Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

Alex made a brilliant point here:

@AlexanderGraves

I, personally, think, because of my own experience with ZP, that many of the users are currently stuck in “what do I actually want?”

Tough to have forwards energy when you dont know where “forwards” is.

I’ve felt this way for a long time, I have all this forwards energy… but I don’t know where forwards is. I can’t figure out what needs to be prioritized.

Everything in my life is moving all at once and it’s hard to keep up. It’s really draining actually, and it makes me kind of anxious, because I’m a sniper in terms of my thinking. I need to zero in on something specific to achieve growth, but right now it feels impossible to just focus on one thing. I have all these plates spinning (as in aspects of my life ,not girls… yet)

My social life, my romantic life, my career, my finances, my emotional life, my physical fitness, everything has changed and is improving for the most part. Its like in the movies where scientists freeze your body, and suddenly you awaken to a world that’s completely unrecognizable; and you have no choice but to adapt to your situation. That’s how I feel with the pace of my growth. I don’t have the luxury of being able to focus on one thing at a time.

[Matalexander305]

• I’m finally in a position of authority at work, and I have to learn to lead and teach my subordinates. I’ve also become a lot more assertive and expressive of my true thoughts and feelings. The filter that I often operate with to be more pleasing and friendly is starting to disappear. Today I yelled at a coworker for being a lazy idiot and it felt good. (I’ve never yelled at anyone before, at work)

• I’m finally staring to develop a social circle and I am getting more comfortable with meeting new people and just being my authentic self.

• I’m starting to meet more girls, and since running wanted, literally every girl I meet is attracted to me. It’s not even a question, I just know right off the bat that they’re into me. So now, I’m talking to more girls, and I am improving my natural game and confidence with them.

• I hit rock bottom I’m terms of finances this year, I reached an extremely scary point in terms of finances recently and by the sheer luck of god, I got away without a single scratch and luckily everything is now back on track.

• I’ve decided I want to pursue copywriting as a career (for now) and I am actively learning that skill.

• I’m following a training program for the first time ever, my diet is all over the place, my job is manual labour (9 hours a day) I still go out and drink on weekends, my work stresses me out and drains me and get somehow despite all of this I’m in the best shape of my life. I actually want to quit this bodybuilding type training and start doing Muay Thai or kickboxing, I just find it too easy now, and it’s no longer satisfying to me.

• I’ve cut down drastically on my drinking. I had a brutally honest conversation with myself about why I drink so much, and if it’s necessary. I concluded that I use it to tame my social anxiety, and I no longer believe that it’s conductive to my growth.

I’ll still go out and drink sometimes, but not like before. The effects it has on my productivity, my health, and my bank account aren’t worth the few hours of pleasure I get from being a drunk idiot.

Summary

@Matalexander305

I get home, it’s 7pm. Then I’d usually pour myself a glass of wine with dinner, an hour later i’d pour another one, then maybe have a cider next hour and if I went out, I’d have anywhere from 5- 8 more drinks.

This Friday , I went out. Had two drinks at the pool bar, and a vodka soda at my friends place.

Saturday night, I had a glass of wine at dinner, me and my friends shared a cider between laser tag games, and that was it.

[Matalexander305]

All of this too say, that I’m very busy right now and mentally I’m being dragged left, right, up, down.

Because theres so many small changes happening at once, I feel this huge sense of anticipation. Anticipation for a big fat W, the kind that changes your entire life for the better. My last one, was getting my first car and now I need a new one. Is it social? Romantic? Financial? Physical? Emotional? Mental? I don’t know yet, but their are times in life where you gotta bust out the big guns and now feels like one of those times. Hence why I’ll be starting my journey with KHAN on October 1st.

I’m done with guessing, with twiddling my thumbs and thinking all the time and I’m just tired of feeling held back by the constructs of my own mind. Time for DRASTIC CHANGES. TIME TO KILL THE BOY AND BECOME A MAN.

This won’t be easy, but it’ll be well worth it.

[Matalexander305]

I have a bad habit of making plans/ goals and forgetting about them. Maybe I need some kind of reminder. Like a vision board or something.

@Matalexander305

I’m giving myself one year:

@Matalexander305

I’ve also been browsing autotrader for cars. Not that I can afford another one, but I keep looking at the Mustangs, Camaros and Challengers.

Don’t care how realistic or unrealistic it sounds. That’s my goal. If I don’t wave a carrot in front of myself, I’ll never get anything done.

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars” While being amongst the stars is cool, I want my feet planted on that moon in a years time.

LFG

@Matalexander305

And another thing… I want to move out. I want to become my own man. I think that will be top of the priority list. So adding that to this one year goal

[Vesper]

Orrr you need an accountability partner sign me up for that

[Vesper]

Imagine if you, @bombayduck we’re both in IT like me, @TheBoxingScientist and others that would be really cool.

The IT Avengers they would call us.

[Matalexander305]

@Vesper

Orrr you need an accountability partner sign me up for that

Deal

[Matalexander305]

@Vesper

Imagine if you, @bombayduck we’re both in IT like me, @DarkAvenger and others that would be really cool.

The IT Avengers they would call us.

Lool that would be funny

[bombayduck]

No need to imagine when your dreams are about to be reality very soon

[Vesper]

You are soon going to enter the benefits of working remote. If I ever make a grateful journal this will be the top of my list.

[AlexanderGraves]

@Matalexander305

My social life, my romantic life, my career, my finances, my emotional life, my physical fitness, everything has changed and is improving for the most part. Its like in the movies where scientists freeze your body, and suddenly you awaken to a world that’s completely unrecognizable; and you have no choice but to adapt to your situation. That’s how I feel with the pace of my growth. I don’t have the luxury of being able to focus on one thing at a time.

Are you running a ton of different subs or is this more or less a random occurrence in your life right now?

Try to figure out why everything changes and try to hone in on one or two areas!

[Deadpool]

You should include module harmonic singularity for releasing stress.

[bombayduck]

I’ve already been working remote since March 2020, it’s been great. Currently doing school remote as well, I really never want to not work remotely ever again.

[Matalexander305]

@Deadpool

You should include module harmonic singularity for releasing stress

Good idea, been thinking about this for a while

[Matalexander305]

@AlexanderGraves

Are you running a ton of different subs or is this more or less a random occurrence in your life right now?

I’ve been switching subs quite a bit for the last 3-4 months. Went from Wanted, Primal, sanguine, CWON, Diamond, SM, PS, back to Wanted, Stark, Stark/Tsocial custom, Am and QL.

But yes, the changes in my life happened quite fast.

@AlexanderGraves

Try to figure out why everything changes and try to hone in on one or two areas!

Good idea

[AlexanderGraves]

@Matalexander305

I’ve been switching subs quite a bit for the last 3-4 months.

Well this might play into why all areas are moving.

I made that mistake in the past for sure, haha.

Try to run a stack for at least 3 months to actually be able to adapt to the changes!

[Deadpool]

Maybe module Patience or Temperance would solve the problem of constantly switching.

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

I’ll be starting my journey with KHAN on October 1st.

I’m done with guessing, with twiddling my thumbs and thinking all the time and I’m just tired of feeling held back by the constructs of my own mind. Time for DRASTIC CHANGES. TIME TO KILL THE BOY AND BECOME A MAN.

I can’t wait for total breakdown, I’m so tired of living with all these stupid insecurities, nervous ticks, and just… negative belief about myself. I hate the term alpha but I’ll use it anyways; I do have a lot of alpha/ masculine traits. But I also have some beta traits that I’ve been trying to get rid of for years. Social anxiety, timidity, approval seeking, arrogance, passivity. All these negative traits constantly clash with my more masculine qualities and I feel like I’m constantly at war with myself. And to others, it’s strange to see such a contrast.

How am I so confident, and so insecure at the same time? How am I so smart and so stupid at the same time? How am I so calm and so anxious at the same time? How am I so mature and so childish at the same time? It literally doesn’t make any sense. I don’t even understand myself and who I am because I feel like I’m everything at once which feels like nothing.

[Matalexander305]

Either way, total breakdown is the healing sub I’ve been waiting for.

I hope it kicks my ass, cause I know I’ll emerge stronger and more powerful than ever before

[Matalexander305]

I’ve also been think about modifying my custom. I really want to reintroduce Wanted into my stack. But since I’m committing to Khan and QL, the only way I can do that is putting it in my custom.

Now, my custom is as follows:

Summary

• Stark core
• True Social core
• Lion IV
• Dominion
• Submodel alpha
• Manipulus
• Dragons tongue
• Story teller
• Song of joy
• Emperor’s voice
• Voice Master
• Furious accent
• Natural winner
• Invincible presence
• Ethereal presence
• Entranced
• Elegance
• Stress displacement
• Yggdrasil
• Mosaic

My issue is I don’t want to drop Stark, as I really gel with the archetype. It’s the one sub that’s remained consistent in my stack for the vast majority of this year.

True social core feels like a necessity. I’ve always had issues with social anxiety this lead me to smoke weed and use alcohol to cope. So until I can heal that issue (which hopeful khan will do) I think I need to keep true social.

So basically I can’t add Wanted and it’s annoying me ALOT. My romantic life is getting fired up and of course It had to happen the exact month I dropped Wanted.