RESOLVE A New ZP Custom

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#253

Going to be swapping out Sanguine for the new Love Bomb title.

Over time I’ve hardened and shutdown a lot. There’s still a lot I’m trying to figure out with my own life. My reactions to things, my inability to continually care for myself, my lack of connection with everyone around me. Therapy is going to be a large part of that for me, but I know self love is an important thing overall.

This is in huge contrast to my last post here. But I see how the unresolved pain and trauma is what triggers these types of reactions. Interactions like that shouldn’t be that polarizing. It’s not about me toughening up or giving it back to people, it’s about learning to care for myself more.

Interestingly enough the idea of spreading love helps me feel more ok with generating it inside myself. I’m quick to help others over myself and while that can be exploited, in this case I think it will lead to more of a drive to help myself so I can help others in some small way.

3 Likes
#254

First A Love Bomb For Humanity comes out and now my therapy session I just attended converging on the same point, self-compassion. This is now my primary focus, too much synchronicity here to ignore. These are important concepts for my own self growth. But holy crap if this isn’t the most difficult thing to sit with and share with another person.

2 Likes
#255

One thing that has really helped me so far I learned from that therapy session was the concept of a grounding point in my body. We started with the ground itself and feeling my feet there. What was really interesting is that actually triggered massive anxiety in me. So we looked for something else and settled on my core and focusing on the breath moving in and out.

I learned quite a bit from her. My biggest takeaway was starting to understand how I was either 100 % in my body and overwhelmed or completely detached. But I’m starting to learn there are “safer” parts of my body to inhabit that I can go back to. From there I can dip my toes in and out of deeper layers without fear of getting stuck there.

It’s been really interesting. The body speaks in it’s own way and I’m learning to respect that more instead of expecting it to go along with what my mind says.

1 Like
#256

I’m feeling better. Sure my life isn’t where want it to be and I’m still struggling with things. But I can sit with myself, genuinely be within myself and not feel this crawling skin sensation of needing to escape. It’s one of those things where you read about self love and you’re like “yeah yeah, self love blah blah blah. But that won’t change all this other crap in my life I’m having problems with”. But it really does. When you start feeling secure you can make better decisions, every day stuff is more enjoyable, it doesn’t feel like the clock is counting down until your death.

It’s weird but I have this internal sense of being fractured. Like my energy within me is jagged and fragile. But running this sub feels like it’s starting to unify into a whole. It feels like sometimes these parts of me used to hijack my body and make me behave in ways I didn’t want. But I can sort of feel them more and it doesn’t feel like a fight but more like acceptance and acknowledgement.

With these subs I evolved. But something I’m becoming aware of more is I didn’t actually heal my underlying pain. For a large portion of my life I felt broken. Eventually I stopped repeating that story in my head and changed enough where that wasn’t my whole life. But it’s kind of like it just got pushed into the background? It’s still there and it still comes out from time to time.

Honestly I’m realizing deep down in my core I’m afraid to love in any capacity. Opening up to it is scary to me. But I’m welcoming it.

I’m also seeing how subs like Ascensions are less of radical shift in who I am and more like honing a blade. It takes who I am already and strengthens it. I understood that on an intellectual level but didn’t feel it emotionally. I haven’t run Ascension yet, I’m actually running Paragon alongside this sub. I want to be better physically and mentally.

2 Likes
#257

2nd therapist option was today. Currently in the process of deciding who to commit to. They were both really good, but I have to weigh things out for myself.

ALBFH manifestations recently. I went to go drop something off at my friend’s place yesterday and I wasn’t planning on staying. But we sat down and ended up talking about a lot. Had a real heart to heart and shared personal stuff with no filter. Just flowed naturally, like it was supposed to happen even though that wasn’t the intention at all when I got there.

A girl I work with at my job has started randomly venting to me about her struggles. I know how absolutely hectic this company gets, I felt compassion for her. I kind of always had that vibe that got people to open up to me, but I definitely shut it down. Seems ALBFH is opening it back up.

Music. Yes. It’s getting easier to just write for the joy of writing. Like right now my focus is kind of atrophied so I can’t write fully fleshed out songs. But I don’t feel as bad about it and I don’t feel anxious that I’m not “writing real songs”. I’m working up to that which is ok, it doesn’t have to be right now.

2 Likes
#258

Gonna drop UA into the mix. How I’m feeling right now. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to fix myself to make this whole life thing work. Right now I’m taking time to look after myself. I’m naturally being drawn to express myself more on LBFH so I figured I might as well follow that path and introduce UA as well.

I don’t care about about status, money, being confident, or all the typical things I thought would bring happiness. Right now I just want to express myself and be free. I’m tired of feeling like I have to keep pushing myself to keep up with a life I almost don’t even care about. So if I’m gonna focus my energy it might as well be something I actually care about vs having some job drain me of it.

I’m understanding now why Ascension brought on so much recon for me. I just have preconceived notions of what that sub entails that trips me up every time I run it. I don’t think I’m ready for it yet. I think I have to build a closer relationship with myself before that sub makes sense to me.

Long story short, work on what I know I can. Right now that’s cultivating self love and expressing myself through music. That’s about all I’m capable of handling right now but I think that’s fine. I’ll make more progress that route vs trying to shove myself towards goals that are too far out.

4 Likes
#259

Going through something right now. I don’t know if it’s recon or what.

I hit a wall with my music, really hard. I was feeling good about it and what I was coming up with. But then one day things weren’t working so well and then I just started feeling like the whole thing wasn’t good. I tried to remind myself it was just the process of making music I should enjoy but the usual positive self talk didn’t do anything.

I started listening to The Music Lesson by Victor Wooten and watching some of his videos. That man understands music. I’ve been absorbing his wisdom as it relates to making music. Every time I listen to him, he restructures how I approach music and helps me keep it lighthearted which is much needed.

I’m realizing that a lot of my blocks to making music is fear. But he said something that really hit me hard. Paraphrasing a bit, but as long as we’re afraid of mistakes or making bad music, we don’t get as good as we could be. Essentially you can be afraid of not being good or making mistakes and spend a lot of energy avoiding it. Or you can embrace that experience and just understand that in time you’ll learn from those mistakes.

It really got me reflecting on my own life. Like why are mistakes such a perceived life and death situation for me? My body locks up, I freeze. It’s such a disproportionate response. I can sit here and tell myself mistakes are just a part of growth until the cows come home, but it doesn’t change my emotional response. And I know for certain how much I miss out on in my life because of this fear.

Just some more stuff I have to explore deeper. Feeling really overwhelmed with my life to be honest. LBFH is really opening me up, but it’s simultaneously triggering my deepest fears. I’m in a very push-pull dynamic right now between different parts of myself.

1 Like
#260

Wooten is amazing! I saw a video of him with a guitarist and he said something like “Play anything you want, and I’ll play my bass in a way that will make what you’re playing sound wrong.”

And he did. It was kind of funny, but he was making a point. (It starts about 10:29 where he makes the guitarist sound wrong.)

I realize you probably do electronic, but check out the demo here:

3 Likes
#261

That first video was great, brought a smile to my face. Wooten has such a powerful energy to him.

That neverending chord progression was really interesting. I’ll have to try that out. Would be perfect for some more ambient stuff that just drifts. I actually try to incorporate principles from live instruments or playing in band for a lot of my stuff so this is always helpful. Even if it’s not traditional instruments I find everything still has to speak to each other.

1 Like
#262

I’ve got so much fear built up in life. I still have to finalize my schedule with the new therapist. What’s really interesting is that when I went to see her I felt good and hopeful. But this past week I lost that a bit.

I don’t know it’s like there’s this feeling of dread when I strip back all the busy activities during my day. What’s really keeping me alive at this point? My weekends hit and since I’m not really obligated to do anything my body takes that as a sign to do the bare minimum. So really am I getting through my days ok during the week? Or am I pushing myself and not even realizing it?

I try to take care of myself, but I feel like I’m hindered by the fact I have to keep up with this work every day. It’s just really frustrating as an adult having to recover from all this but simultaneously juggle all these responsibilities. Responsibilities that quite honestly feel microscopic in importance compared to my own mental health, but everyone in this company would have me believe otherwise.

#263

The type of stuff I’m vibing to recently and want to get into creating more of. Break programming can get complicated real fast, 2 ways. One overdoing the chops and making things way too over the top and two not having enough variation. It’s definitely a skill making things sound energetic and rhythmic without losing the groove. You want to push boundaries but not get too caught up in complicated chopping for the sake of it.

#264

LBFH is the most difficult sub I’ve ever run. My first week I felt pretty good, but I think that’s because I was hitting surface level thoughts and beliefs about myself. This past week has been a huge struggle.

I’m gonna do my best to describe it but it might get messed up because honestly I don’t fully understand what’s going on. There’s a very practical part of me that interfaces with life and gets the job done. I can feel bad at times, but sometimes running a sub will get me to correct those feelings and thoughts. It can all seem ok, but underneath is another layer or self that’s not doing too great. It doesn’t fit in, doesn’t like itself, wants to isolate, avoid people, etc. These are almost two very distinct personalities. And I think I’m going to be learning more about that in therapy soon.

LBFH is getting to that deeper self and it’s a struggle. Now I’m facing emotions and problems that really point to my own disconnectedness in humanity. But I override this with that more practical self that sits on top. It’s safer to be disconnected, but it’s not rewarding in any way.

In short it’s not easy. I can’t just be like “I’m open to everyone!”. Part of me is not having that at all. Part of me is just purely reactive and can’t even entertain thoughts of being closer with people.

I kinda want to just apply Occam’s razor to all this psych stuff. But honestly the more I uncover about myself, the more I feel like I don’t have a clue what the hell is going on in this mind and it’s not simple. Everyone in my life would reduce my struggles to something simple though and it didn’t help me understand or work with it in a way that was healing

4 Likes
Sanguine ZP and Ultimate Artist ZP combo
#265

I think I might switch back to Sanguine for now. LBFH, I like the idea of it, but this self love thing is too painful to deal with head on. I’m going to go with a more “neutral” sub for now to just help me get by while I do the harder work with these therapy sessions. Still haven’t put UA in the mix yet, but I think I’ll be doing that soon.

LBFH did give me some positives, but ultimately it’s way too many things to tackle at once. Self love is incredibly hard and always has been, being open around other people as well. Smash those two together and I’ve got a highly anxiety inducing objective that I don’t think I’m comfortable with handling. I can’t be placing unnecessary burden on myself to open up to others as a flaw in my character that needs fixing. This is one of those subs where a part of me like “this is a beautiful idea” and another part is like “are you crazy?”

Ironically I think the most self loving thing I can do is not keep pursuing LBFH, so in that regard it’s clear it has had impact on me because in the past it was always “you have to push through this, it’s not that bad, don’t quit, etc”

The thing that trips me up with these subs sometimes is some of them state a whole “go at your own pace” thing, so I’d think I would be able to self regulate more? But it doesn’t seem to be the case. Not a criticism on the subs, just how I integrate them seems to be wonky. Which brings me back to a similar idea I had in the past, the underlying mechanism for processing and regulating emotions is out of wack and that’s what the subs rely upon a lot. The healthier your internal emotional regulation is, it seems like the easier time you would have with subs.

So really maybe my “go at my own pace” is figuring out an alternative subliminal and seeking outside assistance. Which is exactly what I’ve decided to do. I think the calm and peace I first got on LBFH might have been leaning more towards Sanguine style scripting anyway. That always tends to be immediate and the more emotional stuff is usually on a buffer, which is what I ran into this past week.

2 Likes
#266

How are you today?

#267

Doing better thanks. I ran Sanguine yesterday and it stabilized me a bit.

1 Like
#268

I’m doing a deep dive into my previous journals. Something I’ve been meaning to do but putting off. Mainly for two reasons. 1 is seeing what growth I’ve had and 2 see what recurring problems I’ve run into.

I was really articulate in the past ones, full of a lot of hope and insights and growth. I’ve lost a lot of that recently. I don’t know if it’s the strength of ZP or just uncovering things that I still had suppressed back then but nowadays I don’t have much to say.

Insights, epiphanies, all well and good if they are merged into action. If not they’re more intellectual reasoning to bypass emotional states.

I feel like I’m in this cycle of pain where I don’t have enough energy to make my life better, but I also don’t like what I’m doing. I took a long weekend this week by using two vacation days. I don’t want to go back there. Every fiber of my being is just absolutely revolted at the thought of returning.

I look back on the past 3 years running these subs and I’m upset and frustrated because I just want to be better. But it feels like no matter what I do I’m always coming up short. At least now I’m getting outside help and that’s probably going to help me work through all this. But it’s this feeling of “there’s nothing wrong here, yet everything is so wrong”.

When you realize this one barrier you were fighting to push past turns out to be a whole complex web of issues and emotional states that you ultimately needed to address, not ignore and push past. And it’s just like fuck man, I don’t have the time, energy, or support system for any of this I need to be a functioning adult now.

1 Like
#269

I feel you brother. You are not alone here.

Hang in there.

“Challenges are given to ordinary people to make them extraordinary”

At least you are moving forward centimeter by centimeter.

Don’t stop.

2 Likes
#270

Since I’m sort of hitting this low point I’m going to add UA with Sanguine today. I would rather channel all this into music vs get stuck analyzing it.

I can feel how I could channel it, but my issue is just not having the mental capacity to do it. A lot of that is emotional hangups around the process of creating in general. I know 100% that I would work with the goals of UA vs being reluctant like when I ran Ascension or AM.

A weird belief for me regarding music is that in order to create better music I have to not write how I feel. Very backwards. As if channeling my own feelings and states is somehow cliche or not thought out enough.

#271

Going to start a new journal, reading back some of these older ones it got confusing when I shifted subs. For the sake of consistency on future me

#272

Great! Very wise!

1 Like