Soul Search - My first diary ever

Journals - Major Programs
#205

And I’m back!

This new healing modality I got into is actually compatible with subs and makes subs’ effectiveness even better because it clears junk and resets my self at the deepest levels, so core imbalances at the genetic levels are being cleaned up which makes the subs working on outer identity more potent as the positive suggestions can now execute even more freely.

It’s like my foundations are getting stronger and more stable so the stuff I decorate my house with can stand nicely and not fall over or get damaged.

Today listen to:

1min LB
1min Sanguine
30sec AoHJ

I’m gonna keep my sub use to very short loops and sporadic use, my true being is shining forth more and more, I’m gaining clarity and a higher perspective on my life day by day, it’s helping shift how I see myself and the world around me and helping open more potential choices, I’ve never felt so free in my life, survival mode is almost disappearing completely but now I’m left with the real difficult questions of figuring out what do I want to bring to the world, which is the same as who am I truly and what is my dream, the true dream I came here to create, the one that was buried in childhood under layers of conditionings.

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#206

Went for my first cold bath of the year down at the fjord where I live, temperatures are rising and spring is in full bloom, icy cold feels amazing especially when the warm sun hits the skin right after, gorgeous day!

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#207

Today

KB1 30sec
KB2 30sec
KB3 30sec

I finally installed my trampoline a few days ago and jumping everyday, it’s such a great workout, all muscles + cardio + balance/reaction time improving cognitive functions in terms of spatial awareness body + mind , all this with minimum impact on the bones and joints unlike other sports like jogging, tennis, soccer, basketball.

I’m already feeling the benefits after a few days, feeling overall stronger and more alive, more energy flow.

I just listened to the above stack and about to go for another spin on the trampoline.

The sun is now getting very toasty here in Norway, it’s only +13c but almost unbearably hot when in direct sunlight, good times!

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#208

Today listen

Sanguine 5min
HeartSong 3.5 min
AHJ 1min

#209

HeartSong 15min

#210

I’m feeling this so strongly for the last couple days.

I’ve done so much inner work and I’m feeling more free and clearer than ever before but there’s still a core blindspot that, even after so many different experiences I went through over the years traveling a lot living abroad in many different countries and meeting so many different people and viewpoints, I am back to being this 7 year old self that is looking at the future and has no idea what he wants to do and become.

I need to leave my rental in 45 days, I quit my job 2 months ago on a whim and I’m not going back, I’ve got little money, but there’s so many things I could do but I feel like a completely lost kid, I have so much energy and willpower but my vision and excitement is so blocked that I can’t make a move, so frustrating, I’m like a sports car gas pedal to the max but the handbrake is on and no gps!!!

In 45 days I am forced to release the handbrake and I’m worried where I’m gonna end up if I can’t figure out a proper location to drive to.

All I know is I don’t want to live in a box, I want my life to be an extension of who I am, not get a random job just out of need, from now on I want my choices to reflect my truest possible self and newest version based on what I have learnt from my experiences and not some silly old conditionings or ideas.

Time is ticking, where do I go, what do I do, I have to take it step by step and not expect everything to come at once, but this first step is hard to take, I’ve got not external attachements anymore, job, country, relationship, nothing is holding me back, I can write a brand new chapter.

A blank page in front of me, I don’t want to repeat the same old story.

A new cycle is beginning, my life is once again birthing.

No one to take my hand and guide, like a newborn that parents denied.

A grown up once again a baby, a new awakening in timeless unity.

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#211

3.5min LB today

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#212

Oh yes, I feel that so deeply!
Let me just make the claim that you didn’t quit your job on a whim, but because you started questioning the meaning of your work.
Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

Not being put into a box is also something I struggle with from time to time—or at least something I reflect on. There are a few people around me who say I should do this or that a certain way. For example, because that’s what it says in my Human Design. Or this kind of, “I do it this way, so you should too.”

I once met someone who canceled her apartment lease without knowing where she would go next. But she trusted the process, and on the very day she moved out, she actually found a new place. She let life guide her. She was so full of trust. I admire that to this day.

I’m sharing this with you because maybe it can give you some courage and strength—even if you currently feel stuck. By the way, her financial situation was also very tight. I don’t know all the details, just what she wrote to me and shared in her Instagram stories.

Yes, the first step is always the most challenging one. The thing is: deep down we know what needs to be done. Yet something still blocks us. Something keeps the solution from rising to the surface.

I also don’t want to just do any job just because it could bring in money. On the other hand, I need money in order to get to know myself better—if you know what I mean. I’m really struggling with this, too, at the moment.

I think the key to (personal) success lies in trusting life, the universe, God (call it whatever you like). Letting everything flow. Releasing the pressure. We put so much pressure on ourselves already—and get even more from the outside world.

How are we supposed to truly live like that?

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#213

Yes you’re right, it wasn’t just on a whim but it was this intuitive push of taking a leap of faith as you described your friend did.

I’ve been focusing on this letting go trust since then and working on clearing more and more layers of conditioning but only the last few days, as the date I need to move out approaches, I decided to have a more physical look into different options and the reality hit me hard when nothing I checked felt right and I felt the anxiety and panic of uncertainty taking over.

The thing is I experienced a similar scenario about 15 years ago and I don’t have a better answer on where to go from here, but if I look back everything sort of aligned naturally.

It was when my mother moved out to a city far away, I was 19, had quit school, no job and no money but had all my friends in that city so I decided to stay, and was homeless for about 8 months.

It was a fun experience and a little challenging at times but eventually I came across a free meditation class and had an extraordinary spiritual experience and joined this spiritual community, I suddenly had a job, place to stay and lots of friends and had the best time of my life and traveling the world for the next 10 years until I had to leave because I met my now ex gf, which was also a 6 years journey of great fun and learning.

Now I’m back to square one alone again, I don’t want to go back to the streets and I don’t want to go back to this spiritual community, I also don’t want to get any job just for the sake of surviving.

I know it’s just a matter of time before the things blocking me eventually release and my true passion and excitement is revealed but in the meantime I wish I could live a peaceful life with a roof over my head and some food and nature surrounding me.

Thank you for your answers it does help me keep my faith up and reflect deeper on my thought processes.

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#214

After more research online I think I really want to be in a spiritual community but not strictly spiritual like the one I was in before with specific practices and teachings that everyone has to adhere to but a more grounded approach where people can practice and believe whatever way they want and connect together through shared projects and activities, work of the land producing food and other creative things and communal activities, meals together, simple real human living where everyone are just who they are without a strict religious behavior flavor that all have to adhere to but a free flow of living with a structured but flexible workflow and responsibilities.

I want to find a community that is both spiritually inclined, not too much that it’s a religion type group thinking but enough that compassion and tolerance is a natural flow and grounded, not too much that it’s all hippie drugs do whatever you want thing but enough to have balanced and sustainable social structures, sharing of resources, and respect of the individual’s uniqueness.

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#215

Maybe you want to have a look at the
Yamagishi Movement:

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#216

Today 4 min GLM and 5 min Regeneration.

I ran Regeneration only one cycle about 1.5 years ago and stopped because of how uncomfortable I felt.

It’s been about 2 hours since the loop and I already feel the uncomfortable feeling in my solar plexus/belly area, like a slow drilling and uncovering of wounds/stagnant energy.

This is the reason I decided to run it again, I want to face this and the way forward is through, the fact this sub brings these feelings up so quickly and directly is a good sign it’s helping.

#217

I felt shitty all day yesterday, Regen triggering lots of recon, head fog, overwhelm, etc, I went to the sauna and felt very relaxed afterwards but still with the mental fog and overall tiredness.

I slept really well but right after waking up I felt a dark cloud of negative thoughts and feelings like I haven’t faced in a while. Because of this reason I was able to be very aware of it and tried fighting it with positive self talk which seemed to work.

Later on it sort of came back but more as general heavy despair which made me think of killing myself as a way out of the challenges I am facing in my life.

I went ahead and thought if I left this world I’d like to at least have all the dishes done for when my friend comes back from her holiday trip, when at the sink I just got curious what knife I would use and decided on a small sharp one, I went out in the garden and thought the lawn would be a good spot, it’s back to nature and the blood wouldn’t mess up the floor inside the house and the rain can clean it up naturally.

I sat down on the grass and alowly put the knife to my left wrist and felt a lot of emotion coming up which made me cry. I sat there for a while reflecting on my feelings and my life.

This is as far as I ever went with trying to end it, part of me knows too well I will never do it but I really wanted to embrace this idea and choice as far as I could to see what comes up.

I went back inside and reflected on what just happened and decided to call a hotline to have a talk with someone but no one answered probably because of the holidays.

I then decided that if I wasn’t gonna die today at least I will release some pressure by using alcohol and mariejane, I have not had either of these in many months and I thought this is the lesser evil for today

I just popped in a few delicious edibles and I have a half full bottle of Rhum at my disposal, I’m kinda excited because I’ve been so disciplined with my health for so long now it’s nice to let go a little.

I tried calling some friends to get news and get my head away from myself but no one is answering so it’ll be a solo trip and I’m hoping the mind altering substances will help me losen up my emotions and help further release, at the very least I’m gonna have a fun day.

Based on my experience I would say Regeneration is working well, maybe a little too well :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:!

#219

After reading what I just wrote I reflect deeper and want to take some extra notes.

There’s something around being in control.

Another way to express what happened with the knife to the wrist is it results in a reset of expectations that create tension.

#220

Adding another note:

Oh fuck I think I went too hard on the edibles, I haven’t had cannabis in a long time and forgot that shit hit hards when there’s no tolerance build up.

Oh well here we go, in for a deep dive. :cyclone:

#221

I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing such distress.

If you are experiencing such distress, I would encourage you to contact a mental health professional and/or call a crisis line.

#222

As @RVconsultant said:

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#223

The fact that you had all those thoughts – and still didn’t go through with it – shows more strength than most people could even begin to understand. You might not see it from the outside, but inside you… something powerful is moving. And you stayed with it. You didn’t numb it. You felt it. That alone is huge.

What you’re describing actually has a name: suicidal thoughts, yes – but there’s a specific type that shows up in people who feel deeply, who reflect, who are right in the middle of healing. It’s called “ego-dystonic suicidal ideation.”
That means the thoughts are there, but they don’t feel like you. And that’s because they’re not.
They’re more like a siren from deep within – a “not like this anymore” – not a true wish to die.

Especially during trauma recovery and deep healing phases, these kinds of thoughts can show up more intensely. Your system is purging, old pain is rising, your whole being is shifting. And sometimes it feels like everything needs to go.
But most of the time, it’s not about wanting to die – it’s about desperately wanting to live differently.

And the fact that you’re feeling all of this so intensely? That’s not weakness. That’s not “too much.” That’s your awareness.
That’s your soul asking for something real.
Something honest.
Something free.

And that you reached out for help – even though no one picked up – that, too, is strength. It means there’s a part of you that still wants to stay. A part that longs to be seen, held, and heard.

I see your strength.
Even when you can’t.

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#224

Thank you for your loving care, what you write is beautiful and very true, you have an amazing gift!

Yes the deeper the healing goes the more intense it gets, I had an amazing time yesterday lots of great insights, I pretty much only danced and worked out the whole day, cannabis is fantastic when used occasionally at pushing the energy way up and creating a sense of wholeness in the being so I get to see and experience more clearly who I really am, it’s like a lot of fragmented pieces of self come to light and unite with the rest of the being, it’s really delightful and today I need to integrate the insights and use the opportunity that my energy field has been loosened to stay in touch with the depth of the feelings in my body, being as honest as possible with the pain that is present and opening to it intentionally so it can be felt and released.

The pain is so deep and so great it’s not as easy as it sounds, I have to go slowly into it, it’s like diving into pure burning lava, it’s like being burned alive, or raped, or getting stabbed multiple times in the stomach, whatever suffering ancestors have gone through and crazy stuff we did to each other long time ago, I need to feel it all if I want to be free.

There’s a lot of pain, old identities hanging on that haven’t found peace and are stuck in the past, twisting my perceptions of the present and blocking creative life force from flowing through me so I can move forward.

But I feel renewed patience now, yesterday was a relieving glimpse into and a direct experience of my true unbounded self and the freedom and ecstatic experience of living when both masculine and feminine energies within are fully balanced and can dance harmoniously in unity with the self.

Today 7.5min Regeneration and 1min LB.

In my specific case, I’m afraid pain is gain, because I was born in this pain, as a baby I never stopped crying, my mom said I was the loudest in the hospital and wouldn’t stop. As a baby this pain must have been unbearable and a disconnect had to happen on some level. I am ready to reconnect with the depth of myself and for this I must feel this pain fully, I must inhabit this body with my full awareness, no more darkness and limitations, I want access to the full extent of what this life in this human body has to offer and what me as an infinite creative being can experience through this life.

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#225

Regeneration is really tough. It brings all of negative feelings up, my emotional bandwidth is taken 80 percent by it, I feel a constant current of painful emotions going through my body, until these energies can find a resolution and be released my life feels like walking through a swamp.

I’m meeting a psychologist today I’m curious to see what comes out of it, I never tried before, this is a free public service so why not try.

Today Regeneration 7min and LB 1min

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