- I just bought Stage 3. I don’t start it for another three weeks, but there was some OT on this check, so I thought I’d get it while I could. I was looking at what modules I’d included and I realized why the habit change was happening. Eye of the Storm. That sucker is lethally effective. I just have to deeply decide that I want to make something into a habit and Boom! It is one.
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- Today is my one day off this week, and I got all of my weekly house tasks banged off like it was nothing. That’s like six or seven weeks in a row. It’s really hard to believe that those things used to feel so daunting to me that I just didn’t feel like doing them and put them off for months on end.
This is one of the ways I have changed over the past five months. I’d say I feel like a whole new person, but at this point I don’t really feel it. I have to think about it to realize how much different my thinking, feelings, and actions have become. It feels pretty much normal to me.
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- I’ve been getting a fleeting thought/feeling on and off all day that there is another way out of the situations that I feel stuck in. That would be both the career and financial mess. I’ve been thinking of too limited a range of options. There are “outside the box” solutions that I’m not quite seeing. It’s kind of like having a word on the tip of your tongue.
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**Stage 2 Cycle 2 Week 4**
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Not a whole lot going on at the moment. I continue to feel “normal” not like I’m changing quickly like I did at the beginning and when I switched to stage two.
I hit this point with most subs. It doesn’t mean that change isn’t happening, just that the rate has slowed down and that what is happening feels normal because my subconscious has largely accepted the script.
Good timing, I have three more weeks until I start Stage 3. -
I had a good conversation with a coworker who is the head of an organization for people with a mutual interest. It was a good talk, and it brought up some really important things. First, he said that he respected me a lot several times and about several different things. Thats new. I’m not used to many people coming right out and saying that they respect me.
Second, I was talking about my life situation and realized that how I’m thinking about it has changed markedly.
I used to (and recently) blame my wife for mistreating me, pushing me into parenthood when we knew she was going to become increasingly disabled, and dropping all of the weight on me.
That’s not how I think about it now. If there’s any resentment now, it’s at myself for allowing those things to happen to me. After all, I could have stopped every one of them from happening by standing up for myself.
The first time the wife got domineering with me, I very well could have told her that if she does that again, I was out of there. The relationship either would have been very different, or ended. I could have put my foot down many times and guided events in a way that I wanted to go rather than how someone else did. I didn’t, and the results are the parts of my life that I am dissatisfied with. In a lot of those cases, I KNEW I wouldn’t like the results but didn’t fight for myself.
The thing that I realized is that I had control all along, but opted not to use it.
The same is true about finances and many other aspects of my life. If I had made the decision to take control of it earlier and made the choices that exercised that control, things would look more like I want them to now.
I am in a situation now where regaining the control that I gave up is going to be harder, but it’s still very possible.
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- Something just randomly occurred to me. One of the ways I’ve held myself back from getting things that I’ve wanted in life is something that I call the “rev limiter”. This is a mental construct that prevents me from putting full effort into anything that I really want to succeed at. It’s very apparent in physical activity such as lifting weights. I’ll get to a certain point and my body will seem to just stop doing what I’m telling it to do. In the past, that has often happened long before I feel that it should be giving out because the activity is too strenuous for it. I felt that there was a lot more in the tank in many cases, but it wouldn’t come out. I was aware that this was a purely mental phenomenon, but seemed powerless to do anything about it.
It happened in non physical things too. For instance, the last time I tried finishing my degree online, I started successfully, but at some point I just stopped doing the work. I didn’t seem to be able to force myself to do it on a day to day basis. It was almost the same experience. I was telling myself to do it, but the part of me responsible for executing that order just wouldn’t do it.
I know why. It was a negative self image protecting itself. It held the truth that I was weak and not supposed to be able to bench press over X amount, so it stopped me from exerting enough effort to build the strength to do that. It held that I was too much of a loser to have a degree, so it prevented me from putting in the sustained effort to get one because my initial success scared it. That is a very powerful thing.
The good news is that I’m not feeling that anymore. When I work out, I feel like I push it until my body quits. I seem to be able to put maximum effort into succeeding in other things too.
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Wow! It’s as though every other day you have milestone! I’m very happy for you, man!
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- I noticed something when I looked in the mirror this morning. I tend to get a defined groove down the center of my abdominal area when I’m working out regularly. It’s back, and with only working out for a week. That lead me to see that my gut is noticeably smaller than it used to be as well and looks less loose and sloppy. And my arms and shoulders are more re defined and a bit bigger. Not bad for a week.
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Awesome. I love those easily noticeable results!
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- Odd phenomenon the last couple of days. I’ve almost forgotten to run my sub. I’ve kind of had to remind myself and wound up running it later than I normally would. Use of this sub has just become so much a part of the background that I don’t think about it nearly as much as I used to. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m going to have to be careful.
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Historically, thats always been the danger zone for me. I start the notice results and my negative self image freaks out and starts to try to get me to quit. I don’t think so this time though.
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One possible way of looking at it is that the person you are becoming wouldn’t need to run subs as much as Wolfy 1.0 would.
Wolfy 2.0 might only need to listen a fraction of the time.
This thought process is brought to you by the NLP idea of the logical level of “Identity” 
Possible. I’m going with either Wolfie 1.5’s remaining negative self image is trying to get tricksey, or Stage 2 has done it’s thing and I am ready to start Stage 3 now. Either way, I’m sticking to the plan and doing the full twelve weeks. If for no other reason than one of the changes I’m trying to make is to make good solid plans and stick to them, not jump from one thing to another.
Wolfie 2.0 seems to be a lot more organized than 1.0.
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- A couple of other things happened today. I felt really confident and dominant today. I made very strong eye contact with everyone I met. Hell everyone I walked past. Even this homeless dude who was outside of a store I was walking into. The common wisdom is not to make eye contact with them, but I just did it this time. When I’ve done this before, they usually try to hit me up for money or something, but this one looked like he was thinking about it for a nanosecond, then just kind of stepped back like he didn’t even want to engage and ended up opening the door for me without a word. It wasn’t like an “I’m afraid you’re going to kick my ass” type of response either. Hard to describe, but more like a recognition that I was someone who people should make way for and not try to beg money from.
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- Last night my supervisor came by to give me a break. I heated up my lunch and came back to my post, and he started talking. I like the guy, but hes one of these people who will keep a conversation going forever if you let him, and I wanted to eat my lunch while it was still hot. At some point I just said “Hey, I’d like to eat my lunch” and the conversation ended. It’s a little thing, but I wouldn’t have done it even a few months ago. It shows an increase in my assertiveness.
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- That was interesting. I got a pretty massive wave of stress, probably the worst I’ve experienced while on DE just before running my loop tonight. It was focused on our financial situation. I don’t know that I’d call it recon because it is getting to the point where if Something doesn’t happen really quickly, things might start happening.
I still don’t feel nearly as bad as I have in the past. I’ve been here before and always manage to pull it out.
It follows a yearly cycle too. Summer is the bad time, and by fall, something happens to make it OK for a while.
It’s odd. I have this odd suspicion that I was using the energy from the stress to cause the manifestations on that other company’s subs.
The feeling cleared at some point during my loop.
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Holy Crap! @Azriel helped me figure out a major part of my success ceiling with something he said on another thread. Specifically why I’ve had trouble actually getting to a financially stable position, but the same basic thing, or similar, has caused a lot of my problems.
The short version is that for most of my childhood, I lived under constant dread that something worldshakingly horrible was just about to happen. It started right after my parents got divorced when my father started constantly talking about suicide. He talked about it like it was an inevitability and would happen at any second. So I lived from age six onward expecting that sword of Damocles to drop at today every day.
I also feared being the cause of it happening if I didn’t pay enough attention to him, or if I did something to upset him. He was the most comforting human connection I had at that time since Mom had all the maternal warmth of a Komodo Dragon in a liquid nitrogen bath, so losing him would be the absolute end of the world to my kid mind. It was always just on the cusp of happening, but left me in an endless liminal purgatory because it never quite did. I spent years sure that the world was about to blow up on me, and it would be my fault. And these were kid years (those seem a lot longer if you remember) I can’t adequately describe the anxiety I felt on a daily basis.
Unfortunately, these were also the years when my brain and mind were forming and figuring out what was normal and comfortable. The constant dread and low grade adrenaline/cortisol dump became the first “normal” I ever got used to. And therefore it is to me, the only real normal.
I’m addicted to it.
Ever since that time, my subconscious has been engineering looming disasters both real and imagined to keep me in that crisis state. Some part of me in the deep caves of my subconscious still really wants that feeling.
This was a sudden insight. I can see how I’ve arranged every portion of my life to avoid stability and when I didn’t have anything that could really go to shit, I attached a huge emotional charge to something small and irrelevant that could go wrong so it seemed like it. Seriously, times in my life when I didn’t have much real to worry about confused me, so I damn well found something.
That is fucking why I can’t ever seem to make it to financial “safety” because being “safe” or secure makes a part of my subconscious incredibly uncomfortable for no other reason than the feelings that causes is outside of my range of experience. -
I have a similar irrational resistance to fully accomplishing goals though I am a bit less clear on the reasons for that one. I’m sure the two things are closely related though.
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This was a very Stage Two realization. Phase one dealt with thinking patterns, and it was pretty easy to analyze them, realize that they were fucking moronic in the light of day, and get rid of them.
This is an addiction to an emotional state that’s causing me to self sabotage and even manifest bad shit on myself. It’s probably coupled with an early childhood addiction to a cocktail of stress hormones too. I don’t know how to think my way out of that.
I’ll just trust that the pattern with DR holds, and anything dumped into my conscious mind like that is close to being resolved. -
Come to think about it, I have been feeling a lot less stress on this program. That might explain the kind of empty feeling I’ve had. It’s withdrawal. It feels similar to when I’ve tried to quit nicotine. It feels like there SHOULD be something there, but it’s not.
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OK, since it’s an overthinking introspection kinda night, I figured something else out. That negator thing I talked about a while back. It’s purpose is to block my manifestation ability from causing the massive disasters that I’m afraid of from actually happening, or me from actually getting to the point where I’ve prevented them from happening entirely and don’t have to worry about them anymore. If either thing happens, the liminal state is broken and the anxiety stops. What’s more, if the disaster happens, I would learn that these things are survivable and I wouldn’t be as anxious the next time. Cant have that.
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I am similarly addicted to an anticipation frustration cycle. That’s more or less a variation on the same theme. That one was most apparent when I tried for many years to get into the type of job I desperately wanted. I applied many many times over the years. Every time I failed at some point. Usually it was the panel interview, but when I got past that, I managed to sabotage myself on one of the later stages. Matter of fact, I remember how it felt the first time I got through one of those. It was weird and very hard to describe. I hadn’t expected that to happen and there was this subtle sense of confusion and panic. Like, this isn’t supposed to happen what the fuck do I do now? It was even worse the two times I used a competitor’s targeted manifestation program (apparently it can actually overpower this whole process temporarily) and actually got the job. I got there and then I was off the map. I panicked without being consciously aware of it (if that makes a damn bit of sense) and got brain fog, bad luck, repeated mistakes, inability to learn a skill, and whatever it took to kick me out of OJT and back into the cycle.
I heavily emotionally invested in every application and made my sense of the future dependent on getting every job. That gave me hope and anticipation, but also a lot of anxiety every time. I guess it is the same phenomenon in that I saw failure to get the job as a disaster to be feared. The difference was that it actually happened a lot. I felt intense frustration and despair each time. I never gave up and let the story end in total failure either.
That’s because, once again I was addicted to in this case two emotional states. -
The long and short of this is that I have an unhealthy attachment to emotional conditions that only exist in a liminal state. If whatever I’m involved in actually ends, either well or badly, that state is broken, and that part of my subconscious no longer gets what it needs. That’s why I have trouble actually accomplishing my goals I have to be in a constant state of almost there and have trouble closing a chapter and opening a new one.
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The muscle building effect in Emperor and the workout I’m using are a lethal combination. When I looked in the mirror this afternoon, I noticed that my pecs have grown. A lot. My entire body had that V tapered shape despite still having a bit of a gut, and it happened like overnight, I didn’t notice that yesterday.
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My mind is still chewing on my realizations from last night. It keeps mulling over the concept that a lot of my problems are caused by nothing more than an addiction to various negative emotional states.
It makes sense the more I think about it. I can see it now that the thinking patterns and false beliefs that were causing me to stay in those states have been removed or at least challenged.
It’s clear that a part of me still wants to feel that way and is very uncomfortable in the absence of those kind of feelings. It now can’t justify causing the bad emotional state that it needs, but it’s still trying to. The rest of this process might not be pleasant, but it will be interesting. -
This all followed a now familiar pattern. I get a bout of reconciliation, or at least uncomfortable negative thoughts and feelings followed shortly by relief and a very detailed realization of what is really going on.
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- This afternoon as I was doing stuff around the house I had a very immersive daydream/visualization about the end of our financial crisis. I mean it was over, we’d be able to pay the bills without worrying about it for the foreseeable future and could move on to better times. I mention this because I haven’t been able to do this, even when I tried since sometime shortly after I started DE. I didn’t sense any activity by the negator either, and in the past I’d usually be able to. It’s kind of like DR took the visualization and manifestation ability offline, debugged it, and now it’s coming back online.
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That kicks ass. Do you have Miind’s Eye to possibly help that along any further?
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