Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

Last night my dad started yelling all passive aggressively. He was in the kitchen making dinner, then out of nowhere stared swearing and yelling.

“That’s okay just relax and I’ll make set the table for dinner” followed by some other F bombs and complaining that I tuned out of ( ofc )

And for the first time, I got fed up. I was ready to say something. As we sit down to eat, he says “I don’t know what’s wrong with this family but no ones ever happy and I’m sick of it”. “If you want to come to the dinner table all grumpy and mad at the world, don’t come at all”.

I say: “you were literally yelling all passive aggressively like 2 mins ago, you’re the one who’s angry”.

“B-BUT no one ever does it. It’s always me, you never even offer? All you guys do is hide in your rooms and go on your phones. It’s embarrassing, we didn’t raise you like that”.

What’s funny is, yes you clearly did raise us like that. You never asked us to help set the table when we were growing up. You did raise us to be this way…

“It’s embarrassing, it’s disgusting”.I understand his point and I kind of agree with him to a degree. But he always uses these disapproving kinds of words to describe our behaviours. But again, WHO RAISED US? WHO ALLOWED US TO DEVELOP THESE HABITS? Who’s just getting angry at us after raising your kids for 17-22 years.

Anyways, instead of getting angry and yelling back at him. I calmly said “Yes, I understand. Can you please not yell. And at first he continued yelling and my sister started crying and ran to her room.

It’s so annoying because it’s always the same thing with him. He’s all passive then out of nowhere freaks the fuck out, starts banging shit, swearing, gets all aggressive. Then he apologizes later and everyone just forgets about it until the next time.

This toxic cycle has been happening my whole life and I’m sick of it

[SWITCH]

I can feel this. I have that can of dad too,he always complains and finds fault in most things I do.

[SWITCH]

@Matalexander305

B-BUT no one ever does it. It’s always me, you never even offer? All you guys do is hide in your rooms and go on your phones. It’s embarrassing, we didn’t raise you like that”.

My dad always say this!!
My sibling and I always run away from the sitting room to hide in our respective rooms with our phones. Such a boring home.

[Matalexander305]

@SWITCH

My dad always say this!!
My sibling and I always run away from the sitting room to hide in our respective rooms with our phones. Such a boring home.

It’s a learnt behaviour. When I was growing up, my parents were always screaming at each other. So we’d all run off to our rooms and hide. Then we would distract ourselves with whatever we could. Tv, books, music.

Now we carry these traits into adulthood

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

@Matalexander305

So starting tonight: I’m going to read for 15 minutes before bed tonight. Currently reading: “The Presence Process.”

25 mins = done

I fell off, getting back on it.

Every night 15 mins

[Matalexander305]

Holy sh!t, I have sexual trauma too. I totally forgot how big of an impact this had on my life. I’ve already wrote about it before, but I didn’t understand just how big an impact this has had.

@Matalexander305

I went from every girl in school drooling over me to laughing at me.

This completely shattered my self-esteem.

And that dissociation I was talking about, that’s when it really got bad. I literally wouldn’t talk to anyone. I just walked around in a daze with that 1000 yard stare. Completely disconnecting from my environment. Then, that’s when I started smoking a lot of of weed, which made things 10x worse.

[Matalexander305]

No wonder I’m so afraid of escalating with girls. I’m afraid of the one thing I want. Sex. I’m afraid of reliving that trauma again so i self sabotage in one way or another.

Like for example, 2 years ago I met a girl. She was into me and she made it clear she wanted to fuck. Matter of fact she was into the whole BDSM thing, so I was kind of excited. But I was also afraid, because of how I look and who I am, girls expect that I’m super experienced when I’m really not. And on top of that I have trauma related to the act itself.

Back to the story, after a few weeks of talking; she got fed up with me. I always said I’d come over but I never did. Then she said something disrespectful to me over text and I completely ghosted her.

Now she probably hates me. All this could’ve been avoided if I simply had the confidence to fuck her right. But this sexual trauma got in the way and I ruined my chance.

[Matalexander305]

I can’t even believe im saying all this on the forum, I’ve never shared these experiences and feelings with anyone before

[Athanaxos]

@Matalexander305

I can’t even believe im saying all this on the forum, I’ve never shared these experiences and feelings with anyone before

Thank you for trusting us enough to share this. Dealing with things like rejection and/or ridicule (in the way you’ve described) is really tough. It’s truly a vulnerable thing, and simply sharing it is huge

[Matalexander305]

Now I’m recalling another instance of ghosting girls.

@Matalexander305

I was seeing the hottest girl in school,

When I was with this girl, another cute blonde girl started talking with me. We got pretty close, but it was weird because it was over text. (She had just changed from my school to another one.)

Anyways we really liked each other, sending each other hearts and stuff. Talking all day and night. Eventually when things got really serious with the first girl, I ghosted this one out of fear. I was afraid that if she found out I was talking to another girl, she would ditch me. Also, she was becoming so attached it was becoming a turn off.

So I ditched the other girl for her.

[Matalexander305]

Yesterday was fun, my cousin is getting married and she had a wedding shower. Not going to lie, I was nervous about going. There was so many people there that I haven’t seen for a few years. But as soon as I got there, I was fine. I caught up with a bunch of people, drank aaaaaalot, and yeah… idk it was a lot of fun.

There was one girl who was friends with the bride, and man… she’s hot. Like she’s no 10, but I’ve always found her super attractive. Anyways when I saw her at the party it was strange… We had some awkward sexual tension going on, and it was kinda intense; and she’s like 6 years older than me. It was so strange, she acted so awkward around me. I was confused at first, but then I caught on lol. Weirdest part is we didn’t really talk much, but I could still sense thickness in the air when she was close. Idk maybe I’m just crazy.

Anyways… I was day drinking for 8 hours and now my friend wanted to go to a Latin bar😂

I was already drunk so I couldn’t wait. We got there and I was really excited to dance. Idk why but I was fucking HYPED. We all start dancing, I finally find my groove and i was on FIRE. Like i don’t know where I learned to dance like this, but I was killing it. My footwork was incredible, I was pulling all kind of slick moves. A few people commented on my dancing, “you’ve been practising aye?” “Where did you learn to dance like that?”

And I was like idk lol… but it was awesome. I swear every time I drink, I am full Stark mode. I just wish I could be this way all the time.

[Matalexander305]

Bought my first car and I’m getting it later today! I’m so excited, finally I can start driving on my own

[Matalexander305]

Primal has me feeling ultra confident right now. I didn’t even go out tonight, but my beliefs have changed.

Suddenly girls who I felt were out of my league, now I just think “yeah, I could have her”. “What’s not to love about me”

I feel unusually confident sexually, I feel like I could actually make the first move if I wanted to. As opposed to me usual “wait for them to notice me, and hope they talk to me” attitude

It’s kinda cool, now I want to go out and test this newfound confidence

Primal is working FAST GHEEEEEZE

[Matalexander305]

Primal is the sh!t. I think I just found my new favourite sub

[Geoff]

@Matalexander305

Primal is the sh!t.

In what kinds of ways?

How is your libido? Are you feeling overly sexual and find it hard not to fap? My biggest concern with primal is the intense sexual stimulation I’ve read it causes. Any insight into that?

[Matalexander305]

@Geoff

In what kinds of ways?

It’s exactly what I need. Like they say in the description: “It is the epitome of inner game”.

• It’s helping me let go of self limiting beliefs with women (like “I’m not good enough” “She’s taller than me”),

• I feel nonchalant (like wanted without the lazy feeling)

• Social anxiety is down

• I feel more optimistic towards life (mainly my love life)

• I feel more attractive, noticing more IOI’s from hot girls, been more comfortable being around girls and talking to them, people have been treating me very well when I’m out and about

• Life feels more fun, it’s like I have the world in the palm of my hand and I can do anything I want.

[Matalexander305]

@Geoff

How is your libido? Are you feeling overly sexual and find it hard not to fap? My biggest concern with primal is the intense sexual stimulation I’ve read it causes. Any insight into that?

Libido is high, and yes I’m feeling very sexual but in a different way. I feel this strong drive to be around hot chicks, and talk to them, and get them in bed. It’s like I’m horny, but I want real girls instead of digital titties.

This is totally different from how I used to be, I used to rely on pmo to avoid all the stresses that come with girls. Now I want it all

[Matalexander305]

I had a few realizations today:

1. No girl is “out of my league”. I’m no longer putting women on a pedestal, they’re not these perfect angelic creatures. They’re human just like everyone else. Therefore being nervous around hot girls is pointless.

2. Everyone finds me attractive, and I don’t care anymore. Looks are great, but men require more than just good looks to be successful with women

3. I don’t give a fuck about celebrities. It’s a little random but I think this has to do with Stark. I was thinking to myself “Why do people worship celebrities? They eat, breathe, p*ss and s!it just like everyone else? Why tf do people treat them like gods and worship the ground they walk on…? It’s super cringe.

4. People talk, and since I’ve been going out so much lately; I’ve come to realize that most often… people talk about other people. This lead me to start thinking about my own reputation. How do I want to be perceived? When people talk about me, what kind of things do I want them to say?

5. I’ve noticed a lot of awkward silences when taking to others lately. It’s like suddenly people look up to me, they’re expecting me to carry on the conversation and I’m not used to that. So theirs these awkward silences and it’s driving me nuts cause I can’t think of what to say. I just want to stop feeling and being awkward

[Tobyone]

Great insights

@Matalexander305

So theirs these awkward silences and it’s driving me nuts cause I can’t think of what to say. I just want to stop feeling and being awkward

Learn to embrace it and love it. It is a powerful way of communication and a sign of high status. I remember years back when I started with self-development and my mentor told me to start implementing pauses as I spoke with people, I found it so weird and felt awkward. But nowadays I’m completely fine with silence, it just became the most natural thing in the world.

Also, in public speaking, making pauses is a great way of keeping people hooked. I used to practice on removing all the “umm’s” when I holding a speech and replacing them with silence instead.

[Matalexander305]

@Tobyone

Learn to embrace it and love it. It is a powerful way of communication and a sign of high status. I remember years back when I started with self-development and my mentor told me to start implementing pauses as I spoke with people, I found it so weird and felt awkward. But nowadays I’m completely fine with silence, it just became the most natural thing in the world.

Yes I feel the same, it’s weird to me. I’ve always been a fast speaker, but I think it’s because I’m afraid that if I take a pause, I’ll lose their attention or their interest.

I guess I’ll have to practise this more!

@Tobyone

Also, in public speaking, making pauses is a great way of keeping people hooked. I used to practice on removing all the “umm’s” when I holding a speech and replacing them with silence instead.

Great idea, I’m going to implement this!