Then I went to get gas, seeing a girl I had eyed a while months back. I actually felt unconfident around her, for I’d put on a front with her months back, and I’ve not been holding these fronts up much lately.
Plus, I was still feeling relaxed from talking to the woman I wrote about above. I want a woman I can be myself around. Nice.
This also may be Depths of Love and Chosen of Venus emerging.
April 21, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day
I just read the new objectives for Love Bomb. I’m glad it was so clear since I desired to use it for healing purposes. It said it’s not the “easy” answer, just an aura-based attractant for others. I’d been wondering if I was missing something since I’ve been using Elixir.
But Elixir has had some profound influence lately. I’ll keep on using Elixir as my 2nd title since it’s making real changes.
Thanks for the push @Leandros 
April 21, 2022 (cont.)
Realized this evening I’d accidentally missed my loops this morning. That’s why I date my posts.
And I’ve been triggered a bit today. Even just now. I asked my miner 2-3 questions so we could move forward on a project–he replies, but doesn’t answer my questions. I told him I was pissed off all day, and my last words just now were “Fuck this”, closing down the messenger program
I also got really pissed (abnormally so) at my fucked up GPS today. I’m a mile away from my next stop, it shows me where it is, then changes suddenly when I get on the street. I screamed at it after missing my stop by a half mile.
Something’s being hit right now.
Edit: something I’m pissed at is that I’m fricken noticing me STILL seeking others to carry burdens for me. I’m feeling shame and anger since it’s been popping up slowly and even NOW, writing here feels like I’m hoping someone will come “pat my head and say everything will be alright”. Like I’m desiring to hide in the little boy mindset–and I’ve had blocks all day to that, thus the anger.
I watched a business webinar last week, and the presenter shared how “the worst thing in his life (being fired) was the best thing in his life”. He makes millions now and teaches others how to do likewise.
What is my “worst thing”?
April 22, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to DR Custom and Elixir now
I couldn’t sleep, so I’m listening now. I read some testimonials yesterday in the Insane Results thread, and some shared how they relaxed after listening to certain subs. I’m trying that now.
I’m not fully aware of my worst, but in the last hour, I was easily seeing solutions and possibilities in various areas, finances mostly.
When stuff hits the fan, solutions show up. That gives me hope
April 23, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
1st rest day
I’m losing that old battle to try to live up to supposed standards/expectations, and this is probably a good thing.
I haven’t wanted to write lately. Why? Because I’d look for things to draw attention, hoping for acceptance and approval. In short, I’d come here with a front on. “I’m good. I’m great!”
Doing that is the last thing I’d have confidence to do in real life, so I’ll try to skip the bullshit and be honest.
No traumas or crisis going on. I’ve actually been home all day, mostly sitting or lying in my bed, trying to relax. In fact, the sub must be processing something, as I’ve desired to know my dreams (while sleeping). However, I’ve not been tired. When I’ve looked at my dreaming thoughts, I instantly relax. In contrast, I’m desiring a financial scenario (I actually pulled a loan today for this)–but I can’t (?) relax, even though the financial move is actually happening.
Maybe…yeah. Maybe it’s because I’ve kept everyone out of my business mostly, but with childish intentions. My main motivations have been a fear of being criticized or rejected for being me, and even imagining it happening. That keeps my mouth shut when sharing who I am and what I think about.
And while writing that, I thought of a family member who rejected me. Some traumas are still being worked on.
Yeah, that’s why I’ve not written much. It’s like part of me is actively letting go of traumas while my conscious mind is trying to make the puzzle fit–and neither are finished. That’s likely why I haven’t relaxed lately.
April 25, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to my custom DR and Ascension Chamber now
I’m having a victory. It’s one I’m allowing, and it brought me to tears.
I came here this morning in an age-old mindset of just saying things that matched others’ expectations. That’s been what I’ve done my whole life. Just looking good, in line with others’ expectations, based on the hope “will you love me?” Who I was was always secondary to me not wanting to possibly lose others’ love.
And something clicked this morning. I’m not sure what. I’m just feeling different, in a very good way.
I think the tears signified a change in me, moving away from that old belief. I’m excited and emotional right now.
Holy shit. I’ve held to that standard with gritted teeth all my life, and it’s something I’ve relied on, using it to sabotage various goals I’ve had. “I couldn’t do that…” or “that’s NOT gonna happen” (said internally mostly). Money, women, friends, commitments, EVERYTHING.
My victory is me gaining some independence. Feeling like I CAN make different choices in life, independent of others’ approval—I’ve looked for others’ approval my whole life.
I think I saw it when I decided to run AC instead of Elixir this morning. I needed to feel up this morning instead of bogged in recovery stuff. That’s where my growth showed up.
It’s a good morning.
April 26, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
First rest day
I’m writing since I want to know what’s on my mind. DR is bringing on a change, and my conscious mind is trying to avoid it–so I’m writing it out.
I just was reading a thread that’s been here a few months, and I was missing something while I read it. Something in me is crying out, not from old pain, but present pain. I was reading, and my thoughts began getting louder: “come ON. SHARE YOUR REA L THOUGHTS!” Endless fact disclosure is not what’s healed me when I’ve written. It’s part of it, but it’s definitely not everything. I’m an emotional guy, and I pick up when someone’s being genuine. I’m realizing…I keep rejecting that in myself.
What bothered me was this: I wanted someone to share what I’ve been afraid to share.
I wanted someone else to be vulnerable since I felt I couldn’t (I’ve believed that a long time). I’ve even used that as reason to hide out.
I’m uncomfortable now that I’ve aired it. The logical side of me is rationalizing what works, but the kid in me is holding on to his reigns and steering this ship. He wants to feel safe, hide out, not be known, be invisible. Just not be hurt again.
This is what’s motivating me presently.
Edit: I did listen to Elixir last night when I got home.
April 26, 2022 (cont.)
I had something happen midday. I was talking to an older woman while I was delivering something. Some old feeling popped up, and I then said something that killed the feel-good of the conversation.
She’d come out in a thin gown (she’d been swimming, she told me), so I’d not seen her as a motherly figure. My mind had gotten curious–but I was shifted by her cold responses.
Here’s what happened. I’ve been feeling young mentally, and I unconsciously put her in a mother role. I was suddenly 6 years old, standing in front of my mother. My mom never gave me messages that I was loved and wanted, and with me thinking like a 6-year-old, I believed I was to be rejected, so I made an age-related comment, which killed the safety I’d brought in originally. Its intent was for her to reject me–since all moms are going to do that anyway, right? ouch.
And seconds later, I realized me fearing others’ rejection was directly tied to my mother rejecting my love constantly. That trauma has stuck with me in every single relationship of any kind I’ve ever sought out. Makes sense why I live hermit-like. Living hermit-like is painful though.
This is hard to know and accept. I’d almost pulled over while driving to share this here. I did weep some while driving after. Wept some while writing this.
DR and Elixir are moving in on my main insecurities.
Damn, that hit me reading this. I think I have some sort of variation of this with women I date. I go for unavailable women who don’t or can’t validate me just like my childhood was.
Lol, damn. Thanks for sharing this and good job realizing all that today, quite a major insight huh!
Thank you Geoff. I’m grateful I’m not alone here.
What’s weird is I wasn’t even thinking about, looking for, or digging on anything related to this. The wound has been open since childhood, and I just acted out my beliefs of mother figures. I’ve had some shocking realizations this week. Like, suddenly seeing the obvious stuff I act out or avoid in life.
Strangely, I’m not overwhelmed by it. I’m seeing and realizing some of the very obvious truths I avoid since they’re linked to my past.
I had to check myself on this truth. DR has really been stirring my thoughts and emotions, for my good.
ummmmm… I’m just realizing I’ve been trying to hold on to old survival habits–which is mainly avoiding thoughts of my past. The lack of overwhelm is because DR seems to frame old memories like there’s something good in there, making me want to explore. Some remembrances may be painful, but I’ve found it very minimal compared to what my eyes and heart are being opened to see. It’s like I’m looking for keys to a chest filled with valuables, and one popped up today.
Those valuables are parts of me I’ve disowned.
April 27, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day
I seriously pulled myself back from posting this, as its root caused me some pain today.
I got in a mindset at work where I was trying to earn love. The pain was from being corrected privately on it–I feared I lost love and acceptance from someone I (or the little boy in me) have tried to be … loveable…around.
I thought of something after this imagined rejection. I was anxious, causing me to seek confirmation that I was loved. What I realized after the fact is …am I bound to dismiss others’ blatant acceptance of me, thus keeping me anxious and desparate to secure it? Even when it’s already been given? Probably so. My belief systems direct me, and even from a distance, I can tell my running beliefs are “I’m not loveable”.
That’s what’s on my mind. Like life made a target of my soft spot, and hit it.
Lastly, I feared sharing that since my motive with coworkers today was “hide what you’re really seeking from others (which is love), but do anything to gain it”. It is deception. I felt terrified to do that here as well, since lying once demands more lying to keep the truth hidden. ummm…that’s how I’ve lived my life since I was a boy. I was so aware of this today.
I’m still anxious. And sad. This pain is recycling in my mind.
April 28, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to DR custom and Elixir
Having trouble sleeping, so I’m listening now.
Something came to me, and I’m having trouble writing about it (actually, taking responsibility for it).
Yesterday, I wanted anyone’s and everyone’s love. I felt scared and desperate. What came to me was “I can love myself”. This is embarrassing to admit, but that’s not how I’ve lived my whole life. I’ve put it in other people’s hands–since it worked when younger. As I’ve gone on with DR, I’ve considered how arrogant and demanding that is on others. I’m serious. I put myself in this “I might not get what I want, and I’m leaning on everyone besides me”. Yeah, it sounds more arrogant as I go on. Even entitled.
I think I’m trying to relive some experience I had when younger. I am. Well, the young kid’s been doing that, and I’ve allowed it. Acting, talking, and feeling immature has had its benefits (it worked well teaching kids for 10 years), but it’s not something I can be proud of as I grow. This mentality is not meant for growth. It’s like it was made to park somewhere and not change.
In contrast, DR has this masculinity scripting, and it’s egging me on to saddle up to my responsibilities. I’m reminded of Ascension since it is the same message. And kicking the shitty thinking out of the way helps me feel confident moving forward.
As I wrote this out, it was much less hypothetical. I’m feeling that masculinity, power, and confidence now. DR is definitely on the move.
April 30, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
I listened to my DR custom and Elixir last night. I considered Emperor vs. Elixir, then Ascension…but chose to use Elixir. I was a mess of feelings and didn’t want to self-sabotage what was happening.
Where am I now? What’s happening to me?
I’m close to a breakthrough. I don’t think I’ve been eyeing that specifically. But changes are pushing through, which makes me write.
It’s been a battle these last few days since DR keeps showing me how I’ll normally hide from being responsible…for my feelings, from choices I’m making day by day, all of it. It’s this new belief that’s exciting, terrifying, and…inconvenient. Like I’d normally shirk this stuff. And now the masculinity scripting is encouraging me to own my shit, act like a responsible man, and live like a responsible human being.
This would normally be stuff I’d use a mask for around others. I’d pretend this stuff. But not lately. It takes TOO much work to look for the “easy” way out (it’s a royal mind fuck to lie to myself).
Where I’m heading towards (uncomfortably at times) is that life doesn’t have to be so hard. It ain’t easy. But dodging and diving from personal responsibilities is a game I’ve never won much from. Part of me is still trying to fight.
There seems to be some connection to me submitting to this. Like…trusting it. More like trusting myself. That would be a major change in me when I allow this.
April 30, 2022 (cont.)
Oww. Wow. Real life.
Got an email from the female miner I’ve known for a few years now. She was very sweet and endearing. And what came up in me is uncomfortable, for me.
I’m so used to seeing women like I’m a spoiled kid. Like I just want to throw MY responsibilities on them…WHAT?? Like they’re shit soaker-uppers. That’s not a relationship. That’s relational tyranny.
Wow–this thought just came up–that I could love myself. When I’ve done that, women are really attracted to me relationally. I’m just seeing that when I read that email this morning, the spoiled kid in me wanted to run the show–so I didn’t reply. It’s this same thinking that keeps me from dating. Since I know that thinking brings pain on everybody. I’ve not wanted to act like or be that person.
That’s also my “owww” since I don’t know how to grow a healthy relationship yet. Not today. I’ve just been afraid to.
Emotions rising tell me I’m feeling that push to trust myself once again.
Yesterday, I wanted anyone’s and everyone’s love. I felt scared and desperate. What came to me was “I can love myself”.
That is a promising development my man. And you will eventually love yourself so hard it is obvious to anyone.
I’m so damn soft this morning @Michel. I began weeping loudly as soon as I read your reply.
Gotta be at work in 45 minutes. Thank god I’m running solo today.
April 30, 2022 (cont.)
I’m very emotional now. Just watched a movie about an abused girl healing with a horse, and truths started coming up in my mind. I cried most of the movie. I’ve hidden this from myself hard for decades, and DR is allowing it to surface.
I’ve felt so responsible for my mom’s actions and attitudes towards me. Guilt is one thing I’ve felt constantly–and my addictive behaviors are all about making it go away. My dive into spirituality and religion were all aimed at freeing myself from this. I found some good there–but the deep guilt’s remained.
I wanted to be loved by my mom, I thought I failed, and damn damn damn, I’d make it up if I could. Like there’s a part of me that feels tainted. Marked. Guilty. I always thought it was my fault. I still believe that.
I wish I could be free of this. And me living in a fantasy world most of my life is due to that persistent guilt and self-blame. I was trying to hide from it. Will I ever be free from this?
A realization: This is my PTSD.