Renegade (WANTED custom)

Journals - Custom Subliminals
#41

On my washout now and I’m just thinking to myself, is any of this gonna get easier? I don’t expect to skate through life but goddamn if it doesn’t feel like minor variations on the same limited existence.

I feel like I’m stuck in an infinite loop. Occasionally things branch off but it all comes back around.

Stuff like thinking “oh maybe wanted isn’t for you, doesn’t fit your life path or whatever”. Why ? Why can’t I just live a reality I choose? Why does it have to be something like finding my authentic self and then aligning with that. That just feels like settling to me. It doesn’t have to be that deep and it shouldn’t. How can you ever decide what’s authentic if you don’t have freedom to choose and explore life?

#42

Interesting developments on this washout.

First thing I’m noticing. Repressed sexuality. I’m playing wack a mole with this. It surfaces, I stuff it down, surfaces again, rinse repeat.

Find myself thinking I’m a disgusting person for having sexual thoughts about women. I don’t know where that’s coming from. I wasn’t raised religious or anything. This goes back to me maybe trying to separate myself from desperate horny guys, trying to appear “better”. But ultimately I have the same impulses, I just don’t let it control my actions.

I don’t know. Weird stuff.

#43

Had a really insightful therapy session today. It made me think about the free will scripting of ZP and what it means for me.

I’ve learned that there is a very strong part of me who’s sole responsibility is to keep me away from interpersonal relationships and human connection. This part is filtering out parts of Wanted, I’m sure of it. And even moreso my unrelenting pursuit of pushing past this stuff has caused a lot of emotional harm to myself. Disregarding my own needs to take things easy, thinking I can blast through sticking points by exposing myself to anxiety provoking thoughts and ideas, trying to completely redefine my identity and bury my inner self, cultivate the wanted archetype to its fullest extent to garner favorable interactions with people in order to protect my inner self. Man the list goes on. At the core of it is the belief that my emotional needs with the difficulties I’ve faced in life don’t warrant sympathy or compassion. So I better just suck it up, grit my teeth, and learn to adapt. That doesn’t work.

The other thing I realized. Almost all the status titles have some degree of relationship focus. Building strong relationships, connecting with people. I didn’t make the connection until today that maybe this is why most of those titles are so insanely difficult for me to run.

Having said all this, it’s clear I need to work on communication to my subconscious. Certain ideas and concepts are “bad” because they will cause perceived pain. But I just kept pushing which resulted in blowback.

I consistently punish myself by forcing myself into areas of growth I’m not ready for. Some weird shame cycle that triggers past trauma. It’s like I’m trying to escape my most vulnerable aspects of myself by attempting to just step right over it. I don’t even know, this is really hard to articulate.

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#44

I’ve been gripped by fear for too long. My entire worldview is how can I better prepare for the inevitable fucked up things people might do to me?

How do I not do this anymore? There’s so much bad stuff in this country structure wise. I can’t go a day without a constant reminder that certain people in power want things a certain way and they’ll manipulate and gaslight the masses to get it. Maybe this is just me feeling like I’m not powerful enough. I still get ensnared in the same crap everyone else does. The financial worries, the loss of time from working at a job, the lack of true freedom, the tendency to escape from reality through media. Sick of being offered crumbs and told I should be happy with it.

I feel like this country is going to collapse and the only people who are going to get hurt are the ones that didn’t cause it in the first place

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#45

Part of what I think is happening is you are awake.

Now what?

Personally, I think acting in such a way that the universe is on my side is one of the best ways to protect myself.

Am I acting with non-aggression in my interactions?

Do I express true care towards alleviating suffering?

Do I speak what is truth in the eyes of the Creator of the universe?

Do I refuse to side with polarized dichotomies?

Do I revere all that is good?

Metaphorically, do I tread lightly upon the Earth?

Do I stay prepared to physically defend myself or life itself, if I need to?

I sympathize with you, mate.

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#46

I try to be a good person. But my cup is only filled so much. I can’t give to others what I don’t have for myself and I guess that bothers me too.

Have you read reality transurfing? This reminds me of an idea I proposed on the roadmap for a subliminal specifically designed to create that sense of protection. A sort of safety net. I thought it would help people be less afraid knowing there’s a universal support system.

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#47

Went to go make a beat the other day. I was flipping a sample and trying to get things to work. But eventually I just trashed it all.

Kind of a low day the other day. Going to try again today. When my music doesn’t go right it really messes with my mood.

#48

Quitting coffee. Going through some painful withdrawals on day 2 right now. What’s funny is this is just from 2 weeks of use, a cup a day. Prior to that it was just decaf or not at all.

Reasons I’m quitting.

  1. Really bad depression in the morning. I suspect it’s a cortisol spike or something like my neurotransmitters all out of wack from the coffee in the AM

  2. Metabolic issues. I notice I don’t digest food as well

  3. Anxiety and depression spikes

  4. Overriding my needs and dissociating by just getting a caffeine high going. This in effect puts me into a slave mindset at my job where completing my tasks is more important than my own well being

  5. Decreased quality of sleep. Really restless.

So yeah I’ve been hanging onto it for a while but I know this has to be kicked from my life.

#49

The things I avoid the most are the things I have to do and that’s just the biggest gut punch to me.

I got my job and financial security for the most part and then I just told society to piss off. I was like “well I’m alive, eating, and not homeless therefore I’ve fulfilled my needs and now I only have to do the things I want to do”. So yeah here we are again, the SAME pattern from my teenage years that convinced me I didn’t need contact with people manifesting itself under a different disguise as an adult.

It’s always been fear of people. That’s always been the theme of my life. I finished a therapy session today and I realize now that fear is a projection of my own internal issues onto others. It’s not about them, it’s about me and how I perceive myself and how I show up in the world.

It’s easier to say it’s anxiety. It’s easier to think it’s deeper than it is. It’s easier to tell myself I’m really stuck and don’t know how to move forward. It’s all easier than owning up to the fact that I have such a deep fear of rejection and 90% of the time I can’t show up as myself in my life without either overanalyzing every word or action that comes out of my mouth or feeling an intense sense of guilt or shame. Or the fact that I actively avoid any situations that could have the potential for me appearing a certain unfavorable way.

The real kicker is the fact that admitting this stuff to myself is suppressed because who wants to acknowledge the fact that no you aren’t secure in yourself, no you haven’t been moving past your boundaries enough, no you never really overcame the crippling issues that messed up your life to begin with, no you still feel like you’re somehow inferior and a burden to others. You put up a good mask for a while but it’s never been genuine and it shows with the amount mental energy expended on a daily basis trying to uphold that delusion. And the only reason that mask is upheld is myself feeling deep shame over the fact that I have these embarrassing shortcomings. Being unable to acknowledge that these aren’t some deep flaws in my character that make me a stain on society. Logically I know it isn’t true, but I just feel that way.

That being said I need to learn to be myself in this world, show up authentically and expose that self. Not the sort of avatar I project over the top of myself for navigating the world. There’s a lot more inner work to be done, but that only goes so far. I need to do just enough to give myself more courage to start showing up in the world more. At least now I know where the REAL resistance to change came from and can work it from that angle. I will acknowledge the fact that my lack of real world experiences hurts me because it sets me up to go overboard in my head with the negatives I tell myself.

Sometimes it really is just a small blemish under a microscope. And it’s just unfortunate that it’s gone on for so long like that because I’ve deprived myself of the positive experiences that would counterbalance that. There’s a lot of regret that comes along with that on top of everything else. But it’s definitely a difficult thing seeing the level of dysfunction, understanding how it effects me, yet being whipped around.

Got a lot to process on this one

#50

Ahhhh sanguine the elixir has elements of lbfh in it. All makes sense now. No wonder the recon has been so heavy lately.

The other thing, and I don’t really know how to fix this one. Is overly positive stuff rubs me the wrong way. Like it should elevate me and increase my state of experience, but instead I just get agitated. Maybe it’s because my life has been so devoid of those experiences I’m skeptical of them now, like a shady used car salesman. It’s also a combination of not loving myself either. So skepticism of the positive and an aversion to giving myself nice things? Yeah no wonder nothing really goes the way I want in life.

I’m trying to sit with these feelings more but I find myself wanting to externalize a lot or have doubts on the true origins. I’m like “no you’re overthinking this self worth thing, just using it as an excuse to not push your boundaries more”. But really isn’t that just neglecting my own feelings? My whole life was basically people telling me to just get on with everything and there was no time to sit down and take time to figure these complicated emotions. It was always go go go , don’t fall behind, don’t get complacent. Maybe I’m just inflicting the same pattern on myself as an adult and that’s why I’m so reluctant to really take time for myself.

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#51

Hello new limitation.

So I consider myself reasonably intelligent. But I’ve walled off that intelligence from expressing itself. I don’t say that to be arrogant. I just had a very distinct memory in school of being the target of disdain because I understood complex problems. One day I decided to just pretend I was dumb and didn’t understand because I got more acceptance that way among my peers. This began a whole lifetime of nerfing my own potential. Hell even guilt at appearing more intelligent or skilled in some areas, what most people took pride in I’d feel like it was a giant target on my back that said treat me like shit because I’m different.

As this limitation has been slowly getting lifted I notice my vocabulary and propensity for more articulate sort of language patterns. Not to show off, but just because those words seem more accurate. I still don’t feel comfortable with it and feel like I should dial it down, but it’s all based in perception. I don’t want to be perceived as that super arrogant try hard “look at me with my big words and intelligence”. It’s just really about accurately conveying my thoughts and feelings, it just happens to come out that way. It just so happens that who I naturally am and how I expressed myself as a kid was met with ostracization. I still hold that pattern as an adult.

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#52

And this is something I’m wondering if it will be covered in the masterclass, following your intuition. It kind of hit me today which other module I should run. Rebirth. I’ve stated both in here and to my therapist that I find it hard to visualize a future that’s different due to seeing everything through my past. Rebirth is the perfect sub to reframe the past. It’s been rough on me before but I don’t want to be stuck anymore.

Every time I think of goals for myself it’s a thought like “no I’m just not that person” or I compromise in some way. I’ve said it a lot and it’s no excuse to not grow, but it is insanely difficult to conjure up even the slightest feelings of stability or freedom when your life has felt devoid of it.

I’ll explain this through the realm of music. Creativity does not exist in a vacuum. Life is pretty much art. Past influences and ideas are built upon to form new ones. If your input is narrow and confined, the art will be as well. So there’s two things that can work against you. Not exploring enough and not having enough of a strong foundation in the ideas that you want to create. I’ve unfortunately been both of these. Avoidance has led me to living a very narrowly confined life of what I can and can’t do. And my less than great upbringing didn’t give me enough resources to expand from. Now I’m in a position where I have to stop relying on past information to inform future decisions and also explore life more in order to feel more fulfilled.

I think rebirth and SE will work well together. Sanguine offering the stability and light healing and rebirth altering that core perception of myself that keeps me stuck.

#53

I’m gonna be 32 this month. A lot of people around me have kids or are married. I already accepted that lifestyle isn’t for me. Unless I do a complete 180 in my life, I’ve got too much bs I wouldn’t want to pass on to kids. Plus most people my age are looking to nest/settle down. I don’t want this. I didn’t get to live life. I had some experiences when I was younger and yeah they were cool, but I lacked my own sense of autonomy. I existed in a frozen state, I was TOO mature for my age. Thinking about stuff I had no business getting so caught up in because it was at least 10 years away.

I don’t know what the future holds for me. I should have a plan, but I really don’t. Nothing really seems good enough. I feel like I’m always compromising in some way. Started Rebirth today, I want to leave it all behind. The regret of everything.

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#54

Damn. I adjusted the volume again and I’m executing way better. I turn down the volume just enough so I can hear things clearly. I think I was listening too low before and trying to escape the sub influence in a way.

Rebirth is doing a big sweep. Shit, I didn’t realize how heavily I leaned on the past. My brain would be like “can I do this?” Then goes back to the past database, pulls out an experience, and says “nope, feel terrible, anxious, or upset”. And that’s how I’ve lived my life. Even the idea of getting better, I feel like I’ve got a cap because I’ve had so many perceived failures in the past. Giving up on happiness, giving up on relationships, giving up on personal fulfillment. What I can say, how I’m allowed to act, what I’m allowed to do, all chained by my past.

I’ve changed with the subs no doubt. But it’s been throttled a lot by these past experiences holding me back. I’m hoping I can start actually creating vs constantly reliving my past in the present moment.

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#55

So many terrible beliefs about myself. So many past situations that enforced them.

Rebirth is going heavy on me. I find it really hard to juggle daily life and do deep emotional work. It’s one or the other. So maybe I need to take more breaks at my job. If I just try to swallow all this and carry out my day I start getting migraines. Damn. It’s necessary to go through this though. I’m not gonna hold off on growth just because it disrupts my job, my job isn’t my life.

#56

Trouble shaking the feeling of being an outcast loser.

I could have tons of money, I could be making music and having people enjoy it, I could have beautiful women fawning over me, but it wouldn’t change this feeling I have. That’s not to say Im dooming myself to this fate. I’m just trying to work with it vs outright deny it. It’s always blown up in my face when I tried to bury it and then act like I don’t identity with it.

It’s just a strange place to be. Holding a set of beliefs, feeling them, being affected by them, and at the same time recognizing they aren’t the truth. Despite all this they still hold a lot of weight and don’t go away.

I know this pretty much radiates in my aura. Closed off withdrawn don’t look at me energy. So why should it be a surprise that wanted doesn’t really generate any attraction for me? I’m pretty much doing the exact opposite. I can’t even complain about lack of results because I’m the one negating them.

#57

Eating recon for breakfast lunch and dinner right now. I completely forgot you don’t run 3 titles in one day. Probably gonna run SE today at some point once it calms down.

Trying to finish a track I’m working on. Just a hip hop beat, but for some reason I’m really struggling on the structure and fleshing out a full arrangement. When I think about doing it I get tired or distracted. I specifically chose hip hop because I thought it wouldn’t be as much of an investment energy wise but here I am.

It’s the transitions. Linking ideas together and little touches that get something to flow I really struggle with. It’s not that I don’t know all the techniques and strategies, but when it comes to my own stuff it all goes out the window. I can’t figure it out. Finishing stuff is exhausting so it builds up a bad association with making music as something I should avoid.

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#58

Had to terminate someone at my job today and I feel like garbage.

Nice guy, just wasn’t cut out for our environment. As much as I wanted to give him the opportunity to grow, the team had to look after him too much and invest time.

And it’s just like man if 13 year old me could see what I’m doing now he’d just slap me in the face because I’m the type of person he always hated.

This one was a wakeup call for me. Prior to termination he had gone to HR with some buzz words to make it seem like he wasn’t getting adequate training so he could hold onto his job. I took this as a manipulative move and got a little heated. But then today I realized he was just scared, he was young, didn’t want to feel like he failed as this was his first tech job.

And I just don’t like that my mind went that way for a bit. I don’t like how everyone is perceived as an enemy until deemed ok. I want to be a better person, but I also don’t want to be taken advantage of or abused. Apparently I still don’t know how to fucking balance that and I’ve just been in fight mode these past few months.

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#59

I feel like trash, my life feels like trash, and apparently now I don’t even have the mental bandwidth to engage in the one thing I care about, music.

I hit a point today where I realized I’ve been forcing myself to finish music and it hasn’t been rewarding. Well the music making itself isn’t it. It’s always me wanting to post it somewhere or get acknowledgement on it, I’ll drag myself through glass and barbed wire to get that validation. But that’s not healthy. Need to do a major restructuring of my workflow and process to get the most creativity out of me with the least amount of stress. I don’t know, maybe do really simple ideas for now and don’t let them get too grand in execution.

I went into my local town today since the weather was nice. I thought it would be good to get out a bit. Nope, just anxiety. I went to an art supply store and bought a few things, going to be doing some sketching when I feel like it. Stopped by a deli to get a sandwich, girl behind the counter struck up a conversation with me. Wasn’t expecting that one so it caught me a bit off guard.

I went over this with my therapist recently. That I’m too in my head when out in public and I need to be more present. But I just feel subhuman when I’m out in public. Like I’m not supposed to be out or seen in public with how I am. Maybe that’s just my history of being a shut in loser. Hence my reason for running Rebirth recently, I’m pretty much projecting my past experiences onto my current self. But overall I just feel like a lesser human compared to everyone around me.

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#60

Things to get used to when running WANTED, lmao.

Women behind counters trying to start conversations with you… sheesh.

Let’s be real lol, if you were really a “lesser human” then she wouldn’t even want to talk to you.

It sounds like you’re in that process of reconciling the past so that it no longer defines you. Sounds pretty powerful.

Sounds like you’re evolving lol

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Million Dollar Luther 🤑