[Stacked] Q up the emperor for Stark reality


#1

I have the good fortune to be joining the EmperorQ test. I’ve been on it for a day now, and I’ve probably gotten five or six loops in. I did one last night through my bone conduction headphones, three during sleep through bedphones after three loops of dream. (I didn’t have any dreams, but I’m not sure that bedphones actually put out the ultrasonic portion of the track, so it may be that) And three of alternating masked and ultrasonic directly through my IPod speakers while I took a nap to transition from being awake on my day off to being awake during the night for my work week.
I’m currently running another masked loop on my bone conduction headphones at work, and plan to keep doing that for most of my twelve hour shift.
I was stacking Emperor with Primal Seduction and a few stack modules and getting some pretty great results for only three weeks in, but for at least a week I will be seeing what this does to me on it’s own. After that I may or may not go back to my old stack and just sub out EmperorQ for E4, or perhaps do something else. I will continue to use True Social for 2-3 loops a day when I get up, because I’m getting good early results with it, and I think that one of the things that’s getting in the way of me reaching one of my major life goals is a lack of deeper social skills. As in I have trouble connecting with people on more than a surface level quickly. Therefore, while they don’t usually dislike me, and they may hold some respect for me, they don’t necessarily like me enough to grant me the professional opportunities, relationships, and networking that I’m looking for. I have been an introvert all my life, and while it’s ok to be an introvert, it has not yielded the life I want so far.
My current goals for which I am using subs for the next year or so are:

  • Get my family out of financial trouble and to a stable place. We’ve been in financial trouble for the last couple of years partly due to three major medical issues striking us back to back, and partly due to some financial irresponsibility when we were younger. This has been an extraordinarily solution resistant problem. With the help of another company’s subs, we had some strokes of luck that allowed us keep our head above water, and I’ve been able to come up with solutions to problems that bordered on the miraculous. Unfortunately there have been some equally off the wall strokes of bad luck that have prevented us from pulling enough equity out of our home to solve the problem. This has happened several times. The last one was a few months ago when my wife lost her job a couple of days before we had it all done.

  • Get my career back on track. I have had a major many year long struggle getting into my chosen career field. When I got there, I self sabotaged (I’m quite sure that that’s what happened) during the extensive on the job training phase. My problem getting hired was usually with the very formulated interviews that are used in that line of work. I now suspect that I was giving right answers all along, but was failing to project the right image, and also to connect with panel members on a personal level. In other words, I was coming off as both nervous and stiff and robotic. Hopefully EmperorQ and True Social can help me with this.
    I believe the real problem I had with OJT was that I had exceeded the level of success that my self image would allow, so I subconsciously sabotaged myself back to the level it could deal with. I think that this sub, or some of the others you sell could help with this problem in the future as well.

  • Improve my sex and social life.

So far, I’m sure this thing is doing something, but I can’t put my finger on what. I definitely feel that “something is happening feeling when it’s running though. I woke up this morning full of energy, but after my pre work nap, I felt exhausted and was moving extremely slow. I notice that I have more relaxed confident body language, and maybe a bit more of a spring in my step.


#2

Welcome @COWolfe :blush:

EmperorQ will immensely help you with this. You will be that cool, social, charismatic man in no time. Just remember to take action. Those can be little things, important is only to take the first step to bring you out there. You cannot become a social alpha while laying on the couch and not even seeing the sun every day (not saying that you do so).

The new recommendation is that you might get better results if you are not listening while sleeping: Experimental Listening Pattern. Personally, since not running subliminals overnight, my sleep improved and I get more vivid dreams.

I am excited to read your journal and see how it goes for you. All the best!


#3

Both yesterday and today I woke up feeling like hand hammered horse crap. I felt exhausted, depressed, stressed out and was obsessing on the problems we’re facing. I was also kind of doubting that this sub was going to work for me.
I was focusing a lot of frustration at my wife for not being more proactive about finding a new job. (In my head, not at her directly). In part I think I’m being unfair because of her condition, but on the other hand, she knows our situation as well as I do, and knows how urgent this is for our family.
I felt better by the time I went downstairs.
So far, I’ve noticed that my movements are a bit more relaxed than they were on my last stack, and I walk more powerfully. I mean I have a spring in my step, but it’s more like a strong drive forward than the kind you get when you’re just happy.
I was thinking that I was running too many loops last night at work because about halfway through my twelve hour shift, I was feeling really restless. It was a physical feeling that I didn’t want to hold still, an inability to focus on any of the forms of entertainment that keep me awake on a job that involves many hours of doing nothing, and a strong frustration with my current job and life circumstances. It was a very uncomfortable feeling. At the time, I thought that it was a negative effect of the sub, but as I thought about it during my drive to work today, I realized that it was my subconscious calling me to take action on the circumstances that I don’t like. I’ve been feeling trapped in a job that paid well but is about 90% sitting there talking to no one and doing nothing other than fighting sleep. The thing is that the trap is of my own devising and has a whole lot to do with lacking confidence about being able to get back into the field that I want to be in. I tell myself that I can’t risk my paycheck by trying an OJT program that I might fail again, its too risky. This is just fear of failure talking. The truth is that I’ve done a whole lot to solve the problems I had before.
I am not thinking about women as much as I was when I had Primal Seduction in the mix, but when a I have contact with an attractive one, I’m bantering (I suppose I’m flirting) every time, it happens kind of on autopilot now, and it’s genuinely fun, not something I’m forcing myself to do to reach a goal. It just happened, and I still have a smile on my face.
I suppose a big part of what’s frustrating me at the moment is that I have to spend so much time working that I can’t focus on going through a hiring process or developing a social life. Some patience is going to be required here.
In other news, I feel some pretty strong sensations that I associate with energy moving around while this thing is running.


#4

Another thing I forgot to mention. I was talking to my Dad on the phone this evening, and he said something that could have gotten me in trouble had anyone heard it. I was at work and we were on speaker phone so that was a distinct possibility. If not for that, I wouldn’t have cared. Dad says stuff typical of his generation sometimes, and it’s not my place to change that, nor could I if it was. However, since what he said could have lost me my job if anyone thought I’d said it, I said “Dad don’t say crap like that. I’m at work on speaker phone.” Apparently I said it with some authority because he abruptly stopped and ended the conversation as quickly as he could. I’m not sure if he was ticked off, abashed, shocked at me putting my foot down, or what. The surprising thing was that he ended the call rather than trying to re establish his dominance, which he would have throughout my life wether he was right or wrong. It used to be he HAD TO win every time we came into conflict. This is the first time I can remember him having a reaction even remotely like this. It’s also the first time it’s felt that natural to command someone to stop something. It just came out, and I felt the force behind it. Hard to explain. I’ve had plenty of experience telling people what to do working as a correctional officer for a decade, but it took effort (once again, hard to explain). This just came out like it was natural.


#5

I didn’t have nearly as much of a sub hangover when I woke up today as I had the last couple of days. I was tired but not exhausted, and my emotions were a lot more positive. I maybe felt a little down, but wasn’t feeling depressed, angry, and hopeless. I got up and moving a lot faster.
The day started with a good demonstration that both my behavior and my relationship with my wife have changed. I couldn’t find my IPod, which is what I run subs on when I was about to leave for work. I was sure I’d left it in a box on the night stand and plugged in when I’d gone to sleep this morning like I always do. When I woke up, the box was on the floor, and the IPod wasn’t there. I thought that my three year old had taken it and put it god knows where, so I blamed him.
It turned out that I’d left it in my work shirt, but I didn’t think of that until I got to work, and I had already been fairly harsh to the kid.
I called my wife and said that I owed our son a big apology. I might not have done that a while ago, for two reasons. First, I just generally REALLY didn’t like to admit that I was wrong. I felt that it was a threat to my manhood, or that showing that I was imperfect would lower my status or some bloody thing. Truth be told, there’s a good chance that I would have gone home in the morning and just said that I had found it in some obscure place. In order to save my image and ego. Unflattering but true.
The second reason is that my wife would have viciously laid into me both for forgetting where I put it, and for treating the kid unfairly with a liberal dose of pointing out every other character flaw she thinks I have. I wouldn’t hear the end of it for days at least.
This time, the first reason didn’t even occur to me. Apologizing was the right thing to do, so I did it. There was no real decision process, or hesitation. My ego didn’t feel threatened in the slightest. As to my wife’s reaction, I didn’t care. If she was going to react that way, she was, and I’d deal with it.
To my surprise, she didn’t react that way at all. She just said that it was understandable because I’d been working so much.
I was really surprised at the level of respect she showed there. I don’t know if that’s the result of her perceiving me as higher value, or her using QL, or both. I suspect that her anger issues are at least partly the result of her MS, and this might show that QL is repairing some of the damage.
When I looked into the mirror this morning, I saw something different. I saw a man not a boy. Now, it’s not that I don’t see myself as a man in most ways, at least I think I do. However, I have a baby face, and often get mistaken for at least a decade younger than I am. I tend to see myself as looking like a boy not a man. Maybe that meant I saw myself that way on some level. Apparently not anymore.
I don’t know if it’s just my perception, or if I’m holding my facial muscles differently, but it’s a huge difference, and it seemed to happen overnight.


#6

Every night I’ve run this sub there has been a period where I felt highly stressed out, frustrated, and somewhat hopeless. The thoughts that accompany it are that my current life situation is untenable. There’s an extreme drive to move things forward, but also a thought that that’s going to be impossible, and I have no clue how I’m going to do it anyway. I seem to have a fear in there somewhere that I’ve hit a dead end, and started getting my crap together too late.
This time I carefully analyzed the feeling itself, and it feels like there is a lot of energy building up in my chest and trying to go somewhere, but it’s running into some kind of barrier. Not comfortable, but it seems like something I have to go through. Perhaps this is my passion/emotional energy. I have cut myself off from most emotion for most of my life for reasons I’m not going to get into right now.


#7

I only had a little subliminal hang over effect this morning and got moving fairly quickly.
As I was getting ready for work, my wife made sure to tell me that she had applied for a few jobs. She’s done that every day for the last week or more. Some time after I got to work, it occurred to me. This is approval seeking behavior, and she’s been doing it since at least a couple of days after I started Emotional Erie V4. It’s increased since I switched. It seems like the type of approval seeking that one does for someone who they see as above them too. It’s kind of like she wants to make sure that the boss knows that she’s doing what he told her too. She seems really happy when I say that that’s good, and she also seems somewhat scared about me thinking that she’s not doing enough.
There has been a definite change in her estimation of our respective statutes.
Another sign of this is that she virtually does not show any anger at me anymore. She used to well, frankly, treat me like crap and go off on me for the smallest thing so bad that you’d think I’d spent the kid’s college fund on hookers and meth. That WAS decreasing before I started with subliminalclub, but since I started emperor it’s nil. The couple of times she’s had a bit of temper at me, she’s very quickly apologized “for her behavior”. In general, she’s gone from acting like I was far beneath her to acting like I’m at least a bit higher in status than she is, and like it’s at least in her best interest to keep me pleased.
When I got in to work, I noticed that there is now a kind of swagger to my walk. Actually I walked in like I owned the building. Then I initiated a conversation with each of my co workers. That’s a pretty big change. Never before have I been one to start talking to someone on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been outwardly shy in years, and I can talk to anyone, but I rarely am the one to start the conversation. Pretty huge even if it doesn’t sound like it.


#8

I had a deep realization. One of the things I’ve been using subs for is to help to get out of my current job and back to the career field I want to be in. I’ve had the opportunity to work that job twice, and both times I’ve failed the extensive on the job training program that is required in that job. Now, I’m working in a related field, and making good money but my job mostly consists of sitting alone at night and doing nothing. Now, this has given me the opportunity to run subs, think, and work on myself in various other ways. However it’s boring as Hell and unfulfilling.
What I realized is this. I manifested this. The first time I got the job I wanted and started to feel overwhelmed I kind of fantasied about going back to a job where I really didn’t have to do anything, was easy and peaceful. I put some emotion into it to even though it was the last thing in the world I consciously intended to do. It kind of fit with the subconscious image I had of myself at the time. Whatever the reason, a few years later I wind up with exactly what I remember yearning for.
Now that I know that it tells me one thing. Control my fantasies. If I can manifest myself into this, I can manifest myself out.


#9

Today was a very interesting day. I had to take a battery of psychological tests for a job I’m going for. This is the first time I’ve really been in a place where I’ve never been full of people I’ve never met since I’ve been on sub club subs. Since I’ve started this, I’ve pretty much just been working and sleeping and having brief interactions with my coworkers and family.
As soon as I got out of the car it really struck me that I was moving differently and felt different. My movements were more relaxed and fluid, even graceful, and I mean a LOT more than they’ve ever been. It’s hard to describe the feeling. It was relaxed, yes. Upbeat, yes. Masculine, yes. But there was more to it. I think that for the first time ever, I was comfortable in my own skin in public. I wasn’t consciously trying to project an image, I was sure that I WAS projecting the image I wanted to, but it was just plain me being me, and I am exactly who I want to be.
My interactions with strangers felt perfectly natural. I had a long, light and fun conversation with the receptionist who was cute. I didn’t take it to flirting, but actually had the impression that I could have.
What really struck me was how stiff and nervous the other guys sitting in the waiting room looked compared to me. I sat there very relaxed with open posture, and actually enjoyed myself. I was the stiff nervous guy a few months ago. Huge difference.
There were two tests. The first was a timed IQ test problem solving type of thing. I’ve taken it before, and I am quite sure that I did a lot better this time. And I did quite well before. Math still doesn’t seem to be my strong suit, but my brain seemed to be working a lot faster and more accurately.
The other was a personality inventory that I’ve taken multiple times before. It felt really different too.
My interview with the psychologist went well, and that was weird. A little while ago, I’d have seen this guy as “better than me” he was (I suppose) better looking than me, (square jaw and all that) obviously “more successful” (PHD psychologist anyway) and well on the surface the whole package that would have set off the Old me’s inferiority complex.
Not this time. I saw him as an equal at best, and I think I saw a cue or two that I can’t quite put my finger on that he wasn’t as confident as you would assume from looking at him. Weird. I actually saw myself as higher status than him on a visceral level.
Something else Ive been thinking about. Before, when I’ve done things to develop myself, I’ve gotten a sense of backpulling from my wife. Like it kind of freaked her out that I was changing and she tried (subconsciously) to stop me. That’s not happening on this one.


#10

We spent today shopping. I hate shopping. It’s not just that I find it annoying, it comes from having worked in the prison system for a decade, and I hate crowded environments that have people on all sides of me like some combat veterans hate fireworks displays. No, it’s not to the same level as what some vets go through, and what I’ve been through isn’t the same thing as being in battle. However, I’ve seen really bad things happen to people who didn’t watch their backs enough times that I’m hyper vigilant in any crowded environment. You won’t catch me, for instance, sitting with my back to the room in a restaurant, and you’ll usually find me with my back to a wall at a party. It’s even worse when my wife and kid are there because I feel compelled to watch their backs as well as my own. It’s bloody exhausting.
I am pleased to say that EmperorQ is one of two subs which I’ve found that takes the edge off of it. It doesn’t get rid of it, I didn’t get uncomfortable for a couple of hours when it’s usually pretty much instant.
There were more signs of a change in my relationship with my wife. She used to just start talking in the middle of my sentences and then get livid at me for “interrupting her” when I tried to finish them. Today, she started a word, stopped it, then apologized for interrupting me. That’s an absolute first.


#11

Not too much to report today. It’s my transition day from being awake during the day to another six days of working twelve hour nights.
When I got to work, I started to run my loops, and I was struck with a mental pressure to DO SOMETHING about our current financial situation. The problem is that I don’t have an idea about what I can do aside from continuing to work as much as I am to keep our heads above water. The only solution I’ve been able to come up with involves both of us having an income, and that obviously has to wait until my wife gets a job. I don’t know when or if that’s going to happen.
I am sure there is another solution, but I’ve yet to come up with any kind of idea that would lead us there. It will come when it does, but for now it sometimes results in the very uncomfortable feeling of being pushed but unable to go forward. It feels kind of like being pressed into a wall.
Another thing on this one. My sex drive seems to have evaporated. It’s weird because I have the distinct impression that if it came to it, it would be there in droves, but it’s almost never on the forefront of my mind. I do flirt pretty much automatically with most women I run into, and demonstrate a greater level of charm than I ever thought I could though. Maybe it’s something to keep horniness from distracting me from the interactions.
It’s not a bad thing at this point. My wife is rarely up for it because of some of her symptoms, and I don’t have time to find it elsewhere right now.


#12

I forgot to mention a couple of things in my last entry. Monday morning I had agreed to wake my wife up so she could do something, and I tried but she wouldn’t get up and got pretty hostile about it. So she slept until it was time for me to take my nap that allows me to stay awake through my first nightshift. We had a brief return to the bad old days where she blames me for everything that goes wrong and heaps verbal abuse on me for it. This used to happen all the time and has been decreasing for the past six months or so. In this case, we hadn’t been listening to our respective subs for three nights, so that might have something to do with it. I’m not sure if it’s that I’d not been listening to EmperorQ or she hadn’t been listening to QL st1 or both.
It didn’t last long though. When I got up this afternoon, she was back to the pleasing the boss behavior. She did everything she could to help me get ready for work, she told me that she really appreciated how much I’ve been working to support the family, and then, without any prompting she said that she’d get on searching for a job tonight. I could tell that she said it because she was afraid of “not living up to my standards” and she really wants to please me. I have not said one word to her about finding a job in weeks, but she keeps making sure that I know she’s trying.
It’s really interesting to track how she’s treated me over the past few years. I can really see how my self image effects how others treat me. When I felt like a piece of crap, she treated me like one. When I started to develop myself, she at first tried to kind of defend her dominance and bring me back down. Now that I’m really starting to see my own value, she’s eager to please. If there’s a problem now, I think that it stems from her being afraid that I’ll outgrow her.
On a different note, I got 11-12 hours of exposure last night and woke up without the physical exhaustion that I call sub hangover. I was a bit depressed and pessimistic for a short while after waking up, so I still have some reconciliation going on, but we’re getting there.
I’m trying an experiment for this week. Last night, I mentioned that my sex drive seems to have disappeared. I don’t like that, so I added in a couple of loops of PS. It was back when I woke up. This week, I’m running one two loops of EQ to one loop of PS.


#13

I remember dreaming yesterday. I usually either don’t dream or have no memory of it whatsoever, but this time I very clearly recall a short snippet. I was talking to two very attractive blonde women. One very young, and one eh, my age More or less. They were in a romantic relationship with each other, and I guess they were telling me how that happened. The older one said something like “I used to see her as a little sister, but that changed,”. The last thing I remember was a very close image of the younger one’s face. No clue on what if anything this might mean.
The other thing that I think bears mention tonight is that I don’t have the conscious future focus on these subs that I had on the last ones I was using, and I suspect that it’s a good thing. On them, I’d often get very intense waking daydreams of teaching the goals I’d set for myself. This is great for manifestation supposedly, but I think it might have triggered some fear that these things wouldn’t happen. My theory is that that actually sabotaged the manifestation. This may be what lead to repeatedly almost getting there and having Some weird thing derail it. With these, the goals are staying in the back of my mind, and I’m sure I’m moving toward them, but I seem to be more focused on the day to day.


#14

No sub hangover or negative thinking at all when I got up this afternoon.
-I’ve not had quite as much of a feeling that the sub is working for the last day or so, but that might be just because I’m more used to it, or that I’m just tired today. I was a bit worried that my body language was reverting to what it was before, but I fairly quickly realized that the new way of moving is starting to feel like it’s normal now, so I’m taking less note of it.

-My internal critic has fallen absolutely silent, and it used to be a mean mother too. I would cuss myself out for any little mistake I made or for things I did a long time ago all the time. I’d gotten some level of control over that on the other company’s subs, but this morning I realized that it’s completely gone, and has been for I don’t know how long.

-I was thinking about what I said yesterday was a lack of future focus, and I realized that while I’m not wildly visualizing stuff I want to have happen, I’m not worrying about it either. I actually have enough faith that the things that I need to have happen will happen that I don’t feel the need to think about it that much.

-Last night I applied for a job that would be really good for me, but I had hesitated to apply for because for a long time I’d convinced myself that I wouldn’t pass a certain part of the hiring process. I had been making a mountain out of a mole hill, and artificially limiting myself. This is the highest paying such agency in the state, so I’m going to go for it.

  • I got an interview for a job I applied for a long time ago. I’m feeling very optimistic about that too.

#15
  • I’ve been having a recurring daydream that I tend to have when I’m running a good subliminal and it’s doing something. It’s different each time, but the gist of it is being able to mentally go back to a much earlier point in my life with a good collection of subs. I think about what things would have been like if I had been able to make the mental changes I’m making now twenty years earlier. A bunch of scenarios play out. Different decisions I might have made, opportunities that were staring me in the face but I missed. It’s quite intense, almost like the memories are being kind of sort of changed so I have the benefit of the better experiences.

  • Question. Has anyone here had any results with Inner Circle? It occurs to me that a lot of people who have success with at least two of the goals I have are helped by being close with the right kind of people.
    Since making and maintaining social contacts has never been my strong suit, I wondered if that might be of help. Besides which, I’ve always been kind of a loaner, but thats never really made me happy.


#16
  • Adding PS back in has brought my sex drive back. With a vengeance.

  • This morning I woke up annoyed. I was taking a good look at the current circumstances of my life. I was able to see it without At the moment I am pulling all the weight for a household of three adults and a three year old. I don’t just mean I’m the only one making money, I mean that for the last two or three years I’ve been the only one doing all of the housework, yard work, solving keeping track of finances and trying to stop money Problems from blowing up on us, and just about anything else. Now that I’m working almost double, the housework just isn’t getting done. The place looks like a disaster area. With two adults at home, even with medical problems, that shouldn’t be the case.
    Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been frustrated about this for quite some time, but I’ve had trouble expressing it even to myself. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a problem with seeing myself as being right or having a legitimate complaint. At least I had a problem feeling that deep down and being secure about it. Oh, I’d argue a point to the death, but it was coming from a place of insecurity. I was angry and afraid of being beaten and dominated in an argument rather than actually being sure I was right.
    This time I looked at it and said “Holy Crap! I’m actually sure that my point of view is legitimate”. This is more of an amazing shift than it sounds, I promise. I had planned to calmly express this to the wife and roommate, but it was my son’s birthday, so we had a little celebration before I went to work.

  • As I left for work my wife once again told me how many jobs she’d applied for, then said “see? I’m trying” in a small voice and kind cringed. Not like she was afraid I’d hit her, more like she desperately wanted me to be pleased but was scared that I’d be disappointed.
    I felt kind of bad. She is definitely seeing me as her superior on a subconscious level, which was not my goal with this. It might be a good idea to add Ascension for women to her stack. I’ve never been into women who just grovel at my feet (not for more than short term fun anyway) and I’m quite sure she would never want to be that. Or maybe Seductress would be more fun.


#17
  • My body feels lighter. I’ve been noticing that for a while, since switching to EmperorQ actually, but I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just the result of having a good day. Physical actions that involve moving my weight just seem a lot easier, it’s like I’ve lost twenty pounds or twenty years. I’ve had a feeling that I’ve actually lost a bit of weight since starting E4, but I didn’t look at a scale when I started and haven’t since. The mirror isn’t really telling me. I used to see a fat tub of goo, but now I see a big muscular guy with a bit of a gut. I’m not sure if that’s physical changes, perceptual ones, or both.
    I have not been working out (I don’t have the time) or eating much differently.

  • I am less stressed about our financial situation. It’s bad, and for the last couple of years it’s seemed like I was trying to solve an insoluble problem. Every time I tried something, another problem came up and blocked the solution. Even on other subs, this caused me a great deal of stress. Now, when I think about the problems, I am sure there’s a solution and that I will find it in short order. When stress does start to rise, it’s short lived, and mild. It’s kind of like it’s being held down by a barrier that’s much stronger than it is.

  • The current virus crisis does not scare or really even annoy me. I am taking the proper precautions, and are set up pretty well if we have to stay in the house for a few months, but I really don’t envision anything horrible happening on a small or large scale.

  • I’m not getting much of a picture of how well the social aspects of these things are working. I am quite sure there have been improvements, and some show, but I have virtually no major social contact on a day to day basis because I’m working so much. Now that I’ve shown that PS returns my sex drive, I think I’ll take it back out. PS skills aren’t really likely to be of much use for the next few months anyway. At some point I might add in Inner Circle or Ascended Mogul.

  • For the last couple of days I’ve been using 2-3 loops of Dreams right before going to sleep because I’d like the insights that dreams can bring. So far no results. It feels like I’m going to dream as I go to sleep, but I just black out and wake up like usual. I’ll keep going on that one.


#18
  • I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t get those odd physical feelings that I get while I’m playing a new subliminal. I mostly experience these as small pulses of dizziness, but there are all kinds of other things that I experience from time to time. I suspect this is because the sub has penetrated the layer of my subconscious that argues with it initially, and it’s being accepted at a deeper level now.

  • I realized that it’s not just my body that feels lighter. My mind and emotions do too. I’m not as worried about things that could go wrong, and things going on around me aren’t scaring me at all even though they are scaring the crap out of a lot of the people around me.

  • I’ve been thinking about my career path a lot lately. I decided that I wanted to be in a certain profession in 2003, and I’ve been trying to get my foot into the door ever since. I’ve done a considerable amount of work in two closely related fields, but I had a great deal of trouble with the very formal type of interview they use in that field. I am aware now that this was low self image resulting in self sabotage.
    I actually managed to get hired twice by using another company’s sub to kind of force the issue.
    Both times, I did not pass the extensive on the job training program. Once again, this was my low self image re asserting itself after I’d challenged it by succeeding where it was trying to stop me.
    Since the last one, I’ve been bouncing between having kind of given up, and short bursts of determination. The problem is that the determination (I now realize) was coming from desperation stemming from an extreme fear of failure. This is the one thing in this life I’d really dedicated myself to, and failing at it was terrifying
    Now, I don’t feel the fear so much, though I still really want back in. It’s a gentler more positive feeling. I have faith that I can and will get there.
    I know what I’m going to do to help myself. I am going to save up for two custom subs. One for getting the job, and one for mastering it fast enough that I can hold on to it. They’ll need some pretty specific things in them that they probably won’t have modules for in Q so I’ll drop the cash for a true custom. I sent an email to support asking if this would be possible and didn’t get an answer. Who should I get ahold of about this? Any advice would be appreciated.

  • My wife once again told me how she had been looking for a job. This time there was almost a note of fearful begging to it. I haven’t shown any annoyance or disapproval about this issue in weeks. She seems so concerned about my approval that she’s scaring herself over my opinion. This shows how my value has increased in her eyes, but it’s kind of starting to disturb me.


#19
  • Yesterday was my day off for this week, and also my day off of subs. Since I work nights, I slept through half the day. I didn’t feel bad physically when I woke up. I often don’t. It’s kind of like I give my body permission to feel tired on my day off, and it holds it off until then. Still, I spent the beginning of the day feeling very grumpy and irritable. My wife was also quite irritable, and out of sorts. Before, even recently, this would be a recipe for a full day of major conflict between us. I would show irritation at something other than her, she’d jump on me for whatever I did. Sometimes I got mad at her the first time, sometimes it would take a bit, but she’d push buttons until there was a major argument.
    Not this time. She let me be irritable, and we didn’t have any conflict to speak of. That’s actually pretty huge. For years she has tended to take her bad moods out on me. It was bad enough for a while that I and several people who have witnessed it have said it was psychological abuse. For my part, when I was in a bad mood, I would get angry and fight back. I now realize (I hate to admit this) I was reacting like a teenager who is being chastised by his parents. This time, we avoided fighting and went on to have a fairly nice evening.

  • This morning, our son woke up early, but my wife didn’t. Normally, this would be ok, and I’d take care of things and allow her to sleep. However, she was still asleep by the time I had to be going back to bed for a few hours before my night shift. Obviously someone needed to be watching the kid. I insisted that she get up. She was a bit stubborn about it, but I kept (fairly politely) insisting that she do it. This is a change as well. Before, I would have stopped because I’d have been afraid of her reaction to what she’d perceive as me telling her what to do. And I’m pretty sure that she’d have had a major temper attack about it. I didn’t worry about it though, and she didn’t get mad.

  • As I was thinking about what to write, I analyzed the above two incidents. They show a couple of major shifts in how I think about myself, and I really started digging into the why. Why has my wife verbally abused me and generally treated me like crap frequently for many years? Because I allowed it. (I am not going to get into why she acted that way, her issues are beyond my control.) I allowed her to treat me this way because I saw her, and anyone who I was in a close relationship with as above me. I also saw myself as powerless to do anything about it, or at least as not having the right or standing to. Why? The short version is that when I was growing up and developing my sense of my place in the world, my parents were both messed up, angry, and needed to make themselves feel powerful. Unfortunately, the only way they could do that was to exercise power over me. That meant they had to win every conflict, no matter how big or small at all costs. I got my sense of my own power at a time when someone was showing me how powerless I was many times a day. Needless to say I developed a strong sense (though it wasn’t usually conscious) that I was the lesser person in any type of relationship I was in, and an impression that there was nothing I could do about being treated badly. I also found relationships that kind of mimicked the type of relationship I had with my parents.
    That sense has really changed in the past few weeks, and it shows in my wife’s reaction to me as well as in how I think and feel about myself. I am not as afraid to voice a complaint, tell someone what needs to be done, or handle mistreatment in a better way.

  • Since I have proven that adding PS to my stack brings back my sex drive, and that was all I needed to know, I am back to running EQ solo. It’s not really likely that I will be able to take any action on PS things for the next couple of months anyway. I may add in a few loops of the free Corona virus program tomorrow, I’m not sure yet.

  • I had a long talk with my Dad, and it really brought to light how much I’ve changed in the last I don’t quite know how long. He is the most negative and pessimistic person I’ve ever met (if that’s not literally true, it’s damned close). I modeled my thinking after his when I was a kid, and it extended well into my adulthood. But as I was talking to him about the virus crisis, I realized that I am MUCH more positive than I used to be. Now, this is not entirely the result of EQ, I’ve been changing that way for at least the last few years, but I think that a large amount of that change has happened on it.


#20
  • The guy who relieved me at work this morning called me sir several times during our change of shift conversation. That’s not normal for him, we’ve been working together for quite some time. There was a tone of respect to it even though I don’t outrank him. He also mentioned that he copies the way I do the work log and said a few other things that implied that he kind of admires how I do the job.
    He’s not a bad guy, but he’s a nervous type who talks all the time, and it hit me that he’s seeking my approval partly because he doesn’t think much of himself. He clearly sees me as “better than” him. I’m becoming better able to spot that. That might not be the kind of respect I want, but it’s better than being looked down upon.

  • I’m getting an increasing sense of frustration with many aspects of my life. Career, financial, relationships, lack of anything fun, a lot of crap. This is nothing new. I have felt for years that my life was nothing remotely resembling what I wanted it to be. This used to have a strong flavor of depression and despair, and now it doesn’t. I’m frustrated that I’ve been trying to push things forward for the last three years and it seems like the gears are stuck. I might even be a bit angry about it. But the depression and overriding sense of powerlessness is gone. This is the kind of frustration that is energy building to action even if it feels a bit rough right now. I got myself here by letting life happen to me for decades, I can get myself somewhere better by making life happen.