I just realized. I can now think to myself, “I’m highly intelligent,” without an iota of misgivings or stomach twisting. I’m so glad I ran Quantum Limitless and I’m still feeling the effects expanding. It was the realization that I still see cognitive improvements consistently that I thought to myself, “Huh, I’m actually a pretty smart guy if I think about it. Why did I think otherwise?” And then I thought while watching to see how I would react that I’m highly intelligent and realized I just felt clear about it.
Quantum Limitless seems to have a gentle wave effect on me as I’m no longer running it.
It is like running these stages through to ST3 really helped me to uncover exactly what it was that was blocking certain aspects of my intellect from showing.
As may be apparent from my posts, I can be rather scatter-brained in life. My adopted mother once jokingly told me, "You had better get a good woman that takes care of you because you’re going to end up being one of those geniuses that get so caught up in whatever they’re doing, they forget to shower, eat or sleep.
I remembered this the other day because my mentor told me two days ago that we’re both unorganized guys and that’s just an unwelcome side effect of some genius minds. And again, when he said that, it kinda hit me that I really never accepted my own intellect until recently.
I got so tired of people, especially family, telling me that you have a mind that will take you far if you let it. You can really do anything you want to do, just pick something.
""The amount of potential that you have is incredible"
You have so much potential
Potential
That one still has a hold on me deeper inside and it is at least in part due to resentment. I resented people having such high expectations of me. I resented the fact that people told me you would be great at this or that, or that ‘my mind belonged in college’.
Me just going to a trade school was an enormous thing for me. The fact that I even went through with it despite my inner weirdness about ‘school’, I gave it a real good go. And once again, I don’t give myself enough credit because I am more focused (inside) on the fact that I left the school than the fact that I really did that shit for a bit and gave it a good go.
The thing is, I’ve carried guilt because I didn’t go to college. I didn’t get a degree. And that guilt stems from feeling like I’ve somehow failed my adopted parents and myself.
Intellectually, I’ve always known better. But wounds are wounds and they certainly don’t obey the logical mind.
But now, I have a better foundation inside. I suppose a good way to say it would be to make a biblical reference and say that I’ve allowed my house built on sand to sink into the destiny that was always foretold from the moment of its creation.
Nothing.
Up until maybe the last year, I had let too many elements that had nothing to do with me be me for me. Sly remarks used to get under my psyche far easier than any shouting, cursing, beating or other forms of misguided persuasion could because I truly had a strong, willful mind as a young boy. I could handle things because, well, you have to when you’re in the system.
The subtle remarks, though. The ones that made me think about what they were trying to imply about me. The seemingly innocent to most but blaringly obvious insinuations about me to me or others about my likelihood to fail in life if I didn’t follow this or that path…Those are the ones that got me.
Implications.
Strange when I look back now, but I did allow certain family members and friends remarks about me, particularly about my brain effect my sense of identity over the years.
It’s easy to tell from any of my journals that I’m a thinker. I muse. I ponder. And, I play with words just for the fun of it. I have a truly beautiful mind (that could come across as arrogant but honestly, I just feel appreciation for mine) that explores things from so many different angles and perspectives at a rapid pace that I don’t actually miss much.
This is a double edged sword, dipped in poison, however.
- I have the unfortunate side effect of getting caught up in the mind. And I tend to soar, sure. But, the Law of Rhythm is definitely a thing and so is the Law of Polarity.
So, to a child that doesn’t truly understand how to operate this what seemed to me at that age wonderful, creative, imaginative brain, that catches on to the little things adults say about him and broods on what they said and, has that develop into the sneaking fear that they could be right about him, that causes issues. Especially when…
-
I tended to internalize everything as a lot of children that had harder upbringings have been known to do. And I would bottle it up, shove it down and pretend to everyone that I didn’t care. This causes issues, too.
-
(Maybe this isn’t a double edged sword, but a throwing star) Because I have from a young age been very good with words and comprehension, but less stacked in the emotional maturity stat group, I let my emotions basically build this identity around me of confusion.
Here we have people telling this kid that he’s a wonder, and here we have others telling him he’s lazy and wasting his brain. Here we have people telling him that it’s incredible that he reads books only from the adult section before his teens, but then turn around and sneer and tell him to go play outside. Here we have this kid’s therapist tell his adopted parents that the kid had shared some dreams that he had of life that he didn’t really tell anybody about, and shared them with his parents, only to be put down (for the most part) on the way home.
The last one still actually hurts and I’m glad it came up because I never really looked at it. Mental note.
My point in this unexpectedly long and now emotional post is that Limitless (and Stark) and then Quantum Limitless restored my mental landscape.
and there have been many. Especially in the female department. And yet, I journal endlessly about random insights I received that have little (from a certain, limited perspective at least) to do with Emperor and Primal. Lmao.
