Sharing another thing here.
Listening to this wise person talk right now.
She’s making points that I think may be appreciated by you too.
1 Like
Still questioning my ADHD diagnosis. My new therapist says trauma can mimic ADHD symptoms. We’ll see.
But I woke up this morning and told myself despite the chaos and level of disorganization in my life I will achieve what I want and live a happier life. There’s a lot of energy wasted trying to fit myself into a thinking and living style my brain just naturally doesn’t get along with. I’d do better taking that energy and building my life instead of wasting it trying to uphold this standard I’ve imposed on myself for levels of functioning.
1 Like
Been experimenting with volume again. I’m now listening at the lowest possible level where I can still hear the masked sub without trying too hard. I find it really interesting that a few dbs louder and I end up feeling more easily overexposed.
I might also try a listening test to see if I’m comfortable going beyond the 3 minutes. Finding the sweet spot hasn’t been easy. I’ve listened too quiet, too loud, too long, too frequently, etc. It’s definitely a balance of getting enough exposure for forward momentum without crippling me. I’ve also learned that not enough exposure will have me less likely to act. I don’t think that’s necessarily because it puts less pressure on me, I think it’s more like underexposure causes me to lose the advantages of having more consistent positive habits.
Overall less of a battle inside me lately. Trying to work with myself vs overcoming.
1 Like
Moved up to 5 minute loops, it seems I’m able to listen to that length comfortably now, might have pushed it to 7 with Sanguine today but I know 5 I’m good with. Part of me is like “you know what? Lets shake things up, lets get back on Ascension, lets power through, etc” Yes well that is ONE part of me. I can’t neglect the others which aren’t ready. This is exactly how I caused trouble for myself in the past, only seeing one aspect of myself and doubling down on it while ignoring the very real needs and consideration for the others.
My weakness isn’t in determination, discipline, or strength, it’s in self compassion and understanding. How I’m “supposed” to be as an adult is an expectation in my mind of someone who had their childhood line up perfectly. Now I’m learning that wasn’t the case and I have to do better to understand what I can do for myself. I’ve always felt I’m this or that, but the truth is I’m a bunch of things existing all at once which is where all the chaos comes from. Some things in direct opposition to each other and contradictory.
So there’s a feeling of “cmon lets go, lets get this life started” and another part that’s like “no”. It’s not a battle for who “wins”, it’s about meeting eye to eye and figuring out why they’re in opposition. I’ve been fighting an internal battle for too long now, one entirely unnecessary and inefficient but it’s all I’ve known.
Had my first IFS session yesterday. Totally wiped me out. But it got me thinking about my usage of subliminals.
If all the parts aren’t on board for the changes, they aren’t gonna happen. Sanguine every single part of me agrees. We all know more safety and calm is good. Ascension? Like kicking a hornets nest. It’s interesting how what I once labeled as a very broad fear is now showing up as separate parts to me each communicating needs/some fighting each other.
The important thing emphasized in the therapy is that no part is “wrong”. It’s fulfilling a role, sometimes that role gets out of control which causes issues. Very common thing that happened in the past was having a leader dragging everyone else for the ride which causes a cycle of fear, shame, anger, etc. Basically I’m upsetting the system that developed inside me to handle my life.
It’s definitely an odd thing. But when someone put words to the exact experiences that were unfolding inside of me it made a lot of sense.
Going to swap sanguine for LBFH and try this again. If it gets to be too much I’ll swap it back and continue to work on things my own way. Last time I ran it I really started falling apart. To the point I couldn’t compartmentalize it to function in my day to day.
But truthfully the world has been a dark place for me as of late and I want to do something to not get dragged into it. I can’t really do anything out there in the world. I’m not influential, I’m not wealthy, I don’t have answers. So all I can really try to do is rise above all this and maybe make a difference with my energy.
Very interesting. My previous experience with LBFH seems like the defensive mechanisms from IFS I’ve been learning about. So I think I have more tools right now to interact with these parts and keep moving forward.
For the first time in a while I ran ascension chamber. When it comes to things like energy or anything like that I prefer experiential knowledge. I don’t like following teachings or guidance because it has the effect of setting expectation how things should unfold which limits exploration.
I really haven’t used this one a lot and I probably should. Every time I run it I get these spontaneous visualizations which seem to connect me more.
Today’s visualizations. Basically energy running from the sky or above down through my head and energy from the ground up through my feet. The above energy seemed to be related to higher concepts of living, expanded consciousness, universal power. The energy from below seemed to based in grounded principles, solid tangible real world stuff, less heady concepts, sexual energy too apparently.
The beams of energy met at the core of my body and circulated like a current. Spinning, sort of like each energy was a polar opposite which pushed the other one in an infinite cycle. But it was a mixing of two energies to provide balance.
So where I’m at in my spiritual exploration in life. I am intensely self conscious of concepts like this, intuitive knowledge gets pushed off as overactive imagination. Over the years I’ve witnessed a lot of people who get into this higher level stuff like energy work completely lose their grounding. Whether thinking they now have the answers to all of life’s problems, let the newfound discovery go to their heads and think they have divine knowledge at all times on tap, ironically become LESS understanding of human struggles in general and more selfish, attempt to become life coaches (when they have no business guiding people), etc. I’ve just been witness to A LOT of ego around spirituality. I don’t know how or why it happens, but people seem to lose their way.
Reminds me of an individual I was briefly seeing who was helping me build up a practice of manifesting, visualization, all that. Then one day she starts talking about reptilians, deep state, qanon garbage. I was like, that’s it I’m done with you. I challenged her on it, asking her where she’s getting her info from? She just said “look it up, it’s all over the internet you just need to know where to look”. At that moment I knew her “intuitive knowledge” she was claiming was just a product of the garbage she was consuming online. Humans seem to have a tendency to forget they are human.
1 Like
Love is probably the most polarizing thing in the universe. When you’re good with it you feel great. When you’re not ready for it, it hurts.
Can confirm LBFH is hitting me like a sledgehammer again. I’m going to stick it out this time instead of running away. I’m always looking for the most efficient way to overcome things and improve. I think I have to admit to myself that’s a lie. It’s an attempt to engage in all the benefits of self growth without actually processing and accepting my emotions and myself.
2 Likes
Something hard for me to admit but I feel like sharing here. I haven’t been able to keep up with a lot of journals on here. I’ve got a lot of internalized shame still about my own life. Reading about certain successes, lifestyles, and overall levels of growth cause deep insecurities in me. Moving forward I’m going to try to read more about everyone’s experiences with these subs vs walling myself off.
100% a manifestation of LBFH with this insight. When it comes to people I’m still very much a “watch from a distance” type of cautious. I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to do what it takes to overcome these fear based protective habits. I also understand how unhealthy it is and simultaneously hurtful to myself to continue to engage in it.
But it’s gonna take a while. We started with fear, gradually built up a whole system for dealing with that fear, and now we have to undo that system and address the fear. So it’s not only about learning to be myself more, but also disarming all the things in place that hide that.
Sometimes ZP gives me this birds eye view of myself and it’s just enough perspective to realize that this isn’t something I have to live with.
2 Likes
I’m on rest day 2, and I still feel LBFH moving in my physical brain. Like barely a headache. I’m going to drop early since it’s still active, and I’m going to experiment with a 3rd rest day tomorrow.
That thinking came from reading the support thread about using less loops to alleviate recon. Some do 7 days off, one does 10. Personally, I’m amazed how active this sub still is when I last listened Sunday morning. I do a full 15-minute loop.
And lastly, since you mentioned it, comparing yourself to me or anyone else means you’re very, very hard on yourself. I’ve felt inferior myself to all others my whole life, which is why I guard myself by not reaching out here often.
But in this activation time…LBFH is giving me the exact opposite message. That I’m so so valuable. I habitually repelled it at first. But LBFH is a strong subliminal. I compared it to Emperor in my journal. It’s no light sub.
It’s new territory for me too, but Gawd, it’s intense feeling valuable.
2 Likes
Yeah definitely. I only go for 3 minute loops. Even 5 minutes is too much for me at the moment. So I’m working up to it with LBFH.
Yes 100%. It’s been a lifelong struggle for me. The intense recon I get from LBFH is when those feelings of being valuable are being generated. It causes a lot of inner turmoil. That’s definitely what I’m working through now. If I had to compare it to anything it’s when people in my life have tried to get closer to me and show genuine interest but I shutdown or push them away. Same thing, but internally towards myself. Those longstanding avoidant tendencies in myself. Luckily now that I’m seeing a therapist I don’t have that opportunity to try to sneak my way out of facing this stuff. No matter how badly I self sabotage or slip backwards there’s someone there now able to guide me back onto the right path. That just helps me be stronger.
1 Like
Check in time for myself after stubbornly listening to another loop of UA and LBFH this week. Don’t have much momentum. I think I over did it and need to rest.
There’s always that fear of “I’m not doing enough or trying hard enough”. Ironically the behavior that stems from that is what prevents my growth because I burn myself out.
I think starting next week I’m doing one loop a week to start. And only really listening to another if I can absolutely guarantee it won’t compromise me.
This is actually something I talked to my therapist about. I close off and move ahead, I don’t stop to process. I think if I just keep my head down and plow through everything I’ll end up on the other side. But I ignore the crucial in between.
Its better I process whatever I need for that week off one loop and want to do slightly more vs just creating a mountain of emotional upheaval I have to get through.
Perfect example of how I screw up my listening schedule due to past beliefs and emotional conditioning.
1 Like
I think there’s definitely a strong desire in me to run something like Ascension. But also I know I have to build up to that. It sucks, I’m inpatient, but there’s a whole aspect of me I keep neglecting.
UA mixed with LBFH is having me get more in touch with my creative side and bringing that to the front more vs shoved in a dark corner. UA is tough, it doesn’t seem like it would be as a title but there are mountains of subconscious beliefs that get instilled in you growing up having to do with art in general.
You’ll notice a lot in life the only artists people actively support are the already established ones. Up and coming, learning, or inexperienced ones are dismissed as someone who needs to get a real job. The only people that seem to prop artists up are other artists who get it.
I think there’s still a lot I need to process about my own worth and my place in this world. Right now it still feels like I’m living it according to someone else’s rules.
1 Like
Tomorrow I kick my coffee habit, again. I’ll reserve it for the one or two cups on the weekend. But daily intake isn’t good for me. Not sure if it’s the caffeine or coffee itself, but my mental health does a nosedive and it wrecks my sleep. Amazing how just one cup every day gradually wears me down.
Other than that. LBFH kicks up a lot of sexual energy for me. I’ve got a lot of hangups around sex so maybe some healing going on there.
Overall feeling overwhelmed right now. Wondering how I’m gonna do this life thing and finally be happy.
2 Likes
Could really use a win in my life right now. My cat got really sick and I had to take him to the hospital to stabilize him. It got me really angry because I should have taken the signs leading up to the issues into account. Instead I was dealing with the bullshit of my job and once again letting that fear place it at the forefront of my life. Which consequently burns me out which makes me more detached from everything.
I just want to live a goddamn simple life. I don’t want to have to be rich just so I can have freedom. Higher pay equals more responsibility and I just don’t want that. But even the higher paying salaries are a joke now with inflation.
Would love to run a sub that just helps me manifest opportunities as needed vs having to structure an entire lifestyle change.
4 Likes
LBFH is pretty awesome. This is the perfect balance of compassion for others while at the same time not hesitating to shut people down who manipulate or disrespect you.
A small win for myself today. It was about 5 minutes before the end of my shift at work today. Servers started having issues. I knew if I started diagnosing any of the tickets that came in I’d be stuck there longer than I wanted for the night. So I asked myself “Do you feel comfortable working longer today?” The answer was no. So I punched out and left. Nothing like worrying what people thought of me for leaving them in the middle of issues, worrying about the owner of the company finding out, lost productivity, blah blah blah. Nope I was just like peace, I’m done with this shit for the day.
Besides there was a whole other team still online across the coast, they could handle it. I am done taking responsibility for things that aren’t my responsibility, especially when it messes with my own mental health. Also I was gone for one day and everything was so backed up. But I just started with what I could and worked a comfortable pace. No more of this trying to catch up nonsense.
Tickets unsolved. People needing things done. Not enough manpower in our department. Not my problem. I’m getting some help soon, but until that day comes I won’t be held responsible for things falling through the cracks.
Apparently setting boundaries and being assertive wasn’t a skill deficit for me, but a self worth issue. When you start valuing yourself and your health more you naturally protect it vs giving it away to be stomped all over.
4 Likes
That’s how I want to live life too. That’s one of the things that keeps me on the path of self-realization and what those who made it talk about. You are given what you need as you need it. Some even go so far as to say you don’t need a job. I’m okay with having one but I want that time and freedom if not happiness and joy from my work.
1 Like
LBFH definitely kicks up the dominance for me. I ran a 3 minute loop last night and I woke up this morning like “today I won’t tolerate any bullshit from others”. It’s not aggressive, it’s like a calm nonchalance. Thinking to myself “I don’t care what you think, all I care about is taking care of myself and I’m gonna do that.” It feels a bit like the Rogue module, but with heavy emphasis on putting yourself first.
4 Likes
Thanks for the support! Yeah man long overdue. This is what real confidence feels like. I got a long way to go but I’ve glimpsed it which is the most important part.
1 Like