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I didn’t have a repeat of the severe stress on waking up this morning. I felt pretty good all the way to work.
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When I made it to work the person I was reliving walked off with a piece of equipment, so I had to call and have someone bring me another one. This isn’t the first time this had happened. This really isn’t a big deal. My supervisor said in a joking manner that this happens every shift. (It doesn’t).
This should not bother me, but it did, and that brought something to my attention.
I HATE any and all criticism. Especially if there’s any kind of validity to it. I didn’t say or do anything of course, but I was fumingly angry for quite a while, and somewhat concerned about being written up. There’s no chance of that happening, but that wasn’t my mental process.
I really don’t like having it pointed out when I am less than perfect.
That comes from having two hypercritical parents who mercilessly pointed out any flaw and made it seem like no matter how small was the worst thing in the world and an incontrovertible sign that I am completely useless. My school experience didn’t make things better.
I know what this means. My self image isn’t as rock solid as I thought it was. Normally this incident wouldn’t have lead to a wider realization, so maybe the sub is working on that as we speak. -
That made me realize something. I have always run subs for some kind of external result, and I have more or less gotten them. However, in order to keep improving my life, I am going to have to run one of the deeper, longer term ones. I am pretty set on running Khan at this point. I think I’ll either start around July 1 or the beginning the first of next year depending on how my employment situation and some other things shake out.
I took two days off listening. I had a feeling I was listening too much and not allowing enough time for processing.
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I have been crawling out of my skin with stress about a certain financial issue that we have that needs to be solved ASAP. It started the night before last, and went all the way through my time off subs, and may or may not be starting to back down now that I’m a few hours into listening again. On the good side, I did come up with a few solutions that might work and started taking action on them. Of course, the people I have to be talking to weren’t there, but I left messages. I don’t know if the stress is pushing me to action, or if it’s reconciliation, but it’s brutal.
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The sex Mastery in EmperorQ and StarkQ. Yeah. That works. I reduced my wife to a quivering bowl of jello twice in as many hours. I haven’t done that in quite a few years. I instinctively tried a couple of things that I wouldn’t have thought of before to great effect, and I had a much greater level of control over my finish.
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The stress started backing down about halfway through. It’s still there, but more manageable.
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An odd thing happened. I started smoking at eighteen. I switched to an e cig a few years ago, but remained a nicotine addict. Sometime tonight, I just decided I was done, and I suddenly had willpower that I’ve lacked for twenty four years. Granted, it’s just been a few hours, but I have a much easier time telling myself no, and I can actually conceive of being done with it.
I now understand one of the ways these things work on me.
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The stress I’ve been talking about kept building on me for the last week or so, and became pretty much constant and almost unbearable. The only time it backed down was when I attempted to take action on the problem that could really have blown up in my face. I found a way to acquire the money, and should have everything sorted out, plus did a few other things that will ease our financial situation. Today I feel a LOT better. I still feel an odd energy running through my body, but since it’s not connected to a major worry, it just feels like I’m energized, not stressed.
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After I did that, I came up with a priority list of things that I need to handle.
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The uncomfortable feeling was the “new me” that the subs are forming pushing me to take action on things that need attention. For too long I’ve been in “survival mode” and “just trying to keep our heads above water”. I had thought that this precluded me doing things to move forward. Now I see that I can still do things without waiting for circumstances to improve in ways I have no control over. I can’t for instance control when my wife is going to get a job. I need to find ways forward anyway.
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The nervousness pushed me to keep looking for a solution where I would normally “not be able to think of something” and give up. It’s brutal but quite effective.
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I have acquired the money to solve the problem that’s been bothering me for the last week or so. Matter of fact , I got considerably more than that. It seems to me that this sub is working on my habit of letting problems sit until they grow into bigger problems. This is due to me thinking that I had to wait for certain things to happen before I could do certain other things. The sub made me so uncomfortable with waiting that I went outside the box and found another way to get it done. I’m guessing that it’s going to keep doing that to push me forward. Seems that I sometimes need a boot to the ass to get me going.
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I feel about a thousand percent better tonight after I got that done. Calm, relaxed and somewhat proud of myself.
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For the last couple of days I seem to have let a lot of my frustration at my wife go. I expended a lot of energy mentally yelling at her to get off her ass and get a job so we could get out of financial trouble. Now I’m a lot more focused on what I’m doing to solve the problem, and other things which are entirely under my control.
- My latest episode may have given me an insight about how manifestation and such works for me, and why I seem to stay stuck in place. I seem to be able to save the day whenever something is about to go south in a big way, but I don’t seem to have nearly that much ability to get something good to happen when things are more stable.
While the energy I felt during this thing felt like nervousness and anxiety, I had a LOT of energy build up. It both spurred me to action, and I’m sure helped things work smoothly in other ways as well.
What I need to learn to do is build up as much excitement about achieving my goals as I do anxiety about bad things happening.
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I feel a lot more peaceful now. I’m currently in day two of my two days off this week. The problem is solved, the money got where it needs to go, and I feel that the sword of Damocles is off of us for the time being. I feel pretty good about continuing to move things forward from here.
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I showed up at work on what would normally be a work day only to learn that I was off that day. I wound up working that night anyway, so my next paycheck is going to be even bigger than usual. I’ll consider that a money manifestation.
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I have decided to run Khan starting in June. The 21st to be precise. At three months per stage, that will take a year, and the 21st is an auspicious time to start a breakdown. It fits perfectly with my personal mental/energetic cycle of the year. Hopefully we’ll have KhanQ by that time.
Well Well. Everything is Q now. This might change my battle plan for the next year. I might start Khan on May first rather than July first since the Q version will be out in a couple of days. I think I really need to do one of the tear down and rebuild type of subs if I’m going to get where I want to be with any kind of speed. The plan is to do it right with a full three months on each stage, especially the first, and get the maximum benefit out of it. That’ll take a year.
I think I’ll stack it with Mogul to keep me focused on career success. I’m not completely sure Mogul is the best fit since my career is in emergancy services not an office environment, but it’s the closest thing I could find.
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Last night and tonight I’ve been running the final version of EmperorQ and PSQ at a one to one ratio with a bit of Agis thrown in. I’m mostly doing that because I’m very curious about what the new PS will do for me. I’m just experimenting a bit before starting either Khan or EOG the first of next month. I’m in a bit of a quandary about that. My biggest problems at the moment are financial, but I have been holding off on moving every other aspect of my life forward until those were solved. I don’t know that having that exclusive focus has gotten me any better results in that area than a more rounded one would.
Normally I would say that EOG would be better for getting back into my career, which is my second goal, but social dominance is very important in that line of work, and something that they’re looking for. I think that what has hurt me in interviews before is not projecting it in interviews. Anyone have any advice? -
I didn’t feel much happening while I was running it last night, but I woke up with one hell of a sub hangover. Lethargic, slow, confused.
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I have been being very flirtatious and blatantly sexual with my wife. Also, my sex drive is noticeably higher already.
- This morning as I drove home from work, my mind felt incredibly clear. It’s hard to describe, but it felt like everything was operating at maximum efficiency and not being held back by any mental or emotional interference.
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One of the higher ups noticed I made a mistake yesterday as I was about to leave. Not long ago that would have stressed me out all day. Not this time. It was a minor thing, and I’m not worried about it.
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My libido is really on overdrive today. It doesn’t seem to happen when PSQ is playing, but it really seems to happen when I’m not listening to the sub. It’s getting to where I was in my late teens and early twenties.
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I say again, the Sex Mastery aspect of these things is amazing. Not to get too graphic here, but I got a physical reaction from my wife that I’ve never gotten before. Also the sex was a lot more enjoyable for me than ever. I just purchased SM, so we’ll see what happens when I play it during.
- One thing I forgot to mention. I have had absolutely zero interest in porn for the last three or four weeks. I’m not even thinking about it.
no updates bro?
Switched programs about then.