Musical Genesis+LoTS+SSX

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#1

New journal, still gonna keep an offline one but I kinda missed sharing. I’m gonna follow the rotation guidelines for SSX so I’m not on it yet.

I went through a longer washout than usual recently. Learned some stuff and what was causing me a lot of discomfort. Going to expand on that later.

Long story short, took me 5 months to realize WB was not it. All those nudges to ditch it and use something else were valid. I just didn’t want to feel like a failure for not being able to run it. But ultimately I was falling into my same patterns present through my older journals, trying to be someone I’m not in order to distance myself from who I am.

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#2

What about Wanted instead of WB?
I did this thing.

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#3

so，are you running anything that relates to music ？ :grin:

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#4

@Deadpool I thought about it. I actually did run Wanted in the past and I think as a sub it’s just not for me. The whole hot and cold thing, I know it’s not manipulative and all in good fun but my mind can’t distinguish it. It’s complicated. I should have just taken Wanted off the table after I ran into this a while back. I never learn…

And here I am again going in circle with what I run lol. Funny how I came to this conclusion again with WB.

@Sebastian_Po I’ll drop my Genesis custom here. It’s only got two music modules in it, but it’s also got a lot of self support stuff too. Forgot I put Homeostasis in here, that explains the insight I’ve been getting with what to run more.

Genesis Core
New Learning Experience Core
Psyche Augmentation
New Dawn
Foundation
Inner Voice
Untouchable
Courage Reclaimed
Divine Self-Image
Ultimate Music Producer
Virtuoso di Musica
Path of Forgiveness
Mosaic
Homeostasis
Pride Unbroken
Safety Net

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#5

More stuff that’s been on my mind for a bit now and had me thinking about moving away from WB.

I seem to just generally do better on gender neutral titles. I’m still in the process of finding out why. I won’t expand on that one just yet because I don’t really have an answer. I’m just following my intuition at the moment.

Right now I’m still figuring out life. How to live it and enjoy it. How to stop living for one day or chasing goals that aren’t really aligned with my core. Knowing what I want, that’s always been the challenge.

Just taking a step back. Disengaging from this rat race and the very very small surface area I take up on this Earth. It’s so easy to get caught up in the bs, the survival, the struggle. I know life can be more than that and it should be.

Overall Genesis has been doing good for me. I’m still in negotiation for my salary increase, whether or not it happens I’m ok with it because I make enough money right now where I’m not scraping by. I told myself I wanted to challenge myself by taking on additional responsibilities but now I’m thinking maybe it was the imposter syndrome and trying to constantly assert in some way I’m competent. Or more likely “this is what confident people do, I should do this” vs “do I want to do this?” I overcomplicate shit in my head and always have. But I think taking WB out will give me more space to explore myself better.

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#6

Oh also trying to quit caffeine. Matcha tea this week to stop the withdrawal headaches, then tapering off.

I’m not even abusing my body with coffee. Nope. Energy drinks which is awful. It’s not every day, maybe a few times a week but I can tell how awful it is for me and how it’s a cope for dodging emotions and dissociating. I don’t even do it to be productive, it’s just an escape. I 100% use it like the drug it is and I won’t deny that. In some ways it’s a form of self harm because I’m basically telling my body “shut up I don’t care how how you’re feeling, now do the stuff”.

Not good. I’ve kicked the habit before. I’m not a die hard addict. I know where the craving comes from now and I know I can do something else more healthy and constructive to address it.

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#7

Someone I know hit me up today looking for a breakdown on the elements of a track and general music production advice. I took a listen and laid some stuff out for him. He’s still new and even though I’m nowhere near as good as other people I got to see my knowledge I’ve accumulated over the years in front of me as I was helping him out.

I guess this is the NLE at work for me. I have a tendency to feel like I know absolutely nothing when it comes to accumulated knowledge. Some of it has become so ingrained I don’t even see it anymore or the complex learning that took place to integrate it into my knowledge base.

There’s always someone smarter, more skilled, or more successful. I guess for most of my life I looked at those people and if I couldn’t hit a checklist like them I just threw out everything I achieved or learned because it was weak in comparison.

I’m mentioned it before but I have a lot of learning anxiety. I’ve been noticing myself getting more curious about things related to music production without that wall of dread I sometimes experience. That feeling that I should be able to understand something 100% the first time I ever encounter it or attempt to use it. Absolutely ridiculous thought process, but yeah that’s been me for most of my life. The anxiety comes from the fact that I put pressure on myself to understand complex things without any of the time requirements to actually learn those things.

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#8

Been feeling like crap about not being able to run WB. But I’ve been noticing way more peace and calm since ditching it. No real bloom here which leads me to believe a lot of the struggle I was going through on this title wasn’t indicative of more growth but just emotional issues being brought up from the content that I couldn’t handle. Feels like my head is clear, like there isn’t a bunch of buzzing agitating static. Live and learn.

I’m not one for new years resolutions and goals. It just sort of coincides with the new year that I’m taking on a lot of new mentalities towards myself. One at the top of the list is respecting my own well being more and not trying to beat myself into submission for change. I’ve still got a lot I’m dealing with and how I treat myself in general. As well as my aversion to that. That’s really why I don’t run something like love bomb, self love as a concept is great in theory, but too much of a concentrated dose of that brings up unhealthy reactionary behavior in me I can’t always control. I’m learning to accommodate my own needs and not just immediately jump to what “should” help. Also creating change in myself for myself, not as a way to appease anyone.

One thing I like about journaling on this forum as opposed to private is it can be like a form of exposure therapy for me. People are doing cool stuff on here, I shouldn’t compare myself to others but at the same time it’s important to be ok with being around other people and sharing my experiences too.

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#9

One thing I’ve realized and I’ve mentioned it before, I have trouble with alpha titles. I think it’s because I switch into fight mode. I was looking at my older journals and it’s clear I wasn’t conveying healthy growth, but moreso getting stuck in over the top fight reactions that only hurt me. Not saying they are forever off the table, but right now I don’t think they’re a good idea.

This all stems from the fact that I never got a chance to understand anger as a kid. As an adult it just burns through me like a raging fire and I do my best to articulate it. But I’m very reactive, most people don’t see it. I have a ton of self discipline at not lashing out at others because I was subjected to that treatment as a child. But I expend a lot of mental energy keeping those reactions under control. It can feel like I need to say something or vocalize in a certain way, but more often than not it’s a fleeting thing and it’s less about asserting boundaries and more about self gratification. Instead of going outward I’m better off going inward to understand what set me off and what I can learn.

The thing is people can and do mistreat you sometimes. But if you let that anger take control it alters the perception of the situation. Like an abused person standing up for themselves, a lot of people see their behavior as dramatic or that they themselves are the abusive one. So it’s in my best interest to be able to utilize boundaries without “losing” by reacting in a way that might cause lack of support. I’m still learning this.

The nuances of human interaction kinda sucks for me, I’m not gonna lie. I’ve had to depend on overanalyzing my interactions vs relying on feelings to determine the trustworthiness of someone because my feelings have been dismissed for a very long time. The validity of them and how to use them to calibrate my own life is just something I’ve started within the past year. So it’s been shaky at best.

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#10

Have you tried Primal? Because this is a different alpha title for me. From my own experience Emperor vs Primal is a different experience.

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#11

I haven’t, but I’d be lying if the idea of running it wasn’t in my head. Genesis has been really consistent for me right now and I think that’s really what I need. Maybe in the future when I’m ready I’ll run it.

I am curious though, in what ways does it show up as different for you compared to emperor?

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#12

In every way, Primal just feels totally different to me.

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#13

Read the Primal sales copy again. Sounds fun, but probably too much to handle for me.

Just some reflective thoughts for myself and where I’m at.

I think I’ll stick to what I’ve got now until I have a solid foundational jumping off point and I can understand what it is I want and who I want to be. Right now it’s very vague.

I just know a few things

  1. Any center of attention aura or scripting kicks up a lot of recon in me
  2. Anything heavily dominance based has a tendency to bring up some really conflicting feelings I’m still trying to understand
  3. Sexual focused titles have always been brutal for me
  4. Packing all these things into one sub typically hasn’t been the best outcome for me. With the exception of Genesis, it feels more open ended and less pressure to me.

Pretty much explains why WB and Wanted was a struggle for me. Why modules like Spotlight in previous customs really bottlenecked my growth. Stark was a title I couldn’t run either. Ascension, while it did improve my life, put me on edge a lot.

Seems limiting? Yes. Frustrating? Absolutely. That’s an honest assessment of myself though. I won’t actually get growth if I ignore those things and don’t work with them. It’s pointless to introduce concepts into my subconscious mind that I know I’m not ready for, it just becomes a massive to do list of stuff I procrastinate on that makes me feel worse about myself.

It’s taken me a long time to get the point where I can stand behind a feeling of “I don’t believe that will work for me” without constantly doubting myself. And really it’s not the worst thing in the world because if I do something I believe will work or I can engage in I grow anyway. So it’s not like I’m being stagnant. I’m just finding my own path. It’s better than running into a brick wall over and over and expecting myself to change based on external pressures.

And this is growth in a nutshell. Maybe another year from now I can reflect back on this journal entry while running a title I previously couldn’t. Things are constantly changing, nothing is static. The views I express here can easily shift to something else tomorrow, a week, or a month from now. But that doesn’t invalidate them or my experience of them.

I’ve learned a lot this past year. How everyone’s experiences in life can set them up for biases or assumptions. How some people can be understanding and others very ignorant. But most of all I’ve learned to trust my own experiences and to not let the opinions of others invalidate my struggles. I think for me one of my bigger goals is unpacking my own stuff and overcoming my own past hurt so I don’t inflict pain on anyone else. Breaking that generational trauma.

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#14

Introduced SSX into my loop cycle yesterday. 30s was all I could handle, hit me hard. I’m getting better at knowing how much exposure to give myself and it definitely varies per title.

Today it’s just been a non stop highlight reel of past events showcasing my inability to build intimacy. Memories I haven’t thought about in years. But some of them involved girls being interested in me and me just freezing up, which looking back on it now they probably took as rejection. And that built up, it didn’t matter who gave me attention because deep down I constantly felt that the closer they got the more they’d lose interest because of the difficulties I faced.

My hope running SSX is just experiencing new situations that help me chip away at this belief. So dating and meeting new women can be fun, not this awful anxiety provoking thing it is right now. I’ve just got so much crap that gets in the way of connecting. The worst one is my inability to tell if I’m actually not interested in someone or it’s my fear trying to pull me away. I would love to be able to identify when I’m not interested and communicate that vs going on this back and forth chaotic internal dissection of why or why I shouldn’t keep moving forward. It’s exhausting.

Other than that finally got around to finishing a track that’s been on the backburner for months. Just have to make some finishing touches then record it.

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#15

I ran my Genesis custom a few minutes ago. Instead of my usual 1 min I let it keep going and went for 5. Besides a little bit of anxiety and some uncomfortable emotions, I didn’t get the overwhelmed feeling I get when I run a loop too long.

I think maybe I’ve been avoiding more exposure under the excuse I don’t want to overwhelm myself. So an anxiety about the possibility of overexposing vs the reality.

However I could only handle 1 min of RoD. So gauging my internal state is still really important for judging when enough is enough.

Complicated stuff, but as I tune into my needs more it becomes more obvious what things I can push for my betterment vs what will cause harm.

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#16

Re-oriented my studio monitors. I’ve been battling this for a few months now trying to figure out how to angle them, the distance, and degree of off axis rotation. But I was able to intuitively place them perfectly. Now I can hear my music even more clearly and make better decisions.

I put on one of my tracks I did a few months back and I was able to objectively critique it without getting discouraged. Appreciate it for what it is, but also see what can be improved.

I also noticed a lot of sadness set in because I feel like making music is really important to me and I haven’t been able to honor that fully. I’ve let so much bullshit get in the way of creative expression. I’ve been actively avoiding making stuff for reasons I still can’t understand.

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#17

One day I’ll start a journal with titles that remain consistent. But for now I’m going to drop RoD and see about rotating in LoTS later. For both Wanted and WB I was a lot more invested in the physical shifting and I got pretty good results from it. So maybe LoTS will be even better since I’m not battling with the overall wanted archetype in my head. Also I need to start working out again so anything that keeps moving me towards that goal is good.

And I think a more physical focused title will keep me out of overanalyzing headspace. Something I can immediately see and take action on vs the more convoluted spaces in my mind.

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#18

Quick note. There’s a different between difficult emotional processing vs overexposure. Just because it doesn’t show up while listening doesn’t mean that exposure amount is doable.

5 min was definitely too much. My brain is lagging today. Lesson learned. Back to 1 minute for my impatient ass.

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#19

Wohoooo!! Youre doing great! Love the journal so far mate!

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#20

Appreciate the support!

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