Soul Search - My first diary ever

[SoulFire]

Regeneration 15min
LB 2min

I’m feeling very good, it’s as if a lot of fragmented pieces in myself are coming together and finding a consensus, I can see changes in my outer behavior, more ease and opening to the simplicity of being alive and enjoying myself in different ways.

Whatever heaviness was released this last week is leaving me with more energy, more clarity, more well being and feeling more grounded than ever, I feel more centered, a slower rythm in my psyche, less anxiety, etc.

A couple hours after the loop this morning I started to feel the energy movement that is now familiar with this sub, emotions on the left side of my body being stirred, dug up and rising, uncomfortable feelings, a different flavor of uncomfortable than last week, less intense so far and less heavy.

I welcome it and let it happen, I’m excited about it, looking forward to feel more of the unconscious material that was frozen in time.

It’s nice to feel some inner movement again, for the last 3 days I felt very light and joyful after the release of the previous pocket of painful feelings, I’m so ready to face the next layer!

I also feel the high intensity of self reflection that this sub triggers, that’s a very welcome feature because I always avoided using my mind as a tool for healing and mostly used intuition and awareness, this classical approach of reflection is helping me address more specific ‘material’ aspects of my life story past and present which help ground all the healing in a pragmatic manner.

[SoulFire]

It’s the evening now and I’m very satisfied with my day, I finally got to work on things I have been putting off for a few weeks.

I came here a second time today to write specifically about the fact that I have been feeling a sort of nausea the whole day, I recognize this is healing work addressing something around the stomach/solar plexus area, it was a little uncomfortable all day but not crippling like the heavy sadness from last week.

It’s slowly starting to shift into a sense of dread/fear, and I’m also sensing excitement, similar to going on stage, there can be a tremendous sense of fear and excitement mixed up, it’s like a powerful lively part of my identity is being worked on, I don’t know what else to say, I’m getting tears right now as I write this, the kind of tears you get when you feel something extremely beautiful is about to happen, I take this as a confirmation a part of me is about to be born again or maybe for the first time, a deep and big piece of my true identity.

Shit this feels so crazy, it’s like I want it but also I don’t, I’m so afraid but also I know that on the other side I’m a gorgeous lion, a king, a power that flows in absolute delight, confidence, love and wisdom.

[SoulFire]

15min Regeneration
4min LB

Crossroads came faster than I thought, I have to make a choice within the next couple days about where I’m going.

The therapist sent me a txt last night she found me a place to stay, she told me it’s a very kind lady that rents a room in her home and also has an apartment for rent, the appt is taken for another month or two so she’s offering the room which is her son’s room when he visits.

It’s on the outskirt of a tiny village 10km from the fjord where I live. So if I choose this I need to commit very soon.

So here’s the choices I have:

Go live in Spain with my mom, it’s stable living space for free and gives me time to figure out my next move, but living in a brand new country is challenging and living with a parent also is challenging.

Go to a community farm in Norway, get active with lots of work, meet different people, live in nature and learn farming, but there is no stability of living space, it’s very uncertain how long I can stay there.

Follow the social help and therapist way, get my own place, receive psychological and financial support. The downside of this one is I will be more isolated than ever before, living in a small village with no one I know and completely alone, I also won’t have a car anymore. But at least I have a stable home and that gives me time to settle and figure out what to do next.

None of these choices feel good but I’m running out of time. My ex and her bf are moving in next week and it’s gonna be impossible for me to feel comfortable living here anymore. They passed by yesterday for an hour and it was unbearable, it shook me profoundly, the subconscious dynamics between us 3 were painfully obvious to me, they just want me out of here, I understand the guy but I expected more kindness and understanding from my ex, considering we had a great 6 years of fun and deep friendship, I feel she is not honoring it and doesn’t actually even feel like a friend anymore, it’s a hard truth to swallow.

So I’m really getting pressed like a lemon from all sides, I gotta go from here asap, it’s hard, I love my cat and I love living out in nature, going live in a small room somewhere is gonna be a rough transition.

I need to focus more and more on living in the moment so I don’t get too carried by anxious thoughts about the future. I have to let go of all judgements on myself and my life, it’s the only way I can start embracing and living it more fully.

I had flashes of pure presence yesterday while walking towards the fjord. It was after reading a buddhist quote about the fact that this present moment is always the most precious time in your life. I suddenly felt my whole self in the moment and realized that I am so complete and full of wisdom, for a few seconds I felt the wisdom of every life experience I ever had compressed and integrated in that moment, I felt powerful, very clear and at peace in the understanding that on some level I already know everything I need to know to move forward. I wish I could have greater access to this deep integrated state of being.

[TheRock]

Whish you all the best for your decision and the outcome of it. You really are at a transition point in your life, you really are.

[SoulFire]

Well well, it looks like miracles are real and life is truly magical.

May 1st!!

I go out walking with my cat to the fjord, and I meet someone coming in walking her dog. A woman 12 years older than me, cute as I couldn’t imagine, she actually looks a lot like a girl I fell in love 6 years ago, amazing energy straight off I complimented her extremely long pony tail hair, going all the way to her lower back!

We ended up talking for 4 hours by the water, she is a true light worker, wide open heart, most loving person I ever met, she took me in a face to face eye to eye meditation for a bit, she has some healing powers she’s working on.

I talked about my situation and she straight up offered her cabin as an option to stay for free in exchange for taking care of her two parrots and watering the garden, etc. and also mentioned another tiny house for rent very cheap and offered a job in a nearby community farm just 2km away.

As she said that I burst in tears, I felt the pure love of the universe bringing me to this perfect moment with this incredible person offering me a pathway to exactly the things I wanted in the most random place where I go frequently and no one is ever there.

As I got home I had to lie down for an hour to integrate all the amazing energy I was filled with from our meeting.

I am so filled with love at the moment, I feel really good but also shook. I feel so in love with her, a woman 12 years older than me, extremely sweet but also so wise and authentic.

We’re meeting again tomorrow I’m really looking forward to it.

My world just got rocked upside down again, it’s like the universe is finally opening to me the pathway to the dream I’ve been dreaming and the people I’ve been craving to meet, the ones living the true life, awakening their spirit and working with the land and building a network of loving humans working from true Nature in building the new world.

Life just go that much more magicaaaaaal!

Next step is getting that disability money so I can have financial stability for long enough until I stabilise my work and lodging.

I hope it all works out for the best!

[TheRock]

@SoulFire

I hope it all works out for the best!

Of course it will!

[SoulFire]

Regeneration 7min
LB 4min

A full packed day, feeling very overwhelmed all day, lots of energy flowing in all kinds of directions, I went to the sauna try to relax, my mind is racing with thoughts I don’t even hear, I’m guessing I’m tackling a deep unconscious layer of anxiety/agitation, lots of intense emotions, very energetic emotions, I guess it’s anger/rage dripping out slowly, it’s intense and I feel all over the place mentally , I had a 2 hours session with the therapist where I talked non stop about where I’m at and all the new opportunities opening up and what’s the best way forward, lots of technicalities and limitations around receiving the financial support, I was exhausted from talking at the end, the whole day felt as if I had drank 10 coffees, hard to relax, I feel a lot of pressure and activity in my head that I can’t seem to cool off, I tried hard to relax in the sauna, stretching, push ups, grunting, I didn’t care at all what people thought, the bubbling rage is freeing me from shame and judgement, I did what I had to do to let go but these emotions are powerful and will take time to fully release.

I suspect the long talk with my new friend yesterday is part of all this energy moving in me today. We ended up not meeting up, she got busy with other things and said she was tired when evening came, it was a little triggering to hear because I feel a kind of craving for her presence, her energy and love is so powerful I just want to see her again so badly, I’m trying to tame this desire, I recognize she is helping me become a stronger man by surrendering to the feminine needs and be the space holder in stillness that masculinity is about, that’s one thing she taught me yesterday and I feel like today she helped me practice that by writing to me throughout the day trying to meet up and then retracting or changing the plans while still being very nice and teasing with sweet hugging emotes.

[SoulFire]

Interesting day today, I got to meet my new friend at her place in the morning, she was there with another friend who is much older, 78 years old, he is like a teacher to her, I got to briefly chat with him before he left, it was sort of otherworldly conversation, a quick back and forth that reflected on me my unconsciousness, it was straight up facing an ocean and I felt like a lake, being faced with my limits and lack of knowledge of the greater depth of consciousness within myself. Quite powerful in itself from just a few sentences exchanged, it was like standing in front of a mirror of truth.

We spent a few hours together, she showed me around the cabin and the parrots to take care of, and then we got to sit and talk and she helped me again go deeper within my sacral and root by getting close and looking in my eyes and then we got to hug and be more physical, she reflected on me my masculine wound and I got to really feel my block of taking initiative, she said I could do anything I wanted, I have the keys, and I got to work through that slowly, then we lied down on top of each other and spent time there just feeling into it and also had a playful physical fight.

I got back home and went to lie down in bed again for over an hour integrating all the energies I received, it felt amazing again like yesterday to enter into a light trance feeling all these feelings integrating.

I felt so good and relaxed afterwards and went for a walk with my ex which just came back a few days ago after 4 months away.

I felt very playful with her and I can feel my energy is so much more grounded in my masculine and feminine, she definitely felt that and enjoyed my presence more than ever before, I teased her that she should be careful she has a boyfriend now and she laughed, I’m definitely not interested in her anymore.

I’m going tomorrow to meet another friend of my new friend that owns a farm very close by, I checked on the map it’s literally 500m from where I live, I can go there by foot, it’s that close, crazy stuff.

Another opportunity to find a place to stay and a job, let’s see if anything concrete comes out of it

[SoulFire]

Going on a washout, today is the second day off.

Hard to tell how I’m feeling, it’s intense and amazing, a dream unfolding, hard to believe.

We’re having a great flow with my ex, I again reminded her jokingly she has a bf after she came and hugged me lovingly, I have changed a lot in the last 4 months since she’s been away with her boyfriend, so it’s a while since we’ve really spent time together and our friendship seems to be at an all time high.

I met with the lady in charge of the farm nearby and we spent the whole afternoon talking. This is the second human being I meet in a short time that is so open and that I feel an immediate comfort being around, I can be truly myself and express my deepest thoughts while feeling completely accepted for who I am.

This is incredibly liberating and fills me with so much happiness finally meeting people that are so in touch with their truth that we can be fully ourselves around each other and interact in timeless space.

We talked about the plans for building a community, starting with building a chicken coop, a cellar to store food, a sauna and more. I would be one of the first workers in this community, this is just the beginning and it’s kinda exciting to take this on from scratch, which means I could have an influence on the organisation of it all as it expands, which is exactly what I was wishing I could do and excites me the most.

The owner has 3 Airbnbs by the fjord that help bring income and I could also potentially help with the management of that.

I’m very excited and hope I can be a part of this.

I’m meeting the owner of the farm in a couple days and take it from there.

[TheRock]

That sounds all amazing.

[SoulFire]

I discovered new aspects of my true self yesterday.

Archangel Michael on my right, the warrior side of me, the protector and leader of angels, wielding the power of the light.

Christ consciousness on my left, unconditional love and acceptance, friend with all, surrendered emanation of the highest divine purity light.

The potential to walk as Christ in my actual body on this earth was experienced by me last night. The potential unfolding and choices I have in my outer reality if I can integrate this consciousness fully is beyond what I dare to think about at the moment.

I still have to free myself from childhood wounds and some other deeply rooted common human worldly conditionings not based in the Truth of Freedom.

Navigating this accelerated evolution of my being is dizzying, multidimensional and timeless aspects of being and the reality are intense to integrate when other parts of me still hold tight to old pains and the ways of the world as it’s been for so long.

There’s no way back, time to go forward and surrender the deepest parts of my ego, it’s go time for me, Reality is knocking, there’s no way around becoming what I always was.

Easier said than done, it’s worth it, and there’s not really a choice.

Free will doesn’t exist, it’s only the capacity to slow down what is meant to be. We have no choice but to follow our heart’s dreams, one way or the other, the self inflicted play of illusory limits will surrender to the soul’s infinite willpower .

[SoulFire]

@Parsifal In case you didn’t know, I can now recognize the affinity I felt for you is your strong connection to Archangel power, you’re also part of the angelic battle crew

[SoulFire]

Accelerated spiritual evolution

Healing soul family connection

My entire life, being, self, limitations, on all levels, physical emotional mental, unraveling at high speed, gradually swallowed into zero point consciousness.

Zero point consciousness is infinite, it’s present and absent at the same time, a state of being anchored in this reality but also completely free from it all.

The inner pathway to ultimate freedom is becoming more and more clear as I shed countless layers of conditioning.

Ultimate liberation is knocking at my door, and I have answered the call, I had been waiting for so long, and it is now making its space in my home, and once it takes fully place in my home, it will dissolve my home, and I will see that my true home is boundless space and time.

Something like that

[SoulFire]

I’m on the final stretch of what I’ve been seeking my whole life and now is unfolding itself in front of my eyes and in my being.

Enlightenment.

Pure and simple, grand and also completely natural.

I have a little ways to go, could be weeks, months, a year, but all I know is the end is near.

Beyond pain and into bliss,
Every moment I choose to go.

[SoulFire]

I’m literally losing my mind.

It seems to be the only way to break the deepest layers of ego, a sense of total confusion that gives me no choice but to completely let go and feel all the tensions in my brain slowly melt away into the body as I watch and feel all the trapped stories unfold at fast speed.

[SoulFire]

I am getting closer and closer to self-realization.

More and more glimpses and insights happening daily.

Unfortunately for me, just yesterday I realized I will not be the one enjoying the state of enlightenment.

There is more depths and layers to my ego that will be completely erased when the big volcano of kundalini finally rises and unifies my whole being with the cosmos.

I clearly felt a glimpse of this overtaking of consciousness before bed and felt a little sadness and fear at the complete destruction I have to undergo to reach what is the true me beyond all conditionings.

The exciting part is that even though I had an awakening experience 16 years ago that lasted 2 weeks, and I’ve read many spiritual books since and held that memory dearly as a beacon guiding me to the light, what is coming my way now is far beyond what I experienced back then, this is going to be the complete union and fulfillment of a very long journey home throughout lifetimes on this planet, this is the golden lifetime.

Unlike what I thought,
Self-realization is not for me,
Dreams of bright future not,
I disappear in Self sea.

If I want to be free,
I have to feel deeply,
The pain inside me,
Open up my body.

[SoulFire]

Further breaking down and integration, my path is complex and full of confusing twists, I am looking forward to find stable peaceful ground in my true self to make sense of it all, at the moment, it’s all up for renewal, not much I can hold onto anymore.

[SoulFire]

I started running BDLM and RotNW at 1-2min each.

This is a fantastic combo, it opens energetic pathways to the sacral area which helps feeling more grounded and relaxed overall.

The sacral holds a lot of shame and guilt and has a link to the voice as well, so this combo helps me feel more comfortable in my own body by both grounding my energy as well as relaxing some of the bottom line shame and guilt which increases emotional flow and also opens my voice, making it more relaxed and deeper, which also contributes to overall body relaxation.

It also affects my mind by slowing down its rythm, as I can feel a lot of the mental energy is being redirected to the body, anchoring me more in the present moment overall.

I could also try LotS or Paragon for grounding since they are both physical subs, I wonder which one would be more appropriate to use for that purpose, which one would be less energy hungry to run. If anyone reads this feel free to share your opinion about this.

[Spartan]

Your stack is doing already what you want. You’re reconed. Stick to this.

[SoulFire]

Pardon my french but the only thing in recon here is my underwear

Which you think is heavier in terms of energy consumption LotS or Paragon?

Yeah this stack is good grounding but it’s very very hot in my pants and I also can’t afford to have a penis that doesn’t fit a human body, I haven’t had children yet, that’s why I think one of the other two I mentioned might be more appropriate for longer runs according to my objective of grounding mental energy in the body.