Renegade (WANTED custom)

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#61

Yeah man I’m trying not to hand wave away results like this but easier said than done when there’s a part in the back of my head screaming that I’m a trash human being.

Well the conversation started because I called a sandwhich hero a wedge lol. There was a brief pause and then she was like “I wonder where that name came from because we don’t call them that here”. I thought she was messing with me so I told her where I grew up. Looked it up later on today lo and behold is a hyper local type thing from the area I grew up in. So yeah not exactly a huge conversation starter. It’s those ambiguous situations that get me. Was she just being friendly? Or was she trying to find an “in” for a conversation? I have a tendency to assume just being friendly at all times so maybe that’s why I’m just blind to everything.

#62

That recon episode really hurt. I decided that it wasn’t the music causing me trouble, but my attitude. So yeah maybe I don’t have the brain capacity for an hour session. But maybe I could sit down for 15 minutes and try something out? If I get frustrated or depressed I can walk away. I don’t HAVE to do anything. I’ve pushed myself through a lot of my process because I didn’t want to quit and feel like a failure for the day.

I have to give things an honest shot. How I feel in the moment doesn’t necessarily guarantee a certain outcome when I engage in an activity.

Build up a habit of sitting down and just doing. Don’t be overly attached to my performance.

The funny thing is when it comes to productivity I rarely ever hear the importance of knowing when to walk away. Diminished returns because you’re stressed or not thinking straight. For music producers it’s called ear fatigue. It’s when your brain loses the connection between what you’re hearing and what you’re trying to do. So you wake up the next morning to play your track and it sounds like a trainwreck. Been there many times.

So yeah instead of "I have to finish this track " every time I sit down I’m going to shift it to *let’s see what we can do ". Some days it will be a little, some days a lot, some days not at all, but I’ll build consistency which is what I need

#63

Alright so I had a think. I’m going to be running this custom, UA, and Rebirth. Reasoning explained below.

Initially I was only going to run this custom. I was going to give myself plenty of time with nothing else. I was gonna iron out all my shit and then incorporate UA again. But today I just realized that this whole “put off till I’m better” thing is what landed me into trouble before.

Facts below,

  • I’m running WANTED, it’s slow moving. I am NOT taking action in terms of getting myself out there and dating. I’m not even gonna try to pretend like I’m doing everything to make WANTED successful because I’m not. It’s still working on things internally but the fact is there’s a gap there I’m just not executing yet. It’s going to take some time for that to outwardly manifest for me because I have to work through a ton of stuff. But ultimately I want the goals of that sub and I’m willing to stick it out

  • What I do take action on is music. This shows me that I’m losing out on a good opportunity to strengthen things with UA. It would be foolish of me to just wait around vs capitalizing on this already existing habit

  • I think about music all the time. I think about its place in my life. Hell I think about ALL creative pursuits in my life. And I’m honestly tired of it all taking a seat in the back. I’m tired of being a highly creative person but constantly getting the message that what I pursue isn’t valuable. As if I have to compartmentalize it and “be an adult”.

  • I’m deeply unfulfilled. When I ran UA in the past it gave me such a strong sense of fulfillment. I felt like I was aligning closer to what I really wanted out of life. My external reality might not have matched up, but internally I felt like I was moving towards something bigger for myself.

I was hesitant about running 3 programs again in case it was too much of a bottleneck. But I think with me taking actionable steps on UA, my custom doing it’s thing, and Rebirth kind of being there to facilitate more change and growth it’ll be ok. Me running UA, WANTED, and RoM was a bit too much last time. But I think this could work.

#64

Things are getting processed, heavy stuff. This morning I wanted to just lay on the ground, skip work, huge I can’t keep doing this energy. My life makes me sick sometimes, not even an exaggeration there I’ll feel physically ill in the morning sometimes. The transition from deep subconscious exploration to the gut punch of what reality currently is for me I can’t stomach sometimes.

But with that pain came a realization. I’m always trying to bury this stuff. Always “once I’m better then I’ll really put myself out there” type thoughts. But then it sort of hit me today, these experiences are me. Why not embrace them? Maybe some people will appreciate it. I’ve been in really dark places in my life, been suicidal, alone, isolated. It’s given me a certain perspective on life not everyone sees. I see a lot of artists that channel all this. I’ve never leaned into it because I always saw it as a source of shame vs an expression of humanity. I thought i needed to be above it.

This has been my dirty secret all my life. Trying to hide this stuff. The belief that if I allow any of this to surface I’ll be rejected. Being disingenuous and acting in ways I knew wouldn’t cause issues. But always feeling like I’m on the outside because I never simply allowed myself to be. What is there to overcome really? The fact that as a human being I went through really rough emotional challenges? That I still struggle with life a lot of the time? The constant denial of my own emotions is more painful than any emotions I actually experience.

In short a lot of my life has been “what do people want to see from me”? vs “how do I be with myself”? I know WANTED is dialing this up to 11. The whole embracing flaws and imperfections. I’ve said it before but that part of WANTED always highly interested me. As much as I wanted to improve I also wanted to shift to the mentality that these things I’ve been trying to correct aren’t correctable, it’s just a part of being human.

#65

Also what’s really wild to me. I started rebirth about a week ago. Then this past Saturday I felt so terrible that I just started playing the video game Life is Strange. And I don’t really know why I chose that one. I never finished it, but I really liked the depth to it. It has to do with time travel and rewriting past events, very fitting. But the main character is also an artist and man just playing that game for a few hours connected me to myself in ways I couldn’t reach. I can’t help but feel it was my subconscious finding a way to help me grow.

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#66

Man oh man. I think something about WANTED my mind isn’t too keen on and needs to be reframed. The whole hot and cold thing, coquette behavior. Now I’m all for playful interactions, but I am already too withheld. Any more hot cold from me and I’m basically not interacting at all.

Personally speaking having my mom’s attention very selective when I was a kid, these concepts don’t sit too well with me because it’s my own wounds being triggered. In fact my biggest fear when trying to build a romantic relationship is unconsciously being emotionally unavailable.

Yeah crap. Something about WANTED makes me feel like I’m turning into a bad person. I think that’s just a hangup I have to get past vs an incompatibility.

#67

Rethinking my approach yet again. Going to meditate on everything a bit.

I’m thinking I screwed up with another custom here. But maybe I just need to tweak my listening schedule.

I’m so afraid of no results or stagnating that I end up forcing myself to adhere to the recommended listening pattern.

I’ve burned too many days in reconciliation telling myself “it’s ok it’ll all be worth it when you come out the other end”. Personally I think it’s a terrible attitude to have, it reeks of the same “one day” mentality that can lead people to not value the current time they have. If most of my waking hours are spent dealing with emotional management I have no time for actually living life.

I’ve got 5 days off from the subs coming up. I think I might go back to one loop a week after.

#68

I think I’m gonna extend this break.

Not feeling good about myself or my life. Not in a “everything is shit and I’m a failure way”. More like “am I taking care of myself and using these tools to help or hurt me?”

I was fed up with my life and wanted to turn it all upside down. So I built out this custom in hopes it could push me past. But instead I just have more self criticism, comparing myself with others, and feeling like I’m not doing enough.

Maybe another few days before I make a drastic decision. I still have this drive to get better, but I need to be better with how I go about it.

Just because something is hard to run doesn’t mean I should give up. But man do I want to just quit everything in life and not engage in what my life currently is.

This is tough. I’m really conflicted. I’ve confused self care in the past with avoidance and that’s why things get so messed up. Yeah I felt better, but I didn’t do the thing I needed to do and I told myself it’s fine when it’s not.

#69

Learning guitar. I wrote a little riff the other day and then surprised myself with how intuitive it was.

I’m at a point with my music where I’m pretty upset with how stressful it got. So I’m scaling back. Probably gonna make some hip hop beats and loops. Some ambient music, random experimentations, possibly some house music. Basically my goal is to sit down, write, see how far I get. As much as I love complex arrangements in other people’s music, I can’t pull it off at the moment without getting really frustrated and stressed.

Trying to get into the process of making music more and connect with what I really want to explore vs my insecurity making me feel like I should do something else.

#70

Washout is… interesting.

Finding myself no longer caring about my appearance as much. Not giving a shit about being attractive to women. Overall kind of just giving up on this idea I was chasing for WANTED. The idea being basically redefining myself or changing into this idealized version of myself.

I don’t know if I fell off here or this is part of liberating myself from the ball and chain I’ve been carrying around for years about being attractive. I still want to make some changes as far as clothing and expressing myself goes. But I’m keeping it as low pressure as possible. It will happen when it happens. Right now I’m just dealing with too much stuff in my life to have the energy to dedicate to that.

Losing my tolerance for people more. Tolerance probably isn’t the right word. I’ve stopped holding myself back from acknowledging the bullshit people do and how I don’t have to accept their crap. Being understanding is all well and good, as well as seeing things from both sides. However in my life I’ve constantly used that as an excuse to hide behind the fact I couldn’t be assertive without massive anxiety. Once the confidence started growing I found myself thinking about other people less, I don’t care what kind of day you had or what’s going on in your life that doesn’t absolve you of your actions and I won’t put up with them.

Not my usual posts hyping myself up to make these kinds of changes. I genuinely feel I’m getting the hang of being more assertive and having boundaries. It’s not the rage or outright anger like in the past that also sucked and made me too on guard. It’s a decisive “who do you think you are?” type mentality. Hoping to let this continue to expand outwards because man are some people arrogant and disrespectful.

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#71

Been afraid of falling behind so I push myself, but then I push myself so much I don’t enjoy life. It’s one thing to grow and improve, but if you’re not enjoying life there’s no point. If I get good at music but the whole process fills me with stress and anxiety it’s pointless. If I achieve success but I struggle to enjoy it it’s pointless. No matter how good an external scenario is, it doesn’t amount to anything if I can’t appreciate it.

This is what I’m learning. I put the cart before the horse with a lot of my goals in life. I’m still on my washout, but when I return I’ll be making sure to be more in tune with how I utilize my subs. If it causes too much recon at 3 minute loops I think it just needs to be put aside for now.

I need subs that enrich my life, not ones that create more barriers to happiness due to harsh recon.

#72

Ok definitely some extreme recon popping up. Feeling of wanting to quit, find another way, reassess. Nope, I’m staying on my custom and UA. This is when things get difficult, I don’t need to bail on the sub but I do need to start treating myself better and taking time off when I need it.

Debating if I should keep on with Rebirth or switch to Sanguine Elixir. I’m still not sure which one I need more right now.

#73

What would help you decide?

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#74

It’s sort of a cost/reward type of situation. Rebirth has the potential to help me redefine my life, but it’s not something that sits well with me internally. It is a tough run.

Sanguine Elixir would help balance me more/support me and give light healing. Great in theory, but what if I get too complacent ? What if I’m not doing enough to change?

From a self care perspective SE is the clear winner. Providing a feeling of safety is sometimes what I need vs trying to constantly crush limitations.

Rebirth I have a tendency to drag myself through the dirt and hurt myself in order to seek out growth. Not knowing when to back off. I can’t say this approach has ever worked for me, but I seem to carry it out based on a sense of shame.

It’s ultimately fears both fueling me to neglect my own needs and remain in comfort zones. Never know which one is a bigger problem

#75

Had a think on this one. I’m going to go with SE instead of Rebirth.

Ultimately what I’ve realized is my coping mechanism for painful stuff has been avoidance. So what I really need to do is cultivate a better internal relationship with myself not break myself down and build myself back up in a traumatic way. Far too often I’ve found myself slapping a bandaid over deeper issues and calling it a day in pursuit of redefining myself.

I don’t know how emotional healing works or self growth for that matter. All I know is the more distance I put between myself the worse my life gets. It’s a tricky balance becoming the things you want to be, but also maybe not fully understanding who you are/embracing that.

I think my wanted custom is already a bit tough. Dumping Rebirth on top of that wasn’t the best idea. So SE should work well to counterbalance it and help me forge ahead with it.

It’s just kind of odd I have a consistently bad habit of choosing the wrong subs for myself. I don’t go easy on myself which is ironically what I need the most. But my own insecurities lead me to choosing titles that avoid the very things I need. Emotional neglect at work I guess.

#76

And there it is an insight I had ALREADY 30 days ago. So yeah I fucked this one up adding Rebirth at some point

#77

Ok yeah, that settles it. I’m legitimately not living life.

The criticism, judgement, and tearing myself down is just too much.

I’ve been through so much internal hell over my life I don’t know how to relate to people unless they get it.

I need to inject some level of positivity into it. Right now I feel like I’m running out the clock till I die and I don’t want that. So yeah SE it is. I’m losing my ability to bounce back from this stuff through sheer force of will. But really what I need is a more stable sense of safety so I don’t have to constantly bounce back.

#78

Ran SE yesterday. I could feel during the loop the repressed feelings coming to the surface. The ones I hold down using muscular tension.

I’ve returned to IFS again after I realized I was getting caught up in the past and blended with my parts. There’s still a lot of unresolved pain around my family.

I also felt fearsome present itself today. Those that choose to disrespect me will no longer get any mercy from me. I always took the high road or mature path, but really it was fear of confrontation. I’m done. I’ve realized my discontent in life is because I don’t feel the ability to move through life freely without being ensnared in some manipulative assholes plans. I want for myself to both have the courage to put these people in their place and also know I’m stronger than them. If I can get those two things sorted I’ll be 90% of the way there.

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#79

What’s a journey to success vs escaping pain?
What’s trading one cage for another?
What’s freedom vs operating under another set of rules?
What’s a quick fix vs a soul nourishing aspect of your life?

I’ve never wanted to operate within the realms of conventional society. It always made me feel sick. But here comes the social influence “you have to do this, do that, don’t do that, talk like that, etc”.

Money isn’t my god. I hate how most people’s experience of life is tainted by money. I understand it’s just a tool but people are owned by it. I’m starting to think money isn’t neutral. What I mean by that is if you’ve ever been in situations you’re “sucked into” money has the same effect. People lose rational thought or become unable to separate themselves from money. There’s no good or bad, it just has an energetic pull like gravity. But that pull magnifies people’s shadow aspects of themselves.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m gonna keep running my custom and just hope I break out of this shitty matrix. I’m very much rejected by the system, it doesn’t want me because I can’t be controlled as easily.

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#80

When it comes to women I’ve never felt attractive. For whatever reason the signs don’t reach me. I’m trying to not just assume by default I’m not attractive. That’s only hurting me. At the same time I don’t want to be a delusional guy that’s like “oh yeah she was so into me because she was playing with her hair”. I understand stuff like that can be an IOI, but it’s stretching it. I also happen to know women with ADHD will do that as a fidget, it has nothing to do with attraction. So it’s not as clear cut as most people make it out to be.

On the other hand I know a majority of women hate rejection. They will make it known just enough so I take all the action. And to complicate things more depending on their level of self esteem or worth, it will manifest in different ways. One woman could be eye contact and a smile. Another one could just be her standing in the same vicinity as me or making an excuse to get closer. Then just act like a deer frozen in headlights lol.

My point is it’s the ambiguity of these situations that just leads me to fill in the gaps as “not interested” due to my own self worth issues.