RoS 9min in the morning
RoD 7.5min evening
Been through hell for a few days, I have taken a break from seeing my friend that I’ve been smoking with almost everyday for the last 2 months, both cigarettes and joints, so I went through heavy physical withdrawal of tobacco and cannabis, I spent most of last 3 days lying down in bed feeling very low energy and depressed.
It’s been almost a week since last use now and I’m back online full throttle a lot of clarity today feeling great and having to make some decisions on my next living space.
This week I’m going to visit a place for rent, 750eur for 40m2, only 10km from the clinic where I get treatments and very close to social help office and supermarket and still close enough to the fjord and nature. But it’s only available from August 8th.
So for July I have to find something and I’ve only got 2 options. One is paying weekly rent without strings attached at a different neighbor across the street and the other is camping for free by the fjord.
Option 2 is financially appealing but a hassle, I went scouting around today and found one or two potential spots, it’s not really great locations, but it’s deep in the nature, I would still have to spend some money to get gear for cooking and some extra gear for sleeping, plus I don’t know where I can charge my phone and my escooter. There’s a camping nearby I forgot to check to see if there’s a plug I can use.
The social worker called me last week saying once my application goes through I’ll receive 2000eur per month, which is great news, it’s more money than when I was working!
But for now I only get 800eur/month from the sick leave she recommended I get from the doctor so I could get money until then.
All in all I’m very satisfied with the support I’m receiving both financial and the healing psychological side, aside from having to repeatedly refuse drugs that the psychologist keeps trying to push on me, I keep repeating that it will not help, it’s poison and will just make me a zombie and that whatever emotional pain I experience is ok but I guess that’s how he’s trained.
Also I’m good at expressing my feelings verbally so I get that from his side it might sound dramatic even though to me it’s just part of my spiritual process and a very natural thing, I use my time with him wisely so he probably has a very different idea of me than I do of myself, I avoid sharing my more spiritual insights and perspectives with him , I express only on the more traditional mental emotional level of things so I can benefit most from diving into my raw feelings and bonus I get to be seen as struggling and needing more sessions, even though I understand from a higher perspective that it’s all good and the drama of my depression and poor life circumstances is just part of a bigger picture and lessons I need to learn and grow from, things I need to go through to release old patterns and recalibrate in the freedom of the balanced and gorgeous present moment.
That’s the paradox of this whole process I’m going through, in one way I am experiencing difficulties and truly need support, but in another I really don’t because the difficulties I experience are inherent to being a human, the only difference is that I’m choosing to dive head in the difficulties within to reach the treasure hidden underneath and reconcile my humanity with the infinite bliss of my divinity, and that requires a certain amount of time and support to achieve.
But my body really holds a lot of emotions that are blocking my life energy and affect my motivation in a big way so that’s a very concrete reality as well.
It’s interesting how my spiritual search is now integrated into the mental health system, a kind of spiritual path, but instead of following a teacher like I did for years in a more traditional religious way, I get to create the path for myself with the government support.
I got carried away big time with writing, it’s good to feel alive again, so much more energy when not using cannabis daily, I’m not messing around with cigarettes anymore. Only occasional use, but it was fun diving into the habit again just like in my teens.
I’m looking forward to a more stable home of my own, but really looking forward to a stable home within myself, and unlocking the full power of my being and explode the planet with the love bomb that I truly am.
