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I have to remind myself what modules I picked sometimes for this custom due to the dreams I’ve been getting.
One of them was being mugged, another was being in prison and getting shanked, most recent one was going into people’s homes and then needing to run away before they saw me, another was just beating the crap out of incredibly disrespectful people (one dream I choked a guy then threw him down a flight of stairs). Just savage stuff one guy tried to intimidate me by telling me he’s an MMA fighter so I just beat him with a chair.
One thing about me though is I don’t pretend to be tough in my day to day life. But when I was younger I got through most of my life by being overly aggressive in mentality. In high school I didn’t know who was gonna be a problem so I just prepared to fight almost anyone. Maybe that’s some of what’s been coming up.
Aside from that STE seems to have brought more stuff to the forefront of my mind to be healed from. I explained it to a friend the other day, it’s like I’ve got emotional blocks to even accessing other emotional blocks. A big one has always been a strong feeling that certain emotions are not ok.
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All I have to do in life to succeed is just show up and never give up. Put my self consciousness aside and just get in and do things. Being afraid of the failure is infinitely worse than anything that could happen from trying. I burn more energy being worried about failing vs putting that energy into doing things and failing.
Things themselves aren’t hard. It’s everything else going on inside my skull. I wouldn’t say I feel like a winner. I don’t really feel a profound sense of being able to kill anything I put my mind to. But at the same time I’d rather cultivate the strength of an individual that shows up and fails 1000 times before succeeding and never giving up vs an overly hyped up individual needing that hype to carry myself past the challenges. I do believe that’s the goal of the Natural Winner module.
Things are a bit rough right now. I just want simplicity and to show up as I am without feeling guilt about that. I’m not too invested in a deep spiritual journey right now. I just need grounding and foundation. Besides reaching for that spirituality before I’ve addressed all this other stuff will put me right back into my habits in my late teens when things really went sideways on me and I dissociated from life even more.
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Redefine spirituality.
Let it be about what life means for you.
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Weekends are my hardest days in general. With work days I know I have to get my shit together and to some degree it isn’t healthy how I autopilot. Weekends are kind of like, I’m given time to reflect on life. Sometimes I don’t like what I see, sometimes I do. But inevitably it’s a whole mix of feelings dumped on me all at once.
Maybe back to 3 minute loops after this. 5 minutes still might be too much. The growth is there, but at the cost of functioning.
Trying to find new music. Pretty upset that YouTube music doesn’t have a way to flip it and give you undiscovered artists. It’s all pay to play. I’d gladly listen to lesser known artists in a random radio playlist vs getting already established ones.
Not super indie or unknown but I found this yesterday and it spoke to me.
What I’m doing in therapy is some of the hardest stuff I’ve ever had to face.
My parents are only human and they made some mistakes. But I’m pretty much reconciling the hurt they’ve caused me over the years with the love they gave me. It’s not easy. A constant push pull relationship with them as a child. It’s not about dwelling on the past. But I do have to look into the past to see the current patterns that inhibit my quality of life.
To make things even more complicated, as a kid I felt responsible for my parents emotions and making sure they were ok. Even today as I struggle to understand my own needs I find myself not truly accepting the full weight of my parents actions because I consider their emotional upbringing too. It’s all twisted up.
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You are making some excellent progress! You might find this article helpful in your journey. It is about the three types of victim mentality and how to get out of them. I’ve read it several times, and it is spot on.
https://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/
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Oh wow thanks for this.
This is really heavy I might have to take this one in sections.
I was definitely a Rescuer for a large portion of my life. I confused empathy and my own self worth issues. I don’t know when it happened but I realized the way I was showing up in potential relationships was inherently manipulative. Here I was learning all the ins and outs and most intimate details of a person and I wasn’t willing to share mine. Connection is important in relationships, it’s unfair that I don’t give someone my most authentic self. Consequently my ability to form relationships is in the hole right now as I struggle to understand what real authentic connection is without the fears and self censorship.
Having said that I’m wondering if I’m at odds with some of WANTEDs seduction tactics. The push pull, hot cold, coquettish stuff. It can be playful but it’s on a spectrum. At the extreme is incredibly manipulative behavior.
Lol I have Manipulus in this custom. I just realized it’s pointing inward as well with my own manipulative behavior. Very interesting.
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You are very welcome. I’m glad it has been helpful. I agree, small chunks might be best to digest the full article, as it gets quite deep. I’m of the opinion if one gets themselves off the victim triangle, then they have made significant progress towards their goals.
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Just when I think I’m past the need for validation from women. So annoying.
I was playing some poker with friends last night and one of them was sharing about the women he’s hooking up with. And it just pissed me off towards myself.
Why is being attractive to women so goddamn important in my head? Is it because I’ve never really experienced it? Compensating for some missing emotional need? All of the above? It’s like a bad obsession that just won’t leave me. I’m this close to just never entertaining the idea again and just being alone for the rest of my life.
Bad recon right now. Wondering if I’m wasting my time with WANTED here since I’m miles apart from the end goal and can’t integrate it.
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Where do you shine?
Where do you feel at home and plugged in?
By the way, I’m not completely sure how I’d answer these questions myself right now. I have some tentative responses.
I know, for example, that I love music. Personally, I love lounge, ambient, nujazz type stuff.
I love ideas and contemplation.
My thinking is:
Hang out in places where things that you love are happening. Not to ‘cruise’ or ‘hunt’ per se; though that’s okay too, I guess.
But just be in places where you like experiencing people. Like workshops with a personal growth component or a sharing component.
That might not be your style. I don’t know.
I’m not saying it precisely as a dating strategy, but more as a happy social strategy.
I actually think sex and relationships are kind of funny. When you don’t have them, they sometimes seem like the end of the world. When you get them, it’s like, ‘okay, this is cool. I like this.’ But at the same time you can also get a lot calmer about it.
Fortune cookie style:
The lens of desire distorts the realities of what we really need
All of this is not really the point.
Even with all of this, it’s easy to get caught up in concerns of attractiveness.
Uhhh 
Good luck!
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You have this uncanny ability to bring up topics of discussion that have already presented themselves in my life lol.
I pretty much discussed this in my last therapy session. But I’ve realized I’m most at home working on music, away from people. Like that’s the only time I feel I’m with myself. Even then it’s surprising how restrained my emotional range in my own music can be.
I kind of just feel like a loner. Yeah I brought this isolation on myself though.
I don’t know man. It feels like all my life people told me what my real problems were and how to fix them but it just doesn’t apply. There’s a missing piece and nobody seems to acknowledge it and then I get blamed. And I’m revisiting that missing piece in therapy but man that perceived failure over the years really weighs heavy on me.
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Sorry your advice is good. I don’t want to come across like I don’t value it. I’m going through a lot right now. Legit feel like I’ve jumped back in time emotionally to my early 20s when a lot was screwed up for me.
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I was going to skip today for listening but decided to do it anyway. 3 minute loops though.
I feel a lot less terrible. Will see how I feel tomorrow.
I’m still debating what’s going on with these particularly rough days. If A. It’s too much exposure at 5 minutes or B. It’s actually not enough exposure and I slide back enough where the more prominent mindset I’m trying to reinforce weakens. Like when Saint had mentioned a quick 1 minute loop can relieve recon if you’re on a break. I’m wondering if I’m hitting a gap in coverage so to speak.
Well back to 3 minute loops. I’ve got a small washout coming up soon anyway.
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Have you thought of the most vital missing link you need to fix in order to move forward? Are you working on it?
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It’s definitely not just one thing. I guess that’s the challenge. I still don’t know what that vital missing link is. I’ve been searching for years. I’ve really given up on strictly deep healing titles because I’ve found they uproot my life way too much. So I’m just pushing forward and using sanguine the elixir alongside this custom.
A lot of it is really just symptoms of CPTSD which I’m going to therapy for. Other than that I can’t really say I have a targeted focus.
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That’s the very title that came up to my mind when I was reading through your posts.
I know what you mean. DR can really turn your daily routines upside down and leave you energy drained.
I supposed running SE along should help fix that very core missing link.
Have you worked with your body? Like yoga or anything that could help you connect with it and feel your feelings?
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Yeah I’m honestly a bit surprised when some people give the suggestion to run DR. That title requires A TON of foundational work in emotional regulation just because of how deep and heavy it goes.
Here’s to hoping. Right now it’s just a shot in the dark for me, but I’m used to it. I never know how I’m gonna come out the other side anymore but I still try.
I’ve never actually tried yoga. But I usually can’t stick to most exercises unless the exercise itself is stimulating enough for me. I’ll have to check some out. Right now I’ve gotten back into high intensity isometrics which helps diffuse some built up tension.
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That’s correct. I had got tons of healing and run Regeneration and the Elixir before embarking on it for the first time. And even running it for the second time was really demanding, especially, energetically. On top of that, I needed to force myself to go about my day through out the whole run.
I recommend this excellent book “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” although you may be already familiar with it. It helped me find a way to work through out my traumas and body-mind “disconnection”. Yoga and the subs helped. 
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Appreciate the help. That book is on my list of stuff to read but I’ve heard good things.
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