Iām sitting here contemplating my existence & true purpose for life. What truly lights me up.
Whatās the point of my existence ā¦ ???
Almost feels like Iāve time warped back to the beginning of my subliminal journey.
Tomorrows my last day before wash outā¦
Looking forward to a little pause.
Day 21 ~ full loops of Stark & LME
Washout begins tomorrow. Not sure whatās happening with my stack going forward.
I dreamed of my ex fiancĆ© quite a bit last night. I also woke up in sleepy state fantasizing about him. It felt like it was real. He was right there pressed against me and it went very sexual and erotic. I keep having flashbacks of the good times. When I see him in the physical I retreat and donāt like that. My voice softens and I feel this desire to submit to him or something. This is new for me. Itās like a follow his lead type thing. Except he isnāt taking any action towards us trying again. Maybe itās a dead horse.
I donāt enjoy oneitis as @Trader puts it.
I donāt wanna be limiting myself in the area of finding my life partner. Power couple duo.
I just canāt seem to shake these feelings and thoughts for him.
I want to be pursued not be the pursuer. I felt I was the pursuer a lot with him. 
Dunno.
Edit:
Iām noticing some things stirring up with LME. Noticing this fear of when my kids getting older if they will be successful. Will I have done my job right in the sense of teaching them how to become independent, self sufficient, able to self advocate, take good care of themselves, go after their dreams and use interdependence rather than get into trauma bonds /co dependency. I see how my upbringing impacted my growth and development but I also went into foster care at 14, living border city with Detroit. It was a culture shock to say the least.
My triumphs and troubles helped make me who I am today. I just donāt want my kids to struggle the way myself and my peers did.
I do see I am missing working with children and youth with this sub. I have a 3 year college advanced diploma in Child and Youth Work. I worked in childcare, public schools and child protective services. Iām not sure where Iāll take this going forward. I notice I am watching career driven people vs entrepreneurs. I am in the entrepreneur world for just over a year now. Iām super contemplative. Iāll sit with this. I dreamed of being a speaker and author sharing my story and what helped me. Turning my experiences into something artistic. I pictured a movie or tv series. Books. Music.
I was a songwriter and musician for many years but with kids I sort of brushed it aside. I still play sometimes but definitely isnāt the same.
Maybe Iāve gotta get myself more involved in the community even as a volunteer or something. Take some actions towards my big fat wild dreams.
I was going to take Communication Studies at the university nearby when I was 20, but chickened out. It felt very overwhelming having so many ideas and dreams. A big giant vision. Iām now 36 and what have I made of myself so far? Iāve gotta look more at my accomplishments and not just my so called failures.
Back to LME though, I really do appreciate the fact that I am acknowledging my fears about my kids growing up. Making sure Iāve done right by them. Also questioning what is healthy dependency when they are adults. Adults and all people of any age/stage have developmental and chronological age. What if they have actual developmental delays and need your support long past the societal standards?
My ex fiancĆ© still has a lot of support from his parents but is also super responsible and skillful in other ways. I observe his family and sometimes see how I may have to be that way with my oldest. I see some resemblance between my ex and my teenager. I think my ex is on the spectrum very high functioning. His cousin was diagnosed with Aspergerās when that was in the DSM many years back. Itās in my family too. I believe I probably fall somewhere on the spectrum but lucked out getting the supports I needed in high school.
Okay, rant over. 
Iād love to see you write content for children I can see you being very successful with this. You are an a amazing writer. Iād have to agree with oneitis however it is great to look at what you love about your ex and what did t work for you both. This may help you start in a new place with him or find someone who better suits your new self concept.
Iāve discovered that I go into partial freeze mode to protect my reputation and identity around my ex & his family because of what happened end of 2020/2021. Moments of vulnerability were used against me in family law court.
It took everything in me not to attack. Not to fight. Not to run away.
It was the most challenging thing Iāve ever endured.
Even tho time has passed I am still waiting for a court date to revise our court order. I want primary residence for our daughter. I want her majority and he can see her anytime. Ideally I want us to heal the trauma and work our stuff out.
Iām not forcing anything anymore. Not pushing.
Having this greater awareness will help me even more with healing and releasing so things can come back into harmony.
LME you son of a gun lol
Wash out has begun! So ready for this 
Curious if Stark will be upgraded soon? Seductress Dark coming soon maybe?
I see myself wanting to really tap into my bigger type c goals. Iāve always wanted to write books and be a speaker/presenter sharing my life experiences and words of wisdom/empowerment. My mom told me I am very smart yesterday and that I just got smarter and smarter over the years. She reminded me how I always wanted to be a writer and give speeches. To be a teacher too. Which I already did working in schools for over a decade. I teach now in a different way. Through my experiences.
My dreams were crazy last night. There was an eagle hiding in the back room of a place I was staying. It seemed like a village or some form of commune living. An old male friend of mine was there. His gf was upset he was my friend and she didnāt know. This has some truth to it from a real life situation long ago. Must be some sort of healing.
There was a lot of symbolism.
Felt frustrated when I woke up because I just wanted a little time for myself to do yoga and have mushroom coffee. Do my journaling and oracle reading. The youngest was like hell naw. 
Times like this is her dad was here they could just cuddle while I do my thing. Oh well.
Yesterday was my 10 year olds parent teacher interview. I havenāt been to any of them because I was always working doing interviews at whatever school I was at. Her teacher spoke about yoga and mindfulness. Mental health and well-being. She shared how my daughter dissociates sometimes during lessons and we got into a talk about trauma. She goes into freeze mode. She also gets bored easily. Sheās very much artistic and creative. Doesnāt fit in a box or category. Doesnāt enjoy being stuck at a desk for long periods of time.
It was a very positive experience. My daughter has great teachers. Same with my other 2 kids but I didnāt go to their interviews. I met with my sons teacher already and my other daughters.
Stop wanting. Just do it. I know the feeling ā my entire college education is in writing and it took me forever to actually do something with the knowledge simply because I had imposter syndrome. I fought through it, managed to spin that education into a lucrative marketing and product development career. Once I left the corporate world, I mixed that knowledge with my writing skills and focus on self-development and spirituality ā and now we have Subliminal Club.
I do still play with the idea of writing novels and the such. Even debating releasing my favorite screenplay I wrote here, since itās very relevant to what I do now. Just gotta do it.
š„¹š„¹š„¹
Thanks for that.
Youāre an inspiration!
Everything chaotic resolved very quickly in my home today with the kids.
I sat here thinking āof course Iāve got this.ā
I started remembering all the work Iāve done along the way from quite a young age in this life time. I feel lucky and blessed for all the early exposure I had.
I started reaffirming the personal development journey Iāve been on since 14 being the youngest in a teen mentor program. I had to sign a contract and work my butt off to move on my own independently at 17! I saved up money fast. Bought my first car with cash. I always seemed to figure stuff out. Even in the midst of chaos and sometimes extreme danger. I calmed storms. I created storms.
People always called me ambitious and an inspiration. People learned from me. Iāve been called an encyclopedia many times. Iāve been called a guidance counselor. This still applies.
I always manifested things very quickly, good and bad. (If weāre going with a dualistic approach.)
Itās really all good because it all came from the creator, me. I always got what I asked for. I always get what I want. Now Iām just more conscious and going deeper into my being. Subliminals opened so many doors in my Mind. Iām glad I didnāt allow the ignorance of others to stop me from this journey.
Thereās no reason I cant do what I want to do. I just have to get crystal clear on my vision going forward. Once clear, itāll happen. Itās already done. Infinite possibilities readily accessible.
I see how the body gets addicted to suffering and the mind too when they arenāt in harmony with each other. The heart is wise. Iāve been connecting more with my heart lately. It feels so much lighter. I carried so much weight for so long.
Iām a highly sensitive soul with extreme empathy. I have 5 water signs and 4 fire signs in my astrology chart. Iāve felt the physical pain of others. If not careful I shapeshifted into being like others. I used to think I was seriously crazy when studying personality disorders and other disorders of the mind in college. I excelled in those classes. I started experiencing very supernatural stuff at that time. I went into a dark night of the soul. Not the first one either. I coped with various substances but now Iām completely sober from mind altering substances.
I feel free 
Now I am doing my best to not keep the story going of having to be careful of shapeshifting or taking on other peoples stuff. My lower chakras are balanced and clear. I am safe. I am not open to being harmed anymore. No more contraction. More expansion.
Iām here to add value. My stories of life experiences are definitely valuable, but I also want to share the ways to rise above that. 
Let go of the old stories that keep you stuck. The familiarity of disempowerment. Stop waiting to be saved. Save yourself.
Hereās a photo of me in 2007 a couple days after a NDE. I went down a very deep spiritual awakening to followā¦.
Such a beautiful song. Sitting here reflecting while shedding a few graceful tears.
When things would feel good or becoming something better or different for me, I would unconsciously sabotage it.
Oh, I feel good, I better fuck that up! 
Feeing good may be uncomfortable when you werenāt used to that for so long.
Not anymore though. Itās becoming a new norm.
No more finding comfort in the pain. Find comfort in the pleasure.
I think Iām gonna do a video on this subject.
Edit: && I did just that. Fast action.
Why do I share old facts of my life experiences?
Because I want to show people that no matter what they are now experiencing or have experienced, that they too can rise above and become whomever they wanna be.
To inspire and empower.
I see myself being not too inspired to teach private yoga to one of my clients who has many physical limitations. Iām sitting here looking at it. It does encourage me to think and plan more creatively, while also trusting my intuition when leading a class for him.
Iām sure it will pay off in the long run with future clients.
I just really see that Iām not enjoying doing some things. Attitude adjustment time.
Yoga isnāt just physical practice. I can bring other limbs into the classes. I just got the idea to lead him through a yoga nidra meditation. I have a very soothing voice that has tranced people out on many occasions.
I had a much deeper restorative sleep last night. Less dreams.
My son came back from his dads last night in a great mood. This morning he made a comment that pissed me off. āMy dad is actually a good parent.ā Heās not happy that I told him he canāt stay home from school today. I told him I said no and guilt tripping wonāt change my mind.
Okay then. Whatever!
Day 6 of wash out
My dream world felt like an action movie last night. I was driving on a road that went to construction with a weird ramp that almost zig zagged and had obstructions. A man offered to get my Jeep around for me. I was walking on the other side and was removed or kidnapped.
I felt like I was searching for my stolen stuff. Phone, Jeep and kids?
This man had my stuff and I couldnāt get it. He tried to stab me and cut my scalp with an X-Acto knife. A āfriendā appeared in this random house full of people and called 911 for me because for whatever reason once I got my phone I couldnāt access 911.
My mind donāt feel right atm but Iām just taking it easy. Doing a little yoga and having my mushroom coffee. Breathing. Being kind with myself.
I was going to resume listening today but Iām gonna wait a bit to see how Iām feeling on all energetic levels.
Iām finding tenderness in my body for my teenage son.
Remembering he is high functioning autistic and has ADHD.
He doesnāt just deliberately cause problems or purposely not clean up his space. He even told me last night he gets weird thoughts and his personality changes so much.
Heās bothered by stuff.
Mama bear needs to soften her armour and be kinder. I must give off this energy that has him retreating and contracting from opening up more.
He has so many gifts and talents. Heās brilliant too. Heās just messy and scattered with his living space and work space at school. Heās going to high school next year. (Grade 9.)
I feel better nowā¦ so Iām resuming listening with the following stack:
Stark & LME together
Seductress alternate listening day
Day 1 ~ Stark & LME full loops
I see the importance of LME. I was resisting it! 
Edit:
I went into a local business today and the owner knew my name and said she loves my IG videos. 
When my son came home from school I was much more chillaxed with him.
I had this surge of energy which led me to playing drums and keyboard for awhile. I noticed my speed was faster with my double bass pedals.
My nail lady told me that my nails grow really fast and that it must mean I am healthy
The thing I really love about LME is how I simply cannot procrastinate on house chores. If I see something that needs to get done I do it. This then leads me to doing like 10 other tasks.
How about I take that motivation and apply it to writing a book or creating some courses to get some passive streams of income going?!
Just tonight, I spot cleaned a bunch of stains on my sons carpet, dusted his tv/computer stand, folded and put a load of laundry away, put a load in, scrubbed my kitchen sink and did all the dishes, washed the fronts of washer/dryer, swept and mopped main floor, prepped a plain yogurt parfait and did some yin yoga and got the kids lunched packed for tomorrow. 
I am a fairly clean and tidy person, but I was letting some things go for a while when dating the narc. My heart feels so much lighter and I feel back to my better self, but Iām also upgrading and expanding.
As I did my yin yoga, I had so many realizations of my progress and gains from this subliminal journey so far. (But subs donāt work eh? ) Iām talking things like a chronic muscle spasm in my left elbow I had for years went away, knowing exactly what supplements to take for me, understanding menstrual cycles and what goes on during each phase ~ I recently discovered some important information aboot the luteal phase too. For the longest time, it wouldnāt stick in my brain, but now it does. My lifelong IBS~combined is basically in full remission, as well as cystitis/overactive bladder syndrome.
Thereās so much I could probably say in length about the many layers of highly complex trauma Iāve worked through, down to the physical level. Even my āsufferingā from body dysmorphia for over 2 decades has reduced by at least 70%. My ādisease phobiaā has reduced by over 70% as well.
I am what gives life to this powerful journey with such kick ass tools. I feel so blessed to be here.
I approve of this photo
Well I did take the photo for you
Good girl 
