Sanguine ZP and Ultimate Artist ZP combo

Journals - Major Programs
#61

Tomorrow I kick my coffee habit, again. I’ll reserve it for the one or two cups on the weekend. But daily intake isn’t good for me. Not sure if it’s the caffeine or coffee itself, but my mental health does a nosedive and it wrecks my sleep. Amazing how just one cup every day gradually wears me down.

Other than that. LBFH kicks up a lot of sexual energy for me. I’ve got a lot of hangups around sex so maybe some healing going on there.

Overall feeling overwhelmed right now. Wondering how I’m gonna do this life thing and finally be happy.

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#62

Could really use a win in my life right now. My cat got really sick and I had to take him to the hospital to stabilize him. It got me really angry because I should have taken the signs leading up to the issues into account. Instead I was dealing with the bullshit of my job and once again letting that fear place it at the forefront of my life. Which consequently burns me out which makes me more detached from everything.

I just want to live a goddamn simple life. I don’t want to have to be rich just so I can have freedom. Higher pay equals more responsibility and I just don’t want that. But even the higher paying salaries are a joke now with inflation.

Would love to run a sub that just helps me manifest opportunities as needed vs having to structure an entire lifestyle change.

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#63

LBFH is pretty awesome. This is the perfect balance of compassion for others while at the same time not hesitating to shut people down who manipulate or disrespect you.

A small win for myself today. It was about 5 minutes before the end of my shift at work today. Servers started having issues. I knew if I started diagnosing any of the tickets that came in I’d be stuck there longer than I wanted for the night. So I asked myself “Do you feel comfortable working longer today?” The answer was no. So I punched out and left. Nothing like worrying what people thought of me for leaving them in the middle of issues, worrying about the owner of the company finding out, lost productivity, blah blah blah. Nope I was just like peace, I’m done with this shit for the day.

Besides there was a whole other team still online across the coast, they could handle it. I am done taking responsibility for things that aren’t my responsibility, especially when it messes with my own mental health. Also I was gone for one day and everything was so backed up. But I just started with what I could and worked a comfortable pace. No more of this trying to catch up nonsense.

Tickets unsolved. People needing things done. Not enough manpower in our department. Not my problem. I’m getting some help soon, but until that day comes I won’t be held responsible for things falling through the cracks.

Apparently setting boundaries and being assertive wasn’t a skill deficit for me, but a self worth issue. When you start valuing yourself and your health more you naturally protect it vs giving it away to be stomped all over.

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#64

That’s how I want to live life too. That’s one of the things that keeps me on the path of self-realization and what those who made it talk about. You are given what you need as you need it. Some even go so far as to say you don’t need a job. I’m okay with having one but I want that time and freedom if not happiness and joy from my work.

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#65

LBFH definitely kicks up the dominance for me. I ran a 3 minute loop last night and I woke up this morning like “today I won’t tolerate any bullshit from others”. It’s not aggressive, it’s like a calm nonchalance. Thinking to myself “I don’t care what you think, all I care about is taking care of myself and I’m gonna do that.” It feels a bit like the Rogue module, but with heavy emphasis on putting yourself first.

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#66

@Fractal_Explorer Let’s go mate!! I see you getting those results there. Alpha as frik

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#67

Thanks for the support! Yeah man long overdue. This is what real confidence feels like. I got a long way to go but I’ve glimpsed it which is the most important part.

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#68

Had another session with my therapist. Topic of discussion was trust. Basically I still dont trust her fully and that’s the truth. But that’s been my whole life. A lot of people don’t understand what it’s like to live with a desire to be close to people but something stops you.

So I felt that was relevant while working with her. Yes I want to change and trust people more. No it’s not as easy as just making a decision to do it. I don’t particularly like the fact that the very thing necessary for effective therapy continually eludes me.

Very frustrating.

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#69

A lot of my growth lately has me recounting stuff like Neville Goddards teachings. Living in the end and ignoring the 3d, being persistent. I got very disillusioned with this stuff. But it clicked for me today that I never actually practiced it properly. At the heart of it, it was always about avoiding a current life or situation. A fighting to assert what I want and this weird sort of anxiety/obsession to keep ignoring my current life.

It’s really about trust, security, and knowing in your heart that what you want is possible and on its way. But that type of mindset doesn’t come from trying to hold that mental space. Rather it’s the result of internally healing yourself and opening to more possibilities.

My last post here I realized today that was blending with another part, which I’ll have to bring up at my next session. These issues always seem deeper than they actually are in reality. It’s not a deep flaw, it’s really just another role that is rigid that makes me believe it’s more complex than it really is. Complexity makes me think “hmmm I guess I am pretty messed up and this is going to take a while”. But taking a while is a good out for not changing. That part uses that pseudo complexity to convince me change is further out than it actually is.

Long story short. A part of me holds onto the “fundamentally flawed for people” belief in order to have a reason not to put myself out in the world more. But that isn’t my core self doing that or a reflection of it.

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#70

:pray:

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#71

Working on some music today. Still struggling, but it’s definitely my own standards. I make things harder than they need to be. What is “enough” in terms of electronic music? I’ve listened to highly polished productions with excruciating attention to detail. I’ve also listened to raw tracks that just had a vibe and hardware gear. Neither one is better than the other, but in my head when I go for simplicity or don’t micro edit the crap out of everything I feel like I’m a lazy musician.

In a lot of ways these past few months I’m relearning how to write music. Taking all the knowledge I’ve gotten over the years and asking myself “what do I want?” Not an easy answer most of the time. Sometimes I feel like all I really want to do is a long suspended droning chord that has no real identifiable musical structure. I always hit a wall when I have to turn something into a “song”. Maybe writing shorter ideas just to flex my creative muscle without that huge burden of a full track is what I need.

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#72

Contemplating keeping my 3 minutes of LBFH weekly and then experimenting with the micro loops for Ascension and Ultimate Artist. I’ve held off with Ascension for a bit now, but it’s an entirely necessary aspect of growth for me. No way around it. I need to be stronger in this world. That’s not a flaw in my character. In an ideal world people wouldn’t have to worry about all the manipulators and pain they can cause, but we don’t live in that world. This is for my own benefit and out of self love and protecting myself.

UA and Ascension are probably burned into my brain by now. I’m pretty comfortable with trying a micro loop. They’ve made an appearance in almost every custom and I’ve used them from the days of 8hr exposure time prior to Q.

On second thought. I’ll probably just stick to 2 and rotate out. Might start with Ascension and LBFH doing micro loops going forward. Willing to experiment a bit considering I’ve always responded well to less exposure time.

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#73

Mood right now. I gotta find a way out of this loop I’m in with my life

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#74

Decided to test out some micro loops earlier today because I just didn’t want to wait till tomorrow/felt like I needed a bump in mood to get me through this work week.

Very interesting. What I noticed is I jumped right into emotional processing. Those sort of internal shifts. Normally I go through a period of heavy internal focus and concentration when doing a 3 minute loop. This can last about 3 days. But the micro loop feels like I jumped right over that 3 day buffer period.

Currently feeling that Ascension internal power. Combined with LBFH I feel more attentive to my needs and at the same time internal strength. LBFH is the light from within and Ascension is the warrior spirit for protecting it. It seems to satisfy different parts internally, whereas just LBFH or just Ascension felt like I was missing something.

Very very interesting that a blending of two subs resolves internal reconciliation. As if one part was afraid of losing empathy exclusively running Ascension. And another part was afraid of being abused or being controlled opening up to the love energy. By having both sides fulfilled there is a feeling of cooperation. Now obviously I wouldn’t lose empathy on Ascension, but there was no real way of convincing myself of that so that fear was triggered every time I ran Ascension in the past. I just buried it a lot and thought it was something to overcome vs a legitimate concern deep in my psyche.

Learning a fair bit more about how these subs can be sectioned off in my mind and how to preemptively minimize reconciliation. This will be useful in future custom builds as well, how to counterbalance things without going for purely generic healing or support modules.

#75

Micro loops continue this morning before work. There’s definitely a flavor to Ascension I’m able to pick out when it’s activated. It’s very apparent my harsh reconciliation was my view that it was in some way “wrong”. It definitely gives an edge to you.

I was like “oh no I don’t want to be dominant, I don’t want to make people uncomfortable”. But now I’m like, yeah well if I don’t guess who gets screwed? Not playing these games anymore. I have a lot of empathy to give people who deserve it, but cross me or violate my moral beliefs in any way? Yeah that’s a whole other side to me I need to learn to get under control.

I’ve said it before but Ascension really capitalizes on bypassing the fake social hierarchies in jobs and such. It gets to your core as a living being. Makes you realize their status or wealth isn’t an indication of personal power over you as an individual.

#76

I was a bit hesitant 2 days in a row for the micro loops. But I can say it definitely shakes things up in a good way. So far this is consistent and steady internal challenging, without the fatigue of overexposure. Will have to see how I feel at the end of the week.

It’s a little early to tell. Ascension has me amped up, lots of anger coming up. Might be the years of mistreatment my more passive demeanor opened me up to and reconciling that.

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#77

Feeling the beginnings of overexposure so 30s every day is not the way to go for me. But I had to experiment with it.

The key for me is overstimulation and monitoring my body. So I might go with a more flexible approach to this vs a strict schedule.

But it’s good to know that 30s still gives me plenty of internal work. That shows me it’s no longer about exposure time, it’s about focus. Micro loops seem to have the effect of getting me back on track. It’s like a huge lighting up of neural connectivity and then gradual fading, which works for me. I don’t do well with any type of constant stimulus, my mind will dissociate after a while.

Even 3 minute loops took a week to sort of “clear” for me. So with these micro loops I may have more consistency. Reinforcement is very important for my mind, but it has to be done in a way where it isn’t overstimulating. This might be it, we’ll see.

On that note, LBFH has me thinking things like “you don’t have to share anything about yourself if you don’t want to”. In my life I’ve either kept things tightly locked up or I’m over sharing some personal details of my life. It’s like I think I have to confess to people or put a disclaimer before every interaction. Building more love for myself has me thinking “whatever it is you’ve gone through, struggle with, or are trying to figure out is nobody else’s business but your own”. I don’t owe an explanation to anyone as to why my life has been difficult for me. I don’t have to reach some imaginary metric of pain before my struggles are valid. Constantly looking for approval in others to validate this pain I’ve felt is wrong, even if I never did it overtly, the intention was there.

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#78

Why does it seem like masculinity doesn’t fit me? To go further I don’t even have a strong attachment to it. The idea of it. It just feels restrictive.

I’m trying to define it for myself but I come up short. In general I think gender roles are pretty useless. You’re a human being, why would you restrict things to man or woman?

Now I’m wondering if Ascension is really the best sub for me considering I’m not heavily aligned with the idea of masculinity.

Full disclosure I did some digging in therapy the other day and it sucked. It made me realize my precious attachment to these strong tough roles is born out of past hurt vs a genuine expression of my true self.

This goes back to IFS and parts. I think, but I’m not certain, a lot of the more Ascension based scripting went to a protector part and strengthen their role. I doubled down on it, but essentially it acts as the barrier between the world and my more sensitive self. And in IFS roles can get restrictive. The more restriction the more polarization and extremes you get. So it makes sense I can’t conceptualize masculinity when it solely exists in my head as form of protection.

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#79

Well I know where quitting Ascension gets me so we’re not doing that. But I have to work out what’s got me holding such a strong aversion to Ascension.

#80

Ever tried/considered CWON?

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