Last entry before I go to sleep.
I pulled an oracle card from a deck I don’t often use:
Pull the Palpatine one and I’ll be impressed.
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Day 6 ~ rEsT dAy
My sleep time was…umm…. pretty facking crazy. It felt like a mission impossible or something. I was trying to convince myself that I was being harmed and on a mission to safety.
I was thinking in my dream state how I said lbfh didn’t have me feeling anger but before bed I definitely experienced some anger as I went through and deleted a big chunk of my messenger inbox. I also had processing dreams around why I felt anger. My ex narc made an appearance at one point but he didn’t see me. I was at a church where my reiki master teacher was doing healings. There were kids everywhere. I wondered why she was having so many clients back to back and why I didn’t have so many clients.
I woke up today with this worry about money and not succeeding in business. Questioning my existence. My purpose. What am I even doing here?
I offered a free full moon yin class on zoom last night. A bunch of people said they were coming yet didn’t show up. I had 2 lovely woman join me. They really loved it. I feel this triggered stuff in me though. Even when offered free people flake on me. I have other yoga teacher friends who have experienced the same thing.
I put a lot into my classes. Straight from my heart. I don’t desire to teach in someone’s studio. I do like teaching virtually. Not really a desire to make videos for YouTube that way. I prefer to leave that for my coaching stuff.
Maybe I am meant to do other things right now.
I puled a card about power today.
I’m not pushing anything. I’m just gonna chill, drink my coffee and breathe. All is well.
I noticed that your face and body is radiating with energy in the last few photos keep up the good work.
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Even ESPECIALLY when offered free people flake
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I’ve noticed I experience more recon around my kids as opposed to being alone… l get sensitive to certain noises … & I swear my son purposely makes noises to get me going. I take in much deeper belly breaths in those moments compared to previous shallow breathing. I do get thoughts of screaming like a wild animal but I don’t do that much anymore. 
I do however say “stop” a lot, which probably isn’t really effective.
Fucking kids !!! 
Correction: Fucking teenagers !!!
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Day 7 ~ seductress full loopy
I had a dream I was banned from sub club and questioned why. I went a bit lucid scanning for possible reasons. I thought to myself, would I still listen to subs from here then?
I dreamed of taking my kids on vacation but it was all sorts of messed up. My 10 year old said she booked the room, but didn’t. She kept bringing us to the wrong room where other people were. Our luggage was somewhere else. We ended up shifting into a water park theme park hotel. Okay? lol
On a ride, here we go.
Still wondering about the luggage.
Woke up and just laid on my bed horizontally in savasana and breathed. Letting all the bs pass on by from my mind and body.
What was once unconscious has become more conscious.
LBFH has brought back a lot for me to look at. I was stacking the original title with DR1 at the time of meeting the ex narc. I realized early on that he had a lot of different cluster b personality traits. It felt really spooky and scary. Paranoia creeped in. I was second guessing everything. He kept trying to plant seeds that subs were harming me and that he cared about me and wanted to help. Somehow he impressed a lot onto my subconscious. He was very charming and had a lot of money. He spoiled me. He wined me and dined me. Took me on luxurious vacations. I was lying to myself. Trying to pretend I could handle it.
Those spooky scary and paranoid feelings have returned. It’s like he’s psychically with me in ways still. Parts of him still sticking in my connective tissues or energy bodies. Not to sound weird or anything. Probably sounds weird. .
I’m allowing it. I’m sitting with it. I’m letting it go with ease.
I have survived so much trauma and am learning to thrive once again.
These wings 🪽 are getting ready to truly fly again. Maybe gliding for a while. 
I was playing drums last night when no one was home. That’s when those old familiar feelings came creeping in. He used to show up randomly unannounced. It fucked with my nervous system more than I realized at the time. Thankfully throughout my trauma informed yoga training we dove deeper into this stuff. 
🥹
This morning my son didn’t even wanna wear a coat that he bought, so I just said that it was from me and the ex was with me when I got it. (The ex gave me a gift card for Costco and had a membership.) That relationship messed with my son the most. I didn’t realize when I was in so deep. I see why he’s so angry at times. We are working through it. Slow and steady. 
I was reading some woman’s blog and this stood out:
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Sometimes I have this fleeting thought of quitting as a healer/teacher/coach/mentor ~ whatever else you wanna label it as …. Person who helps guide people through personal self development on all levels.
Sometimes I sit here thinking is there something more for me out there?
Am I truly satisfied being directly of service to helping mankind evolve or is there a more indirect approach? Or just say fuck it?
There’s so many people already doing this so what makes me any greater?
People who easily make 1000 plus per coaching session.
Others struggle to make $200 per session.
I feel I want more 
and passion. Wake up excited for the day ahead. Some days are better than others but I feel some lack going on.
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Day 8 ~ rEsT dAy
Dreamed a lot with not much recall. Took my time getting out of bed. No clients scheduled for today. Kids at school. Me time.
Just did some really healing yoga chi gong dance mix. It’s apparently called yoga fusion. I love it. I just find myself moving and breathing intuitively. Bluetooth headphones on with music. Today’s choice was Invincible by Tool followed by Descending by the same band.
Now I’m sitting on a cork block on my mat in front of my plants a with a candle lit. Mushroom coffee made.
Here’s my view:
My choice in books has shifted gears lately with a focus more on the feminine and masculine polarities and now the shadow.
Get what you want by getting off on what you don’t.
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Try this posture. You’ll feel so good! 
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Mmmmm!
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This is a book, I know those
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Day 9 | full loops of Stark & LBFH
I don’t really remember my dreams last night. My daughter knocked on my open door at one point and then went back to her room to be tucked in. She got up again around the time my alarm goes off to cuddle. I laid there with my hand on her heart listening to it beating while guiding her through some breathwork. 🥹💜 I was able to go do a little morning spiritual practice while she laid in my bed.
I pulled a card about focusing on what matters most and abundance will come in many ways. My kids matter most. I get caught up in my head on how to be the nurturing mom who also has to play dad too as a single mom. I wish I had a loving supportive man to juggle the load with. Family means everything to me. I honestly wish I had millions so I could own giant land where several homes were built to provide a safe place for my closest loved ones. To also have a teaching healing facility where all my amazing healing teaching artsy creative friends can do their thang. A community village where everyone works together sharing their gifts. Sounds like a magic fairy land. A woman can dream big.
That could be a way to indirectly be of service with less of me working frontline. I am very inventive, clever, quick-witted, creative, insightful; basically full of tons of amazing ideas. I love to lead and guide. I want people to take my ideas and roll with them. Grand things could happen. I would love the perfect team for me. People who are sold on my gifts. 
I’ve just gotta be in the right places, right times connecting with the right people. Knowing when and how to express my power without seeming unsure or doubtful.
When did it become so easy and natural to live such a rich and lavish life?
Anyways, on the drive to my daughter school she was talking about how some trees break in the snow. She was saying how some are good and some are bad. This had me crying.
After I dropped her off I cried basically the whole drive to a restaurant I haven’t been to in a while. Good to change things up. Found myself people watching. Listening to conversations. Wishing I had people to share all my ideas with that would appreciate and support it.
Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere… 
Throwback Thursday… 16 years ago!
Damn girl, you are hot, I mean you have all limbs, long hair, and all of the things.
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I think your energy rubs off on me. I appreciate you. 
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Pardon me, I am such a dumbass, forgot to add a meme
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Damn you. Sounds like something I’d have said if I thought of it first.
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