2nd later in the day. However, I used the stock St1 then. I’m on a name embedded custom now. I’ll leave this open.

#480

Ok, having some recon this morning on my 2nd rest day. I put in extra Ultimas the last 2 days There’s pros and cons.

Pro: Recon is holding me back from picking up RM. Self-expression is gold to me. Finding and flourishing my own creativity has been a hidden MUST for me. (hidden from myself)

Pro: that slight overload I feel today says too much is too much. More today will take my peace.

Pro: I’m experiencing that familiar battle on DR of trusting things will turn out ok. Listening to this in recent times has proven beneficial. I’ll pick up RM in time; now may not be the best option.

Pro: I’m feeling good about myself after writing the above

No cons here really. I want RM, but I’m acting responsibly.

Also, I’ve not been super productive lately. @James is active as hell on RM. I miss this myself when at home.

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#481

Just reading someone’s post gave me courage to share this.

I read Saint’s reply to someone asking about mixing DR with RM (it was a custom question), and he said DR will overpower RM. His later words are what’s bothering me. He said some get stuck in healing. That’s a big reason I’m attracted to RM. I wonder “when will I live?” This may be recon, probably is, but I feel stuck this morning. It’s doing the same fear-based avoiding of little opportunities like being around women in public. I’ve got to do laundry today, and I’m thinking I might do the same old avoidance shit again.

What WILL I do today?

Maybe this uncomfortableness is a positive. Noone really wants to stay in their shit. I have for a long time out of fearfully avoiding other options, but I’m realizing that living is much more desirable than hiding. This feels new to me. Me being me here.

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#482

It’s a bit crazy and I have yet to run Renaissance Man with Executive or R.I.C.H. as I intend to do

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#483

Does R.I.C.H. get you busy as well?

#484

So many changes. So many new choices.

Last night, while lying in bed, I listened to Love Bomb. And I listened to my DR custom this morning. I was intentionally seeking a response from others today since I have Chosen of Venus is in my custom.

However, I feel sad now. Last week I read someone’s post about using LB, and they said they were doing some reconciling since they knew they had distorted understandings of what love was. I’m seeing this in me, and it all points to my expectations of others. Expectations will batter even the most caring person around me.

A good memory just popped up of my old 12-step sponsor, a man with over 30 years of sobriety. For almost every single resentment anyone could air, he could always point it back to expectations that person had.

I think of my relationship with my ex-wife. Our expectations of each other often overlapped, and naturally…it was “her fault I’m angry!” My sponsor pointed out easily that I was holding expectations of her (to treat me better, esteem me, whatever), and he was right. Most of my expectations are VERY, VERY, VERY unrealistic. That’s why they’ll batter a caring person. They battered her.

Flip. I realize NOW I still am very wary of relationships since my understanding of love is actually engulfed by “you should do this. And that.” It’s very unforgiving. When my expectations run wild, I’m overbearing.

I guess that’s what it’s working on.

I’m actually wanting to drop these today. No shit. I feel like I have a choice now.

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#485

Keep your eye on the prize mate!

#486

I’m getting a lot of internal resistance writing this. I’m just gonna.

@RVconsultant , I saw this mid-day, and it’s been on my mind all day. And more specifically, I’ve been thinking over this all weekend. DR has been at work.

When I first saw your reply, I was defensive. I blamed you for upsetting my normal stride, what I normally do to stay in my bubble. On and off throughout the day, I was looking for some way to communicate my mix of irrational, fearful thoughts–and simultaneously hide this from myself. (Yeah, I do that)

I wonder “what IS my prize??” Over the weekend, when RM came out, I got a glimpse of what I’ve been doing here. I’ve been hiding myself here, fearfully following any person’s workable plan. It’s what I’ve always done, on autopilot. If I didn’t make waves, make noise, or piss anybody off…well, that’s been my major aim in life. Stay low, hide in some part of life where praise is received–and thus not face the danger of being rejected, or worse, abandoned. I did it in 12 step rooms for decades. I spent 10 years in college–to receive a 4 year degree. Again, my whole life aim is to live so…ahem…people will like me. Furthermore, why would I change my life if people liked me where I’m at now? (I’m doing this same thing at work too)

This last weekend, I began questioning what I actually wanted, using the subliminals. I’m assuming RM will allow my creativity to blossom. In contrast, … I’ve been running 1-2 loops of Emperor 4 daily since I got my custom St1. I began it as an experiment and pushed myself to stay on it. This last weekend, I realized that using Emperor is an exact clone of my pattern to fit in and be liked.

I decided today to stop running Emperor with DR. I came for a change, and Emperor was holding it back. Emperor also steeled my emotions up a little, so I wasn’t crying so frequently (more than once a day).

Honestly, I don’t have a (likeable) prize I can identify at this moment. My whole life I’ve either hid or mirrored everyone else. I’ve been around recovery rooms and have used subliminals to hide myself from…being abandoned. What I’m seeing is that I regularly abandon myself so I’ll “fit in”.

I’ve been doing too much, so it’s back to just DR and ultimas.

… something I realized before ever writing this post is–I’m angry. Not at myself. I’m angry I’m hiding from life year after year–hoping noone notices me. This pisses me off deeply, and it’s heartfelt. I really feel it.

Edit: change has never been my life’s goal. This is what is making me so uncomfortable and angry. I have been successful doing that. UUUGGGHHH!

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#487

Question, why do you fear abandonment so much? I only ask because what you wrote there got me thinking about why I don’t. With my background it would make sense if I did, but I’m not bothered by the concept at all.

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#488

Your thinking is paying off and will continue to pay off! I’m happy for you!

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