Musical Genesis+LoTS+SSX

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#61

Going to be adjusting listening volume. I’m always concerned with not getting the sub input because it’s too low. But I hadn’t considered utilizing volume the same way I do loop length. Start at the lowest comfortable amount and work with that.

For now I’m in my 5 days of rest. Recovering from 3 min loop of LOTS because I had one of my “lets push past our limits, I’m fed up with myself” moments that just gives me overexposure and 0 results.

Looking at this more objectively, what’s the real reason I’m uncomfortable with lower volume and lower loops? It’s really just self care. Doing things in a way that takes my needs into consideration and goes at my pace. That’s the exact opposite of my experience of life, I’m so used to just compartmentalizing and ignoring needs just to get things done.

I’ve mentioned it before but it’s funny how that’s my actual comfort zone I have to challenge, not pushing harder. Being more considerate to myself and easing up, that’s what causes me deep discomfort. So the fact I feel this internal resistance to less volume and lower loops because I know it will work better and work with me. Such a weird thing to wrap my head around.

#62

It’s clear I screwed up this past week and overexposed. Once this rest period is over I’m commiting to getting this right and starting over with my whole approach to the subs. Low volume, starting with once a week, and only listening to the loop as long as necessary. Went through a weird thing these past two days. It felt like all the sub input hit me at once and I was overwhelmed emotionally. There really is a huge delay with these subs for me. I’m starting to wonder if this might relate to my auditory processing delay I have in general. In my day to day life I don’t get verbal instructions too well.

In any case the homeostasis module seems to be helping me figure this out.

#63

Decided I’m gonna drop down to just my custom for now and that’s it. So leaving out LOTS and SSX till I get some more growth in place.

Right now UA in my custom is the big focus because I know creating music has the potential for giving me the most fulfillment out of everything in my life. Genesis is in there to further bring some level of sense or path for my overall life.

I hate this but I’ve learned lately I have a tendency to persist on things out of a sense of obligation or shame of quitting. I’m not gonna let those feeling have me make bad choices that aren’t good for my own growth. LOTS and SSX were nice to haves, but not essential. More and more I’m realizing that 3 subs in a stack might just be too much for my mind to juggle successfully. I need to cut down and get over my fomo, let a single sub breathe for a bit and unfold. Yeah I might not hit everything I want, but I’m also not hitting it now so it’s flawed logic.

#64

Actually gonna keep LOTS in the rotation. I think SSX is the tough one to run for me. I’ve been enjoying LOTS and the physical shifting I’m getting on it.

#65

It’s funny sometimes how limiting wealth beliefs show up.

I got a raise at work recently so I thought I’d treat myself to some new wireless earbuds since my last pair I bought had some annoying hiss. Total for them was $108. And my mind was like, you can’t spend that it’s a waste of money. Also some guilt because it’s like do I really need $108 earbuds? It’s just weird, having more money to actually buy things I want. I identified with the struggle, being underpaid, overworked for so long. Now that I’m making decent money and I set more boundaries at work it can feel “wrong”.

Safety net module has been manifesting in interesting ways for me. I got a new director who’s actually giving me resources to make my job easier. I’ve had 3 people tell me my department was behind in manpower and the higher ups ignored it for years. So it was nice to get confirmation outside of myself that it wasn’t just me being a worker that couldn’t prioritize stuff. I feel like for the first time in my life in a job the goal is to improve structure and grow everyone’s skillset vs just keeping a giant cog turning to generate money.

The world can be shitty and the world can be amazing. It’s really important I don’t let past experiences dictate the relationships I find myself in for the future. The hard thing I’m dealing with now is I don’t feel good in positive environments, with people who care, with people that will stand up to mistreatment. I’m working through that still. I know in the past I thought all that was fake. But that was definitely my cope because I couldn’t reconcile the things that brought me to concluding that.

There’s always been a dark outlook in me. I know it’s just a defense mechanism. If things are already bad they can’t surprise you and be worse. As opposed to wishing for good things and being crushed. I think I’ve grown a lot. But this has never been like flipping a switch for me, despite the criticisms I’d get over the years. So steadily bringing that disposition to neutral and then seeing where I can go from there.

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#66

How did your hair growth changed after LoTS?

#67

Not much there. I’m pretty thin up top, might be too early too tell because I’ve only run it for one cycle so far. I was hoping LOTS could tackle that though.

#68

Me too man, hair gets thinner i take phyto phanere pills that helped a bit but it is not enough

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#69

I’ll be sure to update here if I notice some changes. I’m gonna start doing scalp massages to promote more growth. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me. I know some guys just shave it all off because it looks better. But I actually like my hair so I’d rather try to improve it vs throw in the towel.

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#70

My cousin told me she used mustard, but never asked what happened with that.

If i remember correctly @voytek had great results with wanted and a tonic which helped him grow back some hair

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#71

I’m probably gonna go on some rabbit hole of research these coming weeks lol. I know there are a lot of proposed theories for what causes the balding. To me it’s an odd one, I don’t really consider it “natural” just because it happens to a lot of guys.

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#72

Good luck

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#73

Yesterday had an awful migraine so called out of work. Today felt drained so I worked from home. I know something has changed within me as far as prioritizing myself. In the past I would have forced myself to go to work today or yesterday. But I woke up both days and nothing felt good and told myself “you know what? I don’t have to do this.”

Trying to be kinder to myself in all ways. Stand up for myself. I’m going through shit and people aren’t always gonna understand, but that doesn’t make me wrong.

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#74

Looking at Khan Black and thinking to myself maybe this is what I need… But I don’t. For most of my life I’ve felt like I just keep armoring up in order to protect myself vs going deeper into myself.

I’ve been doing a lot more IFS in therapy recently. It’s given me an awareness of my different parts inside me and how subs influence that. For example if I run something too dominate or potentially aggressive, that activates the part that closes off, gets tunnel vision, and represses emotions. A survival based part that helped get through life but plays a very rigid role.

These subs are all changes within the individual. So I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that even with the best intentions some subs will be utilized in a more rigid way by me. Still trying to figure it all out. But I’m recognizing these patterns more of trying to become something else vs addressing core wounds.

For now Genesis affords me the flexibility to explore myself deeper without having to become something. Even Phoenix, though no doubt a powerful looking sub, would probably cause me to relapse into my perfectionist “I have to transcend my emotional wounds, be great, and prove something,” mentality.

It seems counter intuitive but in order to grow more I have to give myself space for emptiness and safety so I can understand myself better. All my life I’ve just jumped from one role to the next never really having a solid feeling of being in myself or a complete person.

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#75

I think sometimes in life people go through rough stuff. They aren’t wallowing or refusing to change. Everyone just sees an external representation of a very complex inner process. 9/10 you can’t see or understand that.

I’ve been going through a rough week. All that was playing through my head was I needed to overcome it or control it. I always think there’s some faster or efficient way to process emotions. I’ve done everything in my life except just allow stuff to be there and let it be.

I’m going through a lot recently in terms of connecting to repressed emotions. But even more than that what it means to have a healthy relationship with my own emotions.

If you don’t start off on the right foot, society is very unforgiving. And as much as everyone wants to advocate for self responsibility and taking charge of your life, there’s a serious denial as to how some people just get dealt a rough hand. And the real painful part is the self advocacy you sometimes need to protect yourself or look after your needs is the very thing you lack. Yet people can sometimes blame you for something that was never given to you in the first place.

My growth comes when it comes. If I’m not at a certain place yet, that means I’m not ready and that’s ok. When I can look at my life and appreciate new experiences, that’s when I know the change is real. Because I’m not trying to force something on myself.

#76

Commiting to at least one music session a week going forward. That can be 15 minutes or 2 hrs, doesn’t matter. All that matters is that this desire to create is acknowledged. It also means not forcing myself to finish. A music session can be playing around with a synth, new production technique, or even just getting better acquainted with harmonies with no pressure to commit to an end goal.

The thought here is to just invite music into my life more. So it becomes less of a thing I have to schedule and prepare for and more of a spontaneous always there ready to be tapped into approach.

Right now my mind has been polluted by ideas of success and how to make my music into something I can live off of. But I’ve lost connection to music itself, so that should be my first priority. I’d love to have music be a bigger part of my life but admittedly I don’t want to “work” at it. I don’t want it to be a job or feeling like some slave to a monetary system or that it has to conform in some way with what people like.

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#77

Well… shit. Genesis and the untouchable module is definitely unlocking some stuff for me. Some stuff that I couldn’t or wouldn’t face over the years and tried to repress. Seems like throwing Sanguine into the mix is helping me avoid the panic that sets in from it showing up at the surface. I’m keeping this one private for now until I’m ready to share. But it’s definitely opened my eyes as to why I consistently chose the wrong titles in the past.

Untouchable module can be brutal at times if you aren’t ready to face what’s coming up. But I’m looking forward to how it helps out now that I’ve stopped expending all this energy trying to stuff things down.

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#78

All the achievements in the world won’t help me escape pain. Running Genesis I’m really realizing how much exploration i need in my life, way way more. I’m slowing down a lot, I’m deconstructing my push through to the end goal mentality. It doesn’t work and it has never worked and I don’t want to live like that anymore. When you hold on, waiting for a day that never comes, that can be the most excruciating torture. I’ve lived in that state for too much of my life, it’s time to let it go.

I think the resistance to letting it go is thinking I’m supposed to be anywhere else but here. Is it easy taking a step back and being gentle with myself? No not one bit. But one thing that really shook me awake these past few days is, time moves regardless of how you feel. You can spend that time feeling like you’re not as far as everyone else, behind, lacking, not good enough, etc. or you can enjoy whats around you. The judgement, criticism, and rigid beliefs won’t erase the past and it won’t bring about a better future. I understand why I did it for so long, but I also understand it hurts more than helps.

It’s time to really focus on myself and what will make me happy.

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#79

I’m a pretty smart, introspective, insightful person and boy can that be the biggest trap sometimes in my life.

All my life I’ve been trying to “figure out something”, a clever distraction to keep me away and think the solution is more complicated than it really is. It just isn’t. It’s not easy, but it is simple. So goddamn painfully simple it makes my head spin. What’s complicated is all the mental gymnastics my mind performs to not do the simple thing because I fear it.

I had another session with my therapist tonight and going really deep into things. Deepest and most trusting I’ve ever been with another human being in my life. It took me a while to get here, but I’m here. It’s so absolutely surreal experiencing that level of safety with another person. And it really blows my mind that some people growing up get that from their parents by default.

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#80

So I have to laugh today for two reasons because it’s like it was perfectly orchestrated to line up at the exact point in time it happened and for me to see it. 1. Is what saint said here in the WB thread(which I’ll tie in why that’s interesting later), the sub I had THE most difficulty on. And 2. Pretty much coincides with what happened to me this past week. I got rocked y’all. And it was long overdue. My subconscious has been banging for YEARS and i did not listen. A combination of increased feelings of safety, personal strength, and exploration has allowed me to start unpacking it.

Long life story short, I’ve pretty much come to the realization that I’m transgender. That’s about where I am at. What that means, what I’m gonna do with it, how I’m gonna explore it is all up in the air. But I know for years I’ve been expending an enormous amount of energy trying to hide it from everyone including myself. This wasn’t my first time hearing this from my subconscious. The first time was in a meditation session where I became so relaxed and opened I just allowed my deepest self to speak. And it did, I promptly had a panic attack and locked it all away for a long time. It was the deep dark secret that was always hanging over my head. It was the glass wall between me and other people.

So how it relates to WB. WB was pretty much the pipe dream for me. I thought if I could just build my confidence, start attracting a bunch of women, become the most masculine version of myself that it would all somehow magically fall into place and I’d snap out of everything. Starting to run LOTS was probably a last ditch effort to try to convince myself of something I didn’t actually believe deep down. I attempted to create an entirely new identity and pretty much projected everything else outward into women.

After I dropped WB my depression went away and Genesis was easier. Recently I just naturally stopped listening to LOTS because I realized I was pushing it on myself as something I needed to do vs wanted to do. I picked up on this earlier when I realized I had an easier time on more gender neutral titles but I didn’t put 2 and 2 together.

I’ve burdened my own life with so many what ifs and trying to plot stuff out carefully. Yeah what if. You know what a scarier what if is vs exploring this more? Living the rest of my life disconnected from myself and not knowing who I am. Being so afraid of losing people in my life or being misunderstood that I just stay what everyone else wants me to be and continue to shove myself into fake identities.

Even though I’ve been in this forum for a bit, the anonymous nature of it lets me be far more open than anyone else in my day to day. I just had to write all this because I was compelled to and it’s a major turning point in my life and journey. I couldn’t stand looking at my journal knowing I wasn’t speaking my own truth.

Sidenote when I added the Untouchable module to my custom this wasn’t the outcome I expected. Maybe deep down I did know, but consciously I couldn’t acknowledge it. I wrote this whole post out and then looked at the module description, yup that’s pretty bang on.

There are times when we become outcasts. Shunned by others, isolated, persecuted and alone. Regardless of the reason why you are going through such a time – religion, politics, culture, gender, sexual orientation, beliefs, environment, etc., Untouchable is a module to help you get through this period, lessen the emotional impact, feel a profound courage and sense of hope that will guide you through all hardships and of course, keep you safe. Finally, Untouchable will help you tell others any truths you have to reveal without being unfairly judged and treated. This is an excellent module for those who society considers as having alternate views.

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Ever changing, ever shifting exploration