Sanguine ZP and Ultimate Artist ZP combo

New dedicated listening journey for myself here. I’ve been bouncing around subs lately and came to a few conclusions that have been hard for me to deal with, but I’m working around them. I was getting really upset that I once again fell into the nebulous goal of healing myself, but kept losing time in my life to inner emotional turmoil. Again my own inner awareness turned against me and magnified issues that shouldn’t have been impeding my life that much.

So what I’ve learned. I’ve kind of lost my ability to heal on my own. I don’t know if this is me coming to the realization of how much actual emotional baggage I hold or a subliminal manifestation basically telling me “doing this on your own is a bad idea”. But basically after reading through all my journals I very frequently hit a wall, a wall I struggle with because I can’t provide myself with the things I need to grow. I know that sounds controversial because the common wisdom is we all have the potential within is us to give ourselves everything we need, but I think there are limits. I end up in these loops I can’t break myself out of, it’s not until I go through a bit of a washout that I’m able to sort of compartmentalize again and regain some function.

Almost 3 years now I’ve been running these subs. I won’t say something as ridiculous as I haven’t changed, but there is a very consistent pattern in what I get stuck with. For me to just keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is foolish.

So the goal with this stack is first and foremost stability, safety, and getting to a point where I can enjoy life a bit more. Along with that enjoyment is allowing myself to create more music and engage in that without guilt. Yes guilt. I’ve realized that turns up a lot for me. Mostly in a “why are you making music right now? Your career prospects are terrible, your place is a mess, you’ve got other more important pressing things to worry about, we need to hold off on this for now”.

So I ask myself, if not now when is a good time? When I have a better job? When I have more money? When I have more time? When I feel better about myself? It’s never going to feel like the right time because the idea of a right time doesn’t exist. So instead of putting this off I’m making it the center focus of my life and everything else serves this.

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Maybe making music will be what heals you.

Sanguine + UA is a nice light stack.

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That is great I, like you, are guilty of waiting for the right moment. Life goes by too fast. Go for it! Cheers.

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I can feel myself orienting more towards a mentality of “hey music making IS a skill, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise”. For most of my life I’ve felt like I have no innate strengths that could aid me in life. But I’m seeing now they just weren’t developed because I was expected to be something else.

I think UA is needed to help me settle into this role of being an artist more. Understanding where my strengths are and let go of negative beliefs pertaining to needing to prove I’m worthwhile in other skills. I have a lot of insecurity about my intelligence or capabilities as a person, but I shouldn’t. At the end of the day it’s about having a fulfilling life for myself, not to please others.

The school system failed me. I’m still admittedly hung up on past experiences because of what I struggled with. I’ve actually come to realize that being pushed through that meat grinder of a system with a neurodivergent brain was traumatizing in a way because nothing ever felt good enough. And then coming out the other side into adulthood and realizing workplaces are just way too similar to the structure of school which is anxiety inducing.

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Lots to unload off my mind right now.

For most of my life I’ve gotten advice like “keep music a hobby, don’t let it get ruined by turning into a job” Or “find a job that isn’t too bad and just enjoy music on the side”. Or any other variety of advice that is firmly grounded in fear and trying to avoid failure.

I feel like I blinked and I’m 31 now. This job I have now sucks. It has put a strain on my relationships as I’ve become more distant. Which is a problem because my family is scattered right now with my older brother living across the country in California. I have trouble connecting, I can’t sleep, I don’t enjoy my hobbies, I am stuck in textbook depression. All I do is go to work, come home exhausted, try to make the most of my hours (usually fail), and go to bed anxious to continue the same cycle that’s been making me feel like I’m being robbed of my life.

My biggest issue is I have A LOT of apathy when it comes to most things in life. I mean shit I hardly get excited over anything unless it’s really something special. Nowadays that seems to be music gear. So I really clash when I end up in companies that have this vibe of “we’re the most important thing in your life now”. No, it’s a job get over yourselves. I’ll pull my weight, but don’t you dare expect emotional labor from me.

I’ve been on autopilot at this job for too long now. It’s only recently now that I’ve been seeing a therapist I understand how heavily dissociated I am and unhappy I really am. But for the sake of self preservation I just stuffed it down and powered through my routine.

I’ve been stuck in this hole for a while. The solution is to get another job, but my biggest issue is I just don’t trust people. I don’t want to chat about my weekend, what I’m doing, how things are going, etc. I don’t want you to know anything personal about me. I don’t want to build a relationship where I’m comfortable and then two days later you decide to throw me under the bus to save your own ass. I’m authentic, I always have been to a fault but I’m not gonna share that aspect of me in a work environment. So what happens is I don’t blend with company culture, it bites me in the ass. Luckily nobody seems to care here, but this is a challenge I fear in the future.

I don’t know how you’re supposed to feel in a workplace, but I’m on guard always. Maybe that’s my own hangups more than anything. I don’t really know. I’m just not built for this shit and I’ve passed the point of wanting to learn to integrate more into it. I guess from a really tribal view your “work colleagues” would actually be your immediate community and people you trust and have a bond with. Modern day work culture artificially simulates that with none of the authenticity. Maybe that’s what weirds me out about it and throws me off. It’s fake.

I’ve never been normal. I’ve been an outcast for most of my life. The friends I do have get me. Most other places don’t and I’m tired of wearing a mask. Idk maybe there’s a place out there for me, but a recurring pattern I’ve seen in my life is the thoughts, beliefs, and overall values I hold are not reflected in most businesses. I think my only route forward is leaning into my music more and seeing if I can turn that into secondary income so I’m not a complete slave to one company.

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I don’t think you ever shared your natal chart. But it seems like you have some interestingly diverse things going on. (Actually, I have a vague memory of your possibly having shared it at some point in the past. But I don’t really remember.)

I’m wondering if Aries or the 1st house are emphasized in there anywhere.

It’s the leader of the horoscope. And one thing I notice about this influence is that it’s most comfortable focusing on how it has contributed to or created a situation.

This can lead to a very focused perspective on things. ‘Eyes forward, locked on target’ kind of thing. But it can also lead to a sense of being trapped.

Like a ratchet gear that can only turn in one direction. “Either we stop or we go through. There’s no retreating.”

Anyway. I don’t even know if that’s in your chart. Either way, what I want to say is:

You have more options than you recognize.

You don’t need to believe that. You don’t need to analyze it or to ‘accept’ it.

It’s simply true.

That freedom is going to affect you whether you believe in it or not.

Trust in yourself.

Your deep self has great things in the works.

You don’t have to believe this. You don’t have to accept it.

There’s not some test or some challenge that you have to ‘pass’.

It’s just true.

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So I definitely did share it with you, but for the life of me I can’t figure out what post/thread it was in. So instead of driving myself nuts. One of these days I’ll learn more about analyzing these because i feel like it does have a lot of useful applications for me.

Chart

I’m realizing more and more people naturally don’t like when you step outside the lines. They try to unconsciously correct your path. I feel like for most of my life I’ve been herded into a way of living I’m not suited for. If I just followed that deeper self I would have been a lot better off.

You mentioning this is important because it reminds me that intuition is always ahead of the immediate surroundings. Learning to trust that can be the tough part. Hopefully with more runs of Sanguine I start cultivating that more.

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Listened to sanguine and UA yesterday. I feel really bad today. I might switch back to 3 minute loops vs 5. Luckily I have off today from work, but if I had to go in I’d be fighting to maintain any level of productivity today which would just stress me out and make me feel worse.

Still trying to figure out how to juggle self growth from the subs and maintain a more steady level of functioning. Not 100% sure if it’s overexposure for me or emotional difficulties.

I’ve gotten really good at ignoring my needs over the years. It’s gotten to the point where just because I can force myself to do something doesn’t mean I should. But I also can’t stand to not be moving forward in some way. The problem is when I feel paralyzed like today, but also incredibly restless so I’m caught in this middle point. I need to learn to take care of my own well being more instead of just detaching and then simultaneously criticizing myself for struggling with something.

When it comes to astrology, I’m still mainly intuitive and a student (in other words, I do not have this organized down to a science and I am not a master).

Nevertheless, we can see from your chart that the above statement is accurate.

You do have an important Aries placement. And your first house is very emphasized.

Your Aries placement is Mercury in the 11th House.

When it comes to astrological statements, here’s the basic principle: the Planet embodies a function. The Sign describes the style in which that function is performed. The House outlines the life context in which that function is primarily rooted.

Mercury embodies the function of Communication, Learning, Thinking, Experiencing, Processing Stimulation.
Aries, as mentioned above, describes the style of the Pioneer and the Warrior. No retreat, no defeat. Push, push, push.
The 11th House is the life context of one’s Path in life and one’s fellows, friends, and colleagues along that path.

So, we see a person here who learns, thinks, and communicates in a pioneering, determined, and brave way, and the focus of that learning and communication is centered around life path.

And I almost forgot to mention a very important part. Since the Planet here is in retrograde, it means that your function of Learning, Thinking, Commhnicating, and teaching is going to be largely introverted and turned towards Inward Processing. So you’ll be applying this warrior’s style in a very forceful way towards processing your inner experience.

A lot of power there, but you’ll have found that you need to learn to balance it, since it can get pretty intense.

But when we go to the First House, there is even more to see here.

The Houses correspond roughly to the Signs. So the First House can be seen as The House of Aries.

Just as Aries is the sign of the Warrior and the Pioneer, the First House is about the leading edge of how we face the world and interface with the world.

You may have heard the expressions, ‘The Rising Sign’ or ‘The Ascendant’. These are describing the First House. Your Rising Sign. The Sign of your First House, is Cancer. I think of Cancer as the sign of High Sensitivity, the Highly Sensitive Person.

In a way we can say that you are ‘aggressively sensitive’ or ‘forcefully sensitive’.

And this is emphasized by the fact that the planet Mars is located in your First House.

Mars is the planet of passion, of forcefulness, of warrior spirit, of assertion, competition, drivenness. If you’re following, you’ll notice that these qualities are very similar to Aries. And it’s widely acknowledged that there is a fundamental affinity and special relationship between the planet Mars and the sign Aries. (Traditionally, Mars is said to ‘rule’ Aries.).

Mars is also of special significance to men and to masculine people. As a man, Mars is going to tell us something about where the force, energy, and passion of your personality is directed. So it’s an important planet to understand for any man or masculine person.

Your Mars is in the First House (the ‘Aries’ House) and it’s in the sign of Cancer.

Your sensitive, exploratory nature is energized and driven by the force of the Warrior’s planet. Not only does this bring intensity and passion to your sensitive, inner exploration, but it also means that you can easily feel that you are in a war, a battle, or a contest when it comes to this aspect of yourself. You have what it takes to triumph, but you also need to own this perception, and to realize that some of these battles are self-created (just because your nature ‘likes’ to construct its perceptions in this way).

There’s also another challenging placement in the First House. You happen to have Chiron—the Wounded Healer—also in your First House.

Chiron tells the part of life in which we experience our fundamental Wound. A place where we feel overwhelmed, challenged, and hurt. Particularly in the earlier part of life, this is a place where we can easily experience a sensation of loss and defeat. A sense of being ‘one down’ or ‘put upon’. The wound of Chiron never completely heals. (You can read the myth of Chiron to understand more of this symbolism.). But don’t be fooled into thinking this is a loss. The ‘Wound’ of Chiron is where Wisdom and our capacity to bring Healing also enter our world.

Once we face our fear of the Wound and as we keep addressing it and seeking healing, we become wiser and wiser in this area. And it turns out to be one of the areas in which we can really spread and share healing to others.

So, you have a pretty significant 1st House. And it’s not a surprise that you often feel that ‘the problem is me’ (Chiron in the 1st House) or ‘people are out to get me’ or ‘people are against me’ (Mars in the 1st House).

These exact challenges will be the sources of some of your greatest learning, wisdom, and contributions.

Even though you have felt buffeted and blown about, you have never given up. You keep up the fight.

That fight will gradually become a celebration.

This is way too long.

Stopping here.

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Thanks a lot for taking the time to write that all out.

I’ll definitely have to reread this a couple of times to get a better feel.

It’s really odd because the other day I was thinking of this. I found myself beating myself up and being negative about everything I’ve had to deal with because none of it is external, it’s been hidden and very much an inner battle. But I stopped myself and instead of seeing it as inherent weakness I saw it as me overcoming challenges which helped me feel better. They can feel like a weakness solely because people who know nothing about those challenges speak as an authority on them.

Eventually I do want to return to Ascension. But what you’ve written here sheds light on a lot of the behaviors I have to balance out. And I think running Sanguine is a good way to cultivate that. I think like you said in a previous post, the tendency to get stuck one way is definitely there. Unfortunately on my previous runs of Ascension it kicked that warrior spirit into overdrive without a way to allow rest or deviations from the path. Also lots of anger, anything that was a perceived threat to my happiness was met with a lot of aggression. It was all very uncalibrated and wild. If I had a 100% clear path I could tear through it would have aided me, but it was all too unclear and muddied so a lot of misplaced anger and energy.

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UPS blew at my job today, just caught wind of it through an emergency text.

The battery was going bad in it which I was trying to schedule a service visit for. Nobody got back to me on it and I had off today so really I’m just like fuck it I don’t care.

I’ve been dealing with so much mental health stuff and trying to feel better, I’m just done caring about stuff like this or worrying about it. It’s not a hospital I work at, nothing here is life or death. Just lost profits. If you treated me well, compensated me and made my life easier, yeah you’d get a lot more loyalty. But I’m not gonna be jerked around just because I’m afraid of people’s perception of me as a worker.

People just want to sit from their social hierarchy of power and call out demands. But guess what? That throne you sit on? It’s make believe. You’re no different than a kid pretending he’s got a gun in his hand and shooting bad guys. It’s all a construct you’ve bought into and believe has an inherent power to it. Well I’ve got the power of belief too and you don’t hold power over me like that. Some of these jobs really are just grown adults power tripping and living out a fantasy roleplay.

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Going for 3 minute zp loops moving forward more consistently. It seems like 5 minute loops might still be a little too much for me to process. I’m hoping with less listening time I can be more consistent so I’m trying every other day.

I’m thinking back to when Saint recommended one loop during extended breaks to keep recon away. I’m starting to think that overexposure is just as bad as underexposure for me. Listening only once a week or having large gaps in listening seems to have the effect of not creating strong enough reinforcement to keep bad habits and mental loops at bay. So I think the key for me is having something that is consistent and keeps me on course, but doesn’t wipe me out.

It makes me wonder if different power levels of ZP would be beneficial. The stronger version for those with high flow factor who integrate it and add it to their lives easier. And then the less strong one that allows consistency without overexposure. I know sometimes when I listen to the subs it can take 2 or 3 days just to sort of unpack what I input into my head, but it can be a bit of a burden. So that’s why I’m avoiding 5 minute loops for now. I’m trying to cut down on that processing time by reducing input so it doesn’t effect my every day life as much.

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I ran Sanguine this morning which was a good call. At one point during the day the extension cord providing power to our switch rack burned out which caused a network outage. No panic, no worry, just calm. I had an attitude of “stuff happens, I’m going to deal with it as fast as I can without getting anxious about who needs me to finish”. I avoided the usual anxiety that comes with the pressure of fixing stuff fast.

Stayed late today to put everything back to the usual outlets. I don’t know what it is but people seem to feel better when you look panicked or rushed trying to figure things out as if that means you’re working harder. When you’re calm and collected they start to worry more. It’s the dumbest thing. Either way for most of my life I’ve dealt with anxiety, overwhelm, and panic. Those aren’t new situations for me so I guess when it happens to other people they short circuit, whereas it’s just another day for me. One upside to chronic anxiety throughout my life I guess, I’m a bit of a veteran in handling it.

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Getting closer to feeling comfortable with the concept of a life of an artist not struggling financially.

All this dread, existentialism, depression, etc. It’s all because I’m forcing myself to go through things that have been set as an expectation in my head. Things like office jobs being the only option, working a job you can tolerate and then enjoying things on the side, putting up with work stress because that’s what you do as an adult.

Basically yeah of course I feel terrible whenever I think about my future because I’ve been focusing on the ways I will be the most miserable and thinking that’s the only path that I have to fight through.

I think something that holds me back a lot from pursuing the music is the fact that I don’t have a lot of consistency. It gives me anxiety. If I can’t finish a song within a month, how could I expect myself to turn this into my life path? But I’m also slowly deconstructing the creative blocks that cause that. Doubt is a big one. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve reworked a section of a song to make it “better” but it wasn’t in line with my own creative expression. Sure it sounded right, but I was no longer attached to it. It’s weird I don’t have a strong abilities discern from ideas I’d like to change out of preference vs ideas I’m changing out of insecurity. Maybe I over think the whole process like everything else in my life because I don’t trust myself and don’t allow free expression.

Going through the sanguine description. These two really stuck out for me

  • Trust yourself more and more, until finally you trust yourself to such a level that all your goals are within your grasp.
  • Become happier, more joyful, relaxed, appreciative and free – with calm and stoicism come mastery and freedom of expression.

I overlooked Sanguine a bit because I saw it as more calm in the storm. But really there’s a lot of internal building here. Trust is the foundation I never built for myself. This is most definitely the right sub for me.

I’m also still making progress with therapy. It’s been tricky, but my therapist is light years beyond what I anticipated. When I go into detail about a behavior or pattern she’s able to ask the right question to get me to really dig deeper.

Today’s session I started describing my internal world and some challenges I face and she got very interested in exploring it more using IFS. It’s just been a lot easier on me not beating my head against a wall trying to figure out this stuff on my own. I just show up with all my insights and how I struggle and she helps me figure out how to move past them.

And what I really like about this is I’m not just getting better or improving so I can continue to do what I’m currently doing in life. She wants to help me completely redefine how I live it, no limits. And it’s so relieving to have someone on my side that understands it’s not about just “becoming more functional”, it’s about defining what you want and making it happen.

There’s definitely a difference between improvements, but stuck inside the same box vs stepping out of that box and doing something completely different. The first one I’ve done for years now and it’s helped but it hasn’t gotten me to where I truly want to be.

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Another day running Sanguine in the morning. To be honest I thought I would miss out on the confidence of Ascension but this sub helps you look after yourself too. What I mean by that is standing up for your values, beliefs, and own emotional well being. Putting yourself first.

My journey in life so far has been interesting. It definitely feels like there are compartmentalized pieces of me that get healing, but some of them I can’t reach yet. Sanguine is helping set the foundation so I have more courage to go into those parts of me.

I’m not gonna lie, getting up every day is still a struggle. But there’s definitely a growing sense of hope there that it doesn’t have to be this way.

Relationships with people is still my biggest fear and roadblock though.

When you live with something long enough you get used to the pain. That goes for physical and mental. I’m unpacking a lot of that now.

I might consider building out a custom with Sanguine and stacking UA. But for now let me work with this and see how far I get

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Even though I’ve been doing better on Sanguine and UA, part of me is like “no we have to do more, we have to make up for all that lost time in the past, go back to Ascension, build a custom, etc.”

One of the big things I’m reconciling with is this. A lot of how our lives unfolded was pure chance. Who our parents were, our temperament, any potential neurodiversity, if anyone got us help, hell something like our natal chart kind of pre-determines how things unfold. It’s all flexible, nothing is set in stone. But for me I woke up one day and thought to myself “shit, well I have to build myself up from the ground floor”.

I’m gonna be honest, I’m not dealing with it well. It’s like you want to be somewhere but you can’t be there because you aren’t ready. This might be the impulsiveness from ADHD. When you want something you REALLY want it and it needs to be here now and all the other potential stuff that might need to be addressed is ignored. So you rush through the internal growth and get a result like I got, massive recon and an inability to move forward on a title like Ascension.

I’m thinking back to some of the stuff I read with Neville Goddard. Particularly his revision exercises. I think that one is overlooked. But the ART session I’m going to be having this week does something similar. Takes memories, removes the emotional charge, and overlays a new positive experience over the top. We’re actually doing a revision of my current pattern in life which I’ve been stuck in and then going back from there. It’s going to be some really deep diving into stuff. I’m kind of upset that I haven’t been able to fix all this on my own over the years but it is what it is. As much as the subs have helped me I’ve recognized and come to terms that my issues are much bigger to deal with.

The other thing I’m learning about memories is how memory recall is really a memory of a memory. Which means depending on your current state of mind you can remember a memory wrong and then future recall brings up that same emotional state linked to the memory. In theory if we can break the cycle of self referencing bad memories, it should free us to approach the future with an unbiased decision making. That’s sort of the goal of Accelerated Resolution Therapy. I’m hopeful, it makes sense. As more and more research is being done and new methodologies come to light it’s increasingly more apparent that emotional release, behavioral improvement, and reducing symptoms is not about digging up the past and understanding it. It only needs to be unearthed enough so you’re aware it’s there to be worked on. There’s a careful balance of acknowledgement, but forward thinking. I’ve found a lot of people swing towards one direction or the other. Outright dismissal of the past or being stuck in it, sometimes alternating.

We aren’t there yet, but we’re getting there. Understanding how to help people, actually help them. Not just slap a bandaid over their wounds to get them back to productivity.

One thing my therapist told me and is painfully obvious in all my journals. Intellectualizing, analyzing, dissecting, etc. takes us further from processing our actual emotions. That one hit hard. That’s my defense mechanism, that’s how I make sense of things, that’s how I get away from feeling.

I’m also dealing with MASSIVE amounts of insecurity regarding my place in this world. I think it’s just the “smart” expectation placed on me as a kid. I do a lot of dumb shit to be honest, but then I also have really thought provoking insights so yeah. That duality gets to me sometimes . Again a common theme in ADHD, so maybe it’s that. Would be nice if I just didn’t have that weight on my shoulders all the time. But I guess in order to do that you have to have intrinsic self worth which I’m learning I kind of don’t have. If I did why would I rely on these external concepts so heavily?

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Part of UA has me learning more about talented musicians. I would like to get more people in my circle, but like I’ve said before I struggle a lot with any kind of relationship. So I kind of align myself with that world reading about artists I respect and watching interviews.

I think the one thing a lot of these artists have in common is they have a vision or this center of creativity that just needs to be refined more. I feel that in myself. I feel like I have a voice musically that wants to manifest, but my current skillset doesn’t allow it to come forward.

One limiting belief I’m connecting to my music is since it’s a form of expression it’s innately tied to emotional validation as well. I find myself being withdrawn with what I want to express. What’s really wild is even if I never intend to release it into the world there’s still a block there. What do I really want to say without fear of judgement?

My musical journey and self growth are two sides of the same coin. Looking back on my life I always tried to transcend my emotional world in order to avoid creating music tainted by cliches or themes I’d get stuck in. Same deal with my own self growth, thinking I could just step over stuff and call it a day, compartmentalize the parts I don’t like and just focus on the ones I do. That does not make good art.

It’s a lot. Deep down wanting to be seen, but simultaneously wanting to avoid it at all costs. I think when I get into IFS therapy with my therapist a lot of this is going to make a lot more sense.

Going to return to my piano course I was never able to finish. I would really like to build up my playing just a bit so I’m free to improvise or write longer arrangements. Right now I spend too much time getting a loop working, but I have to work within such a narrow timeframe because my dexterity and stamina isn’t there.

In addition to that I would like to start working on live performance using the MPC. I think there’s a ton of benefit to capturing a live performance in electronic music vs a carefully laid out sequence. They both have their place, but when I look back to the early pioneers they really borrowed from dub heavily. There’s something about letting the music organically move its own way live that captures the spirit of electronic dance music. It will also help me stay away from obsessing on perfection and trying to get it all 100% right.

All that being said, my whole songwriting process is definitely still choked. Building one idea into a full song is my weakness. I think it’s because I have so many ideas and it’s hard to just stick to something consistent. So a lot of times I write sections that don’t match. Instead of trying to fight that need to veer off in different directions I’m trying to tame it. I like really out there off the wall stuff and music would be very boring if it stuck to predictable patterns. It’s just a question of “how do I link up all these ideas into a cohesive whole?”

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Still trying to establish the best ZP listening schedule for myself. So far what I’ve established. 3 minute loops are the best for me. It’s about pacing not rest. Meaning it’s more important for me to work under the threshold of overexposure vs passing that and needing to recover.

So my next pattern I’m going to work with is 3 minute loops with 2 days in between and see how that goes. It feels like one full day to process and the next day to deal with any recon. To me there’s a very different mechanism at play when switching from the more activated processing mode and then settling into the more emotional open ended one where things can start coming to the surface.

Every other day at 3 minute loops has been a lot better, but I think I can improve this for myself even more.

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