Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

Matalexander305 · May 31, 2022, 11:19pm

Ok I’m going to be honest, something is really bothering me.

Since I’ve been going out to clubs and all, it’s been great. Being surrounded by so many people who love me is an amazing feeling, one that I’ve missed for a long time. Having friends, making new friends, that’s great.

But my romantic life is really bothering me. I feel strange being in the club and not hitting on girls… everywhere I look theirs dudes chatting up girls, dancing with girls, making out with girls and here I am standing there… and I’m afraid. I don’t know what to say to girls, don’t know how to open them etc.

Like I’ve talked to a few girls in the club, but it never went anywhere, I’d just run out of things to say and their would be an awkward silence and then they’d disappear. On top of that, all my convos started off friendly and casual. Which is good, and then I’d get that look… you know “the eyes”. And after that point, I can’t escalate any further. I just freeze up and forget everything.

So tomorrow when I begin my new cycle, I’m running Stark, likely Elixir and either Wanted or PS.
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Matalexander305 · May 31, 2022, 11:19pm

It’s extremely frustrating because I feel like PS and Wanted need to be stacked together for me. When I run one without the other, it just doesn’t feel right. Something is missing

But running Stark, Wanted and PS seems like a bit much.

Matalexander305 · May 31, 2022, 11:23pm

Also little note about Stark, I’ve never felt so social in my life. Like I’m starting to feel weird when I don’t talk to others.

Even online, when I’m not texting anyone I feel off. And I never used to feel this way. I used to love being anti social and now I can’t stand it.

Houdini · May 31, 2022, 11:41pm

Ascension would be a great help to negate the fear towards girls, increase your confidence and attraction.

It’s a good complement with Stark.

Matalexander305 · June 1, 2022, 10:59am

Stark, Primal, Ascension?

Stark, Primal, Elixir?

Stark, Primal, Wanted?

It’s down to these three, might just close my eyes and pick at this point

Matalexander305 · June 2, 2022, 1:37am

Stark, Ascension, Elixir = Winner Gagnant

Matalexander305 · June 2, 2022, 2:51pm

Had some crazy vivid dreams last night, I dreamt that me. My brother and his friends broke into a high school and threw a huge party. And when I say huge, I mean we invited every school in our city to the party. I remember having a capacity limit of 24,900 people at the party

It was nuts, people were doing crazy shit, I remember asking my brother “Aren’t you afraid we’ll get caught? And he said he didn’t care.

Later on a huge group of police cars pulled up outside. One female cop walked up to me specifically started interrogating me in front of the whole party. What’s strange is she suddenly swapped clothes in the blink of an eye, and everyone else seemed to fade into the background. She handcuffed me and started feeding me drugs.

First she injected me with some sort of truth serum type of thing, then some opioid stuff, then she made me sniff glue (lmao) None of it seemed to affect me, it’s like I’m as immune.

As all of this was happening I was flirting with her the whole time. Eventually we got up, I grabbed her by the hand and brought her to a bedroom. Then she walked out, grabbed a hot friend and I ended up having a three some with them both

Matalexander305 · June 3, 2022, 1:35pm

So I’m in a bit of recon right now and suddenly I’m not as social, and I’ve been very social this week.

This made me realize that whenever I go through any kind of emotional turmoil, I avoid everyone like the plague.

Maybe I should stick with Sanguine

Matalexander305 · June 5, 2022, 6:20pm

Yeah so my stack is Stark, Primal, and Sanguine.

Reason I dropped Ascension is because I’m already running Stark, and I have been running it for probably 3-4 months now. So I may as well stick with it since I’ve already came this far. I really like how Stark feels. I’m hilarious, I’m charismatic, my status is steadily rising, I’m going out more, I’m making friends, and more.

Now, I’ve had a very strong urge to play romance titles lately. At first I thought it was just my ego trying to seek validation from girls, but I came to a different conclusion. I ran Wanted Zp for a good 2-3 cycles, and it worked! My physique looks great, my hair looks flawless, I’m getting hollow cheeks, a sharper jawline, my behaviour is more coquettish, mysterious etc…

But, something always felt off. I knew I looked good, I knew women were checking me out, I knew women WANTED ME. But I subconsciously rejected them.

ALL OF THEM, and this is due to my internal state. I feel unworthy, I feel like an imposter. People probably see me and think “Damn he’s hot, surely he’s getting laid”. NOPE, I’m not, and why? Because I subconsciously reject girls. I don’t smile at girls, I rarely talk to girls, hell I don’t even feel comfortable around girls, even girls lower on the 1-10 scale, theirs always awkward tension. I know they find me attractive, and I don’t know how to think, feel, act etc. It’s actually makes me nervous, girls constantly staring at me. To the point where I get angry and ignore them, make intimidating faces, act overtly nonchalant and arrogant.

Like wtf is wrong with me, I hate that I possess these traits it’s disgusting. I want to get rid of this trash

I think this is why I subconsciously reject them, I don’t feel worthy of all this attention. I have everything going for me on the outside (except maybe height) but, MY INNER GAME IS WEAK AND THATS WHY I KEEP SABOTAGING MYSELF.

This is why I’m running Primal.

Matalexander305 · June 5, 2022, 6:44pm

Sanguine,

Negativity consumes me, it ruins everything in my life. I’m not myself when I’m angry. It may sound weird but I’m genuinely scared of myself when I get angry. I feel violent and I can’t let it out so you can imagine my inner world just goes berserk.

Bottom line, I’m very prone to negativity and I hate it. Everything goes wrong when I’m negative and everything goes right when I’m positive.

Matalexander305 · June 5, 2022, 7:29pm

I’ve come to a realization.

So I hang out with my brother a lot; we’re two years apart. But he sometimes hangs with my sister and her friends (who are 3 - 5 years younger than me)

So by coincidence, I sometimes end up hanging with them too. The first few times were fine; it felt a little weird but whatever. But, I’ve been noticing the girls’ behaviour changing around me.

They’re into me, and that’s dangerous. Being around younger girls with alcohol… So last night, one of my sister’s friends brought her younger sister, who is 13

The whole night she kept staring at me, and eventually, she started talking to me. It was obvious she was into me, and it was SO AWKWARD. We were all in the hot tub, and eventually, it was just us two talking alone. And that’s when I decided, “yeah, this could look really bad on me.”

So I got up and left. After that night, I don’t think I’m going to be hanging out with my sister anymore. It’s a disaster waiting to happen, and rumours spread like wildfires. I don’t need that sh!t in my life.

Matalexander305 · June 6, 2022, 10:30pm

My ego is starting to annoy me. My arrogance is starting to annoy me. My lack of assertiveness is starting to annoy me. My laziness is starting to annoy me. My lack of emotional control is starting to annoy me. My susceptibility to manipulation is starting to annoy me. My phone is starting to annoy me. My terrible attention span is starting to annoy me. My environment is starting to annoy me. The people who surround me are starting to annoy me. My own thoughts are starting to annoy me. My low confidence levels are starting to annoy me. The lack of romance in my life is starting to annoy me. My daily routines are starting to annoy me. My constant state of negativity is starting to annoy me.

In essence, everything is annoying me right now. And I don’t know what to do about it.

All I know is listen to subs or change subs. I don’t know what to do and it’s really getting on my nerves

Tobyone · June 6, 2022, 11:12pm

This itching and annoyance you experience is a good sign, you are on the right path. Things you have learned to tolerate that you don’t like are being brought to the surface for you to become aware of and smite away.

Remember it’s a marathon not a sprint… and consistency is king!

SWITCH · June 7, 2022, 7:02pm

Spot on. I feel like this too. That’s why I decided to run Primal.

Matalexander305 · June 7, 2022, 8:34pm

It’s either Elixir’s bloom or it’s Primal. One of them is causing me serious recon. Childhood trauma is rising to the surface and it’s really uncomfortable.
I actually had a very deep realization today:

I have childhood trauma
I’m dissociative

What is Dissociation?

[details=“Summary”]

“Dissociation is a process in which a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories, behaviors, physical sensations, or sense of identity.

“Trauma-Related Dissociation is sometimes described as a ‘mental escape’ when physical escape is not possible, or when a person is so emotionally overwhelmed that they cannot cope any longer. Sometimes dissociation is like ‘switching off’. Some survivors describe it as a way of saying ‘this isn’t happening to me’.

“These reactions are usually temporary but, in cases of severe or repeated trauma, dissociation may last longer. This can be frightening and difficult to explain to others.” [/details]

After watching a few videos on childhood trauma, I realized that my parents did this to me. And they’re not even aware of it. Constantly shouting and arguing with each other. That’s all I heard growing up, and I thought it was normal…

Then as I got older, I started lashing out. (This is a learned way to get your parents to stop fighting). But then my dad would yell at me. Swear at me, belittle me. So I was constantly angry all the time. Then the rebellion got worse. I started falling behind in school, I didn’t care about homework, or my grades. I started hiding video games like GTA and COD from my parents. Then it escalated to me stealing small amounts of alcohol from them. Then trying weed etc.

All of this, was hidden to everyone we know. Our public image as a family was that of a nice, well mannered, respectable family. But behind closed doors it was chaotic and quite frankly toxic.

Matalexander305 · June 7, 2022, 8:58pm

Last night my dad started yelling all passive aggressively. He was in the kitchen making dinner, then out of nowhere stared swearing and yelling.

“That’s okay just relax and I’ll make set the table for dinner” followed by some other F bombs and complaining that I tuned out of ( ofc )

And for the first time, I got fed up. I was ready to say something. As we sit down to eat, he says “I don’t know what’s wrong with this family but no ones ever happy and I’m sick of it”. “If you want to come to the dinner table all grumpy and mad at the world, don’t come at all”.

I say: “you were literally yelling all passive aggressively like 2 mins ago, you’re the one who’s angry”.

“B-BUT no one ever does it. It’s always me, you never even offer? All you guys do is hide in your rooms and go on your phones. It’s embarrassing, we didn’t raise you like that”.

What’s funny is, yes you clearly did raise us like that. You never asked us to help set the table when we were growing up. You did raise us to be this way…

“It’s embarrassing, it’s disgusting”.I understand his point and I kind of agree with him to a degree. But he always uses these disapproving kinds of words to describe our behaviours. But again, WHO RAISED US? WHO ALLOWED US TO DEVELOP THESE HABITS? Who’s just getting angry at us after raising your kids for 17-22 years.

Anyways, instead of getting angry and yelling back at him. I calmly said “Yes, I understand. Can you please not yell. And at first he continued yelling and my sister started crying and ran to her room.

It’s so annoying because it’s always the same thing with him. He’s all passive then out of nowhere freaks the fuck out, starts banging shit, swearing, gets all aggressive. Then he apologizes later and everyone just forgets about it until the next time.

This toxic cycle has been happening my whole life and I’m sick of it

SWITCH · June 7, 2022, 9:59pm

I can feel this. I have that can of dad too,he always complains and finds fault in most things I do.

SWITCH · June 7, 2022, 10:01pm

My dad always say this!!
My sibling and I always run away from the sitting room to hide in our respective rooms with our phones. Such a boring home.

Matalexander305 · June 7, 2022, 10:43pm

It’s a learnt behaviour. When I was growing up, my parents were always screaming at each other. So we’d all run off to our rooms and hide. Then we would distract ourselves with whatever we could. Tv, books, music.

Now we carry these traits into adulthood

Matalexander305 · June 7, 2022, 11:01pm

I fell off, getting back on it.

Every night 15 mins