SubliminalGuy's Dragon Reborn Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#562

Damn. I read a post in @COWolfe’s journal midday. I could absolutely relate. Then @remarkable replied, and he called it quite accurately.

What do I get out of speaking poorly of myself?
Why do I seek other’s acceptance more than my own?
Why do I try to go down in life, even when good is happening?
Why would I moan about this shit constantly?
WHY?

I’ve gotten attention from it. Good attention, bad attention, it’s really never mattered. It fed the little self-esteem I had. I was 19 when I began counselling, and I changed from one turning my pain into something good in my 20’s to…keeping the focus on my pain in my 40’s. Nothing else. 'Why not girls? Success? Anything else? I’ve RARELY given such attention to other things. I rarely felt good enough to even pursue such things. But also, I knew pursuing the others was lying to myself. I didn’t want those things.

I sound like a certified narcissist.

Shit. Damn. I’ve done it to keep me a needy victim in other people’s eyes. “Poor me” allowed me to avoid growing up. I was able to feel and act young (or immature) around others. I used it whether alone or with others. It’s been my “default” setting. Oh poor me (needy eyes, low self-esteem, no direction and vulnerable to other’s wants and needs).

I wrestled imagining sharing this today. I felt like such a phony here. I was disgusted with everything I’ve done. I imagined coming and deleting a bunch of recent posts.

I wonder “what is growth…for me?” I just don’t know at this moment.

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#563

What DO you want? I’m having a bit of trouble with that myself. I’m trying to figure out what I do want in life rather than just figuring out about all the stuff I don’t. That might come later in the dragon ride, but definitely worth thinking about.

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#564

What I’ve wanted for so long I’ve been achieving. It’s been to feel like a small boy while acting like I’ve grown around others. And going right along with that has been a motivation to hide from others, hide from situations and people reminding me that I should change.

I wrote that, then stepped back. My mom lived the exact same way. Fucked up beliefs and thinking she was helpless to change from it. I’m not sure…but maybe. Ok. When I thought of my mom, I felt like that little boy. And I also felt that devotion to her as only a child might feel. I thought “she is my life”, so I protected and modeled her. As long as she was safe, I believed I was doing a good job. However, she never acknowledged this. I wanted to be “known” by her, which is why when I receive attention from others, there’s always some disappointment since that space is never filled.

@COWolfe, I’m seeking something that I’ve simultaneously buried year after year. I wanted my mom’s attention and love. And even as I write, an anger surfaces. Where was she? I believed I wasn’t loveable.

This isn’t over. I was open this morning. I’ve got to get ready for work now though.

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#565

Listening to LDU2 right now. I read @Tomcat’s reply in the v2 upgrade thread about it resolving a old problem of his, so I’m using it now. I listened to 2 loops of ElixerU last night with DR sandwiched in between, and I felt safe enough to be myself more today. I drove alone today, and there were tears early on while listening to music, with anger later. My super seemed to keep calling me–and I have to stop to call him back. Asshole. I’ll talk to him tomorrow morning about it. For a super, that’s plain ignorant since using our phones while driving is a clear no with punitive measures enforced if caught.

Some might call what I’ve shared lately as recon, but I’ll disagree. If recon is seeing your shit in every waking moment, then recon only happens on healing subs. And that’s not true. I shared my shit so I’d look at it, exactly as I wrote, question it, feel what emotions were touched, and even observe my trained reactions. Writing it takes some power out it. Living in noncongruence with myself is also why I write. I ask “what IS the truth in this? What do I REALLY believe?” I don’t really think so orderly when doing it, it just feels releasing while owning it on digital paper.

It’s not easy, but I’ve spent a LOT of time on less powerful healing subs, and strangely enough, I welcome this. I’d rather find what’s really motivating me and pushing me–and end it, replace it, or maybe reframe it. I’ve really not wanted to deal with this shit without tools. I found some here, so that’s why I share here.

End of my defensive rant.

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#566

LDU did something in me. It popped me out of my resentful, stuck-on-self mode. I got up, made something to eat, and am going to take a shower now.

I’ve been coming home for weeks, and basically just lying down, writing here, then passing out. Dinner has not been regular for me lately, as I’ve felt too emotionally exhausted to even eat. I don’t like sleeping with a full stomach. That hurts.

I may do a second loop after showering.

#567

Listening to Rebirth Ultima v.1. Saint answered my question years back about subs that would handle the victim mentality, and this was his reply:

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#568

I’m with you there. I find that writing this stuff down in detail really helps me to solidify it in my mind and that seems to be instrumental in changing it.

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#569

That’s exactly how I process it too.

#570

Woke up early this morning. I’m listening to Love Bomb now. LB added on to DR has me wondering why I’ve not held on to it more. As if love has often seemed scary (it’d make me vulnerable around others). There’s a part of me which is trying to not feel that so strongly.

But I was touched by reading some Love Bomb experiences this morning. Since love’s always been “out there” somewhere, while listening now it’s drawing me in.

More specifically, I’ve used love as an avenue to take from people. Sad, but true, especially while married. A couple of years into marriage, and I felt we had this contractual relationship vs. anything loving. I do this, you do that, and we’ll call it good enough. It felt like cold, uncaring business to me.

Strangely enough, I’m enjoying owning my part here now. Sure she had issues and shortcomings. We both did. I’m realizing as much as I wasn’t giving, neither was she. I was in this marriage group when I was chasing her during our separation, and I learned that all women will naturally and automatically respond when love is given. No woman can resist being loved. When I was loving her those years, she welcomed and trusted me more than at any time during the previous 7 years (I pursued her for 3 years. 10 years married). She chose to leave, and I found peace in letting her make her decision. I’d actually had time to grow myself, and I learned that a woman will respond to being loved.

I mentioned all that since LB puts me in a giving role. This makes me feel good about myself. Giving is so rewarding. Humbling too. It takes my focus off of only myself. It’s preferable.

And I’ve been wondering about future custom mixes. I’m seeing Ultima cores in Q customs now. Makes me go…hmmm.

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#571

Feeling some mental recon this morning. Doing LoveBomb recently stirred up old limits and fears, so this morning I listened to Elixer v2.

I’m in that spot where I’m feeling stuff, and it’s connecting to deeper stuff. It’s old shame. I’m on the edge of crying. I’ve just always hid this, mostly from myself. I’m gonna head out to work. I might run Sanguine.

#572

I know DR can be tough. I felt this way for about 2 months. I just hung in there and now I’m getting the reward of a big healing.

Sounds like a wise idea.

I hope you feel better soon.

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#573

No effing idea why, but I’ve been angrier lately. This is my first rest day, so it’s maybe normal recon due to execution.

I’m seeing things negatively today, but when I realized recon is good (since my norms are being challenged), it gave me hope. It’s often hardest right before a breakthrough.

I’ve actually pulled back from writing since I’m seeing myself whining a lot in my head. Some good change is going on down deep.

This line I’m writing now is changed. I was about to whine about my whining. I’m glad I’m seeing this. Things ARE getting better.

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#574

Good catch!

Yes! Good job on the self-awareness man!

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#575

Thank you @RVconsultant

I’ve got to share this. It’s a big realization, as I’ve seen it over and over again lately, and it came up while replying to RV.

I see that my enthusiasm drops when around men I know. My super, a few coworkers, and even the thought of talking to my brothers depresses me quickly.

I had the same reaction replying to RV, and I see why. When I was growing up, I learned it was easier to pass all my authority to my brothers. We were all clamoring for attention (no father around), I’d leaned on them heavily, but learned I got shot down or dismissed quickly if I challenged their ideas. Giving in seemed to work when young, but going into puberty and female relationships, I was so clueless. Like I’m still doing now at work, I’ve dismissed my own power and authority so it’d be easier for everyone.

When I imagined speaking to RV, I felt that miserable feeling of resignation: “I’ve got to give my power away again”

Isolating makes sense.
I do the same with women. It’s obvious why I’m seeing noone.
My anger presently makes sense. Every frickin place I go, I shit on myself. Why in God’s name would I want to be around people? I’m the sucker in the room DEPENDENT upon your approval. It hurts, and it’s actually starting to piss me off

Let DR keep digging! This has affected me my whole life!

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#576

You are starting to sound like a different person.

Months ago, I think you were feeling more sad and tearful.

Now you are more determined, maybe even angry because you are sick of the shit in your head.

#577

Yes. It stings when people here grow, and I see myself going in circles.

And for a number of months, I’ve seen men standing up for themselves and others, and I sat there trying to sense “why are they doing this?” I felt like a spineless wimp around adults, ashamed and not seeing an answer.

I’ve been touching the reasons as to why lately with DR, little by little. I’d not have seen it had I not been journaling this.

And your comment,

It’s true. I’ve set this same set of low expectations here, and I’ve even done it at work. One veteran manager told me this months back. When he saw me when I first came there, he said he didn’t think I’d make it. He was almost apologetic.

@remarkable said we do things since we get something out of it. He’s correct.

I got special treatment at times.
I pushed away high expectations of me.
I avoided failing by not even trying.
And I’ve held on to this, even today.

I felt some consequences this morning, being dissed by a female manager. And I created this. This, along with seeing connections as to why, is starting to piss me off. I don’t get the “take full responsibility for yourself” mentality yet, but my shit’s becoming more and more uncomfortable. This encourages change. And I’m grateful for that.

2 Likes
#578

You are definitely growing!

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#579

I’m noticing something. I’m listening to LDU2 currently.

I’ve started making a list of modules for my St2 build, and I’ve been re-reading module descriptions since I’m changing and have had different focuses each week.

I read I AM’s description, and it says “You will also stop defining yourself by your past, present or future, and become able to live in the moment in the fullest expression of you.”

I realize when I focus on the old me, it depresses me. I lived in chains then, so why am I looking back? I’m wishing to answer some questions for myself, yet this morning an anger is growing at this habit of mine.

What have I done when fearful? I’ve looked for some old mental reprieve mostly, and I’ve very rarely tried to change what I can in the present.

This is not working for me anymore. I came here to ask “what can I do?” but my mind is already seeing possible solutions. I’m desiring to change and not be stuck. It looks like LDU pushed some stuff out of the way.

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#580

I listened to Executive this last hour. I was looking for a mental shift. I stepped into one.

I’ve been reading and watching financial articles and videos this morning, and I began thinking of growth periods in the last 4 years. I used to regularly play the Cashflow board game each weekend for hours with 2 friends, but the one who initiated it has stopped all traffic into his house. His wife, a healthy woman, has been utterly paranoid of contagion, so we haven’t met since COVID came about.

And I chose to play it online for 2 games. I played solo, and I really loved being reimmersed in it. I have to face many of my common demons playing that: avoiding risk, choosing to go forward or be idle; many normal life challenges pop up. It feels good walking up to a fear and pushing it aside. I take this game seriously, but it’s a game, and I learn more from failing than anything else. Fear is bullshit in this game.

Something else I love about the game is that it mandates a strategy. I start small, build and buy assets, and use them to turn into long term cashflow. In contrast, I’m used to holding on to thoughts and possible actions a lot IRL. The social blocks I’m starting to be much more aware of. I’m not seeing everything, but I notice my attention is on some things I’ve avoided.

I’m going to play some more.

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#581

Instead of playing a game why don’t you start doing it in real life?

What is stopping you?

Ok, it is possible you don’t know what to do, after all, the game teaches you to buy assets and not spunk your money away on shit but doesn’t teach you how to buy assets in real life.

Every time you get paid immediately save some. It doesn’t matter where, in a piggy bank, under the mattress or in a bank a/c but you save it and only live on the remainder. If the remainder is not enough you simply go hungry or miss a car payment or something.

After a few pay periods start using some of this saved money to ACTUALLY BUY ASSETS. Your bank will have some sort of all market mutual fund they sell, and obviously it won’t be a particularly good investment but you have to start somewhere and at least this gets you taking action.

Playing the game any more is simply going to be a waste of your time and quite frankly you would be better doing a few hours of overtime to boost your pay instead.