Raphael AKA The Word Ninja
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Haha I like that one. Thank you.
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That’s huge. Another one you might want to observe is fear of success.
What happens if you become really successful?
Maybe the people you are close to will envy you, try to pull you back down. Maybe they just want to use you.
OR maybe you don’t want to be in any contact with them anymore.
These are also beliefs that might keep you down, even if you don’t realize it yet.
But, I believe DR will help deal with those too.
Just wondering if you have “encountered” those obstacles yet.
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Personally, I’ve found fear of success and fear of failure to be very close cousins. They depend on each other, and worse yet, one will defend the other since their fears are truth to them. Personally, it’s a mindfuck for me, so I don’t think on it much. Feed fear and it grows, but when I feed freedom thoughts, they grow too.
Before DR, yes I’ve encountered them and am still adjusting my ideas of success. Almost 2 years back I was on a financial subliminal sold by someone else, and I began thinking on both what some people were like, but more importantly, how I’d prefer to respond. I still think on these things daily since old negative social messages come up, and (for example) those I work around really don’t get the idea of great wealth. The norm of working for hourly wages week to week is completely different from those owning large amounts of wealth. Building, giving back, and shielding wealth from predators are completely different thinking processes.
And I’m still finding what I want to do and be. DR is presently eroding my faulty “all or nothing” walls I’ve held up to people, and it feels really good. People may assume “oh, he’s nice–he’s a pushover”. No. Having wealth means being responsible with it. It means having boundaries. And since DR is still replacing old thinking patterns, I’m reevaluating my stances. Many were not something I felt good about.
I am a work in progress.
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I will reword this, and this makes all the difference:
Making decisions–without believing I’ve failed already–is very, very, VERY new for me.
@subliminalguy, how does Inner Circle in tandem with Transcendental Connection sound to you? I recall you mentioning this combination quite a few times.
Sorry Hermit. That wasn’t me. I have neither in my custom, and I don’t remember ever speaking of them in other’s journals as well.
Regarding Inner Circle, DR is removing some fears, so that module (or sub) may open in the future 
. The same with TC–feeling empathic with others around me.
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I just watched a movie I’ve seen 4 or 5 times. A big-city doctor is driving through states to rendezvous with her 5 year boyfriend for a weekend escape, and is pulled over for speeding. The small town she’s stopped in has the local judge sentence her to 3 days community service since she’s a doctor. The judge, essentially the town’s leader, is the town’s doctor as well. He pulls her in to basically see if she’d be willing to take on this role since he discloses to her that he’s got cancer, and has told noone else. It’s a heart-warming story.
While watching it, my stomach twisted some. Like tears wanted to drop freely, but—something scared me. Letting these tears fall meant…that some things may be left behind. I allowed this stomach twisting, but I finally let go. The whole movie’s plot was about how she was being invited to let go of her normal city life and values and allow her heart to blossom. She softened, and so did I.
I wondered while watching it "do I want to do this myself (let go of old baggage and beliefs)? Part of me fought, the fearful part, and I still sit with these questions.
Old ways:
Holding old emotion inside
Keeping away from people, caring people too
Insulating myself living alone
Basically just demotivating myself by imagining failure in any pursuit
New ways (I’m going to make these up, as I don’t look for them regularly)
Being open with my expressions and emotions (holding this in hurts)
Believing someone actually believes in me
Believing in myself–this is missing in my life
Believing I’m loveable
Loving someone else
Feeling complete, yet choosing to spend time with others
Letting go of old cemented ways and beliefs
Allowing others to see me fully–no pretenses
Allowing the separation of my past from my current reality
Knowing happiness is possible
Having faith in small miracles and maybe big ones
Learning to trust vs. fear when unknown possibilities surface
Listening for God’s whispers to me
That stomach tightening happened while writing those last sentences.
I desire the latter. I’m heading that way.
BTW, after realizing her city life was not what she really wanted and her fiance was not who she really loved, she returned to the small town since she’d fallen for an intelligent gentleman country boy. This happened when she listened to her heart.
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DR St1
Day 12
One loop while writing
I must be still adjusting to all of what DR is doing. I came here fearful of being myself because I felt weak, uncertain, sad, and then old patterns showed themselves.
I thought about my mom. She was a lifelong alcoholic, and she hid from her emotions using it. While on Ascension (late 2018 and 2019), I remember the anger and pain I felt over her learned helplessness. That same helplessness I learned and practiced myself, year after year, though much time was spent in recovery rooms (counselors and 12 step groups). I still only knew learned helplessness, and my circle was small.
I feel that old helplessness this morning. I used victim strategies to garner attention, and I always felt worse doing that, which is why I didn’t write first this morning. I read other people’s journals, commented on one, and I asked “what about me?” When I write, I see and admit things I’m avoiding.
One is me hiding my emotions. I said my mom did it with alcohol. Me? I’ve used coffee. I even got up to use the bathroom, and can taste it in my mind already. But using liquid courage hurts me first. I come here a little anesthetized, but it’s hurting me when I’m feeling something. No coffee yet.
So, my short story is I’m a little scared, but I’m feeling it. This is me at the moment. DR stopped 10 minutes ago, and I’ll keep my eyes open for changes in me today.
Edit: I was thankful to myself for sharing that openly. Most times I don’t like writing about my mom since … ouch…I thought she failed me. An old grudge still exists in me. I wanted to love her. I was afraid to.
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This is all too freaking relatable brother. The fact that we fear that we’re going to fail, as much as we consciously tell ourself that we’ll be successful in whatever we’re doing, we still fear it subconsciously and there’s that nagging that comes with it. I feel the same way and you’ve opened my eyes to my fear.
Mourning losses before I ever even try.
That line hit me deep man. Jesus.
We’ve got this dude.
—-
Also, I feel like I’ve just read it somewhere in one of your posts on this journal and now I can’t find it to quote but regardless if you did or not post it, just a reminder:
Don’t ever feel fearful about being truthful and honest on here and the comparison between others journal’s and that you’re not allowed to be honest/truthful.
We’ve got you brother, we support you 100%. We’re a Sibling-Hood, not just of The Dragons but even in general…we’re a family. We back you my man!
Edit: It was kind of in the last post…but I’m sure I’ve picked up other things from different posts in this last bit…gah.
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Thank you Brandon. That encourages me that I’m not alone.
And…just to let you know, I felt fearful before I began writing this response. I think DR is peeling off the shield from my heart, and I’m aware of it when letting stuff out.
One day at a time
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Always my man, I got chuuu.
Again, I relate. DR is doing the same to me and working with me to release everything. Truly magical stuff so far.
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My mother was like this, and it took me a long time to realize that she acted like this because she was terrified of powerful men. Once I realized that, I could shift my thinking about it, realize that she’s just a weak little girl trying to bluff away the monster, and not feel emasculated anymore. Nowadays I have trouble not laughing at her for this kind of behavior.
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I used to do the same thing. And when I realized I was doing this, it took a long time to even come close to reducing it a little bit.
Elixir & Regeneration has helped reduce this drastically for me and I am sure that Dragon Reborn will complete it. For you too, my friend.
And am thankful for your sharing this too
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How right this is. It always feels rewarding to let go of the things that burden us. Speaking out feels like a subliminal by itself
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Listening to a 3rd loop now. I listened to my 2nd while at work, but I was cold and wet, as it rained in the morning. Nothing hit me, but I was constantly distracted.
Shit, I just wanted another loop. Nothing wrong with that.
Thanks for all your replies guys. I read them today will respond to each.
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My sister, ahh. Bluffing away monsters. I keep thinking I have to do something, say something, or she’ll belittle me until I “act like a man”. Fuck her.
I’m scared of a shaming here, but she texted me today, inviting me for dinner tonight. I’ve realized she resents men (came to my attention just days ago), and shit, I was afraid to say no. I did, but no, I didn’t. I knew I’d be working until around 630, and I told her. Tuesday too. I gave face that I’m willing Wednesday–and the me that woke up on Ascension is saying “WTF?!!” I act and think like a little boy (putting on a front) around her. Why wouldn’t I tell her? Am I afraid she couldn’t take it? Or that I couldn’t take it.
Fuck, a trauma truth. I’ve known this for decades in my gut, but in No More Mr. Nice Guy, he says nice guys’ main motive for being nice is so they won’t be abandoned. And that’s why I say yes instead of “I really don’t like how you treat and talk bad about all men, me included”.
Just began writing–and realized I’m wanting to “talk around” this. Meaning blah blah, blah blah, and what’s more blah blah.
I’m afraid to lose her.
(heavy tears came when writing that. That’s my main fear)
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That is the most honest thing I’ve heard here lately, as I’ve lived and experienced the exact same thing. Thank you for being so courageous @Lion
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I agree. Me admitting I was afraid to lose my sister hit deep with me, and yes, it needed to be expelled. Still crying as I write.
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