Sanguine ZP and Ultimate Artist ZP combo

Journals - Major Programs
#41

Not sure what’s at play here. My ART session I had last week might have blown the doors open on a lot of past stuff that I’m working through now.

Sanguine to me is all about safety and trust. I keep getting these flashbacks to my childhood where I feel that sensation of the world being a bad place.

Three times this week at work already I’ve hit a wall during the day where I couldn’t focus and I started getting anxiety with a “I need to get out of here feeling”.

On the plus side I’ve stopped having such anger around working for this company. That anger stemmed from the assumption, like a lot of things in my life, that people have your best interests at heart and if you’re having a hard time they’ll look out for you. But that’s not the case, it’s pure chaos, people are trying to deal with their own crap and then throw that crap onto you. But I’m not obligated to take it. In that respect Sanguine is helping me cut out the toxic environment more in a way that isn’t extreme. Ascension had me full on aggressive, but the funny thing is I never addressed why internally I kept shouldering the responsibilities that were making me angry.

The bottom line is I’m learning at the age of 31 you have to really be there for yourself and look after yourself because it’s rare other people do. The problem is I don’t know how to do that in a full capacity. I’m learning, but I find it really difficult to juggle the demands of adulthood with that internal childlike regression.

#42

The utter irony of running a sub for trust in oneself and simultaneously starting to distrust anything going into my subconscious mind that hasn’t been crafted at my own hands which causes me NOT to generate that trust in myself.

I’m just losing a lot of faith in what subliminals can do for me as I keep hitting these walls. It’s not even about subclub, I mean in general I’ve tried so much shit over the years for myself. It’s more than the subs though. I’ve struggled for a lot of my life and I’ve never felt like I’ve had a support network or something keeping me safe.

Some days I legitimately can’t function without over-extending my available energy and hurting myself mentally. Today is one of those days. I’m wfh so at least I don’t have to deal with face to face interactions. But I hate this country’s relationship with mental health. So two faced. “Take care of yourself!” “Yeah but also make sure you keep doing your work and don’t fall behind”. You don’t get both, the very nature of struggling with any type of mental health problem is you aren’t as productive, you can’t just “set it aside”.

It’s like I pour all this energy and determination into getting better and building myself, but society just wants to shit all over it. How am I supposed to get better if there’s a systemic issue in this country of outright denial of how the people struggle inside it?

1 Like
#43

Told myself 3 ZP titles is too many and never again. But I feel I’m missing an ingredient here.

Sanguine is doing its thing but it has more of a stabilizing calm in the storm effect. It gets me through the crap, but I feel like it’s based in the present. I think I need something to break down the inner limitations. I’m contemplating throwing Rebirth into the mix

Reasons for that.

  1. Not having a strong foundation/history to draw upon for comfort. It’s hard to look to the future if all you have is the past that’s shaky. And for the life of me I am struggling intensely with building any sort of mental idea of anything besides what I’ve been through

  2. So much of my hangups feel like “me” as a person. Quite honestly some days I can’t stand being in this body or having my existence acknowledged. I carry buckets of shame about me as a person, I couldn’t tell you an exact reason why. It just exists.

  3. I’m realizing that part of my journey is discovering myself. Embracing a new identity not dragged through the mud. Not easy. As I focus on new things, past things bounce about in my head.

  4. Break the cycle of overly identifying with the flaws in me and having them take front stage. There are other aspects to me that I don’t acknowledge or are overshadowed. I have a bad habit of thinking the flaws are somehow more authentic.

I’m really lost in life. In the past few years I went from. It’s just anxiety, I need to just put myself out there more. To attachment issues, trauma, adhd, childhood neglect, avoidance, depression. It’s been a lot to unpack. And it seems like unpacking it all at once when I’m supposed to be a fully functioning adult really threw me for a loop.

So it hasn’t been going to well and I get stuck. I’ve never given Rebirth an honest shot so I figured I need to switch things up a bit or change my approach.

#44

Yup this is why I’m in therapy.

We started talking about IFS therapy and parts. What I’ve been experiencing this past week is called blending where a part basically hijacks your emotional response. You become very reactive and live out the past.

I’m going to hold off on Rebirth because I think I need a very gentle approach to handling all this. Hardcore healing/identity redefining is not gonna work well for me.

In today’s session my therapist basically confirmed my suspicious that I actually have a deficit in my ability to process emotions. Self gaslighting and suppression has been my life. Intellectually I understand how you’re supposed to process things. But emotionally I don’t know how, it’s like a huge confusion or blind spot.

I can’t really accurately explain it. Imagine everyone but you uses stick shift in a car. One day you’re driving your automatic car and someone looks perplexed. They have you sit in their car and attempt to drive without giving any instructions. They just tell you “you know, just drive stick shift it’s not that hard you can figure it out”. In this analogy the shifting would be how you navigate and process your own emotions and your relationship to them. Now imagine all that grinding and stalling trying to figure out how to drive stick. Also imagine trying to merge onto a busy highway having no confidence in your ability to get that car where it needs to go. Therapy is the equivalent of someone giving you a one on one lesson until you can do it on your own smoothly without help which gives you the confidence to get you to where you need to go.

The funny thing is if you asked me years ago how I felt about my relationship with my emotions I’d tell you I’m great at processing and understanding them. Little did I know that was just a defense mechanism because I couldn’t admit to myself I was completely overwhelmed and needed help. A part of me that was struggling and needed help was a weakness that needed to be cast out not acknowledged.

Let it be known analyzing emotions in depth is not the magic bullet for integrating them.

1 Like
#45

I’m a fan of this musician. Watching this video now.

Thought you might find it interesting or enjoyable.

p.s. hadn’t checked out the Tape Notes podcast before. Probably going to check it out more.

2 Likes
#46

Oh man I love Jon Hopkins stuff. I’m always interested to know more about his creative process. Thanks for posting this.

2 Likes
#47

I’ve been working on being kinder to myself. Some days thing don’t get done, I’m not as productive as I want to be, and I struggle a bit. I can either beat myself up with where I’m not at or I can direct that energy to getting myself back on my feet. It’s obvious which one you should choose in that situation, but it’s not something I’m all that familiar with.

All my life has felt like constantly playing catch up, behind in some way, not moving fast enough. But I’m moving at the pace I can move at and growing. My therapist told me to remind myself whenever I’m feeling bad about progress in general to tell myself “I’m where I need to be right now and I’m still working on myself and it’s ok”. The fact is I’ve come to realize these aren’t every day struggles I’m dealing with, but I’ve dismissed them as such for most of my life. There’s something deeper going on, something that needs attention. I’m giving it to myself now but I have a lifetime of stuffing it away and just getting on with life.

Today I had some trouble retaining the manual for this synth I bought. I wanted to learn all the ins and outs but my brain just wasn’t having it. Which was upsetting. Sometimes I can’t read, can’t engage, can’t focus, but I still want to do the thing I’m trying to do.

I’m getting better though at understanding how I need to approach these difficulties.

1 Like
#48

Sharing another thing here.

Listening to this wise person talk right now.

She’s making points that I think may be appreciated by you too.

1 Like
#49

Still questioning my ADHD diagnosis. My new therapist says trauma can mimic ADHD symptoms. We’ll see.

But I woke up this morning and told myself despite the chaos and level of disorganization in my life I will achieve what I want and live a happier life. There’s a lot of energy wasted trying to fit myself into a thinking and living style my brain just naturally doesn’t get along with. I’d do better taking that energy and building my life instead of wasting it trying to uphold this standard I’ve imposed on myself for levels of functioning.

1 Like
#50

Been experimenting with volume again. I’m now listening at the lowest possible level where I can still hear the masked sub without trying too hard. I find it really interesting that a few dbs louder and I end up feeling more easily overexposed.

I might also try a listening test to see if I’m comfortable going beyond the 3 minutes. Finding the sweet spot hasn’t been easy. I’ve listened too quiet, too loud, too long, too frequently, etc. It’s definitely a balance of getting enough exposure for forward momentum without crippling me. I’ve also learned that not enough exposure will have me less likely to act. I don’t think that’s necessarily because it puts less pressure on me, I think it’s more like underexposure causes me to lose the advantages of having more consistent positive habits.

Overall less of a battle inside me lately. Trying to work with myself vs overcoming.

1 Like
#51

Moved up to 5 minute loops, it seems I’m able to listen to that length comfortably now, might have pushed it to 7 with Sanguine today but I know 5 I’m good with. Part of me is like “you know what? Lets shake things up, lets get back on Ascension, lets power through, etc” Yes well that is ONE part of me. I can’t neglect the others which aren’t ready. This is exactly how I caused trouble for myself in the past, only seeing one aspect of myself and doubling down on it while ignoring the very real needs and consideration for the others.

My weakness isn’t in determination, discipline, or strength, it’s in self compassion and understanding. How I’m “supposed” to be as an adult is an expectation in my mind of someone who had their childhood line up perfectly. Now I’m learning that wasn’t the case and I have to do better to understand what I can do for myself. I’ve always felt I’m this or that, but the truth is I’m a bunch of things existing all at once which is where all the chaos comes from. Some things in direct opposition to each other and contradictory.

So there’s a feeling of “cmon lets go, lets get this life started” and another part that’s like “no”. It’s not a battle for who “wins”, it’s about meeting eye to eye and figuring out why they’re in opposition. I’ve been fighting an internal battle for too long now, one entirely unnecessary and inefficient but it’s all I’ve known.

#52

Had my first IFS session yesterday. Totally wiped me out. But it got me thinking about my usage of subliminals.

If all the parts aren’t on board for the changes, they aren’t gonna happen. Sanguine every single part of me agrees. We all know more safety and calm is good. Ascension? Like kicking a hornets nest. It’s interesting how what I once labeled as a very broad fear is now showing up as separate parts to me each communicating needs/some fighting each other.

The important thing emphasized in the therapy is that no part is “wrong”. It’s fulfilling a role, sometimes that role gets out of control which causes issues. Very common thing that happened in the past was having a leader dragging everyone else for the ride which causes a cycle of fear, shame, anger, etc. Basically I’m upsetting the system that developed inside me to handle my life.

It’s definitely an odd thing. But when someone put words to the exact experiences that were unfolding inside of me it made a lot of sense.

#53

Going to swap sanguine for LBFH and try this again. If it gets to be too much I’ll swap it back and continue to work on things my own way. Last time I ran it I really started falling apart. To the point I couldn’t compartmentalize it to function in my day to day.

But truthfully the world has been a dark place for me as of late and I want to do something to not get dragged into it. I can’t really do anything out there in the world. I’m not influential, I’m not wealthy, I don’t have answers. So all I can really try to do is rise above all this and maybe make a difference with my energy.

Very interesting. My previous experience with LBFH seems like the defensive mechanisms from IFS I’ve been learning about. So I think I have more tools right now to interact with these parts and keep moving forward.

#54

For the first time in a while I ran ascension chamber. When it comes to things like energy or anything like that I prefer experiential knowledge. I don’t like following teachings or guidance because it has the effect of setting expectation how things should unfold which limits exploration.

I really haven’t used this one a lot and I probably should. Every time I run it I get these spontaneous visualizations which seem to connect me more.

Today’s visualizations. Basically energy running from the sky or above down through my head and energy from the ground up through my feet. The above energy seemed to be related to higher concepts of living, expanded consciousness, universal power. The energy from below seemed to based in grounded principles, solid tangible real world stuff, less heady concepts, sexual energy too apparently.

The beams of energy met at the core of my body and circulated like a current. Spinning, sort of like each energy was a polar opposite which pushed the other one in an infinite cycle. But it was a mixing of two energies to provide balance.

So where I’m at in my spiritual exploration in life. I am intensely self conscious of concepts like this, intuitive knowledge gets pushed off as overactive imagination. Over the years I’ve witnessed a lot of people who get into this higher level stuff like energy work completely lose their grounding. Whether thinking they now have the answers to all of life’s problems, let the newfound discovery go to their heads and think they have divine knowledge at all times on tap, ironically become LESS understanding of human struggles in general and more selfish, attempt to become life coaches (when they have no business guiding people), etc. I’ve just been witness to A LOT of ego around spirituality. I don’t know how or why it happens, but people seem to lose their way.

Reminds me of an individual I was briefly seeing who was helping me build up a practice of manifesting, visualization, all that. Then one day she starts talking about reptilians, deep state, qanon garbage. I was like, that’s it I’m done with you. I challenged her on it, asking her where she’s getting her info from? She just said “look it up, it’s all over the internet you just need to know where to look”. At that moment I knew her “intuitive knowledge” she was claiming was just a product of the garbage she was consuming online. Humans seem to have a tendency to forget they are human.

1 Like
#55

Love is probably the most polarizing thing in the universe. When you’re good with it you feel great. When you’re not ready for it, it hurts.

Can confirm LBFH is hitting me like a sledgehammer again. I’m going to stick it out this time instead of running away. I’m always looking for the most efficient way to overcome things and improve. I think I have to admit to myself that’s a lie. It’s an attempt to engage in all the benefits of self growth without actually processing and accepting my emotions and myself.

2 Likes
#56

Something hard for me to admit but I feel like sharing here. I haven’t been able to keep up with a lot of journals on here. I’ve got a lot of internalized shame still about my own life. Reading about certain successes, lifestyles, and overall levels of growth cause deep insecurities in me. Moving forward I’m going to try to read more about everyone’s experiences with these subs vs walling myself off.

100% a manifestation of LBFH with this insight. When it comes to people I’m still very much a “watch from a distance” type of cautious. I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to do what it takes to overcome these fear based protective habits. I also understand how unhealthy it is and simultaneously hurtful to myself to continue to engage in it.

But it’s gonna take a while. We started with fear, gradually built up a whole system for dealing with that fear, and now we have to undo that system and address the fear. So it’s not only about learning to be myself more, but also disarming all the things in place that hide that.

Sometimes ZP gives me this birds eye view of myself and it’s just enough perspective to realize that this isn’t something I have to live with.

2 Likes
#57

I’m on rest day 2, and I still feel LBFH moving in my physical brain. Like barely a headache. I’m going to drop early since it’s still active, and I’m going to experiment with a 3rd rest day tomorrow.

That thinking came from reading the support thread about using less loops to alleviate recon. Some do 7 days off, one does 10. Personally, I’m amazed how active this sub still is when I last listened Sunday morning. I do a full 15-minute loop.

And lastly, since you mentioned it, comparing yourself to me or anyone else means you’re very, very hard on yourself. I’ve felt inferior myself to all others my whole life, which is why I guard myself by not reaching out here often.

But in this activation time…LBFH is giving me the exact opposite message. That I’m so so valuable. I habitually repelled it at first. But LBFH is a strong subliminal. I compared it to Emperor in my journal. It’s no light sub.

It’s new territory for me too, but Gawd, it’s intense feeling valuable.

2 Likes
#58

Yeah definitely. I only go for 3 minute loops. Even 5 minutes is too much for me at the moment. So I’m working up to it with LBFH.

Yes 100%. It’s been a lifelong struggle for me. The intense recon I get from LBFH is when those feelings of being valuable are being generated. It causes a lot of inner turmoil. That’s definitely what I’m working through now. If I had to compare it to anything it’s when people in my life have tried to get closer to me and show genuine interest but I shutdown or push them away. Same thing, but internally towards myself. Those longstanding avoidant tendencies in myself. Luckily now that I’m seeing a therapist I don’t have that opportunity to try to sneak my way out of facing this stuff. No matter how badly I self sabotage or slip backwards there’s someone there now able to guide me back onto the right path. That just helps me be stronger.

1 Like
#59

Check in time for myself after stubbornly listening to another loop of UA and LBFH this week. Don’t have much momentum. I think I over did it and need to rest.

There’s always that fear of “I’m not doing enough or trying hard enough”. Ironically the behavior that stems from that is what prevents my growth because I burn myself out.

I think starting next week I’m doing one loop a week to start. And only really listening to another if I can absolutely guarantee it won’t compromise me.

This is actually something I talked to my therapist about. I close off and move ahead, I don’t stop to process. I think if I just keep my head down and plow through everything I’ll end up on the other side. But I ignore the crucial in between.

Its better I process whatever I need for that week off one loop and want to do slightly more vs just creating a mountain of emotional upheaval I have to get through.

Perfect example of how I screw up my listening schedule due to past beliefs and emotional conditioning.

1 Like
#60

I think there’s definitely a strong desire in me to run something like Ascension. But also I know I have to build up to that. It sucks, I’m inpatient, but there’s a whole aspect of me I keep neglecting.

UA mixed with LBFH is having me get more in touch with my creative side and bringing that to the front more vs shoved in a dark corner. UA is tough, it doesn’t seem like it would be as a title but there are mountains of subconscious beliefs that get instilled in you growing up having to do with art in general.

You’ll notice a lot in life the only artists people actively support are the already established ones. Up and coming, learning, or inexperienced ones are dismissed as someone who needs to get a real job. The only people that seem to prop artists up are other artists who get it.

I think there’s still a lot I need to process about my own worth and my place in this world. Right now it still feels like I’m living it according to someone else’s rules.

1 Like