RESOLVE A New ZP Custom

So I named this one RESOLVE. The definition of resolve is a firm determination to do something. I feel that’s where I’m at in life. No more excuses, no more comfort zones, no more settling, and no more limitations. The custom I ordered. I’m going to run this once I’m done with a 5 day rest off Ascension ZP. But for now this is all hype for myself and to make it more real.

Ascended Mogul Core
Ultimate artist Core

Music modules
Ultimate music producer
The spotlight
Trailblazer
Virtuoso di Musica
Gloryseeker

General result enhancers
Omnidimensional
Potentiator
Unlimiter
Current Invoker
Yggdrasil
Naturalizer
Mosaic
Overdrive
Furious Ascent
Natural Winner
Rogue
Fearsome
Codename: Umbra

I don’t know how this is gonna work out for me. But I’m committing to it. This is my final showdown, every fear, doubt, and limitation is going to be challenged and overcome. I can’t promise myself a guaranteed outcome, but I can promise myself I won’t give up.

Deep down I feel like none of this is possible and that it’s all wishful thinking .But that’s the mentality I’m looking to crush to get to where I want to be in life.

This journal also serves as accountability for myself to continue to push for these goals and not slide back into fear fueled comfort zones. The world is an unstable place right now, but I still have to make the most of my life.

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This is awsome congrats!!! I will be following

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Haven’t started this custom yet, I’m just coasting on Ascension ZP at the moment.

I’ve just been apartment hunting and oh boy what a rollercoaster of emotions. Between probably not making enough at my job, not having confidence in my skillset, and the rising cost of living it’s a perfect storm of anxiety.

But I’m going to visit a place today that I hope I get. It’s in an area with more of a town feel with access to things in walking distance. I think employment opportunities are better there too. But I still have my current job I’ll be commuting to.

Really the in between state of not living here anymore and not having something secured is very unnerving. And then having to focus at my job on top of all of it while making sure I get in applications fast has been a challenge.

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Visit went well. Nice area and people were friendly. Just waiting to see if they offer it to me. Going to be running over that lease agreement with a fine tooth comb if they contact me. One of my weaknesses is I’m actually horrible at evaluating people based on gut instinct because fear has existed around people for as long as I can remember. So I’ve constantly been manually overriding that for most my life. It’s like if a fire alarm went off all the time and you just ignored it or shut it off. Then when there’s an actual fire you land yourself into trouble because it didn’t serve its purpose. So for that reason I’m glad I included Fearsome in this custom, that will act as a sort of guardian for me when I can’t consciously evaluate things well.

Cleaning my place today. It’s a disaster. Nothing kills my energy faster than cleaning. I swear at this point in my life I could go 10 5 minute rounds on a heavy bag and I’d still have more energy left over than attempting to clean my whole apartment. This is of course my ADHD.

But my custom arrived yesterday. Listened this morning. Going to go the 5 minute loop route every other day and see how I feel. First thing I noticed running it, no emotional reactions. I don’t know if that was just because it was new or maybe when I ran it. But usually I can feel some internal reaction to the scripting while listening. There was no pushback from my subconscious. Never had that before.

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Taking a break from cleaning to get some thoughts down.

One thing I’d like to change with writing music is not having the process be so damn fragile. I know right now it’s really difficult because I’m halfway between moving and kind of shaking up my stability. But why the hell can’t I still make stuff? I don’t write nearly enough, its like I get a few windows and it sucks. I honestly don’t believe in the creative muse and getting swept away by ideas and letting things come to you. Tried that in the past, just resulted in me not making progress.

I’m also not too fond of the advice thrown around sometimes to keep music fun only and a hobby. That’s not a good solution to me if you want something more. It can get hard and frustrating, but working through that is more valuable than avoiding that work by only expecting things to be fun. I would rather have the skill and tenacity to push past frustrating sticking points and challenge myself vs being overly laid-back and trying to keep music “fun”.

In the end it boils down to what you want. I know what I want and I’m not going to let people discourage me. Clearly deep down these are my goals and ambitions, otherwise why would I drop almost 300 on this new custom? Now it’s just a matter of continuing forward and not letting the doubts and fear derail me to something “safer”

Got the apartment I wanted. Just have to sign the lease. Its probably bad that I expect everything to blow up any second now and disappoint me. Honestly I just don’t expect a lot of good things to happen in my life without some little gotcha in there.

But I’m hoping this move brings some good things to my life. I’m moving to a more lively town with a more artistic community. It’s also got some really nice hiking location near by. I’m hoping this change breaks the cycle I get stuck in at my current place. It’s just a depressing area here for me and I don’t resonate with it.

Music gear is getting packed up so all that’s on hold. Maybe when I settle in I’ll be more inspired.

Other than that I’ve been thinking about my job and how I’m going to be squeezing by with rent and all my expenses. At one point in my apartment searching I was looking at more dangerous areas to live because it was more affordable. But then I stopped and told myself that’s bs. The fact that this job wants my blood sweat and tears but they’d be content with seeing me in an area with higher rates of crime and worse living conditions is unacceptable.

My current pay may have been good 6-10 years ago, but that’s not the case now with rising costs. So I’m not gonna act like this company is doing me a huge favor. I’m not gonna feel guilty for wanting more money. My goal financially from this point forward is to be comfortable. I’m not gonna put an artificial limit on how much I make under the assumption “I should be happy I’m getting paid at least this much”. People are sometimes dicks about money. They try to guilt you into accepting less. No more of that.

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Congratulations on the apartment!

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The biggest lie I ever learned was how I don’t have power over my own life. I’m slowly aligning with the belief that I do. I think once again when you’ve led a life where this is rarely demonstrated or experienced through your own perception, it’s harder to believe it. Basically I’m learning a new skill here so of course it’s going to feel shaky or foreign.

This is always the hardest part for me with foundation building. There’s no evidence in the past to fall back on. That doesn’t make it impossible, but I’m basically constructing an entirely new reality for myself from the ground up. So there’s a tendency for it to feel “not real” if that makes any sense.

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Great insight. Thank you for sharing.

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I think you’re building a muscle called “Trust in Myself”. It takes time and there are ups and there are downs, but overall that muscle is getting stronger and stronger.

And as it gets stronger, some of these questions will disappear. Not because they will have been ‘answered’ per se, but because the entire view of the situation will have shifted.

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Just a random thing happened the other day. A girl that I work with pretty much asked me if I used social media and then looked for me on there. Sounds like the spotlight module to me. Absolutely nothing prompted this, I’ve honestly never experienced a manifestation that point blank.

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Pushing vs allowing. Something I’m learning. There’s a time and place to push for what you want, but it’s not the whole picture. More important is allowing, what you feel you deserve, what you let into your life. You can push all you want, but if there’s a part of you that says no you won’t get it. And I don’t mean doubts or fears, I’m talking deep self worth assumptions about yourself. I’m focusing more on allowing things into my life vs chasing them. The barrier doesn’t seem to be the external to me because I see the external for what it is, a reflection of the internal. As things get better for my life I expect there to be more discomfort and a feeling of wanting to destroy it due to the disconnect between what I deserve vs what I manifest. It’s messed up.

On that note I’m getting more and more discontent with the lifestyle I’m currently in. Nothing brings up more existential dread for me than commuting to a job to sit behind a desk for 8 hours doing things I have no attachment to or investment in. Some people might be ok with this, but not me. And nobody has the right to tell me that I need to “get used to it”. Years of guilt because I just thought I was some immature dreamer that didn’t want to face the “real world”. I want bigger things out of my life, I’m not gonna let people drag me down with their “real world” lectures.

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Sometimes I feel like I have wisdom and sometimes I feel like I have no business saying the things I do. I think it’s hard to have understanding and growth when the thing you want isn’t present in your life. The path of “becoming” vs “being”.

I don’t know how to articulate it any better than that. It does seem like this is trust issues with myself. You have to have trust in your decisions and intuition. Sometimes those come before the major growth. If for every life challenge we could look back on a situation and know exactly what to do and how to do it I guess those wouldn’t actually be challenges.

But it does make me ponder things. How much of this does need to be a challenge? What things can I make easier for myself vs expecting hardship and struggle? Or rather why is there a strong expectation of things being difficult or painful for almost everything. Is this helping or hurting me? Why do I feel having things “easy” is bad? There’s some assumptions here about reality that are in all likelihood just projections of deeper beliefs. What makes them feel any more true than something else is just my lived in experiences.

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Today was rough. Just a bunch of anxiety being around people at my office. One more thing I have to be on top of that drains my energy.

I just don’t think I thrive in environments like this. Like I don’t need it in my life, at all. It’s just annoying that it’s expected of people. Like this is the gold star standard in life and jobs. What if I just want to see people on my terms? Screw being thrust into it every day out of obligation.

I don’t know if I have anxiety because it’s incredibly exhausting having to mask how I’m feeling or if there’s still insecurity there that needs to be resolved so it’s easier to do. But honestly I think it’s the first. When I keep questioning things why am I here? Why am I doing this? Why am I giving my energy away to this thing? It all makes less and less sense and seems like an obligation I got roped into that doesn’t do much for me.

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I have to get this down. One of my biggest fears for most of my life has been ending up homeless and dead. This stems from the great difficulty I’ve had my entire life just maintaining most aspects of my life. The biggest struggle with ADHD is under stress the ADHD gets worse, planning is difficult, sustained attention is difficult, every day functioning is impaired which leads to more stress because things don’t get done. I can’t explain how frustrating it is in words to lack the mental energy to do things. Some days I run on stress and anxiety to get my body to move. Lack of sufficient stimulation in my environment can be just as overwhelming as too much.

I’m mentioning this because the past few years I’ve taken steps to handling more stuff. In my early 20s I could barely leave my house, that’s not an exaggeration. Now I’m fully employed and surviving on my own. But I feel like I’m walking a tightrope every day.

My earlier plans with subs stemmed around creating more security and safety for myself. But with this new custom the goal is to not need a comfort zone anymore. But it’s been really tough so far. I’m going against my own survival instinct that I’ve cultivated for years.

Let me just put it this way, and this probably stems from being an INFP. I make judgement by feeling a lot. Sometimes things feel good but they aren’t good for me. A regular job, routine, non-risk taking life feels like a good safe option. But I know from experience being in something like that makes me agitated, I become resentful of this comfort cage I put myself in. It’s not enough. But I’m drawn to it because it doesn’t trigger my deeper fears. But it’s not fulfilling enough.

This is about a week of my custom so far. There’s a definitive shift but I’m not handling it as well as I like.

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Just gonna keep posting as things come to mind so I can track this stuff.

So I have AM in my custom. Am I aligned with the archetype of AM? Absolutely, I want that confidence and power to direct my life. But I’ve got my pain points. It’s hard for me to align with that archetype because in all honesty most of the time I feel more like a scared child. There’s always a feeling like “you’re never gonna be that confident, never going to get respect from people, they’re always going to see you as the incoherent, weird, nervous guy”. I used to say “ok guess that’s just me, I’m gonna just be the weird dude that stumbles over his words and has trouble conversing fluently”. But I don’t want that.

I guess it’s just hard to hold that frame when you notice really obvious things the exact opposite in your life. You know how many times I drive into work feeling this surge of confidence and then later on in the day feel like a fool? Someone talks to me face to face about some problem they need to figure out and my brain is the equivalent of a buffer of a video on a 56k modem. First I barely process what they just said and then I have to try to figure out how to accurately respond to something where 50% of the info went in one ear and out the other. And I can either talk without looking at someone or look at them and have trouble with fluency I can’t do both. I honestly think my brain fires off and interprets non verbal cues in the person I’m talking to but I can’t hold that information and construct sentences for conversation at the same time. It could just be anxiety but I don’t really know. All I know is I find it hard to be confident when I don’t even appear confident to others based on my behavior.

Guess this is why I want to be a successful musician tucked away from normalcy. I feel like I’m built to not even fit into more mainstream life.

Ok so zooming out this is one aspect of my life, but it doesn’t prevent forward momentum in what I want to do with my music. I have to remember that. More importantly all these little things are more of an issue when I give my power away and let what other people think of me dig into my self worth.

Where I am now is not a reflection of where I’ll be for the rest of my life. I am building confidence, I am improving myself, but I have to be very careful to not try to just throw away the old.

I’ve noticed things like my childhood and how I was in the past make me want to pretend none of it happened. But I’m trying to run again and escape unresolved feelings by trying to build an entirely different identity. This never works.

I think this is a really relevant thing with ZP. I enter it with this idea of where I’ll end up and who I’ll be, but sometimes those are ideals based on insecurity. The first week ZP slowly starts creeping up from behind. Things come to light, feelings, perspectives, deeper awareness of self, etc. The recon starts showing itself as me repressing or trying to push away deeper aspects of myself. As the influence of ZP gets stronger there’s a diminishing ability to hide.

I think this might be why sometimes starting a new sub is like this spark and I start off really bold, then a few days later hit a major wall. It’s not that I responded better to it in the beginning, it’s that it didn’t go down deep enough in my subconscious. So the first listen is actually now 7 days out, that’s working pretty far down now. The subsequent listens aren’t far behind and are catching what the first listen missed. So I think even though there’s a 5 day washout after 21 days you have to be mindful of that first listen.

Maybe a strategy for me in the future is one loop at the start of an entirely new program to sort of prep my mind and give an introduction to it.

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This is valuable.

I think it could be helpful to a lot of people.

Also for part of what you wrote, @Simon described a similar dynamic that he calls ‘The Trailer Effect’. The idea being that the initial exposure to a title gives your mind a kind of ‘movie trailer’ of the full effect that is to come later on. This is almost like an encouraging preview that helps you to stay engaged as the program is integrated into your life on a deeper level.

I find that a similar effect occurs for me all throughout my life because of the significance of intuition in my temperament. My actual life is usually following behind my intuitions at anywhere from a several week to several years lead time. :money_mouth_face: Sometimes it makes you feel like the Greek Cassandra.

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It’s cool this is an actual observed thing with ZP. Definitely shows how different these subs are to anything else out there.

This is really interesting. Do you find that lead time is more due to not being fully aligned with intuition? Intuition for me is a really wishy washy thing, despite over the years it end up being right. I’ve only had a handful of times where I was very firm in my decision based on intuition alone.

Keep up the good work! :+1:

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