Sanguine ZP and Ultimate Artist ZP combo

Journals - Major Programs
#21

Had another session with my therapist today. Part of the ART sessions is to build your idealized life you want to live within the current context of your life. So basically changing all the current responses. I was brainstorming all week for this session. When she started to ask me more I realized how limited I am in terms of imagining a happier more fulfilling life. So we held off and just helped me conceptualize that a bit more.

So now this weekend I’m really gonna set some time aside and force myself to map out how I want my days to go. Basically we’re doing a rewrite of the recurring loop I’m in now. The goal isn’t bare minimum like I’m used to. It’s about building a life I’m actively engaged in and feel good about.

That’s such a foreign concept to me, but I’m hoping I can change it.

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#22

I find it really hard to legitimately feel I’m good enough as I am. I’m not saying the end goal is complacency and not changing, but to a certain extent the improvements have to be just that improvements. Not a radical redefining of self worth, if I take that approach and base my worth on how I interact with the world, what I achieve, who likes me, etc. I’m going to be miserable eventually when something doesn’t stack up. What I’m trying to say is anything on top of who I already am is a bonus, nothing more. That’s a hard lesson to internalize because we’re all flooded with the messages that we need to be something greater. Aspirations are good, but if you don’t have the foundation set you’re subject to the changing currents of your environment and how you fit within it.

All in all, don’t want to be here right now because right now is a lot of pain to deal with. Showing up in the world is difficult because of my conflicting and contradictory actions with interacting with people. I’ve realized this is a sore point for me, when the interactions become obligations or a performed act. It drains me, it reminds me I’ve still got a lot of subconscious defensive behavior I have to work through.

#23

I just realized between LBFH, UA, and Sanguine I haven’t taken a washout. I’m hitting about 18 days now so I’m probably beyond the 21.

So I’m going to washout for five days starting today maybe longer. I’ve lost a lot of my ability to carry out tasks lately. Today I’m trying to summon all my willpower to just get my apartment clean.

But this is what makes ZP tough for me because I’m going through a lot of other stuff with therapy right now. Last session I had we were talking about excitement in life or happiness and my life has just felt like such a void for a while now. And that kind of hit me hard. Having someone there telling me that life can be this enjoyable thing where you actually look forward to your days vs just trying to get through them is like if someone tried to convince me fairies exist. That’s how fictional it all seems to me. I know that’s not true, but that’s part of my challenge.

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#24

You posted your chart above and one thing screamed at me - you have a massive yod that connects both Venus and Moon with Neptune/Uranus.

Like @Malkuth said, your focus is inward together with the that very fated creative yod that feels very otherworldly. Your destiny seems to be so creative that it takes the collective to new alien places. So in a way you are already living your “purpose”.

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#25

This is the first time I’m hearing about a yod. That’s really interesting. Got some research to do now.

It’s funny because I was talking to someone the other day and I said I like creating music that makes you feel you’re in another world. My favorite part of writing music.

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#26

I think I’m gonna get a professional reading of my chart done. Something tells me there’s more here than I’m aware of.

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#27

Reading more about the yod in my chart. This kind of explains the constant push pull in me. Having this gnawing sensation and drive to get somewhere that I don’t actually know what it is but I have to. It’s only recently I slowed down and started taking care of myself more to balance out this intense drive. It was butting heads with the other aspects of me that were more wounded. The more I read about them I’m like “yeah that about lines up with my life so far”.

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#28

Today’s lesson while working on some music. Apparently I hold my breath when concentrating. So if I’m playing in a sequence or working with a particular difficult drum pattern I just don’t breathe enough.

Going to dedicate more awareness to relaxing during my music making sessions. I always come away from them feeling beat up and it’s probably because of all the stress I put myself under by forcing things too much

#29

Felt not so great today. I’m coming off of an extended weekend because i took the day off. The longer I’m away from my job the more sick I get when I think of going back to it. But today I finished a track that came together pretty easily for me. I was just messing around on my synth and one of the presets I was playing inspired me to write something.

I kind of just played whatever I felt like playing and if it sounded good I kept it. I usually have trouble doing that and second guess everything. There’s definitely still a lot of anxiety I have to let go of when it comes to songwriting. Feeling like I can do something “wrong” leads me to over analyze what I’m doing and then I end up making a track that works but isn’t really what I wanted to express.

The thing is I want to be aware of what sounds good, but that’'s just something that comes with experience. Trying to make sure something sounds good vs following my intuition is the fastest way to kill any enjoyment.

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#30

That was dope.

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#31

Thanks man. I’m trying to drill it into my head that finishing a song in a day is ok. If I could keep putting together tracks like and then let myself grow a little each time it would be way better than my current trend of sitting on 3 or 4 tracks and being too afraid to commit to ideas.

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#32

iterative creation.

my favorite.

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#33

Bought this today. I was looking for a nicer keybed to control my blofeld synth. This has aftertouch and it’s also got a ton of character to it. Lo-fi, futuristic/otherworldly. Looking forward to messing around with the sonic textures and see what it inspires.

https://www.vintagesynth.com/kawai/kawaik1.php

#34

Collecting quite a bit of gear. Still on my washout but it’s clear to me my attention has been shifted towards building out my own studio more.

I dropped about 230 on the K1. Which feels like a lot, but honestly I see it as an investment. It gets me more inspired to make music and gives me greater control of my blofeld synth.

#35

Had my first ART therapy session today. It was really interesting. Real time shifts in emotional state, powerful stuff. As we went through the issues, different ones branched off. The mind really is like a web.

Covered fear of losing myself/identity if I were to just drop all these troubling things. I learned that there’s more to explore about myself and that scared me. But we flipped it around into a potential enjoyable learning experience. I have more insight and awareness than I did when I was younger and can really develop myself more. So if a full identity was never really formed for me that’s ok, I can take the time to start learning who I really am and enjoy the process.

Tackled my every day anxiety and dread I’ve been dealing with for years now. I know I made some big shifts because I find it easier to visualize my day going well. Before it took a lot of effort, now it’s kind of like “ok yeah it can definitely go this way”.

Bumped into some childhood stuff we are saving for another session.

I think overall it went better than I anticipated and I was able to reduce the amount of discomfort I’ve been in. There are still some things I need to work through but this is the most of amount of genuine positivity without really trying I’ve had in a while.

It can be tough because I have that other anxiety of " what if this all goes away?" I’ve tried to fix things a lot in my life and everytime I didn’t get the outcome it made me lose hope more. But that’s definitely its own sort of trauma I’m learning to work through better.

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#36

I went car camping with some friends this weekend. In typical adult fashion we started talking about working, jobs, work life balance, bullshit obstacles, etc. My dissatisfaction with how you’re expected to live life and be ok with it grows daily. I’m coming to realize only a select amount of people will share my perspectives and understanding in how you get caught up in this maze of modern living. It seems to be entirely based on working and consuming. Big companies have a need to keep you consuming, and that consumption requires money so you work more.

So I’m sitting there and thinking to myself “I don’t want to do any of this”. What do I really want? Freedom more than anything. But throughout life you get told “oh that’s just how it is get used to it”. No. Just because the answer isn’t as obvious doesn’t mean the premise is wrong.

You don’t have to work at jobs that treat you like crap. You don’t have to spend all your time making someone else money. You don’t have to incur debt buying things you really don’t need. You don’t have to put your own passions and dreams aside as a more “mature and responsible” thing to do. So why do so many people do these things? Why do I do these things?

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#37

A realization I had today. As much as I tell myself failure doesn’t exist, it still does in my head. My life has been littered with constant attempts to turn it around and hitting a wall, falling behind, or completely disconnecting and avoiding. That’s why I don’t go for the hugely ambitious subs anymore for the time being. Sanguine has been working well for my internal focus on myself and my needs, while UA is helping me enjoy the aspect of my life I care about the most.

But I worry I’m not challenging myself enough. At the same time forcing myself into challenges I wasn’t ready for just destroyed my self esteem in the past. Or maybe I just need a break in my life. Maybe just holding down this job and enjoying my music on the side and living life is what I need right now while I figure things out. I’m not giving up, just taking some much needed mental health rest.

This goes back to the internal battle thing with my natal chart. Maybe a lesson to be learned here.

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#38

I guess when it comes to writing music my creative muscles for fleshing out full songs isn’t quite there. There’s always a really good core idea I like, but complementing that and expanding on it is insanely difficult for me.

In the world of music production you can do pretty much anything. But for me personally I find deviating too far from the initial idea causes lost momentum in the track.

I want to get to a point where tracks build organically, not from this position of “I need to make this a full song”. I think for now just continuing to write and focusing on relaxing in the process is important. It’s like learning any technique, you keep at it until what was once challenging becomes second nature which acts as a building block to help you reach even higher things.

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#39

I imagine that there might eventually be an even greater desperation in feeling completely satisfied.

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#40

Not sure if my mood plummeting today was due to Sanguine or UA. But I felt really sad today. I ran both of them last night and didn’t think it would hit me that hard.

UA is definitely a tough one to reconcile. Thoughts like “is this what I really want?, Can I even do this?”

The problem I have is I’m inconsistent. I can’t rely on myself to get things done. That really messes with me. The one thing I don’t have is trust in myself.