The sex mastery in this thing just kicked in on me, like hardcore. I don’t want to get too graphic here, so bear with me. The wife and I had an opportunity while the kid was asleep, and her symptoms weren’t getting in the way so we took it.
My arousal felt more intense than I can ever remember, and she got more physically aroused than she has in years really fast and with a lot less effort on my part than normal.
I felt more competent and coordinated during the act and she well… told me that thought so too. Also, I felt I was good for round two without a pause.
When I got to work, the guy I relieved kept talking to me, and told me several times how professional I am for a number of different things I do. This was a different guy from the one yesterday. It almost seemed like fawning behavior. Both of the co workers I’ve noticed that kind of thing from are… just kind of goofy in how they come off. I think that means that I am getting an increased level of respect from everyone, but it’s not as obvious from people who are better socially adjusted and more confident.
I need some advice here. My wife is on QL stage 1 partly to counteract MS symptoms. She listens during sleep, and she is not playing it every night anymore. She says that when she does, she feels extremely worn out and exhausted the next day. I am thinking that that is because it’s instructing her to repair her brain, and it’s trying. It’s hard on her because there is significant damage to repair. How should we adjust her listening pattern?
She eventually also admitted that she is concerned that it will improve her cognitive abilities enough that it will show the next time she takes the tests for that, and hurt her chances of getting disability (Yes, seriously). Not sure how to deal with that one.
- I started to write that I am now seeing all human relations in the context of a hierarchy. Some people are above others, and everyone has a level. Then I realized that I have always seen it that way.
What has changed for me is what aspect of it I am aware of, and perhaps my view of my place in it.
I used to be acutely aware of people who were “higher” than me. Depending on the time in my life, I probably saw most people as higher. I would be on some level afraid of them, didn’t feel like I could initiate contact with them, and was somewhat jealous of them. I either saw someone as higher/better than me, or on my level. I almost never saw anyone as below me.
This is probably typical of someone at the bottom of the social order. In ancient times, a “lower” person would have to be very cognizant of who was above him because offending or crossing them could be fatal.
Now, I see most people as being on my level, and I’m very aware of a few people who I see as below me.
Those two guys from the posts above are a good example. They are clearly trying to curry favor with me, and it makes me think that I’m higher on the pecking order than them. There is no urge to be cruel to them, or do anything about it at all, but it’s there.
This is common when you listen overnight. Listen during the day and cut back on the number of loops until she can tolerate it more.
When I got into work the sign in book was missing. I looked around for it, and didn’t find it. When I came back from asking the boss, it was lying there in plain sight. A while ago, I doubted myself a lot, and I would have thought that I had missed it lying there in the middle of the counter. I might even mentally berate myself for being stupid and un observant. This time though, I noticed one of my co workers was looking a little TOO innocent. This dude always looks like he’s up to something.
I laughingly called him on it, and he admitted that he’d had it all along.
This was kind of a silly incident, but it shows a couple of changes in me.
First off, I was able to figure out what happened instantly from the fact that I knew I’d looked there, and the atypical look on my co worker’s face. I didn’t second guess myself. Come to think of it, I’m second guessing myself a lot less in general, and I used to do that all the bloody time about everything.
Second, I mentioned it to him. I wouldn’t have done that. I would be too concerned about looking stupid if I was wrong or he made it look like I was wrong.
I had to call my Mother to ask for financial help. I was dreading this call. She’s been very helpful the last couple of years, but for the thirty nine before that she never missed an opportunity to call me a loser or otherwise degrade me every time I made a mistake. Hell, if I didn’t do anything wrong, she’d make something up and act like it was an indisputable fact. I’d guess that might be part of why I second guess myself so much. It was routine for me to know that I didn’t screw something up, but have her state with absolute certainly that I did and stick with it unshakably. I guess I started to doubt my own memory and sense of reality. Ok, that explains it.
Anyway, she didn’t do any of that while we talked about my fairly dire situation. She even said that anyone would be having trouble with all the stuff I’ve had to deal with, and that she respects me for dealing with it so well.
You could have knocked me over with a spaghetti noodle. I never in my life expected to hear the person who ran me down every day for well over thirty years say she respected me.
I had a very interesting interaction with a young woman today. She works at a shop that I’ve frequented for a few years. I’d always had an extended conversation with her when I’ve gone in there. She was always fun to talk to, had a good energy to her, and she’s quite cute.
Some time last year, she told me she was moving out of state with her husband. She was gone for a while, but when I walked in today she was back. I knew she had gotten divorced instantly on seeing her. That was odd, normally I’d have wondered what had happened. No, I just knew.
She confirmed it within a couple of seconds of conversation. Then she went on to tell me why. It was stiff that one wouldn’t normally share with a stranger. And the conversation got sexual. I didn’t try to guide it that way, maybe she did, but it went there. She even told me a couple of her relationship preferences, and that she watches porn. (Of all things that could come up). She kept REALLY strong eye contact with me the whole time, and may have given some body language cues. For my part, I don’t know if I was being flirtatious or not. Everything felt natural.
I just added in the COVID-19 sub. I’m running it one loop for every two of EQ. So far all I’ve noticed is that I’m sterilizing my work area a bit more often. I wasn’t very fearful to begin with, so no real change in feelings. I was taking prudent precautions before, I just seem to be tightening it up a bit.
I’m seeing the last few years while we’ve been having financial difficulties differently. I’ve kept our heads above water through a huge number of things going really wrong. Yeah, it sucked, but there aren’t many people who could have done it, and it would have left a lot as basket cases. I am mentally stronger and more emotionally stable than I’ve ever been even after that. I’m a badass. It just took me until now to really see it.
- As the night wears on, I’m having some very immersive daydreams. They’re re imaginings of things that happened. The theme is times that I’ve been treated badly in various relationships. I see myself reacting to the situations as I should have instead of how I did. It’s particularly focusing on my last ex (that one was a special kind of difficult to deal with) and the beginning of my relationship with my now wife.
There are several points in both relationships where if I had stood up for myself in the right way, I would be a lot better off, and my life might look quite different.
These daydreams cause almost as much emotion as if I had actually been there, and it feels pretty good when I do it “right.
I’ve been off work for the last two days, so I’ve been off of subs as well. It was a pretty rough weekend, and I didn’t react to it as well as I could have.
I got something in the mail which because of who it was from made me think that our financial situation was about to get a lot worse. I immediately went as close to freaking out as I have in a very long time. I have not had this level of physically felt stress or mental panic for a couple of years anyway. I was somewhat hostile with the wife, and that kind of set the tone for the weekend.
It turned out that it wasn’t nearly as bad as I’d thought, but I only found that out after I’d flipped my lid a bit.
The weekend was marred by conflict with my wife. The increased level of respect she has been showing me was not in evidence.
A little background here. For most of our seventeen years together, my wife has been borderline mentally abusive. She has a lot of anger and frustration, and (it seems to me) a need to feel superior to someone. She also HAS TO win every single conflict. She will escalate the smallest argument indefinitely no matter what my response is. Things have been getting better for the last year or so, but the last two days have been bad.
What she does is find anything that I did or didn’t do and act like it’s the worst thing in the world. For instance I left something out on the counter yesterday, and her reaction was better suited to someone who spent the kid’s college fund on hookers and meth.
For my part I had the same angry, defensive reaction I used to. I’m not sure if it’s coming from insecurity, or if I’m just kind of outraged that I’m doing all of the money making work, 90% of the housework, all of the yard work, and all of the problem solving work for four people and still getting a ration of crap for very small things.
This culminated in a very long drawn out argument last night. Neither of us would concede a point or give an inch. It was a complete waste of breath for both of us.
The good news is that though we were both frustrated, no one raised their voice or resorted to name calling.
The wife has quit using QL. Her rationale behind that is that if her cognitive skills improve, she might not be able to get disability. This means that she has given up on getting a job. This does not make me happy. IF she is able to get disability, it’s going to be nine months or more before we see money. We are likely not going to be in far worse trouble before that happens.
This morning the service behavior was back. When I got up she had filled up the car and was making my work lunch.
A lot more negative thinking was intruding this weekend than has been for quite a while.
I’ve not noticed anything that I can directly relate to the COVID 19 program.
I just read the product description for STARK. I’m tempted to switch. It aligns with all of my goals, and the image it’s supposed to portray is how I’ve always wanted to be seen. However I don’t want to mess up the test. I think I’ll purchase it tonight, and decide later when to switch.
This is most certainly reconciliation. If I had to guess, she has been noticing her cognitive abilities improve and that triggered a fear reaction, rationalized as “I won’t be able to get disability.” Not sure how you can explain that to her though.
Not trying to be a broken record, but reconciliation. Remember, it comes in waves and is generally cyclic.
Don’t give up on it. This is a title that will really kick in once there’s an actual danger. I’m running it as a preventative measure. Don’t wanna wait until we’re in the thick of things to start.
It’s that plus it was my idea and she resisted it at first. If it works, I was right. That seems to cause her a fear reaction of some kind as well. We have an…interesting…relationship. One I’m not sure I’d be in if I’d had this kind of thing available twenty years ago. I think I’m going to be focusing on myself a lot more from here on in.
As to my negative thinking, I think I just had a bad day.
- when I went in to work today, I had to go in a few minutes early to take care of something. I went without my gear I usually carry in, and I know I’ve mentioned changes to my body language before but it was especially pronounced today. I was standing up absolutely straight, I held my arms away from my body and they swung easily and naturally, and I walked with energy. This is flat amazing. I have had an issue with confident natural movements all of my life. I used to walk hunched over and pulled in. When I tried to fix it, as I did many times, I was stiff and looked robotic. I’m at least moving like the guy I want to be now.
When I got in, I noticed that my voice was louder, and I was being boisterous. I joked around with my co workers, and I even clapped my direct supervisor on the back while making some kind of smart ass remark.
Once again, this is HUGE. Friendly social interactions used to be very forced for me, I was just trying to be “normal”. Plus, I did not touch people. Not at all if I could help it. I really lacked the confidence.
In short, today really felt like a watershed day on the confidence front.
Where were these things 10 or 20 years ago? They’d have been useful.
I’m adding in Stark. I would say I couldn’t resist, but of course I could. I just didn’t want to once I’d read the description. The reason being that it should work more on my lack of sociability which I think has been a major sticking point in both my success and happiness in life.
I’ve always been quiet, aloof, and an introvert.
The thing is that I’ve never really been happy with that. I kept to myself as much because I was afraid to put myself out there as because I genuinely enjoyed solitude. While I am socially functional, I often find myself keeping to the outside of any group. I have missed out on opportunities in all aspects of my life because of my aloofness, and if I’m to get the most out of the rest of my life, I need to break out of my shell.
I will be running Stark and the COVID 19 program without EQ for the next week or so to see what it does. Then I will put EQ back in and continue the testing.
I’m about four loops in, and I’ve noticed a strong sense of energy pooling in my chest and torso area.
I’m getting a small sense of discomfort. It’s hard to describe but it’s not purely physical or mental. I think it’s reconciliation, and I think I know why it’s hitting me harder and faster on this program.
It’s challenging me to be more outgoing which, as I mentioned, I never have been. The quiet confidence and power I got from EQ wasn’t as big of a departure from my normal. sTARK is pushing me outside of my comfort zone and into completely new territory. Some part of my subconscious is saying “uh, are you sure you want me to do that?”.
This one could get interesting.
I’m into my third day of running SQ by itself. I’m not noticing that much at this point. I think that this one is pretty subtle. I had to really examine my thought patterns.
- I seem to be able to have a more objective look at my circumstances and accept the realities as they are. This is not in the context of giving up, but of figuring out where my starting point is so I can improve things. In other words I’m engaging in more strategic thinking rather than wishful or emotional thinking. I no longer think that I can wait for certain things to change. I need to accept that some of them won’t and figure out a way to get where I want to despite them. That’s not to say that some of them may not change, just that since change relies on things outside of my control, I can’t count on it.
Here are a few:
#1. I am on my own. I live with two other adults and a toddler, but both of the other adults have blanket medical excuses for not doing anything and that’s pretty much what they want to do. So not only am I on my own, but I’m on my own with four people worth of work and responsibility.
#2. My wife has given up. Rather than getting a job, she wants to wait and hope for disability. She is counting on me to make everything turn out OK until then.
#3. Help is not coming, or if it is, it’s not something I should count on. I need to plan to get us to a better place without a manifestation, stroke of luck, or piece of help from someone else. These things may happen, but I need to act as though they aren’t going to and find a way out of this anyway. I can only control my own actions and should only depend on myself. At least for now.
#4. There is a reason that previous subs that I’ve used to help solve this problem have been downright miraculous at manifesting what we needed to keep our heads above water, but I wasn’t able to manifest a more permanent solution to the problem with them. I’m not ENTIRELY sure of what that is, but it lies in my subconscious. Some of it may be coming from the wife’s subconscious. If so, I need to find a way around that because I can’t change it.
- It’s kind of frustrating. It’s very difficult to tell if the social aspects of this thing are working. I have virtually no social contact. The only test of this has been a brief encounter with the one woman who comes in on my shift. I joke around with her, and maybe flirt a little.
I made good eye contact with her, stood in a relaxed manner, and maintained good posture and all that. For her part, she joked back, and couldn’t seem to get enough of looking directly into my eyes. She’s off limits, of course, but I’m practicing. The only difference I noticed was that I broke eye contact by looking to the sides instead of down.
StarkQ feels a lot more subtle than EmperorQ. I sometimes wonder if it’s doing anything at all. It is of course, it’s just harder to see. I seem to be more internally focused these last few days though it’s more figuring out how to get where I want to be than navel gazing and asking why. Not that the whys and wherefores aren’t important at all, but I’m only interested in them if knowing helps to find a solution.
- I’m getting a strong sense of frustration about the condition of my life. I am simply not living the life I want to. The sense that I can’t live that life is dissipating. For most of my life I have had the attitude that I have to settle for what comes my way rather than being able to get what I want. I am starting to get a glimmer of a notion (I mean on a deep level) that I can go after what I want.
I’ve been frustrated about life for quite a while, but this time it’s different. It used to be more of a visceral anger/panic feeling. Now it’s more on an intellectual level. I still have a strong sense that things need to change, but I can now look at what is dissatisfying about each part of my life, why it is the way it is, and what I would like that part to be like. While I have not come up with any concrete plans on any of it yet, this is a first step.
The basic areas I would like to change are:
Financial. I’d like at the very least to get to a point where I am not worrying about if I’m not going to be able to pay the bills, have some money to do what we want, and some set aside. This does include buying a new home in a better area, and newer better vehicles. Still, I don’t have any real grandiose aims here.
Career. I have been trying to get into a public service career for a very long time. I’ve had issues with the structured type of interview they do in that field for years, but when I finally was hired I did an odd kind of self sabotage type of thing. I actually have a partial plan for this. A couple of months ago, I emailed support here about the possibility of getting a custom subliminal for the hiring process and the OJT phase specific to the line of work and to the issues I had. I have not received a reply, so I will have to follow up. I think that could be really useful.
Social life. I have no close friends in the local area to do things with. This is quite boring. I also really don’t have any kind of networking for professional reasons. I think both of these things stem from the fact that I haven’t been real social for almost my entire life.
Relationship. The relationship with my wife needs a touch up. A lot of this isn’t under my direct control, but I’ll do what I can.
Sex life. Our relationship is open, at my insistence since the beginning. I haven’t taken much advantage of that. I would like that to change, and I think it can, but that’ll have to wait until the virus goes away.
- I am pleased to report that Stark doesn’t have the libido killing effect on me that EQ did.
- I remember having a dream last night (this morning in my case). I don’t remember too many details, but then again I don’t usually remember dreaming at all.
There was some kind of major threat going on which would require me to shoot people (or monsters or zombies or something) to defend myself and my family. I was somewhat panicked because I didn’t think I had any ammo or magazines. I realized that I did have some, but when I found them, the mags were made of rubber and were difficult to get into my rifle. I didn’t think that was good, but thought I would make it work because I had to.