Thanks @Davisnwc.
Yeah, my whole mindset seems contrary to how I normally am. And Emperor hasn’t even started yet.
Chances are that you’re not who you think you are and might’ve never been. It’s that way for most ppl, we’re either programmed to be certain ways via daily living or try to adapt by adopting a persona which turns out to be a personality full of mental and emotional defense mechanisms. Ten years ago I was exactly that but I can tell by going through your journal that you’re waking up. I’d like to see how you progress on emperor.
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I gotta say–that’s encouraging AF!
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Yeah…oh yeah. That’s my reality, or has been.
Then you’ll get to know, enhance, and eventually downright love the person you evolve into. Speaking from personal experience of course. You’re on the right track.
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I opened up an old thread constantly showing up in my suggested threads list, and this one was from 2020. I connected with the user’s need to push through his old mindset. In fact, I felt right in step with his choices, just going forward, and accepting his changes. It was a very mature mindset.
What’s worth mentioning is this was @Saiyan4Blue’s Libertine Ultima thread. Sexual choices and desires are something I’ve pulled away from for, well, forever. Why? Fear. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of rejection.
And something I remembered about PS (one of his other subs used) was losing one’s fear of rejection. That’s what kept me reading.
I have no thoughts or plans of using PS at this time, but damn, losing the fear of rejection draws me in.
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Emperor and DR are working together now. I just opened up an organization’s email which sends news updates throughout the day. I usually open them up and kind of force myself to be accepting and sometimes bothered by all kinds of related social and political drama. News plays on my emotions, mostly when stories are personal.
I just shut it down. I’ve got more important stuff to do. I didn’t give it much thought at all.
I’m actually getting ready to go out and do my normal stuff. I’d been lying down, but Emperor puts me out there, getting me up and encouraging me. Cool.
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The lack of fear of rejection is a great state of being
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May 10, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day
I’m uncomfortable now.
Yesterday I realized something, and it was very uncomfortable. I’m still repeating the dependent mentality, as it’s my old comfort zone. I came here to the forum and began seeing myself as unwanted by others. But paired with me being dependent on those same others really hurt.
I tried to break away from this mentally (working alone mostly). I was angry, but I had created–and am creating it. My old ways have brought me back to seeking others to soothe me. I’m faced with knowing I don’t have all the answers, and I’m unsure where to turn. I’d normally play the victim at that point–and that’s a lie to myself. Not working.
So, I just sat with that uncomfortableness. I was looking for hope.
Within a half hour, I experienced something new. I was riding the back of our work truck, and of course, some neighbors are outside. I remember not waving, not looking with mixed motives (being friendly but actually seeking acceptance). I was detaching from old ways, and it relieved ME. That’s a first.
I’m taking this a day at a time. Living for everyone else’s acceptance hasn’t been working for me. I’ve denied it in numerable ways, and yesterday I couldn’t avoid it. This is good change, but uncomfortable as hell.
There’s a “me” in here. I’ve spent a lot of time ignoring him. And seeing that is relieving.
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May 11, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to DR custom, Elixir, and AC now.
Feeling uncomfortable, shamed, lots of things while writing–because I’m writing. I’m unsure…nah…I see it now.
I’ve been writing for eons trying to win other people’s love, deceitfully. I have, and DR has shaken me up recently. I know I’m writing now since I always felt comfort in trying to hand my emotions and problems away. It’s been my primary motive for writing. I’m unsure now if I’m wishing to share my truths honestly, giving myself some respect, or if I’m seeking support from others. I think it’s both. Shaming myself for old patterns has never soothed me. So, that’s why I’m writing. Old choices of “all or nothing/good or BAD” are more painful, so I’m doing something different. Seeking to bury this hurts me most.
I’ve wrestled with this internal message that I am bad. I had this showing yesterday at work, and I sense it now. I have no explanations really. DR’s been pushing out truths I’ve tried in vain to hide from myself. Me writing it isn’t handing it away at this moment. I’m trying (and resisting) to own it myself.
And I’ve never been here and faced it. I’ve had subs from other producers which recognized this and covered it over with feelings of success and self-worth. I’ve just never seen why I was doing it. DR and Elixir seem to be doing that.
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May 12, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st rest day
I woke up, considered writing, and felt a fear building up, along with the pain I usually create by resorting to dysfunctional reactions. I held on to this thought process, trying to understand why I keep doing this. I see something.
I realized I want and desire to be myself–and a fear rises up quickly, right along the desire. The fear takes precedence, and I end up putting on faces or being extravagant–to hide behind. In other words, I bullshit so I’m not really seen.
I believe some trauma’s been in place for ages, and hiding has been a normal reaction for me. Stage 2 should go into this. It kind of scares me.
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I’m also seeing something which keeps me repeating old mistakes. I reread my post above, I considered taking an action to expose more, but fear stood in my path, saying “NO!!”
My inner reaction was being spotty in my thinking long enough to NOT remember it. There was too much imagined pain there. I avoided it altogether. That pain made my decision.
What hit me before blipping it out of awareness was “this is why I don’t learn from my mistakes”. It keeps me in a fantasy world, stuck in immaturity. I know this is true here in my life.
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Bit by bit, you are stepping out of the “comfortable” fear box - and more importantly you are intact. 
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Thanks @Michel. I’m sitting here realizing I’m seeking a safe spot away from fears, and also seeing outside my normal fears simultaneously. It makes me not feel completely controlled by fear. Kind of a cool but weird spot.
Definitely beats feeling “stuck”.
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May 13, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day
I woke up and felt ok. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Been wondering why.
Simple. I most often default to other’s wants and desires, seeking validation and a sense of worth from outside. Hiding in bed is one way I can insist on getting what I want–and I saw something clear. By closing my eyes, I can keep my small world intact. Since I default to your desires (anyone’s) I avoid that by avoiding you. As soon as I got up for a cup of coffee, regular intrusions came in.
He wants this.
This boss needs that.
(All are a variation of “I’ve got to make someone happy with me today”)
All are habitual fears I’ve thought I didn’t have power over. In other words, the fears keep me from having my own life. I feel a loss of control.
What do I want? I’d like some control over my life, to make choices for me. I’m looking for the little ones.
Today I have some relief since I know I’ll be working alone today. That, for the most part, allows me time to go mentally where I want. I’ll have more choice over the fears which want to enter my mind.
Also…I realized the root while writing. I felt like I failed making my mother happy growing up. I’ve spent my life trying to soothe that wound. This is my root.
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May 14, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to DR custom and Elixir now
I see DR working in me this morning. As I considered writing for the last 10 minutes, I felt pained since I kept seeking out “normal, comfortable…SAFE” things to say.
And I’ve had this different voice pop up and say “What? No. I’m going to be me, ugly or not”
And that battle’s still going on.
I came here to be liked (by others), my old norm. My old fallback. Part of me just wanted to be liked since I’d done something unplanned, but a first with ZP. (I’m still looking for the me-too train to jump on…fear pushes that).
I listened to my titles in masked this morning, my first time with ZP. Updates are screwing with my windows pc, so I downloaded them onto my laptop, accidentally clicking on masked instead of ultrasonic, and my custom was in the standard masked, so I listened. Elixir is in Solace.
I’d like to say nothing’s happening (since that’s safe, untrue, and discloses absolutely nothing about myself), but I’m still uncomfortable trying to diss myself. It’s working on me ignoring me. Nobody else does this to me like I do. Yeah. It’s definitely working.
I almost ended this since, again, that’d be safe.
The root of this is avoiding my fear of abandonment. “If I’m palatable, nice, blah blah, people won’t abandon me”. There is more there. It’s working.
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May 15, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st rest day
I’m getting to a point I have never been with any healing endeavor I’ve ever done.
For decades now, I’ve felt some emotional and mental pain daily. I did today. And like most days in the past, I’ve used anything in my reach to avoid it. Just distracting myself…somehow…anyhow. In any way. That’s how I’ve coped. “Pain? What pain?” Daily denial was used.
But what’s significant is…I’ve felt ok with doing this. I knew I was avoiding it, and success meant I might not have to face it, if even for a few hours. Sleep, work, food, drinks, people, lack of people. ANYTHING for relief.
I just got off the Regeneration ZP discussion page, and I’m steadily becoming NOT ok with ignoring it. I don’t know if I’ve relied on that pain to keep me using my little coping mechanisms, but I do know I’ve avoided the pain of separation from this old and stable norm in my life–even though that norm was all pain. I’ve definitely avoided separating from it.
And I sat home today, watching a number of tear-jerking movies (I cried in every movie), making me realize I’m tired of punishing myself with daily pain.
I’m just on an unfamiliar edge of realizing I have the choice to get out of this. It’s regret mixed with hope mixed with courage.
I feel unqualified (?) talking about this due to my recent and not-so-recent past and the choices I’ve made. I’ve never been here.
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May 16, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day
I saw my ex yesterday since she was in town. She’s got a business conference in my state.
I’m writing first to share I was dreaming of our interaction yesterday.
Background: In 2006, I had a planned brain surgery to remove seizure triggers (which was successful), but the anesthesiologist goofed. I didn’t wake up for almost 2 weeks. I suffered a full stroke. I recovered fully over the next year. But I still remember the slow waking up I experienced.
My ex shared yesterday how during that recovery period, she went to her gynecologist, seeking to have her tubes tied. She was denied since I needed to agree and sign for it. But I wasn’t coherent much at that time. She gave up on it. She was miffed yesterday, blaming the ills of patriarchy.
And yesterday I was reading in @Saiyan4Blue’s journal about a woman he knew for a spell who was looking to dominate him. It touched something in me. I was raised by an unhappy, dominating woman–and she was afraid to be happy, I believe. As in, her misery was more predictable and powerful than any happiness. It was her lifestyle.
I’m seeing myself following the same pattern–I chose a woman of the same mentality. ----I’ll stop there, as this is NOT about her. It’s about me.
I hid in my pain.
I accepted it and the feeling of helplessness, using this guise to attract “saviors”.
I’ve always had my eyes and mind on some outside escape/distraction.
I put ALL power in someone else’s hands. This put responsibility on them.
I accepted feeling like a little boy, mostly as an adult. I was trying to avoid feeling responsible for old traumas.
I’ve even looked forward, sadly, with that same mindset. Small thinking = small living.
I can go on and on (and on).
I’m feeling the regret I spoke of recently. I’m also seeing my own part in my life’s creations.
And to wrap this post up, I’ll be at my ex’s all next week for my daughter’s high school graduation. Due to flight cancellations, I went from a 4 day visit to an 8 day visit.
Damn–this isn’t about her, again. I chose to feel miserable and controlled a lot while we were married. I can choose that. But I don’t have to. I don’t have to blame her or be her yes-man.
Lots of change is happening in me, even now.
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Powerful stuff in this last post, bro 
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Thank you @Lion. It’s felt good to purge and own my shit sometimes. It’s powerful enough that my regular mind will check me, as in “this isn’t MY reality”. I’m glad I put New Beginnings in there to soften the reality checks.
And good news. I’ll be beginning Stage 2 near the end of my time with my daughter and family. But realistically, I’ll probably just run Love Bomb and something light so I don’t do a personality switch on them. I’ve done it before, so I’m very wary of that.
I’m transitioning. I have no idea what “complete healing” is like
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