Thanks @DarkPhilosopher. I’m going to PM you with some questions, as I’m tempted to follow your suggestion.
Edit: 3 days is the max I’ve ever taken off SC subs.
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Saturday I started a one-week break. I may take 2. Just haven’t decided yet.
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I’m realizing an old sense of powerlessness in me. I’m sharing this since…well, I’ve used it, relied on it…felt like shit about following its leading, and then began hating it. It’s like it was familiar but miserable too.
I used it to manipulate others to do what I could have done myself. I’m trying to write detached from this, but it’s coming up. I actually wrestled with taking responsibility for myself over the weekend. More accurately, I wanted to hide in la-la land in my mind. I wasn’t sure why. I just followed it–but I studied myself to see what was happening.
What I’m seeing is I’ve defaulted into a trance-like mentality a lot of my days. Work is a simple escape for me. I actually find it enjoyable, tbh (I’m very physical on my job, and I enjoy that). It’s coming home and allowing my inner self to show and express himself which is what I run away from many days.
And right there, upon writing that, the old pattern in me showed up. This pattern says “I’m afraid I’ll be hurt if I handle my feelings. Someone help me!!” Passing the buck on to someone else.
My mind went to women after writing that. I’ve looked at women in a motherly way–don’t know why I’m writing this. Something clicked though: I’m still seeking my mom’s attention through other women. Fuck 
My marriage got f-ed up by me doing that with my wife. It’s made dating since the divorce a very undesired venture. “Can we meet? And oh, I’d like you to comfort me like I wanted my Mom to. Deal?” This shit is never spoken, but damn, it’s out there. Avoiding women is less stressful for me. This deceptiveness leads me–so I don’t follow it. It’s an old default for me.
Don’t know why I’m writing—I’m doing this for me. I’m owning it.
I want to have some personal power back in my life. This old shit’s been holding on ferociously. And breaking free…hmmm…is a choice. My choice. Questioning myself heavily right now.
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Redirecting my thoughts.
I felt proud just moments ago. I was reading the Wanted discussion thread, and I got a little pumped, wishing to write. But oh yeah, I’m on sub break right now, and me thinking about something often leads to trying subs out. I felt like feeling sorry for myself. I saw it and caught myself. I realized I could do, say, or write anything. I have choices, not mandates to feel bad about myself in real life. I’m finally seeing this on an emotional level, where I make almost all of my daily decisions.
I’m just starting to not be attached to (and trapped by) all the known emotions that come with seeing my own faulty thinking. The DR sales page is coming to life where it says we’ll see how we tick more and more on a daily basis. I’m more objective. That’s awesome! 
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It does that. I think I just found the bottom as far as how and why I’ve been screwing myself up goes.
I also think that the understanding comes after the issue is mostly resolved, so if you’re getting it, that’s a good sign.
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Changes happening. I listened to AM this morning. I’ve still not put on DR yet. It’s still executing.
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Doing my first loop of my custom DR St2 since 2 Saturdays back (it’s Sunday now). 8 days off DR, following DarkPhilosipher’s suggestion.
I have been avoiding DR lately. I think I’m unsure why, but my feelings just tell me I’m afraid of something. I began with AM (preQ) Friday night, I did Ascension and AM yesterday, and I’m wanting to run AM again today. I’m feeling my feelings while listening at this moment, and I still am afraid of feeling stuck and powerless while feeling like shit. It’s a childhood memory/association I have, and listening to AM builds me from the inside. I’m reflecting on my early Ascension days when I started at SC, and I feel different, like I’m more aware of what’s really going on in me now. Ascension touches on my belief in myself, and having some balance of it lately is essential. I’ve even felt afraid of admitting my use of Ascension or AM–since I’ve had this uncomfortable feeling of not being committed to DR. I haven’t wanted to look all flaky. I did fantasize about jumping off before my break, and it was definitely recon.
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I had one significant feeling pop up last Friday, and I’ve mentioned it in private to 2 guys here. Last Friday morning, upon waking up, I was in an off mood. This was weird for me, and I allowed it since it bordered on anger without me feeling violent. I began thinking about my bitcoin miner and recent decisions he’s made, and I began feeling very angry. However, I wasn’t afraid of this anger–which is abnormal for me.
I allowed my anger, and a distrust followed. I realized my miner (who’s been trading lately to raise a withdrawal fee) has lost big trades…and I’ve essentially walked around it. I’ve avoided something here. Since I was still on rest days, I wondered what this may be. What part of the sub was finally executing?
And it hit me: Power Can Corrupt. I have it in my custom. It seemed to ask “what is he REALLY doing?” I’ve avoided this kind of thinking–and I’m realizing that even as a young child I didn’t want to be unfaithful to those who cared about me. Even my last post, my fear of admitting me using AM, was based on the thinkng “DON’T be unfaithful to your (brothers)!”
I’m still wrestling and considering how I’m relating to others now. This is a first for me. Emotionally, I’ve never done this. It is a GOOD challenge to face.
Damn, change seems normal for some, but I’ve avoided change a lot in my life. DR is doing miracles for me.
Edit: Oh yeah, I haven’t contacted my miner since this change is about me. I’m looking at side businesses a lot more, taking responsibility myself. (what happened to me? 
)
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It’s 2 hours later, I’ve been reading threads, considering what’s going on in me…and I just felt HIT by something.
This morning, upon waking, I felt like getting out soon, like real soon. This is not normal for me, and I was not fighting myself in any way. But I stayed knowing I wanted to listen to DR first. I did that, and have kept reading and writing some.
I have to do laundry, my main to-do, plus shop. I considered one store I go every weekend, and BAM! There’s one woman cashier who…is on my mind, not in a positive way. Not at all.
She reminds me of my mom. I actually relate to her like she’s my mom. Red hair, mid 60’s, and most evident is her reputation for speaking like she’s powerless over her life. She whines a lot, and I listen like I did with my mom since my mental tapes say “she’s got it rough. She needs emotional support, so I’ll keep listening.”
And that’s what slapped me just now. I give over my peace continually while she laments over anything really.
I don’t want to do that. I am safely admitting it’s also why I’ve hid at home on weekends sometimes. That inner guilt and demand to give to her just DO NOT sit well with me. It hasn’t for ages, and I usually either try to avoid her, and yet mentally I’ve been controlled. Like there’s this constant tape telling me “you’ve got to help her. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta!”
This is the exact tape that ran me when my mom was alive. I’d avoid, avoid, avoid since this inner voice never shut up. So, it be: avoid her, feel guilt and shame, then fear of abandonment would surface so I’d re-enter her life. Instant overwhelm, so I’d avoid her again, and I’d loop this scenario year after year.
Before I ran subs and did 12 step groups, I’d be tempted to rescue her repeatedly. Weekly. This life sucked.
I’m asking myself (and am afraid of finding out) what I could do differently. Part of me is fearing getting in trouble (a childhood mindset) if I avoid her.
Damn. I just saw it. Holy moly.
I avoid and abandon myself by helping her and not me. It’s all or nothing in this mindset, and resentment against myself surfaces while giving all my love away. I hurt myself when I put unrealistic expectations on others. That chaos storm is why I’m home now. Avoiding “mom” again.
I don’t have to do that. Guilt crept up while writing that. Here’s to believing DR is about letting go of our past. Going out.
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I can understand this, it’s how I felt about my father. There is nothing wrong with avoiding this type of person. One of my academy instructors said something that really stuck with me. You can’t rescue anyone if you become a victim too. He was talking about physical danger of course, but the metaphor holds for this kind of thing. You can’t help anyone if trying will drag you into the maelstrom and you have no obligation to do that.
If you really want to help, babble enthusiastically about Subclub. That might actually do her some good if she grabs the lifeline. People like that often don’t really want effective help, but you don’t have to give it either.
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I never saw her. I didn’t even think of her while there 
I felt good while out in town. I had AM v.2 (not Qv2) running in my pocket, and it’s been kicking in. After writing my last post, I began it, and I didn’t go to the store I’d spoke of until the very end. It was stressful, so I stayed away. When I finally got there, I never even saw the woman I spoke of. Awesome.
Something did happen in that store which I’ll mention for documentation. About 3 weeks back, a male cashier rung me up, and I had 2 bags of croissants in my checkout. He had smelled one bag, saying they smelled yeasty, but I was embarrassed (2 attractive women behind me), so I ignored this, paid, and left. When I got home, I found the one bag had mold in it. This guy was working today, and for weeks I’ve planned on telling him when I saw him. I wanted to own this. I’ve put myself in his shoes dozens of times, and I didn’t feel good about my exchange with him.
Man, I got sad when I saw him. I could have spoken to him when I entered the store since no one was in his line, but I began choking up. Huh? I passed him, and I spoke to him when I was checking out.
I’ve had things happen in this store before, mostly during Christmas time when charities and giving opportunities pop up everywhere. I could have began crying today, but I didn’t. I didn’t swallow it either. That’s growth.
What also kicked in was productivity, like the exact opposite of procrastination. I went to Wally-world first, ordered some tires for my vehicle, went shopping, and even noticed some women eyeing me. I went to get my oil changed at another place (I’ve been “thinking” about this for weeks), but they closed down early since it’s Sunday. It’ll happen this week. AM moves me–no doubting myself or anything. And I feel better when I’ve completed something.
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That’s what I’m loving in the Emperor part of DE. I just get crap DONE, and am able to acknowledge it and feel good about it after.
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I don’t know what you mean by this. Would you please clarify?
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Made me laugh.
I meant jumping off DR. Recon symptoms.
DR, Stage 2
Week 4 (due to rest week)
One loop while writing now
Feelings this morning: uncertainty, some self-doubt
I’ve put 2 new things in my routine. One is AM, the other is a scalar frequency product I’ve owned and used daily for about 4 months. It has multiple settings I can choose, and I’ve used it mostly for grounding and health improvement.
2 days ago I chose to put on a spiritually focused frequency.
And I just realized something. I’ve been uncertain of exactly what’s happening. It’s like I sense some fear constantly running around, poking at memories and feelings, inciting more fear…but what clicked was what was happening before this turned up. I’m modeling @COWolfe’s reflections since he’s kept a good focus while healing.
2-3 days ago: I felt good. Happy even. Good things happening at work, definite plans to join a crypto business to allow me to make some good side money trading crypto. I felt good. I felt hope.
And right in the middle of it: a fear of moving forward. Like a fear of success. (Part of me is saying “why are you admitting this?”) I’m seeing my mind trying to derail my truth. I can say that most of my life I’ve believed I couldn’t do it, and I’ve piggy-backed off of other’s success, happiness, and achievements. This caused me pain with the victim mindset. I’m even feeling that old “I can’t do this” mentality trying to dig in while I write. Even imagining it is creating pain. I give my own power away when I use it. DR must be battling this!
That’s where my head is at this morning. DR is working on this, and that’s AWESOME!
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Listened to a loop of LDU qv2 last night
Listening to my custom DR St2 now.
I’m facing something huge this morning. i woke up, looked for changes or anything significant going on. I knew I had to listen to a loop.
And when i considered writing here, feelings of pain hit me clearly. I realized I’m facing an old trauma in my life. I constantly say “what would happen if I wrote this?” I’m constantly fishing for acceptable things to write so I won’t be rejected. I come here, imagine just for a second of me being myself without guards up, and it quickly goes away. This is hitting home right now.
It’s also why it takes me 30 minutes or longer to write a simple journal entry. A fear screams at me “don’t write THAT!!” So I sit here, looking at my words, waiting to feel ok with it. I face this each time I write.
And as I finished writing that last sentence, I froze again. I imagined stopping. I went through a quick imagination of feeling rejected again, thus the freeze.
Every single time.
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I’m also noticing myself wanting, like really wanting, to connect here. These 2 opposite wants and needs (“Stay AWAY” and “come closer”) are warring in me. This is how my life’s been for ages. Just writing is connecting, which is why I am doing it now.
Sad.
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This is an uncomfortable post. It’ll likely be an uncomfortable read. Just warning you.
I’m going through some big identity change (or challenge), and right along with it, some core issues have emerged. I’m closer to ending St2, and they suddenly popped up. And that’s why I’ve chosen to be on DR.
I’m not writing much lately. Every time I consider it, I instantly check myself. I’ve come here for years now, and I (still) react non-stop to people. Everybody does that, right? DR is showing me stuff I’d never seen before.
Coming here (now) is me facing, feeling, and fearing rejection. “What if I write this/that??” This used to be a desired challenge for me. I’m seeing it at work with guys, and I’m not pushed to pretend as much internally. I’m intentionally reacting less externally. But internally it’s been hitting me, and I’m thinking I’m looking for my old “norm”.
I thought about focusing on my present direction and results here. It’s easy, kind of. But this is just spillover from past events. About 3 days ago, I had an emotional flashback. This is an emotional first for DR. I remembered Mom when I was young. I felt rejected. I felt wrong. I felt shameful. And powerless after. I felt unable to reverse this (though I’ve consistently tried). I’ve been looping and looping these beliefs into my life–all my life. With women, with men, everyone actually…I’ve felt unwanted. Undesirable. Rejected. And consistently faced with choosing to play like I’m powerless, or changing something in my life. I’ve done both repeatedly.
My life has been focused on coping with this. This fucking sucks. I won’t edit that. It isn’t wanted or desired, yet it’s been the paradigm I’m living under. I’ve done what I’ve known about.
This past week, I had begun stacking with AM. 2 days later I switched to Emp4. I sought more internal power, thus the switch. And I last changed it to StarkQ due to its social smoothness–it feels less competitive vs. Emperor.
----what I’ve often done here when facing possible rejection is either grovel and eek for someone to reach out and save me, or lately, I feel more drawn to not going that route–and rejecting anyone first via anger and rudeness. The one I’m reminded of consistently is @RVconsultant. I told him off quickly in this thread regarding rest days. He obliged, but I’ve known I was wrong. Sitting with the results isn’t desirable. But facing the imagined rejection again isn’t easy (just thought “his, or my own rejection?” Maybe this is what’s happening)
@RVconsultant, I’m sorry. I was rude to you, and you didn’t deserve that. I was wrong by treating you that way.
I’m presently sitting with this reality, purposefully taking rest days today. I did a loop of Stark yesterday morning, but after reading more about overload, I’ll be off today and tomorrow (though I’m craving it).
–Wow. Sitting here, hearing the self-rejection going on. Specifically, due to feeling less powerful as I’ve written, I imagined shutting down this post using a “they don’t wanna listen” tape. Damn. That’s a truth there.
Feeling anxious as I finish here. I almost pushed “reply”, then imagined scrapping this. here goes…
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Old insecurities are still alive, but I stepped back for a second and realized DR must be executing. 
If I’m feeling it, DR must be challenging it, and this is GOOD.
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Apology accepted, man!
As for rest days, another week off subliminals might help even more.
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