As @RVconsultant said:
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The fact that you had all those thoughts – and still didn’t go through with it – shows more strength than most people could even begin to understand. You might not see it from the outside, but inside you… something powerful is moving. And you stayed with it. You didn’t numb it. You felt it. That alone is huge.
What you’re describing actually has a name: suicidal thoughts, yes – but there’s a specific type that shows up in people who feel deeply, who reflect, who are right in the middle of healing. It’s called “ego-dystonic suicidal ideation.”
That means the thoughts are there, but they don’t feel like you. And that’s because they’re not.
They’re more like a siren from deep within – a “not like this anymore” – not a true wish to die.
Especially during trauma recovery and deep healing phases, these kinds of thoughts can show up more intensely. Your system is purging, old pain is rising, your whole being is shifting. And sometimes it feels like everything needs to go.
But most of the time, it’s not about wanting to die – it’s about desperately wanting to live differently.
And the fact that you’re feeling all of this so intensely? That’s not weakness. That’s not “too much.” That’s your awareness.
That’s your soul asking for something real.
Something honest.
Something free.
And that you reached out for help – even though no one picked up – that, too, is strength. It means there’s a part of you that still wants to stay. A part that longs to be seen, held, and heard.
I see your strength.
Even when you can’t.
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Thank you for your loving care, what you write is beautiful and very true, you have an amazing gift!
Yes the deeper the healing goes the more intense it gets, I had an amazing time yesterday lots of great insights, I pretty much only danced and worked out the whole day, cannabis is fantastic when used occasionally at pushing the energy way up and creating a sense of wholeness in the being so I get to see and experience more clearly who I really am, it’s like a lot of fragmented pieces of self come to light and unite with the rest of the being, it’s really delightful and today I need to integrate the insights and use the opportunity that my energy field has been loosened to stay in touch with the depth of the feelings in my body, being as honest as possible with the pain that is present and opening to it intentionally so it can be felt and released.
The pain is so deep and so great it’s not as easy as it sounds, I have to go slowly into it, it’s like diving into pure burning lava, it’s like being burned alive, or raped, or getting stabbed multiple times in the stomach, whatever suffering ancestors have gone through and crazy stuff we did to each other long time ago, I need to feel it all if I want to be free.
There’s a lot of pain, old identities hanging on that haven’t found peace and are stuck in the past, twisting my perceptions of the present and blocking creative life force from flowing through me so I can move forward.
But I feel renewed patience now, yesterday was a relieving glimpse into and a direct experience of my true unbounded self and the freedom and ecstatic experience of living when both masculine and feminine energies within are fully balanced and can dance harmoniously in unity with the self.
Today 7.5min Regeneration and 1min LB.
In my specific case, I’m afraid pain is gain, because I was born in this pain, as a baby I never stopped crying, my mom said I was the loudest in the hospital and wouldn’t stop. As a baby this pain must have been unbearable and a disconnect had to happen on some level. I am ready to reconnect with the depth of myself and for this I must feel this pain fully, I must inhabit this body with my full awareness, no more darkness and limitations, I want access to the full extent of what this life in this human body has to offer and what me as an infinite creative being can experience through this life.
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Regeneration is really tough. It brings all of negative feelings up, my emotional bandwidth is taken 80 percent by it, I feel a constant current of painful emotions going through my body, until these energies can find a resolution and be released my life feels like walking through a swamp.
I’m meeting a psychologist today I’m curious to see what comes out of it, I never tried before, this is a free public service so why not try.
Today Regeneration 7min and LB 1min
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Regeneration 12min
GLM 1min
LB 1min
Talking to a therapist was helpful, she is a good listener and really cares, at the end she invited in one of the social workers that speak more fluent english, conveniently the social office and therapist work in the same building.
The social worker wants to set me up asap on mental health care so I can receive financial support and help to find a new place to stay, she also mentioned we will meet and assess my situation in more detail, to see how much I’m willing/able to work and they also offer many different courses.
It felt really nice to receive so much support and goodwill from total strangers. It was very unreal to be in that situation talking with them, I felt it was very healing on some level in a way I never experienced, because I tried to do it on my own my whole life, and this was like my pain was being acknowledged in a more ‘official’ way, I felt seen and accepted by society and the wider world in a way.
It felt like a step I was always meant to take, not only for myself but also my father who is to this day suffering all alone and just waiting to die, never faced his emotional issues.
I met with a doctor the next day as part of the process of assessing my mental state to sign me up for disability, he wants to run blood tests and meet again next week, he wasn’t as convinced as the therapist and social workers that I need that kind of help, he told me to just get a job and move on like it was pushing a button, it was upsetting that he was so insensitive, but again he is no therapist, just a doctor dealing with physical symptoms, and I’m generally a very positive individual even if I hurt deeply, so it’s not obvious unless I talk about it and tears come up, I’ve trained my whole life trying to fit in and get by with that pain.
I’m gonna go with this flow for now and see where it leads, I still am not sure if I even want to remain in this country, I’m just going to keep going with this process since it feels right for now, I’m not trying to identify as a victim and become a leech in the system but if I can be supported temporarily in a difficult transition I’ll take the help that’s offered as long as no one is trying to feed me pills or try to push dubious philosophies on me.
I do feel a certain lifting off from the painful emotional flow I’ve been in since starting Regeneration, weirdly I miss it,
but I feel much more at ease now.
I’m really looking forward to get to the next layer of things to address for healing.
To me Regeneration is much harder to handle than Phoenix because:
With Phoenix I felt a lot of energy and strength, I felt like I was recreating myself in the present and felt a lot of resilience and power in moving forward anew, lots of support in the present to be who I want to be and let go of whatever stands in the way, but to really heal with it I would need to stick to it very long term to establish a brand new personality by going through all the challenges that rise in my outer experience to transform the inner frame.
With Regeneration it’s like opening the valve to layers of old painful buried feelings and the gunk just rises up to be felt and dealt with directly, no gimmicks just pure direct experience of repressed material, and I don’t feel supported in any way, in the sense that I feel the whole movement the sub is creating is just total focus on facing what needs to be faced and keeps it coming until it dissolves.
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Regeneration 15min
LB 2min
I’m feeling very good, it’s as if a lot of fragmented pieces in myself are coming together and finding a consensus, I can see changes in my outer behavior, more ease and opening to the simplicity of being alive and enjoying myself in different ways.
Whatever heaviness was released this last week is leaving me with more energy, more clarity, more well being and feeling more grounded than ever, I feel more centered, a slower rythm in my psyche, less anxiety, etc.
A couple hours after the loop this morning I started to feel the energy movement that is now familiar with this sub, emotions on the left side of my body being stirred, dug up and rising, uncomfortable feelings, a different flavor of uncomfortable than last week, less intense so far and less heavy.
I welcome it and let it happen, I’m excited about it, looking forward to feel more of the unconscious material that was frozen in time.
It’s nice to feel some inner movement again, for the last 3 days I felt very light and joyful after the release of the previous pocket of painful feelings, I’m so ready to face the next layer!
I also feel the high intensity of self reflection that this sub triggers, that’s a very welcome feature because I always avoided using my mind as a tool for healing and mostly used intuition and awareness, this classical approach of reflection is helping me address more specific ‘material’ aspects of my life story past and present which help ground all the healing in a pragmatic manner.
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It’s the evening now and I’m very satisfied with my day, I finally got to work on things I have been putting off for a few weeks.
I came here a second time today to write specifically about the fact that I have been feeling a sort of nausea the whole day, I recognize this is healing work addressing something around the stomach/solar plexus area, it was a little uncomfortable all day but not crippling like the heavy sadness from last week.
It’s slowly starting to shift into a sense of dread/fear, and I’m also sensing excitement, similar to going on stage, there can be a tremendous sense of fear and excitement mixed up, it’s like a powerful lively part of my identity is being worked on, I don’t know what else to say, I’m getting tears right now as I write this, the kind of tears you get when you feel something extremely beautiful is about to happen, I take this as a confirmation a part of me is about to be born again or maybe for the first time, a deep and big piece of my true identity.
Shit this feels so crazy, it’s like I want it but also I don’t, I’m so afraid but also I know that on the other side I’m a gorgeous lion, a king, a power that flows in absolute delight, confidence, love and wisdom.
15min Regeneration
4min LB
Crossroads came faster than I thought, I have to make a choice within the next couple days about where I’m going.
The therapist sent me a txt last night she found me a place to stay, she told me it’s a very kind lady that rents a room in her home and also has an apartment for rent, the appt is taken for another month or two so she’s offering the room which is her son’s room when he visits.
It’s on the outskirt of a tiny village 10km from the fjord where I live. So if I choose this I need to commit very soon.
So here’s the choices I have:
Go live in Spain with my mom, it’s stable living space for free and gives me time to figure out my next move, but living in a brand new country is challenging and living with a parent also is challenging.
Go to a community farm in Norway, get active with lots of work, meet different people, live in nature and learn farming, but there is no stability of living space, it’s very uncertain how long I can stay there.
Follow the social help and therapist way, get my own place, receive psychological and financial support. The downside of this one is I will be more isolated than ever before, living in a small village with no one I know and completely alone, I also won’t have a car anymore. But at least I have a stable home and that gives me time to settle and figure out what to do next.
None of these choices feel good but I’m running out of time. My ex and her bf are moving in next week and it’s gonna be impossible for me to feel comfortable living here anymore. They passed by yesterday for an hour and it was unbearable, it shook me profoundly, the subconscious dynamics between us 3 were painfully obvious to me, they just want me out of here, I understand the guy but I expected more kindness and understanding from my ex, considering we had a great 6 years of fun and deep friendship, I feel she is not honoring it and doesn’t actually even feel like a friend anymore, it’s a hard truth to swallow.
So I’m really getting pressed like a lemon from all sides, I gotta go from here asap, it’s hard, I love my cat and I love living out in nature, going live in a small room somewhere is gonna be a rough transition.
I need to focus more and more on living in the moment so I don’t get too carried by anxious thoughts about the future. I have to let go of all judgements on myself and my life, it’s the only way I can start embracing and living it more fully.
I had flashes of pure presence yesterday while walking towards the fjord. It was after reading a buddhist quote about the fact that this present moment is always the most precious time in your life. I suddenly felt my whole self in the moment and realized that I am so complete and full of wisdom, for a few seconds I felt the wisdom of every life experience I ever had compressed and integrated in that moment, I felt powerful, very clear and at peace in the understanding that on some level I already know everything I need to know to move forward. I wish I could have greater access to this deep integrated state of being.
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Whish you all the best for your decision and the outcome of it. You really are at a transition point in your life, you really are.
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Well well, it looks like miracles are real and life is truly magical.
May 1st!!
I go out walking with my cat to the fjord, and I meet someone coming in walking her dog. A woman 12 years older than me, cute as I couldn’t imagine, she actually looks a lot like a girl I fell in love 6 years ago, amazing energy straight off I complimented her extremely long pony tail hair, going all the way to her lower back!
We ended up talking for 4 hours by the water, she is a true light worker, wide open heart, most loving person I ever met, she took me in a face to face eye to eye meditation for a bit, she has some healing powers she’s working on.
I talked about my situation and she straight up offered her cabin as an option to stay for free in exchange for taking care of her two parrots and watering the garden, etc. and also mentioned another tiny house for rent very cheap and offered a job in a nearby community farm just 2km away.
As she said that I burst in tears, I felt the pure love of the universe bringing me to this perfect moment with this incredible person offering me a pathway to exactly the things I wanted in the most random place where I go frequently and no one is ever there.
As I got home I had to lie down for an hour to integrate all the amazing energy I was filled with from our meeting.
I am so filled with love at the moment, I feel really good but also shook. I feel so in love with her, a woman 12 years older than me, extremely sweet but also so wise and authentic.
We’re meeting again tomorrow I’m really looking forward to it.
My world just got rocked upside down again, it’s like the universe is finally opening to me the pathway to the dream I’ve been dreaming and the people I’ve been craving to meet, the ones living the true life, awakening their spirit and working with the land and building a network of loving humans working from true Nature in building the new world.
Life just go that much more magicaaaaaal!
Next step is getting that disability money so I can have financial stability for long enough until I stabilise my work and lodging.
I hope it all works out for the best!
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Of course it will!
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