The Alchemie of the Soul

Journals - Major Programs
#13

Whenever I hear Daredevil, I feel like something is stuck in my throat.

Are they the unspoken words that have settled there?

I’ve often stayed silent in situations where I should have spoken up.

Interestingly, when I actually say something out loud—whether to someone else or just to myself—it somehow eases again.

On one hand, it’s fascinating how Daredevil manifests, but on the other hand, it’s kind of annoying. :sweat_smile:

I’ve also noticed that many activities bore me more than ever. Yet, I haven’t quite managed to let go of these useless habits.

Today, I had this urgent need to create a daily schedule. I even started, but something inside me still resists following through.

That frustrates me.

I can see that I’m holding myself back, but I’m not yet fully able to follow through on what I actually set out to do.

Another thing I’ve noticed: I don’t really like my clothes anymore. The Seductress wants me to wear more skirts and dresses—loose and light clothing.
Something in this style, for example.

aalexiaevellyn-20250210-0001
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But right now, I’m absolutely broke and need to wait before I can align my wardrobe with my emerging new self.

At the moment, everything feels even more confusing than usual.
I suddenly start crying or get angry, even though nothing significant has happened. Just like that.

Who knows what’s being released inside me right now? No, it’s not PMS—that’s still to come. :sweat_smile:
But it actually feels very similar.

I’m withdrawing more than ever because I never know which emotions will hit next, and I don’t want to get too close to anyone just because my feelings are doing the Lambada.

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#14

This is such a mood. I’m going through the same thing. Thrift stores have some good stuff sometimes but it’s so hit or miss in terms of fit.

#16

Earlier, something happened that made me really happy.

For the past few years, I’ve been rebuilding my relationship with my mother. Back then, things were often really bad—boundary violations, disregard for privacy, and both psychological and physical violence.

For some years now, she has been in therapy because her childhood was really messed up. I won’t go into too much detail, but there are some things that still make me wonder how she even survived.

Anyway, therapy has helped her not to blame herself and with other things as well.

When COVID started, I had considered moving abroad with a former friend. Long story.

Well, I decided to meet up with my mom and say goodbye. By that time, I was already deep into my own healing process and, for the first time, I realized that my mom was also carrying a lot of emotional baggage.

Since then, we’ve had occasional contact. Nothing regular, because there are still things I haven’t been able to forget about what she did to me.

Yesterday was her birthday, and I wished her a happy birthday. She thanked me and asked if there was anything she could do for me. My last WhatsApp status had worried her.

I just told her that there was nothing she could do right now since I was working through my childhood. I didn’t want to get angry or anything like that when we talked. It’s just a lot at the moment.

She then sent me a voicemail apologizing for what she had done to me back then. She said she had done her best but had still made a lot of mistakes.

I know that. I mean, the part about “doing her best.” But I was still often angry with her because of what she had done to me. Her apology actually healed something in me. I just don’t know exactly what.

So, indirectly, she did help me after all. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

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#17

Today’s Subs: Seductress and Daredevil

Today was really up and down. Pure emotional chaos.
I had a recap meeting today with a company where I’ve been trained for email customer support over the past few days.

Two weeks (10 hours) were scheduled for this, but I only had 7. Half of the hours, I got to handle the emails on my own. (They were then gone through with me afterward.) So, it was only 3.5 hours of training, during which I was explained how everything works.

The person who trained me said that I was doing my job pretty well. She even wrote me the following last Friday: “… I think it’s great how quickly you understand what the issue is and whether we need to address it or not.”

Today, in the recap meeting that was supposed to take place with her and the CEO, she wasn’t present because she’s sick. Okay, no problem. But then, someone else showed up, who had also just started and who schedules meetings.

Why she was there, I have no idea. She also didn’t contribute anything to the conversation. The CEO was also sick, but still made time for the meeting.

He told me he had received feedback and that J. thought I’d be better suited for a different department. The other department would involve placing flags on emails and doing other monotonous tasks…

However, according to the CEO, that department is supposed to disappear soon, at least that’s what I understood.
So, first they say I’m doing my job well, and then they want me to do something else.

I felt so undervalued and really inferior in that moment.
After the call, I broke down in tears because it really pissed me off.

I hope tomorrow’s trial day at another company goes better. I wasn’t able to properly prepare for it after the call. But I did my best.

Please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Also, earlier I watched a video in which someone explained why people have difficulty speaking. It was a perfect fit!

I’ve pretty much done everything to avoid talking to people. I’ve always handled things as much as possible in writing.
That’s why I’m “speech lazy,” I have challenges in conversations, and I overthink everything.

So, I need to train my “brain-to-mouth connection.”

There were also tools to fix this “deficit.” I tried them earlier. It was interesting. For example, talking into my smartphone for 5 minutes every day. No matter what I’m thinking. Just get it out.

He says I’ll notice results in 3-6 weeks. I’m curious!

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#18

Symmetry Seductress 05:01
Emperor Executive 05:00

During my detox, flu, virus, whatever, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I actually am.
And it’s been driving me crazy. Still is.

I know that you don’t instantly know who you are or what you’re meant for, but the urge to figure it out is extremely strong right now.

Am I someone who wants a house by the beach, or do I want to tear up the city in Tokyo?
Am I a forest fairy or the sexy businesswoman?

Do I want kids, or do I not want kids?

Do I feel like coaching people, or do I just want my peace from people and prefer working with animals?

These and other questions are driving me crazy.

What if I make a decision and totally regret it afterward? Sure, you can change a lot of things, but something like having kids, for example, you can’t.

What if I have them and then realize I actually don’t want them and end up being totally unhappy about it? Or the other way around?

These and other things are still important to consider. And that’s why I want to know who I am and what my purpose is.

I talked to a friend about it recently. I can’t really expect understanding from her when it comes to these kinds of questions. She says everything happens the way it’s supposed to and asks why I feel the need to figure out who I am right now.
She even said something along the lines of us not really being on the same wavelength anymore—but that she still loves me.

I was always someone else. For every single person, I had a different personality—the one of whoever I was with.

Is it wrong to want to know who I am and what I want from life, or am I just overthinking it?

Man, this is driving me nuts. And I’m not the only one who benefits from knowing—my environment would also know whether it fits or not.

I actually feel kind of alone right now.

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#19

1:35 Name embedded EOG 1 + Semper Praesens
1:30 Symmetry Seductress

Step by step, I seem to be moving towards dark feminine energy.

I am becoming more conscious about setting boundaries. Not because I don’t appreciate others, but because I am learning to love myself more and more, making sure to conserve my energy in a phase of life that is demanding a lot from me.

A few days ago, I found out that my stepfather passed away. He had been in my life since I was seven years old.

I can’t really remember my childhood, so I don’t have much to say about it.

I just know that my childhood was very traumatic for me—emotional neglect, toxic behavioral patterns, manipulation, gaslighting, and more.

What I do know is that, during one of the worst phases of my life, my stepfather did not stand by me.

He sided with the person who destroyed me physically and mentally. He betrayed the little girl to gain the favor of the man who had caused me unbearable pain.

Who knows what his true intentions were. But from that day on, I cut off all contact with him. And no, I do not feel sorry that he has passed. In fact, I feel a sense of relief.

Not necessarily for my own sake, but because, in his last months, he must have suffered immensely. His body was nothing but skin and bones due to a cancer diagnosis and a brain tumor. His suffering has ended, and I wish him peace—wherever he may be now.

The rest of my family is taking care of the funeral while I keep my distance. I admire and respect them for being able to do that. But for me, I buried him years ago.

That may sound harsh to some, but it’s simply how I feel.
It doesn’t earn me any points in my family—especially with my sister.

But I am becoming more and more okay with that. People’s paths often diverge, even within families.

Still, I prayed for him.
I prayed that he is now free from his suffering.
That, in the end, he realized my mother was the love of his life, even though their separation happened years ago.

And I believe that, deep down, he died believing my mother still loved him. Many people don’t have the fortune of leaving this world with the knowledge that they were loved.

But what my stepfather’s death has reminded me of most is this:
Your life is in your own hands.
No one is coming to save you—you have to do that yourself.

Negative thoughts, emotions, and actions are entirely your own responsibility.
No one else is responsible for what you say, do, or understand.

Are you unhappy with your life? Then change it!
Do you feel miserable? Seek out the things that make you happy!
Are you afraid? Face your fears and make them your dance partner!

You alone are responsible for yourself.
People who support you are just part of your healing journey. They provide impulses—but you have to act on them yourself. No one can do that for you.

I truly hope that one day, everyone realizes this—without needing someone to die first.

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#20

2:20 AOH
3:30 Name embedded EOG 1 + Semper Praesens

I haven’t listened to any subs in the past few days, so I took a break. Today, I started listening to them again.

But the break wasn’t planned. Since my stepfather’s death, I’ve been thinking more deeply and intensely about life, death, and everything in between.
I drifted off into all kinds of daydreams.

I also started forgiving every person in my life – not for their sake, but for mine.
Because if I go through life carrying all this anger and hatred, I’m only poisoning myself and getting lost in endless thoughts. And I have no desire to live that kind of life.

I first began by forgiving myself for everything, and I cried a lot. It felt like it took forever until I could say the words “I forgive myself.” And when I finally did, it felt incredibly freeing.

One by one, I’m now facing all those I still hold a grudge against. It won’t be easy, but it’s not impossible. I’m not doing it for them – I’m doing it for me and my well-being.

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#21

Sorry about the loss of your stepfather.

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#22

Seductress 2:00
Emperor Executive 3:00

For almost two weeks now, I’ve been constantly on my phone. Honestly, I’m not really doing anything else at the moment.

I’m numbing my brain doomscrolling through TikTok and wasting precious life time on some shitty mobile game.

The death of my stepfather triggered something in me. I’m terrified that I’ll go through life without having done anything meaningful. Without having achieved anything truly valuable.

“So why is she just sitting on her phone?” — Yeah, I ask myself the same question.

Why can’t I just enjoy life? Be carefree? Dance, laugh, be silly?
Why is it so hard for me to fully enjoy life?

I am trying to forgive everyone who’s hurt me — without allowing them to hurt me again. That sets a whole different standard. Some I’ll forgive, but they’ll never be part of my life again.

Why can’t I just get up and say: “From now on, I’m making history!”
What’s holding me back? Me? Something or someone else?

Damn it! Why is healing so painful and hard? Everyone says it’s never too late to achieve something. But I disagree. At some point, it is too late!

Once you’re dead, you’re not doing anything on this Earth anymore. That whole “it’s never too late” talk pisses me off. So many gurus, coaches, and therapists say that.

But it gives people a free pass to just chill through life and do nothing. To sit back and sip tea. It’s basically postponing life to tomorrow, and then tomorrow again, and again — until you die.

And yeah, I know it’s meant differently, but still — I see so many people letting time pass without truly living.

Same goes for love. People wait and wait and wait before committing. Just in case something better might come along.

Or they cheat, taking away someone else’s chance to find a person who’ll love them unconditionally — just to keep their options open if things don’t work out.

Same goes for hate, disrespect, envy, passive aggression, etc.
Do you really want to spend your life throwing out pointless comments and risk everyone turning away from you?

Why don’t these people think?

I could name so many more examples. I’m pretty sure I just want to distract myself from all these thoughts — because they hurt. Deeply.

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#23

I’m afraid.
Afraid of dying.
Afraid of dying without ever having achieved something meaningful in life.

They say that when you’re close to death, you regret everything you did or didn’t do.
The words that remained unspoken. The words said in the heat of an argument.
The decisions you made—or didn’t make.
The missed opportunities.

Someone once told me that these thoughts about life are a special form of awakening.
But no one tells you that this awakening hurts deeply in the heart. It hurts.

I want to change a lot in the world—especially myself—but still, I’m stuck.
I don’t know what to do with myself or my life.
I look up at the sky, but it simply doesn’t answer me.

It remains silent. While inside me, a war rages.
But this time, it isn’t quiet—it’s loud.
This war lives in every fiber of my being.

Everyone says it’s never too late to change something in life.
But once you die, you can’t change anything.
Not the world, and not yourself.

What if I never find my way?

I’m tired. Tired of all the division, the games, the hate and resentment.
I long for peace. Peace within me.

I’m afraid.
Afraid of dying without ever having found myself.

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Soul Search - My first diary ever
#24

Wow I really feel you on this, I started writing an answer and it became too long and personal so I posted it on my journal if you’re interested.

From where I stand I see you are lucky to have a home and a partner that can assist you and give you the space to figure it all out.

I’m being forced to act and it doesn’t feel pretty.

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#25

What’s your listening schedule for the next 5 days?

#26

I am infinitely grateful for my partner, who gives me support and space for everything imaginable.
The overthinking—about life, my role in it, and death—was “ignited” when my stepfather passed away a few weeks ago.

I’m already someone who is very sensitive by nature. I observe many things, people, and aspects I encounter very intensely. One video about a homeless person, and I cry—because I want to help people like him, but I lack the money to do so.

The same applies to women in abusive relationships.
Children who are mistreated by their parents.
Kids and teenagers who are bullied at school.
Animals that are thrown away like trash and left to their fate.

All of this hurts me deeply, and I feel utterly powerless.

And that brings me back to the main question:
What do I need to do to be able to support people?
How can I manage to earn enough money so I can help every single one of them?

Sometimes I think my emotions get in the way of making rational decisions.

I’ll also take a look at your post. It is often the case that you are blind to your own dilemma, but you can give very good advice to others.

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#27

Good question.
My current stack is Seductress and Emporer Executive.

Had a third sub in store before, but I didn’t want to overwhelm myself and my subconscious anymore and so I decided to hear only two.

Currently, however, I wonder whether these two subs are just appropriate, or whether I should not access others with regard to my current feelings.

But then I feel like I’m doing sub-hopping. On the other hand, it may very well be that those subs make me ready for the subs that I actually need more.
I’m a bit confused anyway. My thoughts, feelings and emotions are extremely roller coaster today.

#28

From what you just wrote it looks like working in some form of social help job could be fulfilling to you.

You’d have to chose which is most important to you, since it will be different branches of work, children, relationships, homelessness, animal care, etc.

Maybe there’s a deeper more specific aspect to what triggers your emotional reactions when you witness these things you could reflect on that could give you an even deeper insight on what would be the most satisfying way to quench this thirst for justice and wellbeing for all.

Obviously you also need to manage your energy so you don’t get overwhelmed by it and can use this sensitivity as a tool to help others.

Thanks for sharing you, I really like how clearly you express yourself in writing, it’s inspiring.

#29

You’re not alone. When the big picture presents itself it’s easy to get overwhelmed with this stuff. I think a lot of people are so in their own lives it gets tuned out.

Empathy is good, but I think it needs an outlet. That can be as simple as helping out someone you randomly see one day. Empathy turned inwards towards self criticism for not doing enough can really hurt. At the end of the day you have to make sure you’re meeting your needs too. Sometimes I think more of that energy needs to be directed inward, especially if there’s already a tendency to give to others.

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#30

Yes, these kinds of things definitely trigger something in me.
Except for homelessness, I’ve experienced all of it myself.

The bullying, the physical and emotional abuse in both my relationship and my family home.
For years, I’ve been trying to figure out what moves me the most and where I could offer support to others.

I always start with one thing and then jump to the next. There’s no real consistency, and that frustrates me.
So many people have told me that my emotional depth is a gift—something I can use to help others.
But where do I start—and stick with it long enough?

I keep trying to protect my energy, or at least not let it overwhelm me.
But even here, I start something and then stop again.

Is it ADHD?
A part of me that’s scared?
Afraid of criticism from others?
Afraid of criticizing myself—because I can be very perfectionistic?

I’ve been trying to get closer to the root of it through coaching techniques and other tools,
but up until now, I still haven’t found the answer.

I keep telling others to live in alignment with life, to let life guide them—
and yet, for some reason, I myself can’t (or maybe don’t want to) put that into practice.
Like I said above, maybe it’s fear—or maybe it’s something entirely different.

Thank you for the compliment on my writing.
I’m really glad I can inspire you through it.

#31

Yeah many of us have blockages that go back hundreds of years and have nothing to do with our present life but we are responsible for it nonetheless and are experiencing the results of it now and it’s so very difficult to get to the root of it.

And depending on the pattern and how it fits with the way society is set up nowadays it can be more or less crippling. Some can just get by and for others it’s so fucking hard to move around.

What I have discovered in my case and I think this applies to a lot of people is these ancient deeply rooted energies can’t really be dealt with directly with traditional approaches like meditation, prayer, subs or anything psychological/energetic but only through body work is the most direct access to it.

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#32

When was your most recent washout?

Are you using microloops?

Have you thought about decreasing your listening time?

What are you wanting to achieve with your current stack?

#33

My last longer washout wasn’t too long ago. And it lasted a bit longer than usual.

I mostly listen to microloops—almost exclusively. Usually between 1 and 3 minutes.

No, I haven’t been thinking about reducing my listening time at the moment.

I simply believe that the thoughts and emotions I’m currently experiencing are tied to the death of my stepfather.

I’ve always reflected on what it means to die, to no longer be here, and how I can use my time on Earth meaningfully.

The subliminals might have something to do with it, but I don’t believe they’re the main reason why I’m thinking so much about death right now.

What I want to achieve with the subliminals includes gaining more self-confidence, self-awareness, and self-discovery.
I also want to get rid of PMS symptoms and have a generally more pleasant menstrual cycle—which Seductress has already helped with.

I’m currently on my period and have to say it’s much better than before. I also noticed that I didn’t have such intense PMS symptoms beforehand.
I used to get quite irritable and annoyed, and the usual bloating before my period was much less noticeable this time.

I actually feel (aside from the mental spiral I’m in) a bit more energetic during my period—and in general, I notice that I have a little more energy.

Externally, it might not be visible yet, but internally, I can already feel the difference.
My overthinking has also improved, which I partly credit to Emperor Executive.

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