The Alchemie of the Soul

Journals - Major Programs
#23

I’m afraid.
Afraid of dying.
Afraid of dying without ever having achieved something meaningful in life.

They say that when you’re close to death, you regret everything you did or didn’t do.
The words that remained unspoken. The words said in the heat of an argument.
The decisions you made—or didn’t make.
The missed opportunities.

Someone once told me that these thoughts about life are a special form of awakening.
But no one tells you that this awakening hurts deeply in the heart. It hurts.

I want to change a lot in the world—especially myself—but still, I’m stuck.
I don’t know what to do with myself or my life.
I look up at the sky, but it simply doesn’t answer me.

It remains silent. While inside me, a war rages.
But this time, it isn’t quiet—it’s loud.
This war lives in every fiber of my being.

Everyone says it’s never too late to change something in life.
But once you die, you can’t change anything.
Not the world, and not yourself.

What if I never find my way?

I’m tired. Tired of all the division, the games, the hate and resentment.
I long for peace. Peace within me.

I’m afraid.
Afraid of dying without ever having found myself.

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Soul Search - My first diary ever
#24

Wow I really feel you on this, I started writing an answer and it became too long and personal so I posted it on my journal if you’re interested.

From where I stand I see you are lucky to have a home and a partner that can assist you and give you the space to figure it all out.

I’m being forced to act and it doesn’t feel pretty.

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#25

What’s your listening schedule for the next 5 days?

#26

I am infinitely grateful for my partner, who gives me support and space for everything imaginable.
The overthinking—about life, my role in it, and death—was “ignited” when my stepfather passed away a few weeks ago.

I’m already someone who is very sensitive by nature. I observe many things, people, and aspects I encounter very intensely. One video about a homeless person, and I cry—because I want to help people like him, but I lack the money to do so.

The same applies to women in abusive relationships.
Children who are mistreated by their parents.
Kids and teenagers who are bullied at school.
Animals that are thrown away like trash and left to their fate.

All of this hurts me deeply, and I feel utterly powerless.

And that brings me back to the main question:
What do I need to do to be able to support people?
How can I manage to earn enough money so I can help every single one of them?

Sometimes I think my emotions get in the way of making rational decisions.

I’ll also take a look at your post. It is often the case that you are blind to your own dilemma, but you can give very good advice to others.

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#27

Good question.
My current stack is Seductress and Emporer Executive.

Had a third sub in store before, but I didn’t want to overwhelm myself and my subconscious anymore and so I decided to hear only two.

Currently, however, I wonder whether these two subs are just appropriate, or whether I should not access others with regard to my current feelings.

But then I feel like I’m doing sub-hopping. On the other hand, it may very well be that those subs make me ready for the subs that I actually need more.
I’m a bit confused anyway. My thoughts, feelings and emotions are extremely roller coaster today.

#28

From what you just wrote it looks like working in some form of social help job could be fulfilling to you.

You’d have to chose which is most important to you, since it will be different branches of work, children, relationships, homelessness, animal care, etc.

Maybe there’s a deeper more specific aspect to what triggers your emotional reactions when you witness these things you could reflect on that could give you an even deeper insight on what would be the most satisfying way to quench this thirst for justice and wellbeing for all.

Obviously you also need to manage your energy so you don’t get overwhelmed by it and can use this sensitivity as a tool to help others.

Thanks for sharing you, I really like how clearly you express yourself in writing, it’s inspiring.

#29

You’re not alone. When the big picture presents itself it’s easy to get overwhelmed with this stuff. I think a lot of people are so in their own lives it gets tuned out.

Empathy is good, but I think it needs an outlet. That can be as simple as helping out someone you randomly see one day. Empathy turned inwards towards self criticism for not doing enough can really hurt. At the end of the day you have to make sure you’re meeting your needs too. Sometimes I think more of that energy needs to be directed inward, especially if there’s already a tendency to give to others.

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#30

Yes, these kinds of things definitely trigger something in me.
Except for homelessness, I’ve experienced all of it myself.

The bullying, the physical and emotional abuse in both my relationship and my family home.
For years, I’ve been trying to figure out what moves me the most and where I could offer support to others.

I always start with one thing and then jump to the next. There’s no real consistency, and that frustrates me.
So many people have told me that my emotional depth is a gift—something I can use to help others.
But where do I start—and stick with it long enough?

I keep trying to protect my energy, or at least not let it overwhelm me.
But even here, I start something and then stop again.

Is it ADHD?
A part of me that’s scared?
Afraid of criticism from others?
Afraid of criticizing myself—because I can be very perfectionistic?

I’ve been trying to get closer to the root of it through coaching techniques and other tools,
but up until now, I still haven’t found the answer.

I keep telling others to live in alignment with life, to let life guide them—
and yet, for some reason, I myself can’t (or maybe don’t want to) put that into practice.
Like I said above, maybe it’s fear—or maybe it’s something entirely different.

Thank you for the compliment on my writing.
I’m really glad I can inspire you through it.

#31

Yeah many of us have blockages that go back hundreds of years and have nothing to do with our present life but we are responsible for it nonetheless and are experiencing the results of it now and it’s so very difficult to get to the root of it.

And depending on the pattern and how it fits with the way society is set up nowadays it can be more or less crippling. Some can just get by and for others it’s so fucking hard to move around.

What I have discovered in my case and I think this applies to a lot of people is these ancient deeply rooted energies can’t really be dealt with directly with traditional approaches like meditation, prayer, subs or anything psychological/energetic but only through body work is the most direct access to it.

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#32

When was your most recent washout?

Are you using microloops?

Have you thought about decreasing your listening time?

What are you wanting to achieve with your current stack?

#33

My last longer washout wasn’t too long ago. And it lasted a bit longer than usual.

I mostly listen to microloops—almost exclusively. Usually between 1 and 3 minutes.

No, I haven’t been thinking about reducing my listening time at the moment.

I simply believe that the thoughts and emotions I’m currently experiencing are tied to the death of my stepfather.

I’ve always reflected on what it means to die, to no longer be here, and how I can use my time on Earth meaningfully.

The subliminals might have something to do with it, but I don’t believe they’re the main reason why I’m thinking so much about death right now.

What I want to achieve with the subliminals includes gaining more self-confidence, self-awareness, and self-discovery.
I also want to get rid of PMS symptoms and have a generally more pleasant menstrual cycle—which Seductress has already helped with.

I’m currently on my period and have to say it’s much better than before. I also noticed that I didn’t have such intense PMS symptoms beforehand.
I used to get quite irritable and annoyed, and the usual bloating before my period was much less noticeable this time.

I actually feel (aside from the mental spiral I’m in) a bit more energetic during my period—and in general, I notice that I have a little more energy.

Externally, it might not be visible yet, but internally, I can already feel the difference.
My overthinking has also improved, which I partly credit to Emperor Executive.

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