I want to take my SubClub hat off for a bit and share something with you guys. Something that has been bugging me.
A long time ago, a PUA coach told me that there’s a difference between being dominant and being domineering.
A dominant person is a person that has their inner game right. They are confident in themselves and their abilities. They have nothing to prove to people because the only person they compete with is themselves. They do well in teams because they don’t mind sharing and teaching.
They realize everybody is on their own journey. Some will be further along, some not so much. But they show equal respect to all as long as they are given the same in return.
They can come into somebody else’s home and even if that person is nowhere close to being an alpha, the dominant person will still defer to them. It is somebody else’s home and it is simply showing respect. Doesn’t make them any less dominant.
Then there is the domineering person. This is the person that thinks they know how an alpha should behave and tries very hard to behave like that. It is a completely external behavior, it doesn’t come from within. It isn’t natural to them. They are forcing it.
The domineering person will always want the last word because they believe that if they let somebody else have the last word it would mean they were beta instead of alpha.
This person will shout over everybody else because their opinion is the only one that matters, they can’t possibly allow somebody else to be right.
This person would walk into the White House, sit down on the President’s chair, put their muddy shoes up on the desk and let out a big fart, because they believe that they absolutely have to be on top of the hierarchy no matter where they are. They think that’s how it is supposed to work.
A domineering person will mistreat people, especially those they believe are inferior or should be, because deep down inside they are not alpha, they feel inadequate, powerless. They will always look for outside evidence of their own superiority because they don’t actually believe it without evidence.
So why am I writing this?
When Q came out, I started seeing a trend develop on the forum. People going too long and too much on the subs became more confrontational. And that’s fine. No harm done, they will find their equilibrium soon enough. Subs are safe, but like in all things there might be non-lasting side-effects if you overdo it.
But more recently, there have been users that are rude, confrontational, won’t let anybody but them be right, won’t even accept Saint, Fire, RVConsultant or me as knowing something about how subs work.
These users insult people, tell everybody exactly how they think people should behave and they generally do little more than incite others. All the while fully convinced that we should respect them for showing their true alpha self, even though they show no such respect for anybody else.
And many of us keep saying it’s okay. It must be reconciliation, they don’t have the “being an alpha” down yet. Give them time.
That’s true I suppose. It is possible that for some people the subs pull them out of the beta zone, straight past the alpha zone and into a nasty place. Do not pass “Go!”
Eventually they will find a balance and end up becoming a helpful and guiding influence on the forum.
But for now, they appear to lack that balance, they jumped straight into the deep end and now they are flailing and shouting while learning how to keep their head above water.
I’m not naming anybody in particular and I expect the same from the rest of you. I think we can all know at least 3 users that apply, keep it to yourself please.
Recently we had a little talk about building up a foundation and whether it was necessary or not. A point was made that nobody need to do foundation building because if they run a sub long enough, they’ll get the foundation as well as the goals.
And I think that is true. However, I also believe that when users lack that foundation, what ends up happening is the above. They turn into jerks because without that foundation they aren’t able to internalize the alpha scripting. So they start pretending, convinced they are doing it right. Faking it until they finally make it. All the while not realizing they are faking it.
But if we use a lighter sub first, if we build up that foundation, we create a framework that helps our minds understand and display the correct behavioral patterns. These qualities in the harder subs feel natural to us and to the people we communicate with.
So… is it possible to jump into the deep end and figure out how to swim? Sure. But if you do it the right way, your journey is so much nicer, for you and the people around you. And you may even get faster and better results.
And you’re not pissing everybody off when all they do is to try and contribute by sharing their own experiences.
