This girl is perfect. I think Iām in love.
PS turning my life into a movie
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Omg seriously, where is all this slick talk coming from
PS is a matrix hack, I canāt believe this is real
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Update: I took this girl skiing for the first date.
At first, I was worried because you spend a lot of time waiting in line and on the chairlift. (Which means lots of talking)
I was worried Iād have to put in all the effort and that Iād run out of things to say. But that wasnāt the case at all. We just fed off each other. There was never a dull moment the entire time we were together. Itās like we spoke the same language.
Iāve never opened up to a girl so fast Iām my life. Itās like weāve known each other since birth. Everything feels natural with her, and I donāt have to play a character or āactā a certain way. She told me so much personal stuff, stuff you wouldnāt ever expect on the first date. But she said, āit feels right with you.ā And I felt the same way.
I took her back to my place after. We chilled in the basement and watched fast and furious (lol). We cuddled, and she just fell asleep on my chest. It was the cutest thing ever. Then I ask if sheās ticklish. She goes silent. I start tickling her neck. Nothing. I tickle her waist, and she goes nutsš.
Then she just wrapped her legs around me (like the wrestler she is ) and grabbed my hands. Here we are face to face, she loses grip, I tickle her a bit more, and then we look at each other deep in the eyes. I was about to kiss her, but I was out of breath. So I put my head to the side and said, āfuck, Iām outta breathe.ā She started laughing her ass off. Then I got up, grabbed her chin and said, āchin upā (I told this to her once at work when she was having a bad day). Then we started making out.
Needless to say, she likes me a lot. Like ALOT. And so do I. Itās crazy how fast things escalated; it feels like Iām in a dream.
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Yesterday I invited her over again after work. On the drive there, we held hands, kissed, and talked the whole time. Again, she opened up quickly, telling me all kinds of secrets and stuff.
We get back to my place, have dinner, and chill in the basement again. This time we watched 2 fast 2 furiousš. Again, she just wrapped herself around me and laid her head on my chest, but it felt different. The energy was even stronger. The way she held onto me, the way she kissed me, everything. When we made out, it was way longer and more passionate than before. It sounded like she was whispering between kisses, āI love you.ā
She literally couldnāt stop. She had to leave, and every time I started kissing her, sheād melt back into my arms and say, āYou need to stop; youāre gonna keep me here foreveršā
I mustāve kissed her goodbye 6 or 7 different timesš.
Now that Heartsong is out, Iām tempted to run it. It already feels like I am, to be honest.
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Things are going well with this girl. We have a strong connection. But theirs a problemā¦
Before we started talking, she had sent out a few job applications to work in Banff. She loves the place and has friends she can live with up there. Well, she has an interview in a few days and told me sheās probably going to take the job.
So chances are, in a few weeks, sheāll be leaving 
Now I feel like sheās holding back because sheās afraid to start anything ātoo seriousā before she leaves. The problem is, I think itās already too late for that. Her and I, weāre on the same wavelength; we vibe together. And I think itād be a crime to go our separate ways.
I want to find a way to make things work. Idk how. Iāve even considered moving there with her. After only a week? Ya, I know. But I feel like there is something I donāt want to miss. Theirs no way Iām about to let a girl like this come into my life, completely rock my world, and watch her leave so soon.
Everything with her happened so fast and so naturally. No other girl has made me feel the way she makes me feel. The thought of her touching another man is unbearable to me, and I know she feels the same way.
So what do we do? Sheās going to be here for a few more weeks, at least. Chances are, our connection will inevitably grow even stronger.
So Iāve swapped out Diamond for Heartsong. I want to stack the odds in my favour for this one. Maybe sheāll decide to stay; perhaps Iāll decide to run off with her. Maybe this will lead nowhere. Who knows. What I do know is that somethingās going to happen.
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(Side note: Zp really turning my life into a full blown movie, I did not see this coming at all)
All these posts were about her. This was way before we even started talking.
Things are weird right now. I think this girl is going through some shit. I donāt know exactly what it is, but she seems depressed. Her entire demeanour has changed since I met her. She was so full of joy and positivity two weeks ago; now, she looks down.
About a week ago, she told me she needed space. Sheās afraid to start anything too serious before sheās leaves for Banff
Iām upset. I like her, and she likes me. We would make a great couple. So I have no idea where this is going anymore. The last time we talked was on the weekend. We had plans, and she flopped. Said her mom took the truck so that she couldnāt drive over. From past experiences, I would think she doesnāt want to see me. Is that true, maybe? Idk. Sheās a complicated person, and she hasnāt been as open as Iād like.
Maybe I should say something. āYou seem down lately; whatās the matter?ā. āI know you need your space, but, romance aside, if you wanna talk, Iām all ears.ā
Something like that. Iām just too petty to double text. Iāve been left on read on snap, insta, and text. (Not ignored, but convo died).
At work, sheās still the same girl. Her eyes suddenly light up when she talks to me, and then sheās back to looking sad. But we havenāt talked over text in 4 days.
Ughhh Iām fed up. I guess Iāll see how this plays out 
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Holy f*cking recon. Iāve been angry asf all day long. So many different emotions popping up. PS and/or Heartsong is taking me through some of my relationship traumas/ wounds.
Anyways, Iām getting fed up with this girl. Iām gonna confront her so I can move on with my life. This is exhausting at this point
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I think Iāve been self-sabotaging myself. Because this whole week we barely talked. I didnāt text her; we exchanged very few words at work. I was ready just to call things off as it seemed like she had lost interest.
She was supposed to come over last weekend, but her mom was out, so she couldnāt take the truck. To make things worse, she worked a half-day Saturday and took a nap after work, so I thought she was ignoring my texts too. So, I thought she was curving me. After she said she couldnāt come, I just replied, āah.ā
Thinking back on this now, I was making assumptions based on past relationship traumas/ wounds. This was a mistakeā¦
Soā¦on Friday, I caught her staring at me while working, and she didnāt even look away. So I thought, hmm, maybe I have been overthinking this.
After the lunch break, we were working, and I caught her again. This time, the look on her face was completely different. She was looking at me with dreamy eyes. 
-personified. The same look she gives me when weāre making out. Gave me butterflies, tbh.
After that, I knew it was on. I then go back into my texts with her and see the last message. And just facepalmed. I just spent the entire week thinking we were done. All because I projected my relationship traumas and wounds onto her.
Iām glad Iām running Heartsong now. This healing is long overdue
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So we hung out last night.
And just as I thought. It was all in my head. She was the same girl I remember from 2 weeks ago. She was excited to see me, and the romance was on 
We got pretty personal with each other last nightā¦ a little more than I expected. But Iām glad we did.
Unfortunately, the night took an unexpected turnā¦
So we went to a pool bar to meet my friend and his girl, and to get into the bars in Canada, you need a QR code vax pass. Wellā¦ she didnāt have the QR code version. So they wouldnāt let her in. So she got mad and stormed out.
āIām going home; that just ruined my night.ā
āI need to be alone.ā Blah blah blah.
Eventually, I calmed her down. Sheās a very anti-vax mandate, as am I. So it got to her. We ubered back home, and we chilled for another 45 mins. I watched a bit of UFC, which cheered her up.
I could tell she was feeling a lot of different emotions, and I realized that sheās the type of person who needs alone time to process them. It has nothing to do with whether or not she likes me or wants to hang with me. She needs her alone time, and Iām glad I know that now. Itās like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. Whole-time I thought theirs something wrong with me, but no thatās not the case.
The more I learn about her, the more I learn about myself. Strange how that works.
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Realization: Iām a huge flirt
Like HUGE. Itās just my natural persona. And I think I use it too much.
I remember talking with my girl, and she said, ā We need to be friends before I fall in love.ā And I found that odd. At first, my red pill brain came in and thought, āthis is bullshitā.
But I see what she means, Iām constantly pushing and pulling, flirting and teasing etc, and she gets annoyed sometimes. I even think this is why she left me on read so many times in the past.
So I think I need more balance here. Not that I need to be friendly in a platonic way, but I need to tone it down a bit. When we first started talking, things were going great, yes their was a bit of flirting, but I was mostly just getting to know her. I was ābeing her friendā.
Back in high school, I was the total opposite. I was too nice, and wasnāt flirtatious enough. And because of that, I got friend-zoned by a hot girls. So I think thatās why I over do the whole flirting thing now.
So itās a balance. I can still be dominant, I can still be a flirt, but I need to show more of my friendly and charismatic side.
With that in mind, I might hope back on Chosen. But then again, I donāt want to drop PS or Heartsong. I could swap PS for Chosen but I feel like their is more work to do with it. On top of that I really want to run Diamondā¦ rhghhhhhh!
Canāt wait for ZP customs
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I feel like Iāve lost my charismatic edge; it could be recon, it could be situational. But whatever it is, it needs to be fixed. The worst thing you can do to a girl is bore herā¦ so Iām quite antsy to fix this.
Who knows, maybe this washout is all I need.
Iām starting to think I need less exposure to my subs. I feel kind of overloaded right now. This could be a simple recon, but I had some intense recon today.
I was angry, and I had no idea why. I think Heartsong is working with my subconscious on healing destructive relationship patterns like jealousy, feeling unworthy, self-doubt, and other insecurities. Now, these are huge wounds for me, so that could explain the recon.
On top of that, I ran Diamond maybe 2 or 3 times before swapping it out for Heartsong, so perhaps my subconscious is a little full right nowš .
Anyways, my washout officially starts on Friday. So hopefully, that will give me some mental clarity.
Iāve even considered dropping PS to run Khan. But I would have to start with TB, and Iām worried that healing would harm my relationship with my girl. I need to maintain my dominance and relationship skills. And I refuse to drop my custom because 1. I paid a mint for it, 2. Itās (almost) perfect for me.
Iām thinking off running Wanted and Stark with my customš¤
I have the Stark core in my custom, but I donāt feel it executing right now. Iāve been quiet and rather introverted for the past week and I donāt like it.
Again, I have 6 days before I run my next cycle. So Iām sure Iāll make the right decision
I guess your flirting demeanor is from PS so it would be a wise move to change it for something else. Chosen is probably a good choice.
And Wanted would be probably not a quite good choice because of hot and cold behavior, but who knows.
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It certainly is, but itās always been naturally present. PS just amplified it. I want to run wanted because I feel like Iāve started doing the chasing, and I donāt like it. I need more nonchalance, better frame control etc. I think if I paired it with Stark or even chosen, it could smoothen out the Hot and cold aspect.
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I like Saints approach to stacking subs. Iām trying to brainstorm a bit on how I can apply this to my upcoming stack in 5 days.
I guess Iāll start with my goal. My goal would be creating a beautiful loving relationship with my girl. Too be honest, Iām worried about f*cking up, Iām worried that when and if she leaves for Banff that weāll be ādoneā etc.
So with that in mind. What would be my expansive sub? Wanted. Itās my natural archetype. Iām naturally very good looking, coquettish, etc.
Running PS was awesome, I feel so much more dominant in my interactions with women, but I feel as though Iām doing the chasing now, and I donāt like it. I donāt feel like the prize right now, Iām not valuing my time and attention. Frame control could also use a tune up.
Now for the restrictive element: Chosen. I can really overdo the whole flirting, teasing, push pull thing. And if I were to out my self in the shoes of others, yes I can be a little annoying after a while. What balances out this side of me, is my kind, compassionate, charismatic side. Iām a fantastic listener, I know how to make people feel good about themselves, etc.
Whatās great about Chosen and Wanted is that they both have physical shifting so while their is a contrast, theirs also a synergy present.
And for the balancer: Heartsong. Again, my current goal is to create a beautiful relationship with this girl. The characteristics of Wanted and Chosen are perfectly complimented by Heartsong.
Then again, I really would love to run Stark zp for 21 days in place of my custom. I could swap Chosen for Stark?
I am worried that Stark could amplify a lot of wantedās coquettish elements but at the same time would offer me the charisma, fame and social skills that I want (plus much more).
Soā¦ decisions decisions
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What about love bomb, with Heartsong and Wantedā¦
Ouuuufff
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So last weekend, I was hanging with my girl, and she mentioned that she wanted to get a tattoo gun. (Yes sheās nuts but I love itš)
Then she said, we should get a tattoo togetherā¦
Iām like what 
āYeah, we can both get a matching smiley face on our big toeā
SMH
I said f it, yeah letās do it. I pinky promised her, so now Iām f*cked.
So today at work, she came up to me and said āI ordered the tattoo gun, it comes in this weekend!ā. I just facepalmed and started laughing.
3 weeks with this girl and weāre getting a homemade matching tattooā¦ thanks Heartsong
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Chosen, Wanted & Heartsong
I think thatās going to be my stack. Iām still contemplating swapping Chosen for Stark or even Daredevil, but I believe Chosen is the right fit for now.
(Canāt wait for Zp customs, a Chosen + Stark custom stacked with Wanted and Heartsong? Iād be goldenšš¼ )
When I was on Chosen, it seemed like the world was finally opening up to me. I finally started feeling like I had control over my reality. The power of positivity is unreal.
Chosen or love bomb might become āmust-havesā for me. Because I get caught in negative spirals, and it sucks. I feel stuck, I feel bored, and I HATE IT. Chosen came along and completely flipped the switch for me, and handed me back my power. (Hence the title of this journal)
So Iām going back to my roots.
I have chosen CHOSEN once again 
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Iām so happy.
I remember running wanted qv2 and SEEING the results. There was no denying Wanted was working. My body was starting to look incredible; my facial features began to look more harmonious; I FELT attractive everywhere I went. I was hot, and I was cold, I was yes, and then I was no, I was in and then was out, I was up, and then I was down, I was wrong, and then I wasā¦ well, I think you get it 
Wanted is my favourite sub; it always has been. And yet Iāve never ran Wanted Zp. It was hard to put it aside after reading all the amazing results from the test group. But alas, I did it anyway.
But now, my time has come. Itās the return of the Mack baby; Iām about to be a whole snack.
It almost feels unfair; Iām already good-looking. Everywhere I go, I get jealous stares from men, and hot looks from women. Hell, at work, they call me āthe Ken doll,ā āpretty boy,ā and of course my favourite āMatty Cool with the nice hairā 
Now, for me, I think Chosen is a must-have with Wanted. In all honesty, my ego is huge, and I need to keep it in check. How can you not be a little narcissistic when youāre whole life everyone tells you stuff like āyouāre so f*cking hot,ā āyouāre so hot I cry every time I see you,ā youāre a beautiful man, youāre the cutest thing Iāve ever seen.ā
Itās certainly gratifying. But looks arenāt everything. Sometimes I see men so charismatic, so funny, so smooth, and I wish I could be like them. Donāt get me wrong, Iām social and all, but itās not always my forte. Iām an INTP, so Iām very analytical, to the point where it hurts my social interactions. This leads me to think running daredevil alongside wanted would be a match made in heaven for me.
Too bad Iām so fixated on running Heartsong. Oh well, the time will come.
So, Iām running wanted for the behavioural aspect. Relationships donāt work out when the man does all the chasing (at least thatās always been my experience). So by running wanted, Iām hoping I can achieve more of an abundance mindset when it comes to women. I got a bit of oneitis for my girl, and I donāt like it. It feels like my masculine powers are being zapped. Neediness sure as hell aināt attractive, so itās got to go.
Heartsong has shown me some of my unhealthy relationship behaviours. I am seeking approval, seeking intimacy, seeking love etc. These are all things she should be doing, yet the gameās somehow been flipped on me. But I wonāt have it, not anymore. Iām flipping the script. PS is out, and Wanted is in.
(I want to make it clear, PS isnāt to blame for my needy behaviour. Itās not the reason I was chasing her. Instead, itās past relationship experiences. PS is what got me this girl in the first place)
So Wanted, Chosen and Heartsong.
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