SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#51

I feel you bro. I’ve felt the same way since forever, and at times I still do. But you know? As long as you work to improve your personal power and agency (which you clearly are since you are here on this forum) … What @Davisnwc mentioned here is inevitable, and you will eventually be the person you felt that you needed :slight_smile:

I also feel that what @Fractal_Explorer mentioned in RVC’s thread regarding “past healing subs to be destabilizing” to be true, and I think that it’s worth keeping in mind during ST1-2… makes it easier to endure the chaos inner turmoil while you are preparing yourself to be put together again during ST3:

What are your thoughts/feelings about that?

And do you have any previous experience of DR? I have a vague memory that you’ve mentioned it, but I might just be confused atm :sweat_smile:

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#52

I like that. Thanks Davis

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#53

No problem man.

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#54

Yeah, @Athanaxos, I did DR St1 in Q and Qv2 last year, and Qv2 had a lot more recon. I did it maybe 3 months, but I’ve not looked at my actual time (from my old DR journal). I didn’t have a plan or goal at the time. I just liked the ride.

Just so I don’t rush it (or force it), I’m planning on 3 months of each stage now.

And I’ve been on other emotional healing subliminals from different vendors. DR is strong, but its approach is much easier to handle than some I’ve used before. The effects I’ve written of lately excited me some, for one simple reason–this stuff’s barely been touched by other healing subliminals. When I know I’m carrying a secret from myself, and a tool (ANY tool) pokes at it, that astounds me. I’m like “Hey guys!! Check THIS out!” And healing is rarely like that. But it digging up stuff I know’s never been touched before excites me.

Because my silent shit still stinks. I’m the one carrying it, and I’m getting tired of the stench.

2 Likes
#55

March 16, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
First rest day

Constant changes. I am inspired still.

I had words with my department coworker yesterday morning since his mood was crap and I suspected condescension. It bothered me all day and I had a few of those mental confrontations where I was telling him to f off, etc.

I got back into the yard at the end of the day, and saw he was back himself. I planned on ignoring him, and not talking with him again like I’d done that morning. F him. I was pissed with all this drama I’d been running in my head.

When I saw him in our office space doing paperwork, I was still fuming. His first words were, unexpectantly, understanding. Within seconds, I decided I needed to get off my own high horse and drop my defensiveness. What ensued shocks me. It was a very honest and noncombative interaction.

He admitted he was in a very bad mood that morning, even apologizing to others throughout the day. In truth, I didn’t and don’t want to be guarded and defensive around others all day. I willingly changed my stance too so we could mend our relational tears, and it worked.

When I get out of my own way, peace can result. It did yesterday. It makes work much more inviting this morning.

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#56

March 17, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

Man, DR and LB began really showing themselves today. I noticed this in the afternoon because different feelings and realizations were popping up. But I want to summarize my day with one realization that came in the afternoon.

I had been making deliveries all day, and I initiated a number of conversations with customers. I talked with one man about 5 minutes (can’t remember what it was about). And something clicked this afternoon.

I’d been thinking of my general interactions with people I know, and even strangers. It pained me since I realized I often initiate conversations only when I want something. Some people I’ve avoided lately since I realized this.

But remembering my conversation with the customer today, I felt and saw something inside of me. I was talking to gain something. Me talking was me crying out (even with a smile on my face) pleading “PLEASE LOVE ME!” It’s why I’ve always enjoyed social jobs

Ever since I took that archetype test in the Emperor’s Lounge, I’ve been focused on building love in me. Love was my biggest weak point, and I need some. I’m building and buying a DR custom tonight, and I’ve got 2 love modules in it, and I’ll still stack it with LB. Here’s my sub:

DR1
Chosen
Divine Self Image
Deus
Foundation

Path of Forgiveness
Ares
Courage Reclaimed
Call of Honor
Depths of Love

Chosen of Venus
Growth Through Pain
Iron Frame
Pride Unbroken
Remembrance

Sanguine
Strength of Gentleness
New Beginnings
The Boundary
Eye of The Storm

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#57

March 19, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
1st rest day

I’m facing some fear of failing others or myself, like I’m fearing being rejected today–by others. This is touching old “nice guy” patterns, which is significant.

I’m gonna flip this. Am I afraid of others rejecting me–or am I afraid of rejecting myself?

It’s DEFINITELY the latter. I treat myself like shit, and it’s normal. Not what I’d like. It’s just familiar to me, and I hide a lot in familiarity. Which is definitely holding me back.

I’m not going to spin this out longer. I’m just being honest with myself.

Regarding rejecting myself, I’m grateful I put in Divine Self Image in my custom. I think Fire has been reading my posts in the past. Thank you @Fire

1 Like
#58

March 20, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

I’m wondering if I should listen tonight before heading to bed. I was in a thread, and @TheBoxingScientist said he does that. I’m wondering how it’ll feel tomorrow, if anything is happening tomorrow. That’s a major influencer to doing it at daytime–seeing immediate results.

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#59

I’ve felt kind of lost today, meaning there’s so much I’m leaving behind while using DR. Some major stuff, but predominantly stuff that I don’t think about much at all. What hits me is an awareness that I can change, and I’m very aware of my choices. The unhealthy part of me rises up and says “MINE! NOT CHANGING!”, and part of me shuts down, completely avoiding the conflict. It’s an old reaction from childhood.

I remember when Saint warned us about the loss of identity when we started on Kahn Total Breakdown. Personally, I don’t remember that heavily, but I did have glimpses of it. Now, on DR, this is showing up a lot, in multiple settings. One girl looked at me today, but inwardly I felt unconfident. I realized my return look at her was my old standard of seeking her to be my strength. Uggghhh. Give me a codependent girl and we’ll both be… “fine”. Cough, cough.

It was me holding back my truth and not being true to what I truly want. I was like “look in my eyes. Don’t you want me? I don’t even want me, but I’ll hide it incessantly, acting like a needy child. I’ll even trade my power for your leadership.”

F***. That’s what I was thinking while growing up. Desiring anyone to lead. (maybe…LOVE me?!)

And that’s how I used to think. It’s a snail’s life, a life of denied unhappy dependency on others. I’m tired of driveling for love and attention. I am actively working on loving and respecting myself, and even that is NEW. DR and LB are both showing up today, and part of me is relieved since I’m not taking an unfruitful path. I’m making some headway.

I was just really questioning my normal unhealthiness today.

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#60

March 20, 2022 (cont.)

I’m listening to DR and LB now before going to bed. I usually listen in the morning. This is an experiment to see how results show tomorrow.

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#61

March 21, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
DR and LB last night, AC this morning (to not overload)

I had some different experiences today. The biggest one happened just before leaving work. Something’s still cooking, as I’m slightly aware of it still.

We have only 2 women who work in the offices of my workplace. I was clocking out and sharing details with the administrative assistant since she documents our times and duties when needed. I made a comment, and it wasn’t planned nor embarrassing. I simply said,

“I don’t want to fight with you”, in a joking manner, but inside me I truly meant it.

Something inside me had taken over for the good. I was tired, and I’ve often shut down when around the women so I don’t make subtle but rude remarks to them. Like I’ve made statements that showed them I’m not good to like or desire. More specifically, that I’m afraid to be loved by a woman.

I don’t want to do that. What is cooking in me is some change which is doing the opposite of me “keeping myself safe” by keeping them away. Right when I said that to her, I felt my self-sabotage surface, and it was instantly battled in my subconscious mind, bordering on consciousness. That’s what I felt, and I’ve NEVER had this happen before.

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#62

That’s awesome. It’s a great feeling when the new mind starts telling the old mind to shut the hell up.
Congratulations on the development! :grin:

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#63

That’s it in a nutshell. Something in my being stood up and said “No, we’re not doing that anymore” It definitely took over

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#64

March 22, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

How do I do this?

I don’t know yet.

I realized today that I’ve been putting up shields, keeping people away. I was showering tonight, and I realized I’ve depended on my shields to keep people at a distance, so I’ll not get hurt.

It clicked when I got a facial reaction from a guy I know, as I wasn’t being real. I played a role. I wasn’t being me. I’ve done this a long time.

But a short while later I got a visual in my head. I saw myself with guards down, being real with someone. It’s like it was in an unreal world for me. But…I saw myself showing some vulnerability.

I miss me. Being real.

But I’ve got fear and sadness hanging on to me presently. I look for my “safe norm” of being…phony. I’ve been doing that, even depending on it.

That question keeps ringing in my ears–how do I do this?

This may sound like bullshit, but this is a good situation to be in. I believe DR, maybe LB too, are picking at my “safe norms”, revealing where truth lies. I need some. I crave it, with some safety.

I’m also planning on listening before bed tomorrow night. These last 2 days were very active, following my first PM listening experience

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#65

My custom arrived. I’ll be listening to that tonight.

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#66

March 24, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Listened to one loop of my custom last night

I did my first listen of my St.1 custom last night. I had a long day, so I wasn’t fully relaxed while listening. But something is working upstairs presently. Sharing honestly, I’m tired, and could easily drift back into sleep now. My old standard was to slip into feeling sorry for myself when I wanted something but couldn’t get what I wanted.

That powerless mentality feels like it’s being challenged. Cool. That’s Courage Reclaimed. Thanks for this one @Fire.

Something DR has been working on are my mental templates and beliefs when around other guys. My old standard when around other males was to return to a childish mentality. I still do this. But it’s all because of a fear of being hurt. I was working a community yesterday, and multiple groups of workers were putting in underground electrical wires. I first resorted to being cool and distant. I felt this sadness due to my own imposed distance, and trusted the inner urge to open myself up, cautiously.

I’m not reporting major outward manifestations. What I am reporting is a nudging to change, to open myself up some, to see that all males don’t represent pain and abuse. There’s still work going on (I’m crying now), but that’s a new experience for me.

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#67

Thank you for sharing! :relaxed::pray::muscle:

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#68

Thanks @Athanaxos

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#69

With women it’s happening too.

I just read an email from a female crypto miner I know. She’s got stage 4 cancer, and I offered some help with her and her teenage son. Her email said she was going back for chemo soon, and at the end of her email she wrote “ILY”. I honestly had to sit on that a moment. She’s really vulnerable. I want to encourage her.

And our female driver returned 2 days back after being out for 6 months. I was talking to her yesterday morning. What I noticed, standing there with 25 other drivers, was she kept touching me. I’m touched internally since I have choices of keeping walls up–I just don’t like that personal misery as much anymore.

When it rains, it pours. Emotional change and challenge is looming

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#70

Wow that’s tough. And I have nothing but respect for you for streching out a helping hand.

Now, I know it’s not really my place and Stage 4 Cancer is not to fuck around with but… perhaps… some of it or at least the chemo side effects could be alleviated with a hyper nourishment plan… I’m talking DR Brooke Goldner. It has helped others deal with serious illness, and it might help her too… if not entirely then at least to some extent. And when every other option is exhausted… It’s worth a look.

Well now, isn’t that just wonderful? :slight_smile:

1 Like