Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

I did lmaoo

Yeah donā€™t judge me, iā€™m a young idiot that purposely does dumb shit to gain wisdom and experience. Books can only take you so far, you need experience and to take action to internalize it.

For example: I already KNEW all of this, but I hadnā€™t fully internalized it yet. Hence why I had this experience.

Now that Iā€™ve EXPERIENCED it first hand, itā€™s been internalized and I now extrapolate this knowledge and wisdom into other areas of my life.

This is what Andrew Tate meant when he said ā€œReading books is a waste of timeā€. Because you do not internalize the wisdom by simply reading. Thatā€™s just mental masturbation. If you read a book and take action on the knowledge being given to youā€¦ then thatā€™s a different story.

But was it necessary to read all 500 pages to gain 3-4 important bits of advice? You couldā€™ve simply used a book summary app or something of that nature and saved a lot of time. And he always preaches SPEED. But if you read for entertainment purposes, thatā€™s on you, no harm in it.

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Depends on the book. Dating wise? Probably. Wealth wise? Definitely (Most wealth books are just the same exact topic and advice. Educational books about tech/cyber security, good luck surviving in the field without reading a book about it lol.

As I always C O N T E X T.

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Day 2 of feeling exceptionally bored and pissed off at the world

Let the games begin :upside_down_face:

Actually I take that back, recon is fading away.
Slowly regaining my composure. Still feeling very aggressive though, almost lost it on a worker this morning. But I kept my mouth shut.

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Day 1 of my washout.

Still feel a bit strange, I was rather aggressive today for some reason. Not towards others but with my work and with my internal dialogue. Certainly a lot more reserved than Iā€™ve been for the past 2-3 weeks. Hardly any smiling, avoiding convos and eye contract. All the old traits I used to possess (and still do to a degree).

And thereā€™s a central theme here: Escapism.

Iā€™ll try and explain it in more detail:
Growing up, I hated school. I had hardly any interest in academics, it was super boring to me, so as a result I began day dreaming a lot. I even perfected the art of pretending to listen while drifting off into another world. Ofc sometimes the teacher would ask me a question and I would take a second to snap backšŸ˜‚, but it got me through school. That, phys Ed and music.

Same with homework, I was always a chronic procrastinator. Yes I was that kid that, when it came time to hand in projects; you know I was gonna be late. Homework was always so boring, I couldnā€™t study for the life of me. So Iā€™d sit down, try and do it. Get dreadfully bored after 5 minutes and then start drifting off into my imagination. Later this became, using my phone as a tool of escapism.

It escalated in the summer of 2016, my parents had recently told us that they were getting divorced. I wasnā€™t consciously mad at first. But it but it slowly started to really affect me on a subconscious level. My friends started getting into weed and so did I. Was relatively harmless at first, made me feel amazing. Some of my greatest memories were from those days back in summer 16ā€™. But it soon began to spiral out of control.

This happened:

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Then this:

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And thatā€™s when I began using weed as a means to escape.

Escape what you might ask? Pain, the pain of being rejected, the pain of my parents divorce, the pain of falling behind in school, feeling like theirs something wrong with my brain because I canā€™t f*cking focus on this boring and useless sh!t.

Long story short, I stoped hiding from my demons about 3 years ago and thank god I did. (Havenā€™t touched it since, (actually I did once by accident but thatā€™s another story).

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What am I getting at with this whole escapism thing, itā€™s my automatic go to. Itā€™s my emergency off button. When I feel like I canā€™t handle something, I immediately detach in one way or another.

Luckily Iā€™ve gotten rid of my more toxic way of doing this, but itā€™s still present in my daily life. And I think itā€™s a problem

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Reminds me of a funny time when I told @GoldenTiger I would punch him if he ever smokes weed again. He laugh, I didnā€™t and since then he hasnā€™t touched weed yet :slight_smile:

Yes Iā€™m a good friend who cares about their health but sometimes people need a little nudge to go in the right direction :innocent:

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If Iā€™m being honest more then 50% of people in our day in age would be toxic so itā€™s nothing be surprised by. Like I always tell you I have a bunch of people I know and a big social circle but people I really consider friends? That number would be 2 compared to the 20+ people I know and hang out with from time to time because of different values and I know some for a fact weā€™re toxic in the past. I have one rule and itā€™s been serving me well. If a girl or a friend has ever hurt me in the past (Toxic or otherwise), I will by no circumstances be friends with them ever again even if they changed. Same thing with girls Iā€™ve had girls that weā€™re attractive in the past and are attractive now but hurt me (And when I mean hurt I donā€™t mean rejection I mean pain pain) who I will never ever date or even have fun with no matter how much they love me because they had their chance and they decided to play with it so in return I wonā€™t give them the time of day nor will I care (Most of the time I will just leave them on read or block them).

To some this might seem harsh but in our generation (Gen Z) itā€™s either I trust you and we go through life together and help each other become successful or you hurt me/your toxic and weā€™re never going to be close ever again even if you say you ā€œchangedā€.

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Yoo thatā€™s facts,

Exactly, theirs a lot of toxic ppl our age now a days. So many never wanna see you succeed, so theyā€™ll do their best to drag you down (even if theyā€™re not aware of it). Thatā€™s another big part of my story, people who I thought were my friends all stabbed me in the back, never cared, never reached out when I was clearly not well.

I can count on one hand all my real friends, and I think itā€™ll always be that way

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Itā€™s funny, @Vesper mentioned something about smoking not being cool. And it made me ponder what makes something ā€œcoolā€?

Then this video popped into my feed, and it explains a lotā€¦ things I already subconsciously did.
Itā€™s not what you do, itā€™s how you do it.

If you do any type of smoking itā€™s still not cool :slight_smile:
Itā€™s why you do it that matters.

Actually I found a good video that explain this by MPMD (Not relating to smoking but relating to the misunderstood idea of what guys think will get a girl when in reality it wouldnā€™t):

And this one which goes back to my point where you shouldnā€™t buy stuff because you think girls will like you for it. If you want to buy something buy it because you truly want it:

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Choo choo train girl at it again :roll_eyes:

ā€œYouā€™d be lucky to f*ck meā€ lolā€¦

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I did not know you are already a father :slight_smile:

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Me neither haha

Is it weird that the girl looks like a girl who use to have a crush on me :face_with_raised_eyebrow:

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Lolll

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