Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

Journals - Major Programs
#308

Holy sh!t, I have sexual trauma too. I totally forgot how big of an impact this had on my life. Iā€™ve already wrote about it before, but I didnā€™t understand just how big an impact this has had.

And that dissociation I was talking about, thatā€™s when it really got bad. I literally wouldnā€™t talk to anyone. I just walked around in a daze with that 1000 yard stare. Completely disconnecting from my environment. Then, thatā€™s when I started smoking a lot of of weed, which made things 10x worse.

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#309

No wonder Iā€™m so afraid of escalating with girls. Iā€™m afraid of the one thing I want. Sex. Iā€™m afraid of reliving that trauma again so i self sabotage in one way or another.

Like for example, 2 years ago I met a girl. She was into me and she made it clear she wanted to fuck. Matter of fact she was into the whole BDSM thing, so I was kind of excited. But I was also afraid, because of how I look and who I am, girls expect that Iā€™m super experienced when Iā€™m really not. And on top of that I have trauma related to the act itself.

Back to the story, after a few weeks of talking; she got fed up with me. I always said Iā€™d come over but I never did. Then she said something disrespectful to me over text and I completely ghosted her.

Now she probably hates me. All this couldā€™ve been avoided if I simply had the confidence to fuck her right. But this sexual trauma got in the way and I ruined my chance.

2 Likes
#310

I canā€™t even believe im saying all this on the forum, Iā€™ve never shared these experiences and feelings with anyone before

4 Likes
#311

Thank you for trusting us enough to share this. Dealing with things like rejection and/or ridicule (in the way youā€™ve described) is really tough. Itā€™s truly a vulnerable thing, and simply sharing it is huge :raised_hands:

2 Likes
#312

Now Iā€™m recalling another instance of ghosting girls.

When I was with this girl, another cute blonde girl started talking with me. We got pretty close, but it was weird because it was over text. (She had just changed from my school to another one.)

Anyways we really liked each other, sending each other hearts and stuff. Talking all day and night. Eventually when things got really serious with the first girl, I ghosted this one out of fear. I was afraid that if she found out I was talking to another girl, she would ditch me. Also, she was becoming so attached it was becoming a turn off.

So I ditched the other girl for her.

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#313

Yesterday was fun, my cousin is getting married and she had a wedding shower. Not going to lie, I was nervous about going. There was so many people there that I havenā€™t seen for a few years. But as soon as I got there, I was fine. I caught up with a bunch of people, drank aaaaaalot, and yeahā€¦ idk it was a lot of fun.

There was one girl who was friends with the bride, and manā€¦ sheā€™s hot. Like sheā€™s no 10, but Iā€™ve always found her super attractive. Anyways when I saw her at the party it was strangeā€¦ We had some awkward sexual tension going on, and it was kinda intense; and sheā€™s like 6 years older than me. It was so strange, she acted so awkward around me. I was confused at first, but then I caught on lol. Weirdest part is we didnā€™t really talk much, but I could still sense thickness in the air when she was close. Idk maybe Iā€™m just crazy.

Anywaysā€¦ I was day drinking for 8 hours and now my friend wanted to go to a Latin baršŸ˜‚

I was already drunk so I couldnā€™t wait. We got there and I was really excited to dance. Idk why but I was fucking HYPED. We all start dancing, I finally find my groove and i was on FIRE. Like i donā€™t know where I learned to dance like this, but I was killing it. My footwork was incredible, I was pulling all kind of slick moves. A few people commented on my dancing, ā€œyouā€™ve been practising aye?ā€ ā€œWhere did you learn to dance like that?ā€

And I was like idk lolā€¦ but it was awesome. I swear every time I drink, I am full Stark mode. I just wish I could be this way all the time.

3 Likes
#314

Bought my first car and Iā€™m getting it later today! Iā€™m so excited, finally I can start driving on my own

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#315

Primal has me feeling ultra confident right now. I didnā€™t even go out tonight, but my beliefs have changed.

Suddenly girls who I felt were out of my league, now I just think ā€œyeah, I could have herā€. ā€œWhatā€™s not to love about meā€

I feel unusually confident sexually, I feel like I could actually make the first move if I wanted to. As opposed to me usual ā€œwait for them to notice me, and hope they talk to meā€ attitude :roll_eyes:

Itā€™s kinda cool, now I want to go out and test this newfound confidence :sunglasses:

Primal is working FAST GHEEEEEZE

4 Likes
#316

Primal is the sh!t. I think I just found my new favourite sub

3 Likes
#317

In what kinds of ways?

How is your libido? Are you feeling overly sexual and find it hard not to fap? My biggest concern with primal is the intense sexual stimulation Iā€™ve read it causes. Any insight into that?

#318

Itā€™s exactly what I need. Like they say in the description: ā€œIt is the epitome of inner gameā€.

ā€¢ Itā€™s helping me let go of self limiting beliefs with women (like ā€œIā€™m not good enoughā€ ā€œSheā€™s taller than meā€),

ā€¢ I feel nonchalant (like wanted without the lazy feeling)

ā€¢ Social anxiety is down

ā€¢ I feel more optimistic towards life (mainly my love life)

ā€¢ I feel more attractive, noticing more IOIā€™s from hot girls, been more comfortable being around girls and talking to them, people have been treating me very well when Iā€™m out and about

ā€¢ Life feels more fun, itā€™s like I have the world in the palm of my hand and I can do anything I want.

5 Likes
#319

Libido is high, and yes Iā€™m feeling very sexual but in a different way. I feel this strong drive to be around hot chicks, and talk to them, and get them in bed. Itā€™s like Iā€™m horny, but I want real girls instead of digital titties.

This is totally different from how I used to be, I used to rely on pmo to avoid all the stresses that come with girls. Now I want it all

2 Likes
#320

I had a few realizations today:

  1. No girl is ā€œout of my leagueā€. Iā€™m no longer putting women on a pedestal, theyā€™re not these perfect angelic creatures. Theyā€™re human just like everyone else. Therefore being nervous around hot girls is pointless.

  2. Everyone finds me attractive, and I donā€™t care anymore. Looks are great, but men require more than just good looks to be successful with women

  3. I donā€™t give a fuck about celebrities. Itā€™s a little random but I think this has to do with Stark. I was thinking to myself ā€œWhy do people worship celebrities? They eat, breathe, p*ss and s!it just like everyone else? Why tf do people treat them like gods and worship the ground they walk onā€¦? Itā€™s super cringe.

  4. People talk, and since Iā€™ve been going out so much lately; Iā€™ve come to realize that most oftenā€¦ people talk about other people. This lead me to start thinking about my own reputation. How do I want to be perceived? When people talk about me, what kind of things do I want them to say?

  5. Iā€™ve noticed a lot of awkward silences when taking to others lately. Itā€™s like suddenly people look up to me, theyā€™re expecting me to carry on the conversation and Iā€™m not used to that. So theirs these awkward silences and itā€™s driving me nuts cause I canā€™t think of what to say. I just want to stop feeling and being awkward :roll_eyes:

3 Likes
#321

Great insights :slightly_smiling_face:

Learn to embrace it and love it. It is a powerful way of communication and a sign of high status. I remember years back when I started with self-development and my mentor told me to start implementing pauses as I spoke with people, I found it so weird and felt awkward. But nowadays Iā€™m completely fine with silence, it just became the most natural thing in the world.

Also, in public speaking, making pauses is a great way of keeping people hooked. I used to practice on removing all the ā€œummā€™sā€ when I holding a speech and replacing them with silence instead.

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#322

Yes I feel the same, itā€™s weird to me. Iā€™ve always been a fast speaker, but I think itā€™s because Iā€™m afraid that if I take a pause, Iā€™ll lose their attention or their interest.

I guess Iā€™ll have to practise this more!

Great idea, Iā€™m going to implement this!

1 Like
#323

The funny thing and as youā€™ll learn is that it is often the exact opposite :wink:

You can practice in all conversations to just make small pauses here and there, and youā€™ll start notice how you are more present with them and not only with yourself and what to say next.

Also there are many things you can do with your voice to be more interesting. Look into rapport speaking, thereā€™s three levels; seeking rapport, neutral rapport, and breaking rapport. High status people reside in their speaking in last two mostly.

Or you could just make a custom with Emperorā€™s Voice, Dragonā€™s Tongue, and Voice Master :joy:

1 Like
#324

I need to run Rebirth, I think this sub is going to be a game changer for me.

I need to become a new person, itā€™s so obvious now. Everything Iā€™m trying to do with subs revolves around this one thing. Letting go of my past life, and starting to live the life I want, not how everyone wants me to be.

1 Like
#325

All I do is worry about what others think of me and Iā€™m sick of it.

#326

PCC might be on deck too, I think this sub would annihilate my inferiority complex into a million pieces.

If I begin to act in a way that increases my power, status, sex appeal etc, all on a subconscious level then my inferiority complex simply could not exist.

#327

Today is the last day of my current rotation.
Stark, Primal, Sanguine.

I donā€™t want to drop any of these titles, and Iā€™m thinking of making a custom. Just not sure what direction I want to go. I could do a Rebirth + Sanguine with some healing modules and some other specific modules to address some weak points of mine. Iā€™d run this with Primal and Stark.

But, I also feel like my romantic life is about to get spicy. Something fresh is in the air and Iā€™m sensing something new coming. If so, Sex mastery and Diamond could make a debut in my stack. Might even make a Stark, Wanted custom that Iā€™ve planned multiple times but never made. But I also need to continue with Primal so maybe Iā€™ll hold back on Diamond and just do SM.

Hell I might even revamp my old custom and swap TS core for PCC, and maybe change a few modules.

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