Renegade (WANTED custom)

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#81

Ran my custom again yesterday. Boy that hit like a ton of bricks.

I don’t know if any other guys can relate, but I feel like dudes are crucified just for being sexual. Like whatever you do SOMEONE will paint you as a disgusting human being. This is what I’m battling with now. And sexiness unbound in my custom is really hammering this one home.

I’m out here just trying to be a fully unrepressed human but goddamn is that hard. Realizing so much of the recon on wanted is me clamping down on this sexual energy and preventing it from expressing itself. Which is funny because that’s the goal of Wanted.

I pretty much had a migraine today and had to leave work because it was so strong. And it wasn’t till I was home and not around other people I could be in that energy. Just been chilling in bed trying to integrate it and I’m still struggling.

But yeah a lot of my modules are like rocket fuel for this. Pushing me to integrate and stop suppressing it.

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#82

What do you mean by “sexual” lol

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#83

Just expressing interest. I don’t even mean creepy gropey type stuff. I’m just talking honest sexual expression if they are interested in someone. Attraction I guess

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#84

The thing about IOIs is that it’s one thing for a woman to do nonverbal IOIs. It’s another thing for her to actually act up on them by doing something about those IOIs.

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#85

But they rarely ever do right? I’m not experienced at all. But it seems like they throw out the IOIs to get men to approach as a way to avoid rejection. Generally speaking, I know there are some confident women out there that will approach first as well.

#86

Man what’s it like to be confident vs doubting every single aspect of your existence?

Am I not confident? Or is it because I see so much all at once. I don’t even know what confidence is, such a foreign concept. I know how to move forward in the face of doubt. But confidence? Idk about that one.

At my job I had to put together 8 interviews. That’s me screening 8 potential candidates from a position of feeling like I’m not good enough for this position. 5 years ago I could barely make it out my door and engage in the world. Now I’m judging the suitability of people working on a team I’m in charge of. This is something I never would have dreamed of doing, let alone felt I was capable of 5 years ago. So I guess there is change there.

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#87

I’ve had to make a really tough decision for myself. I’m dropping this stack and just running the original sanguine to see how I do on that. And if that gives me trouble I’m just gonna drop subs altogether until I get my shit sorted out.

I hate doing this because I’ve lost enough years of my life not pursuing my dreams. But it’s clear something isn’t working right in my head with these subs and I’m not gonna keep running into a brick wall head first. I can’t take action on them most of the time which is the exact opposite of what I should be doing.

I know change isn’t easy, but I need healthy challenges. Not this constantly perceived life or death anxiety I get.

#88

Nah just gonna drop everything and go 0 input on subs for a while

#89

Yeah. From what I know, even those professional PUAs have about a 5% “date” to chat ups rate. Also some of those professional PUAs have even admitted to having dry spells.

I see IOIs so much, I don’t even bother with giving them much credence.

TBH, I find it’s much better to meet people who know people you know. In my experience THAT has a much better result than IOIs. So having a friend in common. Your best friend’s cousin. The friend of a friend. Someone you meet at a party of a friend. A friend of a co-worker you get along with really well. Your roommate’s sister. Things like that. I know some people say if you do that, you might have an awkward situation if things don’t work out. But I’ve never had a problem with it.

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#90

Okay, I have an idea for you. What if you just ran Sanguine: The Elixir for 90 days?

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#91

It’s a thought. But I’m just gonna stick to leaving subs for a bit. There’s other stuff going on here. I ran SE last night and this is the second time I’ve had a really bad reaction to it. Going to guess it’s the self love scripting. My mind reacts pretty poorly to that.

I’m not really equipped to deal with any of these subs. I see that now. I lack the ability to regulate my emotions at this point in time. Without that I find the subs are a grab bag of what I’ll react negatively to. Even among the positive stuff.

Maybe I’ll hit a bloom period and change my mind, but I’m pretty set on discontinuing any subconscious programming at all. Appreciate the help though.

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#92

I can understand if you are feeling discouraged.

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#93

Thanks, it’s not just the subliminals from here. I’ve been at this a long time. Every year I think I’m going to finally blast through some wall that never happens. I stick out the pain, but it interferes with my quality of life. I’ve basically been running subs for a little over 10 years straight now. I’'ve seen improvement, but not enough to justify the amount of psychological pain and discomfort I’ve gone through. And I think I’m just grappling with the rough realization of that now.

#94

I think being honest with oneself is an important milestone.

I thought Sanguine was going well for you. How did that go?

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#95

I’ll have to revisit the journal to see how I got along with it in the past. But I’m going on a month long washout at minimum then see how I feel after.

3 main points really.

  1. I need to break my codependency with these subs and this forum. As great of a resource as it is I was becoming increasingly reliant on this place. When things were good I was ok, when they weren’t ok I kept trying to double down on stupid crap. I have to experience going without this stuff for a while so I can break my internalized fear of everything falling apart if I’m not constantly improving with them. Also me comparing myself to others on here, I couldn’t stop doing it.

  2. I need to see if removing the input from the sub for a while will let me integrate it more or if it’ll just drop everything. This will tell me if the months I’ve been putting into some of the subs was the right call or not vs continually blindly marching ahead like I have done in the past.

  3. I’m not “of a sound mind”. Reading a recent post was kind of a wake up call for me. I’m mature, I have my coping mechanism, but I’ve also had a lot of stuff I’ve had to keep together over the years. I live a constant duality in my life that some people won’t understand. That post made me realize at this current point in time these subs aren’t for me.

This is my fault and i did this to myself. Presenting myself in a biased favorable light at times to garner support from individuals on the forum so I could rationalize my decision to keep moving forward. None of it has been healthy. Sweeping everything under the big umbrella of “recon” vs really taking a step back was one of the worst things I could have done.

Maybe when I come back Sanguine will be an option. Maybe not. I can’t make that decision now. All I know is there’s a very unhealthy dynamic between me and these subs right now that i have to correct.

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#96

Do what you gotta do champ :muscle:. Sometimes you gotta switch it up

Maybe these thoughts and this decision is brought out of you by SE, you never know,

Our job is to support you in moving forward and sometimes taking a break from subliminals and the forum = moving forward.

Maybe, maybe not, lol. You are who you are, regardless of how you present yourself. There’s no superficial support here, we’re with you if you leave and we’re with you if you decide to come back. God bless and I’m sure you’ll correct what you have to correct and kick ass :100:

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#97

Appreciate it man. It could be SE but I just have to get my head straight first and start from scratch again with these subs if I decide to continue with them. I should have done this years ago.

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#98

Felt ok to come back on the forum a bit. So I might start posting again here and there. I pretty much realized this isn’t the place to do the more deeply personal stuff. Initially when I started here my goal was to share my experiences in depth and inspire anyone else in similar situations. But after a break on here I realized it was a desperate attempt to reinforce a reality that hasn’t and doesn’t currently exist for me. Ironically this forum and my choice of stacks took me further away from what I needed to face.

Still on my washout for a full month. At about 10 days now so no bloom or explosion of results. Which confirms my theory I wasn’t integrating most of the script and I was just putting myself through psychological strain. Live and learn I guess.

You can’t be who you want to be until you’ve acknowledged the entirety of your being. Don’t care what anyone says. Unfortunately for me maladaptive coping techniques and an unhealthy exposure to new age garbage at a young age led me to believe you can just visualize who you want to be and overwrite the undesirable parts.

More things came to awareness that I learned about in therapy. This made me realize how much of a gamble a lot of titles are for me. It’s the association with the content of the sub and life experiences you can’t always predict. It is frustrating, but you can’t fix problems using more of the problematic content that got you there in the first place. My mistake has always been trying to power through everything and not accepting that I’m not ready for 90% of the titles on here. That was a tough pill to swallow but it gave me perspective on how to move forward

#99

Hey man

Sorry to read about your struggles. I was in similar spot like your for years.

Do you think you are stuck at some level of flight or fight response?

Most CPTSD survivors are in this state and our bodies and brains are half functioning. So these subliminal don’t give us the most profound results.

This year I consulted a Ayurvedic and Chinese medicine healer. He told me my body is constantly in stress so lots of neurological and hormonal issues.

Have been getting medicines to calm my system down together with Paragonzp.

I can truly say I feel much better. My constant background anxiety is lower now.

So try to look into that.
Conventional medicine don’t have solutions to these issues. But natural healing methods have.

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#100

Thanks. Yeah that’s an accurate assessment of what’s going on. More than that though it’s the anchors and triggers in my life I have to work through.

I’ll have to take a look to see what I have available to me. What kind of stuff are you taking? Is it herbal tinctures?