I can understand if you are feeling discouraged.
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Thanks, it’s not just the subliminals from here. I’ve been at this a long time. Every year I think I’m going to finally blast through some wall that never happens. I stick out the pain, but it interferes with my quality of life. I’ve basically been running subs for a little over 10 years straight now. I’'ve seen improvement, but not enough to justify the amount of psychological pain and discomfort I’ve gone through. And I think I’m just grappling with the rough realization of that now.
I think being honest with oneself is an important milestone.
I thought Sanguine was going well for you. How did that go?
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I’ll have to revisit the journal to see how I got along with it in the past. But I’m going on a month long washout at minimum then see how I feel after.
3 main points really.
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I need to break my codependency with these subs and this forum. As great of a resource as it is I was becoming increasingly reliant on this place. When things were good I was ok, when they weren’t ok I kept trying to double down on stupid crap. I have to experience going without this stuff for a while so I can break my internalized fear of everything falling apart if I’m not constantly improving with them. Also me comparing myself to others on here, I couldn’t stop doing it.
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I need to see if removing the input from the sub for a while will let me integrate it more or if it’ll just drop everything. This will tell me if the months I’ve been putting into some of the subs was the right call or not vs continually blindly marching ahead like I have done in the past.
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I’m not “of a sound mind”. Reading a recent post was kind of a wake up call for me. I’m mature, I have my coping mechanism, but I’ve also had a lot of stuff I’ve had to keep together over the years. I live a constant duality in my life that some people won’t understand. That post made me realize at this current point in time these subs aren’t for me.
This is my fault and i did this to myself. Presenting myself in a biased favorable light at times to garner support from individuals on the forum so I could rationalize my decision to keep moving forward. None of it has been healthy. Sweeping everything under the big umbrella of “recon” vs really taking a step back was one of the worst things I could have done.
Maybe when I come back Sanguine will be an option. Maybe not. I can’t make that decision now. All I know is there’s a very unhealthy dynamic between me and these subs right now that i have to correct.
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Do what you gotta do champ 
. Sometimes you gotta switch it up
Maybe these thoughts and this decision is brought out of you by SE, you never know,
Our job is to support you in moving forward and sometimes taking a break from subliminals and the forum = moving forward.
Maybe, maybe not, lol. You are who you are, regardless of how you present yourself. There’s no superficial support here, we’re with you if you leave and we’re with you if you decide to come back. God bless and I’m sure you’ll correct what you have to correct and kick ass 
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Appreciate it man. It could be SE but I just have to get my head straight first and start from scratch again with these subs if I decide to continue with them. I should have done this years ago.
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Felt ok to come back on the forum a bit. So I might start posting again here and there. I pretty much realized this isn’t the place to do the more deeply personal stuff. Initially when I started here my goal was to share my experiences in depth and inspire anyone else in similar situations. But after a break on here I realized it was a desperate attempt to reinforce a reality that hasn’t and doesn’t currently exist for me. Ironically this forum and my choice of stacks took me further away from what I needed to face.
Still on my washout for a full month. At about 10 days now so no bloom or explosion of results. Which confirms my theory I wasn’t integrating most of the script and I was just putting myself through psychological strain. Live and learn I guess.
You can’t be who you want to be until you’ve acknowledged the entirety of your being. Don’t care what anyone says. Unfortunately for me maladaptive coping techniques and an unhealthy exposure to new age garbage at a young age led me to believe you can just visualize who you want to be and overwrite the undesirable parts.
More things came to awareness that I learned about in therapy. This made me realize how much of a gamble a lot of titles are for me. It’s the association with the content of the sub and life experiences you can’t always predict. It is frustrating, but you can’t fix problems using more of the problematic content that got you there in the first place. My mistake has always been trying to power through everything and not accepting that I’m not ready for 90% of the titles on here. That was a tough pill to swallow but it gave me perspective on how to move forward
Hey man
Sorry to read about your struggles. I was in similar spot like your for years.
Do you think you are stuck at some level of flight or fight response?
Most CPTSD survivors are in this state and our bodies and brains are half functioning. So these subliminal don’t give us the most profound results.
This year I consulted a Ayurvedic and Chinese medicine healer. He told me my body is constantly in stress so lots of neurological and hormonal issues.
Have been getting medicines to calm my system down together with Paragonzp.
I can truly say I feel much better. My constant background anxiety is lower now.
So try to look into that.
Conventional medicine don’t have solutions to these issues. But natural healing methods have.
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Thanks. Yeah that’s an accurate assessment of what’s going on. More than that though it’s the anchors and triggers in my life I have to work through.
I’ll have to take a look to see what I have available to me. What kind of stuff are you taking? Is it herbal tinctures?
My healer gives me a few different medicine plus acupuncture treatment every 14 days.It is called Kashayas And I know some Ayurvedic doctors give herbal tinctures.
Acupuncture together with herbal extracts (including Ashwagandha) calm me down. So those daily triggers are manageable to greater extend. Most importantly it (I guess) stops my constant flight or fight response. So I feel much rested and relaxed. I am not done yet. My healer said I may need nearly `12 months of treatments to get to that “normal” state. I never had a normal life even as a child. So hearing it is bit funny.
I think you are from US. So acupuncture is available to you. Give it a try.
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What do you need to face?
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Unfortunately I don’t feel comfortable discussing it in a public space or with other people. Maybe one day I’ll feel ok with being open, but right now I’m trying to honor my own needs when it comes to this stuff. Too much risk of misunderstanding that will set me back.
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Going on this washout was the best thing I’ve done in years. Goddamn, if only I had enough understanding to do this earlier and to not be so afraid of falling behind.
I realized that all my past subliminal exposure that failed to get me where I wanted to be boiled down to one thing. Can I be there for myself emotionally? And the answer was always no.
So I’m still planning on my continued washout. But when I get back the question is what titles can I run to reinforce my ability to both acknowledge, validate, and provide support for my inner self?
I was getting so down on myself and feeling like a failure running all these subs. The more times I failed to get what I wanted, the more I neglected myself. I’m not going to burden my mind anymore with what I feel I should be. I’m just going to take my current life experience and ask myself how I can provide support and make it better. I’m not going to keep falling into the trap of seeking things outside of myself for fulfillment. It is hard, but sometimes when you want to get better you have to advocate for yourself.
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Some great titles coming out now, damn. Genesis definitely interest me. But I’ll see what else drops before I make a decision.
I’ve been increasingly lost lately. Just feelings of “So this is life huh?” I actually had this feeling the other day that I was already dead and this was hell. Not getting the answers I want, ending up in jobs and engagements that aren’t for me, autopiloting till the weekend, doing it all over again another week. Yeah safe to say this was my worst nightmare when I was younger come true.
Ultimately I’ve realized expressing this to anyone is pointless. Am I grateful for being ok financially? Absolutely. That doesn’t take away the existential torture though. And in a lot of ways this mimics the pattern of providing for the physical but abandoning the emotional.
The answer isn’t more money, a better job, more sex, more power, etc. I don’t know what the answer is. But I know I need to do some deeper soul searching without guilt in order to honor these needs. That’s still something I’m learning. We live in a society where it’s assumed the typical lifestyle checklist is good enough and if you need something more you’re cast aside as a reject. But I decide what’s important, not some dumb outside opinion. So if my life doesn’t feel fulfilling that’s not me failing at something, that’s pressure on top of me to conform I have to break out of.
Realizing why wanted was such a painful run. It’s the hot cold scripting coquettish behavior. That was triggering some deeper wounds in me. Wasn’t a good time. Should have stopped when I felt that.
Not sure when I’ll be able to run this again, but it’s definitely not now.
Me, too, mate! I went with Chosen instead.
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Right now I’ve got my eyes on Genesis. But waiting to see what else is dropping before I run anything else. But I’m glad I uncovered this. RoD and Genesis are my two top picks right now.
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Wisdom, and self-discipline.
I concur, dude!
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I did say this custom was an experiment with my first post here. Looking at it again, yeah there’s a lot in there that screams “I’m doing this because I feel I need to and not because I want to”.
I feel bad I couldn’t run this. And even given my extended break away from it I still think to myself maybe I just did something wrong and I should keep going. But I feel like this custom is reflective of how I’ve treated myself over the years. I get caught up in what I should be able to handle vs what I can.
If I went back to this what would that prove? More importantly why do I feel the need to prove it to myself? All my life I’ve been misunderstood and felt this gnawing anxiety of needing to make up for my perceived shortcomings and struggles. But it’s always been more focused on outside perspective of me, not genuine growth to better myself. So really how much am I doing for myself here? Not a lot.
90% certain I’m getting hit with RoD effects. Dreams have been very clear lately with certain key moments and intentions in them.
I’m pretty sure this is gonna be in my stack sometime soon. Just waiting for the big reveal of everything else before I dive in. But the fact I’m getting effects leads me to believe it’s not getting dropped in favor of anything else.
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