Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

Matalexander305 · May 26, 2022, 10:24pm

Know what, F romance titles. I don’t need that right now. I need to focus on my career/ money and my social life.

I’m good looking enough, Wanted will return when I’ve got these two down pat.

Now I need to decide… do I make a Stark custom focused on improving my career, wealth, productivity etc. So I can run another social title like Daredevil or PCC along with Elixir?

Or do I go ahead with that idea of Elixir & Sanguine with certain healing modules to address important personal issues that hold me back. And, run it with Stark and Daredevil, PCC or maybe even limitless executive cause I’ve been extremely lazy the last 3-4 months and I’m getting tired of my own BS.

Washout starts today. T - 5 days to decide

Matalexander305 · May 26, 2022, 11:24pm

My god this journal’s a whole ass roller coaster

Matalexander305 · May 26, 2022, 11:38pm

Because my productivity is so low, I’m going to try something new. I’ve been looking for actions I can take to help these subs “breathe”.

So every day, I will choose to do one thing that will help propel me forwards. And I’m going to use this journal to keep myself accountable.

It may be something small; it may be something big. Bottom line, I need to do something; I cannot continue to float through my life feeling like I’m getting nowhere.

I feel full of energy and optimism when I’m progressing. Lately, I haven’t been feeling that way… and that says a lot.

So starting tonight: I’m going to read for 15 minutes before bed tonight. Currently reading: “The Presence Process.”

Matalexander305 · May 27, 2022, 12:05am

25 mins = done

Matalexander305 · May 27, 2022, 12:37pm

Ok so this cycle I did some experimentation. I tried 3 min, 7 min, and full 15 min loops. I also experimented with extra rest days and even tried running a fourth program (libertine) a few times just to see how I would react to 4 programs + ASC.

First realization: 3,5, and 7 mins isn’t enough for me. Running full 15 minute loops get me the best results. Yes the recon is deeper, yes sometimes I need an extra rest day to process, but overall it’s the best for me personally. (ASC too, full 7 min > 3 min)

Other realization: I can run 4 programs at once + ASC. But the results come much slower. And it slows down the progression of all the other subs. So I definitely wouldn’t advise doing this.

Matalexander305 · May 27, 2022, 1:37pm

Last realization: Low volume works best for me. Growing up, my parents argued a lot. Yelling and screaming all the time. So naturally I developed a hatred for people who yell. Even when my dad would yell at me growing up, it made me extremely angry to the point where I’d completely lose my shit and ignore/resist anything he said.

So it only makes sense that running my subs at a higher volume would lead to a similar effect where I would resist the scripts and get really angry during recon.

Matalexander305 · May 29, 2022, 3:22pm

The urge to play Wanted is so high rn

Matalexander305 · May 29, 2022, 4:35pm

Know what, Rebirth feels like the sub I need right now.

I got a real good feeling about this one. Im going through a massive transition right now. I really am becoming a new person, a better person, the man I always wanted to be.

And I’ve been challenged with a lot of self limiting beliefs lately. It’s getting annoying, my mind should be my ally, it shouldn’t be constantly self sabotaging

Imposter syndrome is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. The way others see me isn’t how I see myself. The more I interact with others and watch how how they react to me… the more I realize how great I am 🥲

Not only that, I realize how much I limit myself. If I could just let go, and fully be myself… man… my life would a dream.

It may sound weird but in my head, I can imagine myself as that 10/10 charismatic, funny, talented, attractive man. But when it comes to real life, it’s like that all disappears. I automatically become my “old self”. And I don’t like it anymore, I want to be the man I see in my head, and I know I can be him!

Matalexander305 · May 30, 2022, 8:43pm

I feel like I’ve jumped timelines, I went to the club this weekend and ran into a bunch of people from high school… and what was strange is that they were all ECSTATIC to see me. Their was one guy who I used to have beef with, and when he saw me his face lit up with the biggest smile and he dapped me up.

I was so confused because I thought all these people hated me. But they were so happy to see me, it’s like I’m that guy again. The funny, attractive one that everyone loved back in grade 10. That’s why I say it’s like I’ve jumped timelines. All those negative, traumatic experiences… it’s like they happened in another world.

Another thing too, I’m f*cking hilarious. I was making everyone laugh HYSTERICALLY. To the point where I could tell people were surprised. I could also feel that direct influencing aura firing on all cylinders. I was hyping up everyone, it’s like my energy was infectious.

Then… I blacked out😅

Only thing I remember after the club is that, we ran into these two guys. One was playing the saxophone, the other was playing the tuba. Saxophone dude was going crazy and the base dude was just playing nonchalant af. It was hilarious, everyone was hyping them up. I have a vid of it on my phone and it kills me everytime I watch it🤣

Next morning I woke up (still drunk). I check IG and I have 3 new followers. 2 dudes I was talking too (which one burnt me with his cigarette lmao) and a girl. The girl was some chick from another bar. I completely forgot I talked to her LOL.

That morning my brother told me “You’re so versatile”. And I was confused… what’s that’s supposed to mean. Then he says, idk you’re just always good to have around. Any situation, you always make it better. I almost shed a tear 🥲

But he’s right, I am versatile. I can be the life of the party, I can be the quietest guy in the room, I can be super polite and professional, and I can act like a drunk idiot, I can be very seductive and flirty, or I can be totally casual and friendly. I can be and arrogant d!ck and I can be extremely genuine and humble. I’m so many different things at the same time it’s actually kind of weird now that I think about it.

Oh, then my sister said “I swear you’re always talking to girls”.

I just laughed… duhhh

Houdini · May 30, 2022, 8:54pm

I knew Rebirth was going to help you with integration.

Good job!

Matalexander305 · May 30, 2022, 9:01pm

The only annoying thing was, I wasn’t confident sexually. I’m missing that sexy masculine ouf that I felt on Wanted. On Wanted, it was like “You’re lucky if you even get a crumb of my attention”. On Stark it’s like I’m already getting so much attention I might as well share the spotlight and show everyone some love too. Which is good, I like it… but I should be pulling chicks.

I talked to a lot of hot chicks that night, but it was in a very friendly manner. (Which is stupid… Im not trying to be friends with hot chicks… )
I wasn’t flirty for some reason. To be honest I felt like I wasn’t good enough to pull these girls. “I’m not tall enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not strong enough to handle a girl like that”.

Matalexander305 · May 30, 2022, 9:36pm

Haven’t even ran it yet…

But for some reason, I feel like I am running it…? Maybe Elixir is working it’s magic

Matalexander305 · May 30, 2022, 10:36pm

Today’s as another example of this. Despite getting very little sleep last night, I was in a great mood today. I was saying hi to everyone at work, I was smiling, I was starting conversations.

This hot Latvian girl who works with me stared at me a lot today and even gave me a lil smirk. (She used to always ignore me)

It’s so weird, I just feel like a new and improved version of myself. Definitely going to be sticking with Stark

Plutus · May 30, 2022, 10:38pm

Seems like my prediction came true;)

Matalexander305 · May 30, 2022, 10:43pm

Even on the way home I had a conversation with my dad about how I limit myself.

I don’t believe in myself.
I don’t take enough action

My thinking is so negative. It’s always “what if this goes wrong, what if that goes wrong”. But what if it all goes right?

For four years I was stuck in a negative spiral. Everything in my life was negative. And my dad told me that what I did today… acknowledging it, it’s the first step

Who would’ve thought? I mean that’s how I quit smoking weed. Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step. And let me tell you… I was down bad. I needed that crap like I needed air. Now… absolutely zero urge to ever touch it again.

Now how can I do that with my thoughts? Hmmm

Sanguine… Elixir… and Stark.

Of course, all this talk about changing subs this month only to realize I was running the perfect stack all along

Matalexander305 · May 30, 2022, 10:44pm

You’re a wizard Harry! 🧙‍♂

Plutus · May 30, 2022, 10:57pm

To be honest if I was you I’d stick with Stark and not add Sanguine or Elixir. Reason being is I feel like your a lot like me so I’m hoping I can help you in some way. Stark already has some healing components and since healing can usually cause recon I feel like adding Sanguine and Elixir might be overkill. Also if you ever had any negatives thinking, behavior or trauma Stark alone will help you get rid of it (I had a negative experience back in highschool with people and girls where I would get heavily cyber bullied which impacted me for a few years and Stark help me get over it and continue thriving in life.)

Matalexander305 · May 30, 2022, 11:51pm

Interesting perspective. You might be onto something. I’ll give it some thought.

Damn sorry to hear about that, I know how you feel man. Now I get it, why you wanted me to stick with Stark.

Plutus · May 30, 2022, 11:54pm

Yeah because I’ve been threw similar pain to yours probably aha:)

Matalexander305 · May 31, 2022, 10:07am

Maybe I should stack Stark with Ascension. I feel like Ascension is the ultimate “glow up” sub. (Next to Wanted of course)

And you could say that’s kind of what I’m going through right now