Soul Search - My first diary ever

[SoulFire]

I am getting closer and closer to self-realization.

More and more glimpses and insights happening daily.

Unfortunately for me, just yesterday I realized I will not be the one enjoying the state of enlightenment.

There is more depths and layers to my ego that will be completely erased when the big volcano of kundalini finally rises and unifies my whole being with the cosmos.

I clearly felt a glimpse of this overtaking of consciousness before bed and felt a little sadness and fear at the complete destruction I have to undergo to reach what is the true me beyond all conditionings.

The exciting part is that even though I had an awakening experience 16 years ago that lasted 2 weeks, and I’ve read many spiritual books since and held that memory dearly as a beacon guiding me to the light, what is coming my way now is far beyond what I experienced back then, this is going to be the complete union and fulfillment of a very long journey home throughout lifetimes on this planet, this is the golden lifetime.

Unlike what I thought,
Self-realization is not for me,
Dreams of bright future not,
I disappear in Self sea.

If I want to be free,
I have to feel deeply,
The pain inside me,
Open up my body.

[SoulFire]

Further breaking down and integration, my path is complex and full of confusing twists, I am looking forward to find stable peaceful ground in my true self to make sense of it all, at the moment, it’s all up for renewal, not much I can hold onto anymore.

[SoulFire]

I started running BDLM and RotNW at 1-2min each.

This is a fantastic combo, it opens energetic pathways to the sacral area which helps feeling more grounded and relaxed overall.

The sacral holds a lot of shame and guilt and has a link to the voice as well, so this combo helps me feel more comfortable in my own body by both grounding my energy as well as relaxing some of the bottom line shame and guilt which increases emotional flow and also opens my voice, making it more relaxed and deeper, which also contributes to overall body relaxation.

It also affects my mind by slowing down its rythm, as I can feel a lot of the mental energy is being redirected to the body, anchoring me more in the present moment overall.

I could also try LotS or Paragon for grounding since they are both physical subs, I wonder which one would be more appropriate to use for that purpose, which one would be less energy hungry to run. If anyone reads this feel free to share your opinion about this.

[Spartan]

Your stack is doing already what you want. You’re reconed. Stick to this.

[SoulFire]

Pardon my french but the only thing in recon here is my underwear

Which you think is heavier in terms of energy consumption LotS or Paragon?

Yeah this stack is good grounding but it’s very very hot in my pants and I also can’t afford to have a penis that doesn’t fit a human body, I haven’t had children yet, that’s why I think one of the other two I mentioned might be more appropriate for longer runs according to my objective of grounding mental energy in the body.

[SoulFire]

Big day tomorrow, I have first meeting with the state psychologist that will assess how bad I am and if I deserve mental help.

My application for mental health disability was already sent last week. But if it gets rejected because they need more documentation, getting a yes from the government state psychoexpert would be a guaranteed lock for disability status and a 2000eur/month payout.

A real shot at my dream life and infinite space time to do whatever I truly want to do, beyond system conditionings, a break off of survival mechanisms at a deep level, helping gain more clarity and connect even deeper to my own natural rythm and cosmic rythm, more aligned with my true spirit.

I’ve had ups and downs in consciousness but I’ve been more solid since I started working at the farm doing different types of heavy physical work, like wood work and digging.

I’m reaching a sort of equanimity plateau where I can accept more easily the perceived imperfections of my life at every moment thanks to an increased awareness that I’m also a bright being infinitely knowing and loving having a temporary experience of confusion and roleplaying.

Few days washout and I just ran 30min of Regeneration to trigger some emotional recon so I can share more easily what’s wrong with me with the guy tomorrow.

The more time passes the more healed I become so it’s getting harder to express my feelings verbally, there’s both less inner confusion but also much deeper rougher feelings.

Regeneration is very powerful for tapping directly into what hurts within and trigger heavy reflection, processing and release around it.

I also vaped some weed tonight to lower my vibration a bit for tomorrow. I’m hesitant if I should take a puff in the morning to really get in that intensely absorbed zone to feel it all or if I keep it in the chill zone and run another mini loop Regen just before.

2 loops back to back with same sub is very new to me, feels very intense but pleasurable.
I’m buzzing with the energy that the scripting unlocked, I’m looking forward to see how it unfolds tomorrow.

[SoulFire]

I just purchased Revelation of Spirit thanks to @Parsifal who mentioned it last week and I felt a strong interest in trying out this sub since.

I’m about to listen to it now, I’m very excited!

[Parsifal]

I’m still pondering if I should get it for next cycle or if I should run AoH one cycle for preparation.

I’d guess happiness helps a lot while on RoS.

I’m also considering getting RoS as a name embedded with Spiritual Reality Alignment and then run it for three cycles.

[SoulFire]

My first impressions is it feels very light, and unlike every other sub I tried I actually have no idea what it does because I don’t feel or notice any specific change in my perceptions, apart from a very subtle lightness and openness in my mental space that I noticed when talking to someone earlier.

Which makes me very curious in how this is going to unfold, it’s the first time ever that I don’t get a first impression with a sub, I always feel the subs right away after the first loop and understand how it’s affecting me and going to change me.

[SoulFire]

It’s difficult to describe the changes that are happening within me since starting RoS.

There’s a lot of them, they seem elusive while also being very solid.

I can clearly feel a stronger connection to the divine within/above, which influences all my perceptions of reality.

My self identity is shifting because it’s taking in more of a higher version of self, a more divine consciousness permeates my being, which affects me on every level.

I started meditating more formally again and I’ve been enjoying some very deep, peaceful and satisfying.sessions.

The Christ Consciousness identity within me is becoming louder as more of my spiritual self is pouring in.

I had a meeting to visit a place to rent and I spent 1.5h talking with the landlord, I was doing most of the listening, she said she liked my energy and we talked about many things unrelated to the rental, even some spiritual stuff about meditation.
I had long moments where I’m filled with unconditional love and compassion and I completely forget myself and the premises of the meeting and I feel this amazing energy just pouring out towards her, and for a timeless time I just become a point of pure being in loving presence, beyond all concepts simply offering myself to the moment as it is.

This sub is very potent, as potent as my spirit is, which is infinite…

I’m curious to discover how I’m going to integrate this higher identity field within my life

This sub requires serious grounding, definitely not for everyone.

[Parsifal]

Didn’t we have last year a similar thing when we’ve both run Ascension?
Now this time RoS?
Or am I mixing things up?

[SoulFire]

I never ran Ascension but I vaguely remember some sort of parallel happened where you were thinking Primal but went with Ascension instead and I went Primal.

[Parsifal]

No, it was Primal. I went with Primal for 1 or two cycles and then switched to Ascension for more base building first.

Still need to run Primal at a point.

Btw, I’ve run Ascension last year for 6 months. 3 as a major title and 3 months in my LB custom.

No recon.

A couple of weeks ago, I’ve ran a short loop of that custom again. Serious recon.
I don’t know what changed, but my guess is Khan activated something in me and now this custom cam dig deeper than before.

[SoulFire]

LB is a tricky sub, it is quite complex and definitely can hit hard sometimes.

[SoulFire]

12min Regeneration
15min Alchemist Singularity

I had an appointment with a physiotherapist this morning as part of the new mental health treatment I started.

I was taken by surprise by how powerful it was, I was expecting lying down on a table and receiving physical touch to relieve muscle tensions etc but instead we just sat on comfy chair and she guided me to listen to different parts of my body.

And again just like the psychologist the week before I felt immediate melting of my nervous system and sudden increased flow of my energy/emotions in all parts of my body, everything was exposed, I felt incredibly vulnerable, had some tears and also felt anger and also just non reaction as if frozen when asked to perform certain tasks, different parts of me wanting to go deeper into vulnerability to release but other parts just resisting and wanting to just get out of there.

Once again I am shocked at how good the 2 therapists I met in this government backed psychological clinic are, it looks like I found a golden healing mine!

I just listened to AS and looking forward to how it can help me.

I’m feeling very tired from the session with the physiotherapist, my nervous system is recalibrating so I’m taking it easy today.

[SoulFire]

15min Revelation of Spirit
15min Alchemist Singularity

Since yesterday I’m entering another phase of heavy reconciliation.

The spiral of growth goes on.

After a peak of celebratory clarity seeing how far I’ve come on the path to self remembrance, a new dive into darkness is here.

It’s experienced as increased agitation, restlessness, a sense of things aren’t quite right and I should do something about it but I have no clue what it is and what to do, an uncomfortable feeling of loneliness.

I can feel how much more grounded in my peace I am even with all these things showing up, I feel more solid than ever before which in contrast makes these things even more obvious and annoying to deal with.

I went to see my good wise friend who was sharing with me she unlocked some inner power and new mastery over different energy she can use with different chakras to clear energies in spaces, things and people, it brings me joy to hear a friend’s progress in their awakening, she is ahead of me in this process and has dealt with most emotional stuff already and has been remembering and integrating knowledge of past lives and other things so she is like a mentor or a strong mirror to me.

I felt energized and uplifted in her presence and she helped me with kind words reminding me there is no other way than to accept it all as it is in the present, which brought clarity in my consciousness and helped me be more aware of the storm of energetic patterns pulling me in different directions between the past and future, creating a lot of noise in my present.

So it helped me reset in present alignement and accept more easily this new dive into uncomfortable territory, I clearly felt all the emotional pain still being held in my body needing release and that humbled me.

[SoulFire]

15min RoS
15min AS

Alchemist Singularity is so refreshing! I can’t even write about it, I wouldn’t know where to start or end, it’s such an incredible tool, it is staying in my stack for a while.

I’ve had a very strong ‘meditation’/‘healing session’ with the lady I’m living with yesterday, it moved a lot of things within me.

I’m so blessed to have met her, many people and me included pay so much money for retreats and healers and I have access to it for free through this increasingly deeper friendship.

Being able to touch, feel and express the depths of my inner limitations and pain in a safe space without judgement with another loving human being that is ready to welcome it all is priceless.

[SoulFire]

5min RoS
5min AS

Big difference with 5min loops versus 15min, after less than an hour it was already very integrated, what some call ‘execution phase’.

My experience with full loops has been more intense and longer processing throughout the whole day, which I enjoy going deep into, but this time it was extremely quick to process, I didn’t have to give it much awareness and I felt the execution as integrated blooming in my direct experience within the hour.

I’ve also been listening to a lot of rife frequencies for nervous system balance and other more targeted body systems harmonization.

I found a YouTube channel which is German and has a lot better quality frequencies than the previous one I listened to, in case anyone is curious the channel is Neowake Biofrequencies, the one track I play every morning now is this one https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=P2GicDAh_AM&pp=0gcJCf0Ao7VqN5tD

I saw my soul friend yesterday and we had another powerful meeting, she keeps pulling my soul to the front of my consciousness and I managed to hold myself in this higher unified frequency state for a much longer time than before, it’s vey intense, it’s like a total let go on all levels, she talked a lot about death and accepting to die to wake up to infinite life, it’s easier said than done but I managed to experience this infinite open space for a litle while, it’s very hard to stabilize because there’s still a lot of screaming painful emotions in my body that pull attention away from this zero point free space within.

Work in progress, it’s going forward at a faster pace than ever and only accelerating, I’m expecting more ups and downs but damn, full awakening is nearing its head and I’m glimpsing that on the other side there’s a lot of work waiting for me from a more expanded soul level, so a different experience altogether but more active than my present life. Looking forward to this universal connection and doing God’s work more consciously.

[Parsifal]

Neowale is great. I was a customer for over a year. Although my ADHD hindered me from using it to it’s full capacity.
If you can afford it, try the subscription to the main page. They have boundless frequencies for all matters.
The stop insomnia track helped me a lot when I was severely depressed and unable to sleep.

[CurlyGirl]

During my dopamine detox in December, I listened to a lot of Neowake frequencies.
I honestly felt really good with them!

They helped me feel more grounded and made me feel lighter.

Of course, it also helped a lot that I wasn’t spending “24/7” on social media.

I can truly recommend them warmly .