Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

Journals - Major Programs
#328

Idk how to say this.

I feel feminine. The energy I radiate is feminine, and Iā€™m disgusted by it. Wanted made me realize that Iā€™m an attractive man, and now that Iā€™ve gotten so many compliments on my looks, I donā€™t care about it anymore.

But one thing that irritates me is my energy. Iā€™m a pretty boy, and I hate it. I donā€™t feel like a man; I feel like Iā€™m on some weird androgynous type of shit. Iā€™m very masculine but also very feminineā€¦ and this feminine energy is starting to annoy me.

When Iā€™m in a group of men, I hardly feel like one. I feel like an imposter, itā€™s like theyā€™re all men, and Iā€™m still a boy. Does that make sense? I donā€™t know what Iā€™m trying to get at with this post, but this is something thatā€™s been on my mind a lot since I began running Primal.

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#329

Did you tried GLM?

#330

Not yet, though Iā€™m tempted to run it

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#331

Or Emperor.

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#332

Maybe worth a shot. Its the only title with pure masculinity. This is different from all alpha titles.

#333

Or u can add the Lion IV module into your custom.

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#334

Yes emperor is a good alpha title but its too dense and there is all the sexual scripting and more. GLM is pure masculinity.

#335

GLM
Embrace your masculine side and heal yourself from any traumas that might be holding you back from expressing your masculinity.

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#336

Primal is supposed to heal your primal masculinity.

Iā€™m sure with time, and certainly after this assessment their will be a breakthrough around the corner and youā€™ll start become that Man you always aspired to be.

I notice with Zero Point it tackles specific issues and by overcoming them, more and more of the program finds a path of execution, it takes a little bit of time. Be patient and youā€™ll get there ā€” make sure to enjoy the process and not to burden yourself :slight_smile:

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#338

Also @Matalexander305, I noticed Stark has some deep scripting regarding empathy, and gentleness.

For me, it always had such a soft feminine feel to it.

I do not think this is you but just the Stark archetype.

How are you feeling now on Primal?

Iā€™m using Primal Seduction and am loving it ā€” I like its Primal aspects a lot, itā€™s that kind of alpha title where you do not often get into trouble with other males. Feels masculine, dominant, and carefree but with a playful edge to it.

Living life and enjoying it a lot.

I connect deeper with others, and can still maintain great relationships with other males unlike Godlike Masculinity, Ascension, Emperor, etc

Where it always felt like I was above them, leading them, not a direct relationship from being equals.

Primal feels more like careless regarding the social hierarchy but you will grow into the man you desire, deep within, to be.

A free man who loves himself, and enjoys the company of others.

One who likes adventures, and escapades of all sorts and likes to have fun, without taking life too seriously.

Itā€™s truly an amazing archetype in my opinion.

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#339

I think the problem here isnā€™t you being highly feminine, itā€™s you not being masculine enough to your standards. As you said here, you feel like a boy. Thatā€™s someone who doesnā€™t believe theyā€™re a man yet and youā€™re feeling dissatisfaction from not yet living up to your standards of masculinity. There are plenty of men that I know of that are very masculine and quite feminine, yet are incredibly attractive and happy with their lives.

In fact, I consider myself to be quite feminine as well but what causes me dissatisfaction is my lack of masculinity, not my high feminine traits - which have been quite attractive to women, people and it gives me pleasure in my own life. I feel the same way you do sometimes, so Iā€™m running Emperor to help alleviate that. My experiences may or may not be relevant to what youā€™re feeling right now but hope that helps.

For others, they find themselves becoming far more masculine. Itā€™s best not to extrapolate your experiences to be something that everyone else will experience since it may cause confusion.

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#340

:point_up_2: What @Beowulf said. I am or rather used to be in the same position, and I always have been. But the more Iā€™ve embraced my masculinity and allow it to grow the more I feel that I ā€œbelongā€ with the (masculine) men. I used to feel really insecure and ā€˜secondaryā€™ when being around men that I looked up to - which led me to depend on others to take charge in basically everything. And being around men younger than me would totally cripple my frame.
A feminine shadow trait? I also started from a very feminine ā€œstarting pointā€ so I can really relate.

Can you describe how the female energy expresses itself for you - and the things about it that you dislike and would like to change?

Running Emperor really helped me embracing my (divine) masculinity. I have no experience of GLM but it sounds like a solid choice too.

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#341

Hard to describe right now. Yesterday I decided to swap Sanguine for CWON and my first loop sent me into some of the most intense recon Iā€™ve ever experienced. (Iā€™m still feeling it right now).

Because of this, my judgment is kind of clouded right now. So itā€™s hard to explain what Iā€™m feeling.

I would agree with this, this is how I feel. But Iā€™m experiencing a lot of stress right now and I donā€™t know why. I feel almost borderline, all my emotions have been ramped up 100x. (Especially anger)

Yesterday there were times I was ecstatically happy, laughing my @$$ off, there were times I felt sad and depressed, their were times I felt extremely angry, like violent thoughts and everything. Itā€™s was such a strange experience.

Sounds a lot like me :slight_smile:

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#342

Iā€™ve been feeling really anxious lately. Like I donā€™t want to talk to anyone at work, I donā€™t feel like going out, hell I barley want to go to the gym.

Speaking about the gym, I didnā€™t want to go the gym at all yesterday. But I forced myself to go anyways. When I walked in, their were a lot of hot girls and it made me nervous. I knew I looked good and I was getting their attention, but it made me nervous. I didnā€™t want them to talk to me, I didnā€™t want them to look at me, I just wanted to be left alone.

I felt like I was on crack, I could hardly sit sill let alone breathe. When I hit the weights I was getting angry, like ANGRY. I even noticed a few people giving me weird looks, almost like they were intimidated by me.

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#343

Youā€™re definitely right about that, I have incredibly high standards.

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#344

Iā€™m very proper, people have always described me as Elegant, graceful, meticulous etc. These are feminine traits to me. I donā€™t have the deepest voice, I have feminine features such as long eyelashes, big butt (for a man lol), blonde Justin beiber type hair. Iā€™ve always been a nice guy, friendly and polite to everyone, never wanting to take sides during arguments.

I have this weird anxiety about expressing my own views for fear of offending or disagreeing with others as it may lead to a fight or an argument. (This is probably trauma from watching my parents constantly fighting when I was growing up). I have a hard time asserting myself, at work Iā€™m in a semi leadership role where I have to tell people what to do and I have trouble with it. Something about it telling others how to do their job stresses me out, itā€™s like Iā€™m afraid to upset others, Iā€™ve somehow convinced myself everyoneā€™s feelings are my responsibility and I canā€™t seem to let go of it.

When Iā€™m in my car listening to music, I turn it down sometimes because Iā€™m worried the people around me will think itā€™s ā€œgayā€ or whatever. When Iā€™m on my phone in public, I often turn down my brightness so that no one can see what Iā€™m reading, listening too, etc.

So instead of just owning who I am, and what I like, I constantly hide out of fear of judgment. That is a feminine trait

#345

The fact that youre admitting all this at all, definitely seems to me like youre starting to accept these things more. Or at the very least that your stack is working on them. The good thing about accepting these types of things, is that once you accept them, you notice how easy it is to actually change them or lessen their impact on you a bit.

Its good to realize though that when your only naming these instances and traits that are ā€œfeminineā€, it makes you blind to all the other traits you have that are masculine. Its a balance after all, the most masculine dude in the world will still have feminine traits, and thats for the better as 100% masculinity would cause a shitton of problems (as would femininity).

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#346

I was rightā€¦

Had a thing going with this Columbian chick last night and manā€¦

Iā€™m losing my mind right now, sheā€™s so hot oml :heart_eyes:

Letā€™s see where this goes :sunglasses:

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#347

I literally canā€™t stop thinking about her, itā€™s driving me insane.

Sheā€™s literally everything Iā€™ve ever wanted in a girl

Wtf is this sorcery Primal?

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#348

Backstory, it was Canada Day, and I went to hang out with a few people. When I got there, there was a Colombian girl that I had previously met in the club. I didnā€™t think much about her at first, but that changed pretty quickly.

What first caught me off guard was when she took off her glasses. My jaw dropped; I was genuinely shocked. Itā€™s crazy how people look so different with and without glasses. Anyways, there were three Columbians and three white ppl, so obviously, they started dancing and again, my mind was blown :sweat_smile:

We went to the balcony, and she started flirting with me like CRAZY. Everyone could tell; we were up close and personal, touching each other, staring deep into each otherā€™s eyes. Ugh, she was so seductive. I swear that girl had me in a trance. I could literally see her undressing me with her eyes, it was mad sexy.

We went to watch the fireworks downtown, we were sitting next to each other the whole time, flirting continued etc. etc. At this point, everyone could tell we were into each other. She started leaning on me, touching my hand etc. All our friends kept staring at us and giggling.

On the walk home, we locked arms and talked the whole time. We were so preoccupied that we lost our friend group, and I remember them yelling, ā€œHey Romeo and Juliet, letā€™s go!ā€ :joy:

The night was so passionate and romantic, I could tell she wanted to kiss me, but not in front of everyone. It was annoying cause I donā€™t give a single F. Anyways, before she left she gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

The whole night was real cute and romantic, Iā€™m not used to taking things this slow it was a little weird but nevertheless I enjoyed it. Iā€™m really feeling her, butterflies and everything and we havenā€™t even kissed yetā€¦

LORD HELP ME

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