Yes, I know this dynamic very well. I’ve experienced this kind of hidden manipulation many times in my life. In the past, I often felt obligated to take on all these tasks because I thought I had to do them or that it was my responsibility. I intuitively sensed these games but, back then, I wasn’t yet able to clearly name them or set boundaries.
Today, it’s different. Today, I’m no longer someone who can be successfully manipulated in this way. I feel it immediately, recognize the energy behind it, and refuse to be pushed into a role that I haven’t freely chosen.
To be honest, I think soft power is a beautiful thing when you are in a safe environment or when people respect your energy. But in my experience, soft power alone doesn’t work with people who repeatedly cross your boundaries or try to manipulate you. With such people, I feel like I need a clearer, firmer energy, not just softness. Right now, I don’t feel safe enough to only use soft power – too often I’ve been in situations where people took advantage of my kindness or empathy. Maybe one day I’ll feel strong enough again to use both – softness and clarity – but at the moment, protecting myself feels more important than being soft.
What I’ve also learned: For people who are very close to such humans, it’s often particularly difficult to recognize when manipulation is happening—whether consciously or unconsciously.
Closeness sometimes blinds you to the subtle undertones that should actually wake you up. That’s why it’s so important to honestly reflect on yourself again and again: Am I really serving here out of love, or am I acting out of an inner pressure?
Men, in particular, are very susceptible when women act manipulatively. They simply don’t see that the woman—whether girlfriend, fiancée, mother, etc.—often uses words or situations to gain an advantage. They use pregnancy, illness, etc., to make the man “dance to their tune.”
If these things happen unconsciously, and the person is (very) self-reflective and wants to change, I see no problem in staying connected with that person.
We all carry old patterns and outdated beliefs within us that trigger us and shape how we react in certain situations.
But if these things are conscious behaviors, or the person doesn’t recognize any wrongdoing in themselves—in other words, they don’t reflect at all, or worse, they play the victim and blame others—then there is no reason to hold on to such a person. Whether it’s family, friends, or a lover—it doesn’t matter.
On top of that, such people often try to make you feel guilty if you don’t immediately meet their expectations or don’t do things the way they imagined. They slip into a victim role, portray themselves as the ones suffering, and subtly (or even openly) blame you for not taking over the task. I’ve painfully experienced this in various relationships. It takes strength to see through this mechanism, but it’s possible.
Relationships should be based on respect, appreciation, genuine love, and tolerance—not on manipulation, toxic behavior, disrespect, or envy.
And yes, I’ll be honest—I did react emotionally and angrily earlier. That’s human and completely valid. No one is only love, sunshine, and positive energy all the time. But it’s exactly these experiences—even the ones that stir me up—that help me (and also LB) to better understand how I want to be treated by others and how I don’t. And that, for me, is an important step toward my own freedom and self-respect.
By the way, I also communicated this to this human in writing. Without aggression or accusations, but as an honest wish and a respectful request: to see me and my feelings, to respect and understand them. But if no change happens, then honestly, I don’t see a shared future—whether as friends or in any other kind of contact. Because I have decided for myself that I only have room in my life for relationships based on true respect, understanding, and mutual responsibility.
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“Could you do this for me?”