I’ll have to take a look. I’m very conflicted at the moment. Might be recon popping up making me want to switch. Thanks for the suggestion though.
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Anyone reading my journal, you’re about to encounter some weird stuff. But I’m learning how to communicate with other parts of me so we can all work together to achieve a goal.
After a lengthy discussion internally with a part that serves as a gatekeeper to basically the realm of my deeper subconscious, I’ve decided to discontinue Ascension for now. He was saying I have traumatized parts who aren’t ready for that type of growth. It was very insistent that I need to stop pushing for this because I’m upsetting an already very delicate balance. If I continue I’ll only be causing myself pain.
Truthfully I got hit really hard this past week with suicidal feelings. I think I just put my system into disarray and that was the response. These types of reactions are basically a kill switch for me. Something did not sit well.
So this is where it gets tricky. Even though ZP scripting gives you the option not to follow the script, there are still parts that will execute it out of obligation or fight or flight. My over the top aggression on Ascension is a result of a part working double time trying to drag everyone else along at all costs. It’s gotten me out of shit in my life, but it’s not sustainable or healthy.
All in all I’m trying to honor internal requests more and work with them. It can be tough because not everyone is on the same page and it feels like running away. But the lack of communication between all of them is what causes the internal tug of war feeling. Especially with more bold titles like Ascension.
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Kind of went full circle with this journal, typical of me.
Decided the new subs I’m in it for the long haul with will be LBFH and Ultimate Artist. LBFH seems to have the benefits of Sanguine but with an added love boost to it which is much needed. And Ultimate Artist, well I’m never not thinking about how to write music and express my creative side more so it makes sense. I’m already actively doing that as well so there’s action there to capitalize on. It’s also there to nourish the part of me that needs more freedom and joy in life, I haven’t been able to sit down and enjoy anything for a while now.
Aside from that I’m trying to keep things as calm as possible and working on healing some stuff/growing at the same time.
Last night I had a dream about people criticizing me because I was too weak to keep going with Ascension. The real weakness is and always has been thinking I could just shove everything aside and bulldoze through without tending to my emotional wounds.
I’m surviving but I’m not living. That’s as simply put as I can get it. I’m working on changing that. It’s tempting to think “oh once this happens I’ll feel better”. But I’ve been alive long enough to realize now that wherever I go, whatever I do, it’s me not the situations around me. Old unresolved pain from the past always surfaces in some way.
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LBFH has me feeling more open and less guilty for everything I’ve been struggling with. Still been a rollercoaster though.
Long story short I had a chat with my older brother today and he confirmed with me some things from my childhood weren’t false memories conjured up by my imagination.
I’m currently going through some real wtf levels of uncovering the past and healing from it. We’re just at the tip of the iceberg too.
Whatever anyone says, I just don’t think you can remain blind to your past and grow as an individual. That’s what I tried for years. You see results here and there, but it’s not whole.
Your current behaviors and habits are a direct reflection of your past, that’s undeniable. If something isn’t working right it’s not the symptom (behavior) you have to address. Took me a long time to understand that. Really understand it, beyond the intellectual level.
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Haven’t listened to my stack for about 3 days. Still on the 30s loops, still processing stuff. Still resting, not feeling comfortable enough to dive back in. The thing with LBFH is it keeps going, even when you stop. So if it digs something up you have to deal with it doesn’t make sense to listen to another loop and add more work on top.
30s still seems plenty strong to me honestly. I don’t even notice much of a difference except with 3 minute loops I’m more tired and fatigued the remainder of the week. And depending on what I’m dealing with I can listen more frequently with the 30s.
Music inspiration coming back. Hit a bit of a lull there. Trying to work on tiny projects where I can flex my creative muscle but but overwhelm myself. I have a track I’ve been sitting on, I might just release it. It’s getting to that point where I just open it up, listen, think I need to change something but actually don’t, then just start stressing over my capabilities as a musician.
What have you noticed about taking more rest days versus fewer rest days?
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So it’s been a tricky balance. Too many rest days and I lose the momentum of positivity/stability. Too few rest days and I head straight for burnout.
I haven’t quite nailed a good balance for myself yet.
How I’m feeling right now. I don’t feel like rising to a challenge. Or going through Herculean trials. I’m just tired. I want to feel ok. I want to feel like I’m not one step away from homelessness all the time, like my time on earth isn’t being squandered, that my connections with people are deep and fulfilling vs shallow and avoidant.
Maybe I’m running, maybe I’m scared. I can’t really tell whats good for me anymore. I just know running Ascension was very concerning for me.
I think I’m still at the ground floor. LBFH still has to build me up enough to the point where the challenges of Ascension seem more doable.
There’s always been an aggressive warrior like drive in me to push past things. But what I’m realizing now is I was just aggressively disowning parts of me that were emotionally underdeveloped as well. I’m facing those parts now and the previous tactics and coping mechanism aren’t there anymore. I’m transitioning into more openness and honesty with myself vs lying. But it’s uncomfortable because I have a part screaming “Weak! You’re weak! The only problem here is you, everything else is just excuses”.
I might have to drop off the forum for a bit. As much as I try to not compare myself with others, inevitably I make myself worse by reading journal entries of other people and lose sight of my own progress. Obviously I don’t want to be in my own echo chamber, but I have a lot of difficulties validating my own challenges.
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Understood.
What about loop times? I’ve been trying 3 minute loops 5 nights a week before sleep.
Also have you thought about doing 3 to 5 minutes of Sanguine two or three times per week?
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I’ve been on 3 minute loops for a while now actually. I don’t seem to be able to handle more than once a week though. Every time I try I just feel worse. That’s what led me to experimenting with the 30s loops. Even those I’m conservative with.
I thought about adding Sanguine. But I’m already at 2 titles so a third is gonna cause overexposure. I’ve tried three titles in the past but I can’t tolerate it. Maybe if I rotate Sanguine out with UA I could.
A lot of my best efforts to integrate the subs are failing on me lately and I’m feeling like shit. But I told myself to stick with LBFH. I’m willing to change my approach, but lately I can’t tell what’s best for me anymore.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong anymore or what I need.
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What are your thoughts about running Sanguine once a week, and UA every other week?
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I would be willing to try it out and see how I do. I think I need to change my approach as it hasn’t been too successful lately.
I keep thinking that relaxation would be important to your progress. What do you think?
Relaxation is very important. More specifically calming myself and self regulating. So I’d agree.
My dilemma is I’ve been working through things in therapy and it’s gotten really rough. So I don’t know if I need more focus on healing right now or support for the healing. I know UA seems out of place in the overall goal of healing, but I need a focus on something that will give me fulfillment in life and take the focus off pain.
Thanks for the input.
Have you tried Metta meditation? It is a kind of meditation that is focused primarily on loving kindness, and I find it that it immediately pulls me out of negative states. Also I use it together with something called 6R’s as a walking meditation to clear my mind from suffering whenever it arises. I do forget all the time, but I aim at making it a habitual thing that I do automatically when its needed.
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Never heard of it but I’ll check it out. Thanks for the recommendation.
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I get it. UA gives you a chance to focus on something other than “yuk”.
What do you think about Sanguine and UA once a week, and only listening to those 2?
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Will give it another shot. That’s how I started this journal and it was ok. I guess I got ambitious and hopped off Sanguine too early before I really solidified the changes. So a 3 minute loop for both Sanguine and UA once a week moving forward.
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I was really low these past few days, but I had my session with my therapist today and she reminded me how those low days come about.
We did some more parts work. I got in touch with another part and released some repressed emotions.
The key thing to take a way is that when I’m deep in emotional turmoil I’m blended with another part of me and operating from past pain or coping. It’s easy to get stuck there. She’s giving me the tools I need to communicate better.
I realized in today’s session the “for humanity” part in LBFH might have been throwing me into a tailspin because of a more reactive part that is very avoidant of people. The love filling? That was welcomed. Connecting with others? Not so much. Second time I’ve been on LBFH, second time this has popped up. Definitely not a coincidence.
I’m going to be more understanding of my needs moving forward and stop trying to push myself beyond what I’m ready for. It never works.