So I gave Sanguine a shot at 15 minutes today, very hesitantly. It’s also the 320kbps version so there’s that to factor in as well.
At about the 3 minute mark I started getting uneasy. But I found myself calming down. It was like a back and forth between experiencing difficult emotions and returning to safety. So I decided to continue.
After I hit the 5 minute mark I felt like I should turn it off. But I checked in with myself. Has the anxiety gotten worse? Is this unbearable and am I re-traumatizing myself? The answer was no so I continued.
I hit the 7 minute mark. At this point I’m realizing how avoidant I’ve been with my own internal state in general. I wanted to heal and be more connected, but I didn’t actually want to connect with what I felt.
The remainder of my listen was fine. It moved up and down in intensity, never becoming too much. I felt like I could come in and out of these emotional experiences without worrying about getting stuck or pulling up too much. The combination of feeling this internal sense of safety and the feeling of processing my emotions was very foreign to me. Normally feeling that vulnerable, even alone, feels like a dangerous thing and I couldn’t access it.
So now we wait and see how the rest of the 15 minutes is unpacked over the course of the week.
Maybe it’s my prior runs of healing subs or just my overall relentless quest to feel better in life. But it does feel like there’s two very significant parts to advancing. One is creating safety for myself, if I don’t feel safe I’m stuck in fight or flight and essentially frozen in time. 90% of anything that pushes me forward or hits a sore spot isn’t gonna go well. Two is the healing itself which I know there’s a lot to unpack there. But it’s important I have something to fall back on when the difficult stuff comes up. I mistakenly thought I needed this to be external with the alpha title, you know confidence, being in the world more, that kind of thing. But I realize it’s internal security now. In fact the strong pull towards Ascension was born out of a fight response which explains my near constant agression and anger while running that title, I wasn’t focusing on the right thing. I knew I wasn’t doing too well prior to running sanguine but it is highlighting how utterly panicked I am moment to moment for no rational reason. Well no perceivable rational reason. I think deep down this all stems from a Disorganized Attachment style due to events that unfolded in my childhood.
For most of my life I kind of just ran through a checkbox for doing things. It didn’t really ever occur to me that I wasn’t making these decisions through my own internal system. I had to override it, I had to ignore it, otherwise what did I do? Just hide away in my room. But I got all the pats on the back for “doing so much better” and the worst part is that fueled the internal invalidation of “maybe it’s not too bad, maybe I’m exaggerating, maybe I just have to keep pushing”. The problem with overriding the internal system, you lose your capacity to follow your own intuition for the positive things that would connect you more in life. You don’t really have strong opinions or perspectives on things because you’ve learned to deny a lot, to not have a meaningful relationship with that internal part of you that is you at your full expression.
Gonna stop there before I write a novel, but as I was typing that out I could feel Sanguine cultivating some of those insights.
